Sunday, November 30, 2003


Lord of the T-shirts : Return of the Kink

I woke up this morning with a kink in my ass. That was strange. I usually sleep well at nights. I pay my taxes regularly and I don't sneak into MAS planes. Of course I deserve to sleep well at night.

I remembered the last time I woke up with a kink. It was many years ago and there was this mudslide around Genting. It was bad, so bad that it make the NKVE rockfall looked like a picnic. And everyone said that it was caused by irresponsible people, except this one Sahmy fella who claimed that it was an "act of God". It was astonishing. Even before the investigation was completed, he was already blaming God. I was so amazed that I was speechless. The tongue was frozen stiff and refused to move. Sure enough, the next morning, I woke up with a kink in my tongue. It was pretty uncomfortable. Since that one incident, I was fortunate enough to have had many years of sleeping well. Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I visited the Screenshots blog and read about the Sahmy fella's idea of using netting to prevent rockfalls. Good idea, I say! But many people didn't think so. They attacked the Sahmy fella inside out in the comment section. If it were my blog, I would have just banned them. Just what was so wrong with the idea? It was based on pure irrefutable logic. If fishermen at sea can use netting to hold up fish, surely people on land can also use netting to hold up rocks.

And then there are the engineers who want to use complicated solutions such as rock bolts, rock anchors and rock-filled buttresses. Rock my ass! (Okay, maybe that is not possible now with that damn kink still in the ass.) Butt out, you engineers! This is far too complicated for you! Leave the thinking to people who are best qualified to provide the technical solution.......the politicians! The simplest solution is the best solution, I say. And nothing can be simpler that netting.

But yesterday, I was worried. I was worried that ignorant people might not take the Sahmy fella's fabulous idea seriously enough. In fact, I was so worried that I could not shit. The ass was frozen stiff and refused to cooperate. Sure enough, this morning I woke up with a kink in the ass.

Now, I may be only an aspiring T-shirt peddlar, but I understand my national priorities. That "netting" idea needs support. So, out of a sense of potential profits patriotic duty, I rolled out another T-shirt design that said:

"Rock solid. Held up by netting"

Maybe the Works Ministry people will buy my T-shirts now. They may even order a couple of shiploads.And when people start accepting the "netting" idea, I may even be recommended for a Datukship. But hang on.......if retiring doctors can get Tunships, how come I only get a Datukship? Is this fair? Oh wait, I am getting sidetracked here. This kink in the ass sure makes it hard to concentrate on the typing. Let's get back to my T-shirt design. I don't like to brag, but this T-shirt can do wonders for Sahmy. Hey.....he needs me to help him get out of this mess. Can it be done with just a lousy T-shirt? Of course! You just gotta get the right people to wear it.

See? I just know that you are starting to respect the "netting" idea already. I should be getting big orders from the right people anytime soon.

Remember, with every lorryload you order, you get two free towels.


Saturday, November 29, 2003


Lord of the T-shirts: The Two Towels

Please be forewarned. This is an inane bullshit blog about making money. So don't blame yourself if you don't learn anything useful here. Those of you who have been following my postings would know that I intend to become obscenely rich by peddling T-shirts. But yesterday, after I launched my product, I did not get a single order. I could not understand why. Now I wasn't overly optimistic...just an order of a few lorryloads of T-shirts should be fine to start with! Is that asking too much? But I got zilch....nothing....eeeelaag! Today....the same thing. Again zilch....nothing....eeeelaag! So I did an in-depth post mortem on the possible reasons for this illogical lack of response. And this is what I concluded:

1) I didn't have a gimmick.
To sell anything today, you need to have a gimmick. It is fact in business that you have to give the prospective customer a push in the right direction. You see, the average customer is a scrooge who would not willingly do his patriotic duty to keep the economy going. So this is what I'm gonna do. If you order a lorryload of my T-shirts, I will give you a towel absolutely free! Not just any towel, mind you, but a towel that has been personally autographed by me. But wait, I'm feeling generous today....make that TWO towels! That's get two towels for every lorryload of T-shirts you order. So hurry.....while stocks last!

2) Two few colours in my T-shirt design
Okay, maybe just black colour alone would not sell the T-shirt. People who don't know me that well will assume that I am a cheapskate. I am not a business talk, I am "prudent". By offering less, we businessmen can make more. This piece of wisdom comes from a time-tested historical Japanese saying, "Less is more." Gee....must I teach you people everything?
But enough of Japanese history lessons. Out of the goodness of my heart, I am going to offer more colours in my T-shirts. After all, people do need lots of colours to compensate for their drab and monotonous life. heard right. I am throwing prudence out of the window and providing my T-shirt with colours like never before! This alone should satisfy the compensating instincts of those of you living out your dull and useless lives. Don't thank me yet. If you think that I am doing this as a social service, wait till you see the price tag on the T-shirt!

3) My T-shirt message was not based on current events
If you recall, my T-shirt message of "Declare brain dead but working real hard" was aimed at campaign workers. After all, the election should be just around the corner. But this is a future event......and does anybody give a shit about the future? Sadly, no. This makes my T-shirt well ahead of its time. How did I make such a boo-boo? I blame our education system for that! They teach you all the wrong stuff in school like "....he who hesitates is lost.....", and when you try to apply it in the T-shirt business, you discover that the more appropriate lesson should be " is an idea whose time has not yet come!". A businessman has gotta be flexible. If the T-shirt does not sell by the lorryloads on the first day, then the design has to go. If customers want current events, I'll give them current events! So I am changing this design to a new one based on the hottest current event....the NKVE rockfall!

The NKVE rockfall has been on the news on TV, the newspapers, the blogs, as well as on everyone's lips for the past four days. Nothing can be more current than this shit. But how on earth did the NKVE rockfall made the news for so many days? Consider these three amazingly un-newsworthy points:

Nobody's fault
Of course, the NGOs would try to pin this down on developers, except that in this case, there was no development going on anywhere nearby. Even Samy Velu did not try to blame this on"an act of God" like he did during the Genting Highlands mudslide peviously. And PLUS officials claimed that they have been busy monitoring the situation, so they are not to blame either. There is simply no scapegoat to be found. In other words, there was no scandal!

Nobody died
Not that I am looking for something untoward to happen.....heaven forbid......but if nobody died, then there is no tragedy.

Nobody resigning
Oh, there have been calls for people to resign because of this incident, but nobody has been compelled to resign yet. There has been a rockfall, but no political fallout!

Oh fucking brilliant......I am peddling a "current events" T-shirt message with no scandal, no tragedy and no political fallout! Damn! On the upside, this new T-shirt design may just find a sympathetic ear at the Works Ministry, and I should receive shiploads of orders real soon. To those of you non-business types, this may look like whoring for business from the Works Ministry, but it is actually called business acumen. Let me spell it out for you. A-C-U-M-E-N. Got it? If I have to give you people any more valuable lessons in business, I will have to charge tuition fees. (Yeah....tuition fees.....and that will make a great future money making scam that even that 20-something Piscean female called Ted(Ted?) would not be able to fault.)

Okay, it's all set. I should be getting a dozen shipload of orders any moment now! And you too, can make tons of money in this country if you just have any idea that is not too dumb. So get off your sorry asses and start thinking up some great scheme already!


Friday, November 28, 2003


Lord of the T-shirts

Ever since I was a child, it became obvious to me that I wasn't born into a millionaire family. I did not know how this came about. Maybe I did not supply the correct answers when I filled in the self-evaluation form prior to being born, but then nobody told me that such things were important.

For as long as I can remember, I have been hunting for a great entrepreneurial idea that will earn me loads of money so that I will never have to work again for the rest of my life. I thought that I have found it in the Gigolo Training scheme until a 20-something Piscean female called Ted(what a name!) shot down my optimistic calculations with her mental arithmetic. I will never look at a 20-something Piscean female in quite the same way again.

I received a lot of unsolicited advice that if I want to earn heaploads of cash, I should peddle unofficial VCDs. But being the morally upright character that I am, I would never think of doing anything illegal. In fact the mere thought of doing anything illegal makes a model citizen such as me extremely nauseous, so don't even suggest it to my face.

I believe that I may have finally hit on a grand money making scheme that is so simple that I wondered why I have never thought of it before: T-shirts! That's right, I will peddle T-shirts of my own design and before you know it, I will be rolling in the money. Given my artistic flair, this venture should take of like a rocket. Here is my design:

Declared Brain Dead but Working real hard

Now take a good look at the design; a simple black statement on a white background. I only need to use ONE colour, thus saving on printing costs! That was a stroke of genius! And I am producing it in free size only.... which means that everybody can wear it! Another stroke of genius! I'm not a cheapskate...I'm being prudent! Have you ever seen such great business acumen? My deep sense of humility prevents me from saying more.

Who would buy this T-shirt? Lots of people, I'll bet. Political parties can buy it for their campaign workers when they go around plastering their posters indiscriminately on other people's walls and cars. You can't rebuke a campaign worker when he plasters a poster on your house, or on the side of your favourite cow, if he is wearing this T-shirt, because it is just not polite to rebuke people who are already brain dead or people who are working hard. After all, we Malaysians should have standards in who we rebuke.

These T-shirts also make the perfect gift. If our PM buys them to present to any politician who has been on the scene far too long, and make him wear it to an official function, we will soon see a lot of deadwood voluntarily making way for other people. Gosh, this scheme may just work!

Today I took my first step into becoming a gadzillionaire. I'm so proud of myself! If I weren't so humble, I would say lots more!


Thursday, November 27, 2003


Why does this have to happen every Raya

According to the Malay Mail, we already have 79 deaths since November 20 from road accidents. To quote the article:

The death toll since the operation was launched on Nov 20 now stands at 79 deaths out of 4,297 accidents.

This kind of shit happens every year, at a time when people should be celebrating. Yet few people seem concerned about such grim statistics. Heck, we're far too busy having a good time to notice that we are dying in droves. To give an idea about how bad the situation is, 79 deaths in ONE WEEK in Malaysia is far more than the number of coalition soldiers who die in Iraq from roadside bombs, rockets, grenades, etc in ONE MONTH. When a few soldiers die in Iraq, we are awed by the happenings in a faraway country still in conflict. Yet here in Malaysia, in a country at peace, we don't seem to bat an eyelid when our death toll climb so high. This is sickening. And made even more sickening by the fact that we are officially in a celebration mode.

This year is different from last year in that we cannot blame the lorry drivers anymore. So who CAN we blame? I think the answer can be summed up in one word: impatience. I was travelling towards Sekinchan yesterday and there was this huge bus behind me. We were in a long queue at the Sekinchan traffic lights when the bus behind me suddenly swerved left onto the road shoulder, and then started overtaking the stopped cars from the left until it almost reached the traffic lights. It then tried to cut back into the queue, forcing some cars to give way to it. You could tell by the way the bus driver swerved so nonchalantly out and in of the queue, that he had been doing it on a regular basis. This was one impatient asshole that had lots of practice. There must have been some weird calculations going through his head that he would endanger a lot of other road users in order to shave something like a few measly seconds off from his journey time. The sad thing is, he is not the only one. There are some retarded morons on the road who drive like they fucking think that they pay more road tax then everybody else. So they drive like they are hell-bent on getting to heaven....and end up in neither hell nor heaven, but on a hospital bed paid for by taxpayers like you and me.

So if you are coming back to the Klang valley after your holidays, please exercise patience.


Wednesday, November 26, 2003


A Zen moment on a wonderful rainy afternoon

I had a Zen moment while I was lying in bed yesterday afternoon. Why was I lying in bed? Well it was raining and I had just returned from stuffing my face with Raya cakes in a Muslim relative's house. So there I was on the bed, contemplating infinity, not in an attempt to be spiritual, but because there was nothing else to do. And I was observing the breathing, the air going in and out of the nostrils. It appeared like I was observing the wind blowing through a cavernous tunnel, in, out, in, out, without stopping. And none of the action taking place has anything to do with me. Atoms coming into the body, atoms going out of the body, none of them belongs to me. And that makes me a zero. A zero observing a happening universe to which this body belongs. Although I appear to have limited temporary usage rights for the moment, that still does not make me more than a zero.

Suddenly, the thought came to me that the universe may not be infinite at all. It only seemed infinite because I am a zero. Any finite number divided by a zero gives infinity. This is actually relative. If I am a zero viewing a finite universe, then, relatively speaking, that makes the finite universe infinite to me. If the universe is finite, then there could be other finite universes around, and this universe may be interacting with other finite universes as well. However, what this living finite universe does is none of my concern. It probably moves on a time scale so enormous that it would be beyond my comprehension. Or maybe it is the one, and only one, universe. All alone. In which case, I hope it does not feel lonely.

What is my role here then? My role is only to relate meaningfully to this living universe. How do I do this, when everything I do with this temporary membership will never be of any great consequence and certainly won't be remembered by the galaxies in millenniums to come? While contemplating this matter in bed, I fell asleep.

It was a wonderful rainy afternoon. Maybe, that was what I was meant to do......sleep.


Monday, November 24, 2003


Finally! Some action against spammers!

At last! Some long overdue action against Internet spam by the US House of Representatives is reported in the New Straits Times today. And I quote:

By a vote of 392-5, the congressional chamber approved the Can-Spam Act of 2003 that will allow millions of Americans to block unsolicited commercial e-mail traffic or so-called "spam" that has become a nuisance to Internet users around the world.

The vote was 392-5. What I want to know is who are the 5 dumbfucks who voted against the act so that I can mass e-mail them with spam to see how much they like it.

I have no issues with people who want to market their wares provided that they so without making complete assholes out of themselves. But, looking at the broad picture, spammers impede internet traffic which could be put to more productive use such as downloading porn, or serious work, or porn-related serious work.

When I am on TM net, it takes forever to download a decent picture but it seems to me that my e-mail inbox fills up with spam in no time at all. Contrary to what you thought before, spam is not harmless. Most of the spammers peddle male-related items such as Viagra and pills for increasing the penis size or ejaculation volume. And they use attention grabbing lines like "STOP WASTING TIME!! ADD UP TO 500% MORE SPERM TODAY !!! Increase the volume of your ejaculation by up to 500% in days!"

Its practically a conspiracy. First they tell you that you are not getting hard enough by their standards, then they tell you that you are undersized and after that they tell you that you are not producing enough sperm. Before you know it, your self esteem has sunk so low that you need to see an overpaid shrink. And you may just end up changing your sex. Which is why you should never, ever, read spam.

Now this is the other part that infuriates me. Even though I don't read spam, my mailbox fills up quickly with unsolicited offers for all kinds of shit. The batting average has been like 100 per cent spam and zero per cent real mail for as long as I remember for my TM Net account. That's per cent real mail. It is not that nobody likes me(although I am not excluding that possibility) but that my friends do not know my TM Net email address. I only give my TM Net email address to people whom I do not wish to hear from, so that they have an email to write to without knowing that I really don't check that mailbox frequently enough. However, I still have to clear out the mailbox every now and then. I use Mailwasher, a great program available for free download, which allows me to delete the mail wihout knowing WTF they are all about, but even so this takes time, which could be more profitably spent on downloading scientific research papers(yeah, right!).

I don't think that we will ever eliminate spam as long as there are people dumb enough to patronize these sleazy asswipes thus making it profitable for them to carry on their spamming activities. So work with me here(got that phrase from you-know-who) and tell your friends to stop responding to spam. And if they tell you to mind your own business, just kick them in the ass and tell them that it is your business.

Oh, before I forget, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to you all!


Friday, November 21, 2003


Da workin' is affecting da bloggin'

When I first started this blogging nonsense, I told myself that I would try to do a posting at least once a day, except on weekends when I have more pressing things to do, such as sleep. But this is the end of the year and it seems that everybody in the office is on leave and the rest of us have to do the work of ten people. Harry called up to offer his sympathies and said that I should never, ever, allow the mere fact that I have to work interfere with my blogging activities.
All I have to do is look busy, produce some work occasionally......
if it is NOT too much trouble.....
if it PLEASES me......
and ONLY if it is the boss's birthday.

Now what kind of twisted logic is that? Oh, I forgot to mention that he works in a government department. If you have any business to do with the government, I pray that you never have to deal with Harry. How would you recognize him? Easy. He looks like a constipated turkey with a tie.

Work is piling up. Who cares. Gotta go.


Thursday, November 20, 2003


Why the girls will outperform the guys in the SPM/STPM exams

It's the end of the year and every where I turned there appear to be some badass exam going on....SPM, STPM, college exams, you name it....we have it. It's a wonder they don't make us take exams in order to use the company toilet, otherwise I'll have to go over to my boss's house and crap all over his toilet walls. But back to the topic at hand....for the past few years, the statistical trend has been that girl students appear to outperform the guys in the SPM/STPM. The one group that seemed to do really badly were the Malay males. There had better be a good explanation for this.

I was in a club once when this comedian joked that "Girls speak better because they have two mouths and guys think better because they have two heads!".
Now if we can put aside the sexual connotation of his depraved joke(after kicking in his ass, of course), we find that he may not be entirely off the mark. Female toddlers seem to learn to speak at an earlier age than their male counterparts whereas the boys seem to be able to master arithmetic and logic skills much faster than girls in primary school. Don't ask me for proof on this one...just go and ask your primary schoolteacher, that is if she is still living.

But if this is the case, then how is it that the girls do better than the guys in the SPM/STPM exams? WTF is wrong with our guys? A few theories abound:

Reformasi theory
This is the favourite theory of the government and is therefore highly suspect. Every time the results are out, you can hear government officials exhorting the guys to study hard instead of playing with politics and attending reformasi(reform) rallies. Now I don't subscribe to this theory for the simple fact that political rallies are few and far between. Besides, why would a schoolboy want to attend a rally or ceramah when he is not even old enough to vote? Now you see why I distrust governmental logic?

Conspiracy theory
In this theory, the guys actually did better than the girls! However, the statisticians secretly switched the figures around to make it appear that the guys did badly. This is a conspiracy to frighten the guys into thinking that they are gonna do badly in the exams so they better spend their time studying instead of joining the reformasi rallies. That's right, destroy their political aspirations by fiddling the figures, and all done in the name of politics. Well, I'm on to them.

Cover-up theory
This is in some ways similar to the conspiracy theory except that the government made an honest mistake. The guys actually did better than the girls but some bumbling officials read out the wrong figures to the public! By the time the dumbfucks discovered their mistake, it was already too late. So they covered their own asses and stuck to the wrong figures. And thus an honest mistake evolved into a dishonest cover-up. Does that sound familiar?

But what does the public think? The word on the street has that girls perform better for reasons due to nutrition and biology. Not good quality reasons, I can assure you, but reasons nevertheless. Some random sampling of reasons bandied about along the grapevine:

Girls today are eating more fish
Girls are not eating more fish but guys are eating less fish.
Girls are getting smarter
Girls are not getting smarter but guys are getting dumber
Menstrual cramps produce adrenaline, causing girls to think much faster.

And the list goes on and on and on.

But wait, folks.....perhaps it is time to look into yet another angle of why the girls perform better....methodology. You heard right....M-E-T-H-O-D-O-L-O-G-Y. Some girls may have discovered an unorthodox Taichi Shaolin kungfu stance in the exam hall. Before you accuse me of making up half-assed bullshit any chance I got, let me first show you a picture of a girl sitting for an exam. This picture has been floating freely on the internet for a while and I now post it here for the sake of art.

Taichi Shaolin kungfu stance

Now look at the unorthodox stance.....left hand to gain inspiration and right hand to write down the solution! Left hand moving slowly unnoticed like Taichi and right hand scribbling vigorously like Shaolin kungfu. Could this be the reason why some girls perform better? You guys are doomed, fucking doomed.

Now ladies, before you start flaming me like there's no tomorrow, let me explain that I am not saying that this is the reason for the good performance of the girls. My point is that we should not preclude this unorthodox methodology at this stage until we can discover the real reasons. Let's keep an open scientific mind on this. Like I said, this picture is here only for the sake of art!
So keep away your flame throwers, rocket propelled grenades and other Weapons of Mass Destruction. Contrary to what you may think, I do value my life. Sheeeeeesh, the things I do for art!


Wednesday, November 19, 2003


Malaysian gigolo I am not

Holy shit! Yesterday, someone visited this wasteland which I called a blog by way of a Yahoo search for "Malaysian gigolo"!
Am I flattered? What do you think? Of course I am flattered! Now I have to admit that in no way am I endowed with the enhanced physical dimensions of a porn star, but still, I am extremely flattered. Even though I may not physically qualify to be a Malaysian gigolo, I do occasionally think about it. Those of you who say "size doesn't matter" have obviously not seen the movie "Godzilla".
So thank you, unknown visitor, whoever you were probably disappointed by what you found here, but I wish you best of luck in your search. As Luke Skywalker would say...LIVE LONG AND PROSPER, AND MAY YOU HAVE THE BEST ORGASMS EVER! (Okay, maybe that was not the correct movie.)

Malaysian gigolo? Oh gosh...the euphoria....I feel that I have just received an award....Oscar, MTV, datukship, comes my acceptance speech......
This award also goes to all those who have made this possible....I want to take this opportunity to thank my producer whose untiring efforts have made me what I am today.....I wanna thank my mom for sacrificing her time to nurture me well so that I could be healthy enough to learn the facts of life.....I want to thank my father for NOT attempting to teach me the facts of life....and no thanks to all those girls I have known who wouldn't teach me the facts of life. I sure hope you're sorry....

Oh gee, the euphoria again....


Tuesday, November 18, 2003


Clearing up the oral law thingy

For the past one week I noticed a spike in the traffic visiting my blog. And all that extra traffic came from the many, many Google searches for something like "Singapore oral sex law" or something to that effect. This must have something to do with my earlier blog entry on November 11 2003. Gosh, is there anything that Google can't do?

To those of you who came via a Google search, I guess you must be just as concerned as me about this situation, not that I think that you are planning to do something illegal like having oral sex in Singapore of course. (And shame on anyone who thinks otherewise!) However, it is only fair for me to remind you concerned, honest, law-abiding folks that I am not an authority of the law in Singapore. My advice is this: if you are not a Singaporean, abstain from oral sex while you are there. If you are a Singaporean, don't get caught. If you get caught, swallow all the evidence. Of course, this is contrary to the advice my friend Harry gave in my earlier blog entry, but I have found that it is always wise to do the opposite to what Harry tells you to do.

As for those of you who came via Google hoping to learn something about oral you can see, my knowledge of oral sex actually sucks. But thanks for dropping by and letting me bring some sporadic joy and sunshine into your life. True, you are not better informed now than you had been before visiting my blog, but that should not prevent you from cumming.


Friday, November 14, 2003


New gigolo training centre opportunity

I have always been on the lookout for a wild and successful idea that can turn me into a gadzillionaire overnight and I believe that I have found it here in this piece of news about Taiwan.

To quote excepts from the article:

TAIPEI, Taiwan (AP) - Police raided a gigolo training centre in northern Taiwan and arrested nine of the school's operators for over charging students, officials said Thursday.

The school's operators ran classified ads offering "well-paid moonlighting jobs" and had collected up to 200,000 New Taiwan dollars ($5,880 US) for several weeks of training courses, police said.

"The ads had good results. The school received more than 200 applications in just two weeks," Liu(police officer Liu Tai-shun) said.

Now, despite what my former teachers may think, I do know how to use a calculator. $5,880 US multiplied by 200 students gives 1176000 US dollars. This works out to more than 4.4 million ringgit at current exchange rates.
Cool! I'm surprised no one here in Malaysia has thought of it before.

And here I am, holding a full time job and trying to make money from the stock market, when all I need to do is just to take out an advert. I would be the envy of all the guys at parties.
"What do you do for a living?"
"I run a gigolo training centre and I drive a much better car than you do."

Once I run the first advert, I can start working out a Malaysian franchise system and call it by some dumbass name like "Chained Matrix System". Naaaaah......that name's taken.
Of course, I would still need to find trainers to teach gigolo stuff, but that shouldn't be too difficult. Any one of you out there who wish to apply as gigolo trainers can send me a note. Hey, it's not like you're getting paid to read weblogs. Besides, if you have to put up with the bullshit quality of my postings, you may as well try to make some money out of it. Of course, only qualified applicants with strong pelvic movements need apply.
If you want to know if you qualify, try taking this test: Stand buck naked with your back towards the blackboard and stick a chalk in your ass. Now try to write your name on the board with the chalk. If you can do this, then you qualify.
Even if you can't do this, it may only mean that you can't spell your name backwards, and does not mean that you don't qualify. So don't give up hope.
Sorry ladies, this opening is for the guys only.


Thursday, November 13, 2003


The amazing abilities of Hongkong cops

I read this story about the duties of Hongkong cops in the Straits Times of Singapore with pure astonishment. To quote the article:

There is nothing wrong with a little hanky-panky with prostitutes for Hong Kong's undercover cops - as long as it's in the line of duty.

Hong Kong's top police spokesman Tang How Kong said this on a local radio talk show on Monday after he was confronted with complaints that some policemen were demanding free sex from streetwalkers. He added that the cops derived no pleasure from such contacts.

'If you ask the officers, I don't think any of them will use the adjective 'enjoyable'. It's disgusting work,' he said.

Now I am amazed that the officers were able to express their disgust with their hardons. And all the while we thought that this was physically impossible. I bet that every time they see something disgusting(such as a rotting roadkill), their zips will burst. Think you can do that?


Wednesday, November 12, 2003


Today, this tree has its say

Today, my blog entry has taken a solemn note. A few weeks ago I took a picture of a young tree that was planted by the local town council. This tree was vandalized not once, but four times. The picture was taken using a film camera so I had to wait until the whole roll was finished. I got my pictures back only yesterday and had it scanned this morning. Here is the picture of young tree lying in the drain after being tossed there by the culprits in the night.

The young tree lying in the drain

In the picture, the tree was in such a sorry state that it did not look like anything much. Now I may not be a great environmentalist, but I know that such actions are wrong. Each time the culprits threw the living plant into the drain, I would fish it out and replant it. This uprooting of the plant occurred four times. On the last time it was caused to disappear.

Now if this had happened just one time, it would have been an act of impulse, but it would have been forgivable.

If it had happened twice, it would still be forgivable, but only by a saint.

If it had happened 3 times, it cannot be forgiven, and punishment is warranted.

If it happened four times, then this will be written in the annals of hell. Had the culprits listened carefully, they would have heard the plant cried out:

"Four times you pulled me from my spot
A place that Heaven decreed
You have a non-functional soul
To do this dastard deed

Maliciously you harmed a tree
And robbed it of its due
You shall long repent your act,
For even your God hates you!"

Today, this plant has its say. People whose souls are non-functional should not be on this planet.


Tuesday, November 11, 2003


Singapore oral sex law: The debate rages on.

I had been planning for a trip for two to Singapore when this news article hit me. Prior to that I had no idea that it was still illegal to have oral sex in Singapore. The effect of this law is to make criminals out of decent people. Now this piece of news is a cause for concern, not that I am planning to get a blowjob across the causeway, of course. My interest in this is from a purely noble intellectual perspective. I cannot imagine how the Singapore government can condone such an unreasonable law that is devoid of all sense of natural justice. Oral sex is an essential part of intimacy for many. It is also recreation without procreation. Now, Singaporeans live on a tiny island. They are in no position to keep on procreating until the island sinks. Heck, if oral sex had not been around, the Singapore government would have to invent it! And they would have to educate the people how to get the technique right too. Well, we all know the kiasus.....they always want to do a thing better than everybody else. But with the current law, any decent couple engaging in something as innocent as oral sex in a hotel and will suddenly become criminals. Not that I am planning on doing this of course.

I have half a mind to cancel my trip to Singapore. However, my friend Harry assured me that no crime has been committed if one just suck but doesn't swallow. Harry is somewhat an expert on sexual matters....the reason the girls call him Dirty Harry. He is a bit of a lawyer buruk as well. His reasoning is, if the girl does not swallow, then the girl has not gained anything physically. If there is no gain, the Singapore government cannot prove wrongful gain. Without proof, there is no
crime. Without crime, everybody is happy. Now that sounds plausible.

But again, arguing from a purely noble intellectual perspective, I asked Harry what happens if one were to swallow accidentally. Harry replied that it does not matter, since there was no premeditated intent, therefore there was no crime. Of course, anybody would find this hard to swallow(the info, not the other gooey stuff). Harry explained that if there was no intent, and the stuff was accidentally swallowed, the most the person can be charged with is negligence. Negligence... now that is not so bad.... but then again, it is also not good.

So again, from a purely noble intellectual perspective, I asked Harry that if foreigners such as Malaysians indulge in oral sex in Singapore, would it still be a crime since the bodies did not belong to the Singaporean government? Harry replied that it would be considered a crime, because the swallowing party would have to pee and shit out the stuff in Singapore and thus morally pollute the Singapore soil.

But I persisted and asked Harry that if the swallowing party refrained from peeing and shitting while in Singapore, would it still be a crime? Harry looked at me incredulously and said, "No, no crime is committed, but if you are not going to fucking pee or shit, you won't have a good time either!"
The man's got a point.

I must say that I was quite impressed with Harry. He sure know a thing or two about Singapore law despite never having gone to Singapore nor to law school.


Monday, November 10, 2003


The PM wants the truth, so here is the Top Ten list.

In today's front page in the New Straits Times, I see that the PM is exhorting BN leaders and members to tell him the truth. To quote him:

"Tell me the truth.
Sometimes people do not provide truthful information for fear that I will cry, worry or lose sleep over it. But as a leader, I have to know the truth."

Oh, but is the PM ready for the truth? Of course, we know from the X files that "the truth is out there!". So, with some inspiration from Agent Mulder and David Letterman, here is a compilation of the top ten list of things the PM will hear. I only pray that the PM can handle the truth.

Top Ten list of things the PM will most likely hear if politicians speak the truth

10. Please, please, please, oh please, pick me to run for elections.
9. If I am not picked to run for elections, I'll vote for the opposition.
8. I forgot which constituency I serve, but it doesn't matter because I don't have time for that kind of shit.
7. It should be legal for my phantom friends to vote.
6. Let's table a bill to make it illegal for the ACA to investigate our bloated Parliament claims.
5. Those MPs who don't have high claims must have other sources of income. Investigate them!
4. I don't want to retire from politics because of, er...., "projects".
3. Every time I open my mouth, I lie my ass off. It's okay, I have spare asses.
2. People who ask us to tell the truth just don't understand how government works. Ignore them.
1. Tell me again, what is the name of the guy who is married to Datin Endon?


Sunday, November 09, 2003


Hotel California in Japan

Hotel sign in Japan
This picture was taken by Galvin Loh in a hotel lobby in Japan. I have no trouble understanding what they are trying to say. It is obvious that they don't want the guests to leave at all. This reminds me of the popular karaoke song "Hotel California" sung by the Eagles. The last two lines of the song says:
"You can check out any time you like,
But you can never leave "

Bet they play the song the whole day in the hotel. So alright, give me a C:

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place.... such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year... any time of year
You can find it here.


These local politicians are out to confuse me

I see that Najib made the headlines in the Sunday Star today. In his comment about the Sabah kidnapping case, he said,

"The incident at Borneo Paradise Eco Resort occurred because it was new and it was operating without the knowledge of the authorities,” he said, adding that the kidnapping could have been avoided if the resort owner had informed the authorities of its operations. "

Now where did he get that from? And how did a resort open without informing the authorities? Surely, there must be licences to apply for? Okay, granted that this is Sabah and a lot of things do happen without the knowledge of the authorities outside the main towns. We also know that the Borneo Paradise Eco Resort is a two bit shoestring campground situated at the jungle fringes of lord-knows-where. But how could informing the authorities of the resort operations prevent a crime from happening? Are we experts in psychic crime prevention already? If this is true, then there will be no crime at all in all the resorts and hotels in Malaysia. Yet we hear of stories of kidnap victims being held at hotels.....and yes, the authorities know that those hotels are operating. The way to prevent crime is to overhaul our police system and I hope our new IGP takes note of that. If Najib thinks that he can prevent a crime from happening just from knowing if a resort is operating or not, I think he is placing too much faith in psychic crime prevention.

In the same Star article, Syed Hamid Albar put in his share of confusion, and I quote the Star:

'Syed Hamid said based on initial evidence gathered by police, the kidnapping was a purely criminal matter perpetrated by nationals from the “other side” of the border for ransom. '

Nationals from the "other side" of the border? Just last month, the authorities were claiming that the act was carried out by local criminals. In the Star article on 27th October, Deputy Home Minister Datuk Chor Chee Heung released some information on this case and I quote the article:

'He added that the latest abduction was due to the involvement of local criminals. '

Can you blame me for getting confused? If we, the rakyat, cannot get decent information from our ministers, whom can we get it from? Now please excuse me, but after swallowing so much ridiculous stuff from the Star, I have the sudden urge to go and rinse out my mouth.


Saturday, November 08, 2003


Samy Velu still determined to stay on

With all the calls for veteran politicians to quit, one politician that is fighting tooth and claw to hang on to his post is surely Samy Velu. He will not step down willingly from his post. His latest antics, the MIC Election Machinery Convention must surely take the grand prize for creativity. Tell me, is it necessary for the MIC to have a convention for their Election Machinery?. When it comes to elections, the proper method is to have hush-hush meetings to work out secret strategies on how to drag your opponents through the mud. But to have a convention for 10,000 people? The mind boggles! Methinks this is just another of his awful gabfest to get Pak Lah to support him for another 20 year term. Better make that 40 years...he may not be satisfied with just 20. The thing that is scary is that he may live that much longer even if his hair doesn't. But no matter how irritating Samy is, Pak lah will not disturb the MIC just yet. After all, with the general elections around the corner, he is in no position to rock the boat. Ahhh...Samy, you are safe for the next few months. I don't know whether to laugh at his antics or admire him for his creativity.


Friday, November 07, 2003


Matrix: Worth the 7 ringgit ticket price

Saw the Matrix Revolution this morning. The battle scene between the humans and the machines was simply awesome and worth the RM7 ticket price I paid for(TGV matinee price at 1 Utama Complex). Fans of CGI animation should see this scene even if they don't care for the plot. During the battle scene, Captain Mifune screamed nonstop as he continuously firing round after round at the Sentinels(machines). I heard the lady next to me remarked, "Shout so loud afterwards sure got sore throat one!". I am amazed how different people pick up different angles to relate to in the movie.

The oddest bit of coversation in the movie must surely be this:

Neo: " can't die!"
Trinity: "Yes I can!"

Nah....not going to do a movie review this time. The concept of the Matrix, machines that can think and programs that can love, are mind boggling and I am a bit out of my depth here. Maybe it's oxymoronic, but I know what I don't know.


Thursday, November 06, 2003


Is this a response?

Well, just yesterday, I was mentioning that the key word was productivity. And today, in the Star nespaper on page 1, I see the words that "PM wants govt dept to be more efficient". Oh shit, has the PM been reading my blog and responding nationally? I hope not. Just in case, I'd better tone down my language.


Wednesday, November 05, 2003


The plane...the plane...

Yesterday evening, at about 4 p.m., I saw this plane flying by, pulling a huge banner through
the air. I stared and stared at the banner, and then decided that I could not read it. How could
I? The banner was written on one side and I was looking at its backside. It sure was a sight,
looking at that plane flying noisily through the air pulling a banner which nobody in my
neighborhood could read. Now if I really wanted to read the banner that badly, I could get in
my car, drive to the other side of town quickly so as to be on the other side of the plane, and
read the damn thing. But nah......not a chance. Who gives a shit anyway.

You would think that if people took the trouble to send up a plane to display a message, he
would want as many folks as possible to read it. The logical thing to do is to make sure the
banner is readable on both sides. That way, for the same effort, the audience is effectively
doubled. The keyword is "Productivity". Haven't they heard of the word?

I think, for the sake of national productivity, I will have to teach some people how to use their
resources more effectively. For a start, I shall get them to wipe their asses using BOTH sides
of the toilet paper.


Monday, November 03, 2003


Goodbye joe-blogs

Today is the day for closure. Two weeks ago, I put up a tribute to fellow blogger joe-blogs on the right hand side of this webpage. He was a blogger who could inform as well as entertain at the same time and I make it a point to visit his weblog whenever I can. Therefore the news of his sudden demise came as a shock to me.

Perhaps I surprised even myself how I could get so upset about the passing of joe-blogs, a.k.a. Johan Ismail. Maybe it was because of his answer to a comment I made.
In his last blog entry on the Mediface affair, his writing style did not reflect his usual flippant way of putting things. It seemed to me that he was wondering if the whole effort had been worth it. After all, blogging is an unpaid job. It was presumptuous of me, but I thought that it was necessary to give him some reassurance to put his mind at ease. So I made a comment entry in the comments page, which went something like this:

"Joe, you did the right thing. You were in a position to inform and you did not run away from you thought was right. A less courageous person would have kept his trap shut and carry on living out his life of quiet desperation."

In my hurry to type, I left out the word "what". It should have read "....from what you thought was right."

I was surprised when Joe answered back almost immediately with a comment that he did experienced some downside for a while. But then he remembered a lesson he had learnt in his army days, which was something about facing barking dogs; that if one faces them, the dogs will run. Now that was the Joe I hoped to see. I could not remember how his words went. I could only remember that the last two words were "....they scurry." Damn. I wish I had written that down. That very night, he was gone. Maybe this little interaction was the reason why I had been upset over his passing away.

They say that the success of a man's life is judged by the moment of his last breath. Life is like going to a party. No matter how good the party was, if at the moment of leaving, one had an unpleasant moment, then the party had not successful. If however, it had been the most boring party in the world, but if one experienced something exhilarating at the last moment, the party would be considered a success. Some theories go even further, saying that what was in the mind at the last breath determines the life in the next realm, but I will not go into that.

I needed to know how his last moment was. I was considerably heartened when I say this blog entry by Sharizal Shaarani who visited the house, saw the body and blogged the observation "I told his father that he looked peaceful". Thank you Sharizal for making this observation. That was what I needed to know. If at his last breath he was peaceful, than this realm must have been some party for Joe. May his next realm be another great party.

Two weeks ago, I said that I would put up a tribute to joe-blogs on the right side of this webpage for a period of two weeks. The two weeks are now up. I have removed the tribute, but that does not mean I think any less of him. It only means that we all have to move on sometime. This blog entry serves as closure.


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