Stepping aside for Reality

Wednesdays.

Not as dreadful as Mondays or as life-enhancing as Fridays. It’s a day between extremes. Nothing exciting seems to happen on Wednesdays so much so that I have taken to calling it the WWWWWWWWW.

Or, more appropriately:

Wishy Washy Wednesdays When Women Won’t Want Wanton Whanging

I need to set myself some challenges just for Wednesdays to make it a little less boring. Like maybe attempting to shit out an L-shaped turd. Okay, that's gross. Let's do something else instead.

Girls with supple bodies that can contort in positions unimaginable have a habit of grabbing my attention. The ability to contort is what makes this world so interesting. During the festive season, I visited 1Utama complex and this was what I saw:



It is not the sort of stunt that you may be able to do, because you will need to plant your face accurately in another girl’s bush.



This type of precision activity is not for everybody. Better leave it to the professionals who know exactly what they are doing.



Yeah……..hold it right there baby. Your dedication to your job is a great inspiration to us all. I dunno about you but I am inspired already.

Don't try this at home. Not unless you know exactly what you are doing. And it is not polite to keep spitting out strands of hair while mumbling sounds of "Phhhhrrrrttt......ptui." Like I said, better leave it to the professionals.

Woke up this morning in my bed
And wondered why my thing so big
Auspicious sign for things ahead
Big fortune come in Year of Pig

I hope this year not same old shit
In year of dog I worked like dog
This year must change change a bit
Sleep like pig in Year of Hog

But God of Wealth appeared one shot
He said, “Wake up, no time to snore!
This year, wealth, luck, everything got!
Welcome to the Year of Boar!”

+ + +

It is not dignified poetry, I know. But if you wish to SMS this to your friends, by all means go ahead. I don’t think I will be blogging during the holidays, so to everybody, I wish you all a

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

I hoped that your Valentine Day yesterday was meaningful. I try not to celebrate Valentine’s Day because it has an unpleasant history of violence and suicide(depending on which version of its history that you believe). To me, Feb 14 is just an ordinary day. But restaurants will try to charge suckers double for the same lousy fare on that day.

The earth is governed by the four seasons, and trust me; mid February is still in winter, and is therefore definitely not the most romantic time of the year. The bears are still hibernating. Mating does not start until spring, you creatures of the earth.

Of course, humans are one of the few biological species that does not need a season to mate. In fact, humans don’t even need romance to mate. They don’t need February 14. They only need lust. To live together meaningfully and happily, you need love. But to mate, you need lust! Lust! Love without lust is a dry, clinical, sanitized emotion. Being dirty is what drives the universe forward.

Love may be the steering wheel, but lust is the engine's raw horsepower. Get that?

By the way, the answer to yesterday’s riddle…….I phorgot the phamous answer. But I know it’s not phlunk, or phirework.

What word begins with the letter 'P' and ends in 'K', gives you lots of pleasure and leaves you sighing in exhaustion, but you can get into really serious trouble if your parents, teachers and principal found out that you did this in school?

What word begins with the letter 'F' and ends in 'K', and you can get into serious trouble if your parents found out that you did this in school?

I keep seeing this pic on the Yahoo Answers promo.

It’s all about “Real people. Real questions. Real answers.”

Frankly, if you are really that desperate to know, I’ll give you my real answer.

So okay, say your pregnant wife is really horny and we know that it may not be possible to have sex because she is already in her third trimester. In such a delicate situation, I would recommend that your pregnant wife use a dildo to relieve herself rather than using a tuna.

But, if you do not possess a dildo, and the only thing you have on hand is a tuna, then okay, go ahead and use that tuna. We know that a tuna already smells like fish, because frankly, it IS fish. And where it is going to already smells like fish anyway. So, in a way, it is right there in its element.

But is it safe?

Look, buddy, a dildo will be very much safer. But if you really insist on using that stupid tuna, then at the very least make sure that the damn tuna is dead, okay? Although I think that a live tuna will be a lot more fun. Hope that answers the dumb question.

There was some junk mail in my mailbox from Yahoo saying “Now's the best time to get your web address. Just $1.99 for the first year.”

Cheap. Dirt cheap. Probably cheaper than dirt. But it doesn’t say how much it will cost ya for the second year.

Oh, in case you are interested, I migrated to the new Blogger today, because I didn't have a choice. I was perfectly happy with the Old Blogger account but they insisted that I change.

Looking into the mirror this morning, I was startled by the realization that I had practically no influence in the way I look. Two eyes, two nostrils, two balls……I mean why two and not 962348 of those things?

And what am I?

Do body parts define me?

Does knowing what I look like has any bearing on what I am?

Would I be asking these odd questions if mirrors had not been invented?

Maybe not. Mirrors only serve to confuse us as to our true identity…..which is…..a whole lot of hot air seeking an outlet.

Weird. It’s as if there are billions of toy characters on this little toy planet with each one wired differently, and I have somehow entered into one of them. If that is the case, can I un-enter from this one and enter into another one? This is deep, really deep.

Niamah......

Laziness strikes again.

You may have heard the slogan “More Bang for Your Buck” and you thought it sounded really cool.

But then your England is damn jialat and you don’t know what the heck the damn slogan means.

Well, yer in luck, coz I am here to explain things.

It means that if your boyfriend’s name is Buck, you will need to feed him Viagra.

According to a friend who heard it from a top fengshui master, there are certain auspicious dates for starting work after the Chinese New Year.

The best day to start work is the fourth day(Wednesday) of the New Year. Most auspicious time: 1100 to 1300. It will be good for all EXCEPT for those born in the year of the Dragon. Dragons have to pick another day.

The next good day will be the 6th day. Best time: Morning 0700 to 0900. Good for all except the Horses.

If those two days are not possible, then the third day of New Year is a bit all right. Not so good, but all right.

Frankly, I don’t think it really matters. Good day or no good day, you still have to put forth your best, to live richly, to get involved, to feel, and to leave a lasting impact on the world. On any day, as long as you have breath left in your body, you too, can make a positive difference.

Okay, enough of all that motivational talk. As far as I am concerned, any day is a good day to shag blog.

When I was blogging about aliens yesterday, I had no idea that UFOs had already been spotted in Ipoh(read the middle of the article). That may not entirely prove that I have a finger on the galactic pulse, but it should give you cause to pause if you are inclined to diss me as a loony nutbar. I don’t claim to know what the UFO was doing over Ipoh, but I don’t think that it was there to check up on the season’s pomelo crop.

Look, if you are visiting Ipoh, my advice to you is not to pick up any strange girls. She could be an alien intending to perform unmentionable experiments on humans with sharp spiky implements. So, be careful out there.

But say that you gave in to your lord and master under your zip…..and picked up a hottie in Ipoh. How can you tell if the girl you picked up is an alien?

Well, give her the visual once over. If her figure is perfect, really really perfect, then she could be an alien. This is not a very reliable test, because one look at her perfect figure and.....wah lau eh.....your lord and master under your zip will short circuit your brains and most of you actually end up forgetting your own surname. Mr Gan will think that he is Mr Gun. And Mr Wong will think he is Mr Dong. Horrors!

Nemind.....got Plan B.

Try this other test instead: you can ask her about Ipoh kway teow, and if she has not heard of it, then she is definitely an alien.

Still not sure? Then offer her some Ipoh kway teow. If she opens up a panel in her stomach and shoves the kway teow neatly into the atomic cold-vapour separator located inside, then she definitely is an alien.

Run like hell. You'll need to outrun her UFO. So, good luck to you.

Let’s move on to a more familiar topic.

I see that the government is serious in trying to find the cause of floods. Got special technical committee summore.

“A special technical committee has been set up to study the causes of the flood and we are in the process of getting experts to join it,”

My neighbours and I have also conducted our own scientific research and we believe that we now know the truth.

The special technical committee is in luck. I am feeling particularly generous today, so I will let them have the answer for free.

So listen up, ya people…..the cause of the flood was…….water.