Thursday, August 31, 2006


People calculate

I had planned to do a kick ass merdeka posting early this morning. However, events have somehow changed all my best laid plans.

Happy Merdeka anyway.

And yeah, I did manage to collect rubbish in Subang Jaya. Don’t ask why I was there because I did not plan on being there. Also, I could not get near a computer to blog until late.

You’ve heard the Cantonese saying:
“People calculate, alternatively Heaven calculate.”

That’s not a very good translation. Somebody, please give me a better one!


Wednesday, August 30, 2006



I did not watch the Mawi-Ina show nor the Siti Nurhaliza show on TV.

That fact alone stands me out from the voyeuristic masses and makes me cool.

TV is trash. It just got trashier.

Question: Why has the price of TV sets fallen over the years?
Answer: Trash comes cheap and it is getting cheaper.

: Why is it you don’t have to pay a TV license fee?
Answer: Trash ought to be free.

Question: Why are my balls below my dick and not above?
Answer: How the fuck should I know……ask me about TV.

: How do you spell ‘television’?
Answer: T-R-A-S-H. That's it, no more questions.


Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Thursday plans

It's that time of the year and I'm feeling nostalgic.

I’m sort of missing old Bow Tie. Every National Day, he would go around to exhort people to fly the flag in an attempt to garner some publicity.

Perhaps he hoped to be seen as “more-patriotic-than-thou”.

Well, by the fact that he is gone from the scene now, it obviously did not pan out too well for him. Even though every illegal racer, illegal alien and illegal whatnot heeded his call, it wasn’t enough to save his career.

In case you’re wondering what I intend to do on National Day, I’ll be carrying a large plastic bag. And I’ll be picking up rubbish to make this country a better place to live. That will be my contribution.


Monday, August 28, 2006


The Cook and the Assassin - Chapter 19

Chapter 19: The contract on Lord Tai

Wen Yiji stared at Mrs Pak. He had not expected her to make such an indecent proposal to him. She was a fine lady, not one of the average painted courtesans. There was grace in her movement and a certain class in her manner. He was tempted, greatly tempted. And he had good reason to kill Lord Tai. A month ago, Sah Mi threw him off the Tiger Crossing Bridge. Just before he did so, Sah Mi told him that it was Lord Tai who insisted that he threw people off the bridge every now and then to remind the people that they had to pay the toll, legitimate or not. Yiji had a narrow escape and he swore that he would come back to make Sah Mi and his master pay. It was time to make Lord Tai regret being born.

However, killing Lord Tai might not be easy. He needed to negotiate for better terms.

“I have no doubt that you will be a most fantastic lay,” he said. “The offer is tempting. However, Lord Tai is not an ordinary target. To expect that his life is worth only a night of love would be too naive.”

“You are right, Mr Assassin,” she said after some consideration. “I shall up my offer to three nights.”

“Three nights with you will be a most unforgettable experience, I’m sure. But the world of an assassin is merciless. We need to train every day and our expenses are high. To keep our bodies in top condition, we eat only the best. Like shark’s fins with abalone. And when we are not drinking the best wines, we are drinking bird nest soup. If you want my services, you will have to pay me in cash.”

“I do not have money.”

“Much as I would love to fuck you, I have to be realistic. No money no talk.”

“I can consider giving you more nights.”

“No money no talk.”

“What if….”

“No money no talk.”

Mrs Pak kept silent for a moment. She was running out of options. She played her last card.

“If you will accept the assignment, I will tell you how you can be very rich,” she said. “I know where Lord Tai keeps his valuables.”

“I also know. He keeps it in his house.”

“You do not know which part of his house he keeps it in.”

“I know. He keeps it in his bedroom. Sure like that one.”

“But you will not know how to find it. It is very well hidden.”

“True. But where he keeps his valuables is none of my business.”

“Will you hear me out?”

“Okay, speak.”

“In Lord Tai’s bedroom, there are two stone buddhas facing the door. You have to turn the stone buddhas towards each other. Turn the smaller buddha first. When the two buddhas are facing each other, the picture of the tiger on the wall will swing outwards to reveal a secret compartment behind. That is where he keeps his money.”

“How do you know so much about his bedroom?”

“That is my business.”

“If you do not tell me the truth, there will be no deal.”

“Take off your face mask first.”

“No. If I do that, I will have to kill you.”

“In that case, I will not tell you a thing.”

“Suit yourself. You will not find many assassins willing to go against Lord Tai. Especially since you have no money to pay.”

“All right,” said Mrs Pak. “I’ll tell you. Swear to heaven you will never reveal this to anybody.”

“I swear to heaven.”

“When Lord Tai’s men took my husband away, I went to seek Lord Tai to beg for his mercy. He laughed in my face and told me that he had a use for my husband and that I should not expect to see my husband home again. Then he pulled me into his bedroom. After that, he raped me till I passed out. When I came to, I kept quiet and he did not know that I had regained consciousness. Through half-opened eyes, I saw him turning the two stone buddhas in the room. The painting of the tiger on the wall swung open to reveal a compartment recessed into the wall. From where I was, I could see that the compartment contained gold and other valuables. Lord Tai placed some artifact inside the compartment before closing it.”

“Ah…….he raped you. No wonder you want him dead!”

“I hate him for taking away my husband and for what he did to me.”

Wen Yiji mulled over the facts for a moment. The idea of entering Lord Tai’s house to steal his valuables did not appeal to him. He was an assassin, not a thief. Perhaps he should just kill Lord Tai and get it over with. The fate of Mrs Pak’s husband bothered him.

“Why does Lord Tai want your husband? “

“He is using my husband for some evil purpose. One of my secret contacts has informed me that my husband is not expected to live for long as Lord Tai’s prisoner.”

“Shouldn’t you be thinking about how to rescue your husband?” he asked.

“Lord Tai and Prefect Chou have this city sewn up pretty tight. If my husband is rescued, his life will be colder than water. Lord Tai’s men will come here first to look for him. Then they will kill him and me.”

“You can always flee with him.”

“We will have to abandon this shop. My husband will not do such a thing. This shop carries the history of the Pak family. It was my brother-in-law’s idea of making fast money by becoming an agent for assassins that got us into this mess. My husband will rather die than to leave this flower shop.”

“It does look like your options are limited.”

“Yes. I will be satisfied with the death of Lord Tai. Once he is dead, I will try to persuade his son to release my husband.”

“If in the attempt to kill Lord Tai, I fail and get captured, they will force me to reveal the fact that you hired me for the assassination. Then they will come to kill you. Have you thought of that?

“Yes. That is a risk that I will have to take. When I married into the Pak family, I swore that I would take care of my husband and his interests. I intend to do just that.”

“All right then,” said Yiji. “I accept your terms. I’ll take my three nights of pleasure first and then kill Lord Tai.”

“No, I’ll give you one night first.”

“Let’s compromise. I’ll take two nights. Then after I have killed Lord Tai, I’ll take the third night. Is that agreeable to you?”

“All right,” replied Mrs Pak.

“And another thing,” said Yiji. “You must not attempt to find out my true identity.”

“What do I call you?” she asked.

“You can call me the One Eye Snake.”

“But you have two eyes!”

“It’s just a name. I’ll take my first night of sex with you tonight.”

Mrs Pak nodded and led him to her bedroom.

Yiji stared at her swaying ass as he followed her. In the bedroom, she undressed before him. The voluptuousness of her body took his breath away. He would have loved to look some more but she blew out the candle. Yiji undressed in the dark and joined her on the bed. He removed his mask, reached out for her and caressed her breasts. They were as round and large as he had expected. She lay back with her arms above her head and allowed him easy access to her smooth chest. He mouthed her tits gently until her nipples grew long and hard. He took his time. Her smooth skin quivered as he sucked. Soon he felt her hand snaking down between his legs to grab his hardened member. She gasped at the size of his girth.

“My goodness, this can’t be possible!” she exclaimed in shock. “You are huge.”

“Are you worried?” he asked.

“No,” she replied confidently. “Let your horse come.”

He clambered over her head and pressed his member to her lips. She opened her mouth and wetted him thoroughly. When he could no longer hold off the action, he laid on top of her and she opened up. He thrusted, slowly at first, and then quickened the pace. She arched her back gracefully as he flailed away. Soon, she lost all sense of grace and moaned loudly as he moved violently in her. The bed creaked rhythmically under their movements.


He brought her to orgasm after orgasm.

That night, within limits, he pounded her non-stop.

+ + + + + +

Just before daybreak, he left the flower shop and went back to the inn. Xiang Xiang was just waking up when she heard him come in. She went to greet him.

“Good morning, Brother Yiji!” she chirped. “What are we going to do today?”

“I am going to sleep,” he said. “I’m exhausted.”

“Oh, you must be working too hard,” she commented. “Were you up all night doing research?”

Yiji could tell that she was sarcastic, but he was too tired to care. “Go shopping,” he told her. “And don’t wake me up for lunch.”

“Yes, brother,” she replied. She had plans to visit some of the more successful food places to get ideas for her restaurant. She was not sure where her capital was coming from, but she was confident that Yiji would find a way. Her brother was not an ordinary person. If he told her that he would get her the money for her restaurant, he would get it. A fifteen year old girl opening a restaurant was unheard of, but there is always a first time.

+ + + + + +

Wen Yiji woke up in the afternoon. He stumbled out of his room and a waiter brought him a bowl of bitter gourd soup. The waiter explained, “Your sister said that you are to drink this when you wake up.”

Holding his breath, Yiji downed the soup. The events of the previous night came back clearly to him.

“That Mrs Pak sure is some fine woman!” he muttered to himself. The enormity of his assignment soon asserted itself in his brain. “Damn! I have promised to kill Lord Tai,” he murmured. “The best time to do so is to kill him when he is visiting the courtesan house. I’ll do it tonight.”

It was not difficult to find out where Lord Tai was staying. The Tai mansion was huge, as befitting somebody important in the city. The distance from the mansion to the House of the Hovering Butterfly was not too far and he familiarized himself with the route.

Wen Yiji went back and strung his bow really tight. With his Dark Fire energy, he was shooting better than he was six years ago. He needed some arrows that were untraceable to him. While on the streets, he spotted a soldier walking to a backlane to piss. As the soldier was spraying a tree indiscriminately, Wen Yiji came from behind and knocked him unconscious. When the soldier got up unsteadily later, he was glad that his money was not stolen. He did not count the arrows in his quiver, or he would have discovered that he had some arrows missing.

That evening, Wen Yiji waited near the House of the Hovering Butterfly. As regular as clockwork, Lord Tai’s entourage made their way to the courtesan house as dusk approached. Wen Yiji spotted them before they reached their destination. He leapt up to the rooftops, pulled a cloth mask across his face, prepared his bow and arrow, and waited for the opportunity to strike. Looking down from the rooftops in the semidarkness, he saw the carriage stopped just outside the House of the Hovering Butterfly.

A man got out.

Yiji aimed his arrow and waited for the right moment to release it. The fading twilight, revealed that the man was not Lord Tai. It was Tai Lan Ngong, the son. Yiji relaxed his bow.

Then another figure was seen getting out of the carriage. Again Yiji pulled his bow and prepared himself.

This time it was Lord Tai. As Lord Tai slowly alighted from the carriage, Wen Yiji released the arrow from his bow.

The arrow had everything; power, speed and accuracy. There would be no escape.

Si Fatt Guai was in the vicinity when he heard the incoming arrow speeding towards Lord Tai’s heart. He was holding a folded fan, and he threw it in the path of the arrow. The fan managed to knock the arrow off its course by an arm’s length from the heart. Lord Tai was still holding on to the carriage with an outstretched right hand when he felt the arrow pierced his forearm.

“Assassin!” shouted Si Fatt Guai and placed himself in front of Lord Tai. Other guards quickly surrounded Lord Tai.

Wen Yiji was surprised to see his arrow knocked off course.

“That Si Fatt Guai has more power than I suspected! Horng kan lah!” he muttered. He could not get off a second shot because the guards had already surrounded Lord Tai. For a short moment, he considered going down to the ground to fight with them. However, the presence of Si Fatt Guai impressed upon him the need for caution. He would have to try again another day.

Quickly, he ducked down below the roof skyline and disappeared into the night.

Si Fatt Guai shouted to the guards, “Guard your master. I’ll find out who this assassin is.” He leapt to the top the roof to challenge the assassin, but he found no one.

“Damn!” he cursed. “The assassin escaped.”

He leapt down to the ground and went to check on Lord Tai’s condition.

“Thank you, Master Si,” gasped Lord Tai in pain. “You have saved my life!”

“I am sorry that your hand got injured,” said Si Fatt Guai. “I was not able to deflect it far enough. That arrow had a lot of power behind it.”

The arrow had pierced right through the forearm and its metal head had penetrated through to the other side of the forearm.

“This is a standard army issued arrow!” exclaimed Tai Lan Ngong. “The archer must be a military man.”

Lord Tai was in great pain and he barked, “Take out the arrow and send me home! We’ll talk about this later.”

The son tried to yank out the arrow causing his father to howl in pain. “You don’t pull out an arrow,” he yelled. “You have to push it through to the other side! Stupid tai lan ngong!”

His son tried to push the arrow through and that earned another harsh scolding, “Break off the tail end first! How do you expect the tail end feathers to go through the flesh?”

Finally, a soldier took over from the hapless son and broke off the tail end of the arrow. Then he pushed the arrow right through the forearm of Lord Tai until it came out completely on the other side. A cloth was tied around his forearm to stench the flow of blood. The entourage made its way back to Lord Tai’s mansion with everybody at full alert.

Wen Yiji made his way to the Pak Chew Cheng flower shop. He appeared before Mrs Pak to claim his second night of lovemaking.

“After tonight, you will have to make an attempt to kill Lord Tai,” she said.

“I have already made an attempt tonight,” he told her. “I shot an arrow towards Lord Tai on the street but somebody deflected away my arrow. That somebody is Si Fatt Guai. What do you know of him?”

“Si Fatt Guai?” she asked. “I remember that name. He was a guest of Lord Tai. My brother-in-law, Pak Chew Cheng, mentioned him once.”

“What is his school of kungfu?”

“Nobody knows. That man is mysterious. He is not from any of the mainstream kungfu schools like Shaolin, Wu Tang or the other known sects. However, my brother-in-law did mention once that Si Fatt Guai’s specialty is the iron palm and that no other kungfu can match his power except for the Buddha Palm. This is bad news!”

“The Buddha Palm? I don’t know the Buddha Palm! I will have to kill Lord Tai when that interfering Si Fatt Guai is not around. I managed to injure Lord Tai tonight.”

“If Lord Tai is injured, he will not leave his mansion.”

“That’s right. He will stay inside his mansion for greater security. I will have to kill him there. However, his mansion is large and I do not know where he sleeps.”

“I can provide you with directions to his bedroom in his mansion. You will need to disable the alarm.”

“He has an alarm?”

“Of course. He has a lever in his bedroom that he can pull to summon his guards. That night when I was raped, I pulled the lever by accident when I was struggling with him in his bedroom. A bell rang in the hallway outside and within moments, the place was swarming with guards. The mansion is well guarded with guards patrolling constantly. The kitchen corridor is not so well guarded. Use that route. I’ll draw it out for you.”

Mrs Pak had a good memory for details. She drew him a rough map and filled him with enough information about Lord Tai’s abode for him to craft out a plan.

“After you have killed Lord Tai, you can come to me and claim your final night,” she said. “But after that, there will be no more contact between us. Do you understand?”

“I understand,” he replied. “Do not worry. No one will know. I will miss your tits.”

“And I will miss your cock. It is bigger than Lord Tai’s worm.”

“Is it also bigger than your husband’s cock?” he asked, curious to know.

“Yes,” she smiled. “Very much bigger.”

He laughed and followed her to her bedroom where he watched her stripped naked. She jiggled her tits, got into bed and he blew out the candle light. He undressed quickly and was hard immediately. Lovingly, she toyed with his hardness, admiring the feel of his warm spear. He rode her slowly, taking his time. He was about to undertake a dangerous assignment and if he got caught, he might not be able to experience a woman in his bed again. He rode her throughout the night till he heard an early cock crow. Then he left quietly in the early morning darkness, thoroughly satiated.

+ + + + + +

He woke up in the afternoon and Xiang Xiang showed him something.

“Look!” she said as she showed him a knife.

“What is it?” he asked.

“My new kitchen knife!” she replied excitedly. “We took this blade from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, remember? I located a blacksmith yesterday and got him to make a new handle for it.”

“It looks a bit like a very long kitchen knife. But to be honest, it looks more like a butterfly sword because your blacksmith has fixed a crossguard that protects the user's hand from the opponent's sword. A kitchen knife should not have a crossguard at the hilt.”

“I know,” said Xiang Xiang. “He mistook my intentions so now my kitchen knife looks like fighting knife. I did not have the heart to tell him to change it. It feels nicely balanced in my hand so I’ll just use it as it is. If I have the metal guard removed, the feel may not be as good.”

“That is true. Butterfly swords come in pairs. Maybe you ought to make another one just like it and I’ll teach you how to wield butterfly swords.”

“I intend to use it as a kitchen knife,” laughed his sister. “While you were asleep, the whole city has been in uproar. Apparently, someone tried to assassinate Lord Tai last night. Then this morning, the corpses of Sah Mi and his hirelings were found down river. The whole city is abuzz with the news.”

“Oh,” replied Yiji, “What do the people say?”

“They say that the archer was a lousy shot. He aimed at Lord Tai’s heart but got his hand instead.”

But Yiji knew the truth of the incident. If Si Fatt Guai had not intervened, Lord Tai would have been dead. Thinking of Si Fatt Guai reminded him of something.

“Iron Palm with Fairy power……..Buddha Palm…..where have I heard this before?” he asked.

“In Pingchen,” replied his sister. “There was this story about how Li Daifu won the hand of Jade Flower by defeating his opponent who used the Five Fairies Iron Palm.”

“That’s right!” exclaimed Yiji. “And it was said that the Five Fairies Iron Palm is next in power only to the Buddha Palm! Li Daifu could not match his opponent in power, but he had the advantage in speed! He immobilized his opponent by striking a yuedao nerve point. It was a lesson of speed versus power!”

“What is this about, Brother Yiji?”


Yiji went into deep thought. So Si Fatt Guai used the Five Fairies Iron Palm. That meant that it would not be wise to try to match power with him. Both the Five Fairies Iron Palm and the Dark Fire Iron Palm used the Dark Energy. He did not know which was the more powerful kungfu.

“When are we leaving this city?” asked his sister.

“In a few days time,’ he replied. “There is something I have to do first.”

“Why don’t you come with me and see the sights of the city? There are a few eating places that I wish to try out. It would be unseemly for a single girl to eat at those places. Will you accompany me?”

“Oh, all right then,” he replied. He might as well act the tourist while he was planning how to assassinate Lord Tai.

+ + + + + +

In the Tai Manor, Prefect Chou was having a meeting with his father-in-law.

“We have to smoke out this assassin,” commented Prefect Chou. “As long as he is out there, we do not know when he will strike.”

“And how do we intend to do that?” asked Lord Tai.

“We will have someone dressed as you and sit in your carriage. Then we will have your carriage go around town. The assassin will be tempted to strike. I’ll have a team of fighters follow the carriage secretly. When the assassin strikes, we’ll nab him.”

“I like the idea. I’ll ask Master Si Fatt Guai to dress up as me. His Iron Palm kungfu is near invincible. The assassin is in for a nasty shock!”


Friday, August 25, 2006


First Pluto, next plutonium

They just downgraded Pluto from ‘planet’ to ‘dwarf planet’. Poor Pluto.

This is just the beginning.

Before we know it, they’ll downgrade plutonium as well.

You know that plutonium originally migrated here from Pluto, don’t you? Well if you don’t, it means that your scientific education was not as good as you thought it was. Once Pluto loses its planetary status, all plutonium will be declared persona non grata.

The next great debate will be, “Should we strip plutonium of its ‘metal’ status?”

Well, if you ask me, I’ll tell you that I am not interested in stripping anything without a bush underneath.

But if you ask my friend Harry, he’ll probably say, “Of course we should! Plutonium is not your regular metal! It sits there doing nothing and then all of a sudden it explodes for no fucking reason!”


Thursday, August 24, 2006


Oh, the Frenchies!

Occasionally I visit French blogs in the hope of learning French. That wasn’t the smartest move ever.

You don’t visit French blogs in order to learn French.

No sir.

You learn French in order to visit French blogs.

That’s not to say that I did not find it a useful experience.

Au contraire.

If you wanna see a female magician get naked while doing her act on stage, go to this French language blog and scroll down till you see the post “Magicienne nue”.

Then play the flash movie.

C'est la vie.


The Cook and the Assassin - Chapter 18

Chapter 18: The offer at the flower shop

The fight with Sah Mi and his men had hyped up Wen Yiji. It was not much of a fight as he had totally outclassed his opponents with his Dark Fire Iron Palm. He needed to work off his excess energy or he would not be able to sleep.

After checking into an inn, he had dinner together with his sister. This time, they managed to order bitter gourd soup. After dinner, Wen Yiji asked the innkeeper, “What is the best courtesan house in the city?”

“That would be the ‘House of the Hovering Butterfly’ just around the corner. All the top people in town patronize it. However, it is expensive.”

“Good things often come with a price,” remarked Yiji. "Cheap is not good and good is not cheap."

Turning to Xiang Xiang, he said, “You sleep first. I have a lot of work to do.”

“Don’t work too hard,” advised Xiang Xiang. “We have traveled a long distance today. You don’t want to strain yourself.”

But Wen Yiji intended to strain himself. Leaving Xiang Xiang to sleep at the inn, he headed to the House of the Hovering Butterfly. Wine was brought out to him and he was happy that the taste suited him. After he had his fill of fluids, he was ready for some action.

A beautiful courtesan dressed in red walked by and he asked the waiter if she was available. The waiter told him, “I’m sorry, that girl is Passion Flower and our Madam has already reserved her for Prefect Chou’s party. I’ll see if she can arrange another girl for you.”

“Who is Prefect Chou?” asked Wen Yiji. “I should be able to book any courtesan I like as long as I have the money. What’s the matter? My money not big enough, is it?”

“You must be new to this city,” said the waiter. “Prefect Chou Bang Sat is the Prefect of this prefecture and is therefore the most important man here. His money is bigger than anybody else’s.”

“He is not here yet, is he? You can have Passion Flower sent to me first while waiting for him to arrive.”

“I’m sorry, but he is already here.”

“You are bluffing. I don’t see him.”

“I am not bluffing. Here, let me show you.”

So saying, the waiter led Wen Yiji to the outside of a nearby room reserved for private parties. The door was slightly ajar and they peeped inside. There were four men seated around a table inside and the waiter pointed out Prefect Chou to him.

“The one with the red robes is Prefect Chou,” he whispered.

“Who is the man with the white beard?” Wen Yiji whispered back.

“That is Lord Tai, the father-in-law of the Prefect.”

Wen Yiji suddenly picked up interest. So that old ugly sonofabitch was Lord Tai.

“And the other two?” he asked.

“The one dressed in white is Lord Tai’s son, Tai Lan Ngong. The one in purple is a friend.”

“What kind of friend?”

“I don’t know,” whispered the waiter. “Come, let’s go!”

There was something about the man in purple that intrigued Yiji. The man was young, in his mid twenties, and he had an odd-looking face. He exuded an intense atmosphere of killing qi. His complexion was smooth and very fair, almost like that of a woman’s. The four men were laughing merrily in the company of courtesans.

“Who is at the door?” suddenly asked the man dressed in purple. “Since you are already here, why don’t you come in?”

The room fell silent.

Nervously, the waiter opened the door wider and said, “Oh, please excuse me. I came to see if you needed more wine.”

“Ah.….it’s only the waiter,” remarked Prefect Chou. “No, we don’t need more wine. Now close the door and leave.”

The waiter closed the door. He looked around him. Wen Yiji had vanished mysteriously.

At the front parlour, the Madam of the establishment was in the process of allocating a courtesan to Yiji.

“I will send you our top courtesan, Little Prawn,” she gushed.

“I don’t want a little prawn,” growled Wen Yiji. “I want a big fish.”

“Aiyahhhh…..Little Prawn is just her name,” explained the Madame. “She is the only one available at the moment. No fish, prawn also good mah.”

Wen Yiji assented. A maid was summoned to take him to one of the bedrooms upstairs.

“I’ll take this room,” he said as they passed by a room.

“But this room is not very good,” commented the maid. “I’ll take you to a better one.”

“No,” insisted Wen Yiji. “I want this one.”

“All right then,” said the maid. “Wait in there and I’ll get Lady Little Prawn to come.”

“Tell Little Prawn to take a shower before coming. There is no hurry. I want to take a nap first.”

“Yes sir,” replied the maid.

As soon as the maid left, Wen Yiji got down on the floor of the room. He had a good reason for wanting this particular room. It was directly above where Prefect Chou and Lord Tai were having their private party. He did not know why he was interested in them, but a very strong instinct told him that it would be in his interest to find out more. Without making the slightest sound, he placed his ear against the floor and eavesdropped on the going-ons below.

He heard a faint voice said, “That rascal Sah Mi is taking his own sweet time to bring me my money.”

“Be patient, father,” said Lord Tai’s son, Tai Lan Ngong. “He would not dare to be late with your money. Perhaps he was delayed because he had to throw another person off the bridge.”

“Father-in-law,” said Prefect Chou. “You have better instruct Sah Mi not to throw so many people off the bridge. One of these days, it will attract the attention of Governor Li.”

“Don’t be so scared, brother-in-law,” said Tai Lan Ngong. “Governor Li is in Fuzhou which is a long distance from here. Besides, you have friends in the Imperial Court who will make trouble for him if he tries to remove you as the Prefect of this prefecture.”

“It is better to be careful,” said the Prefect. “My spies tell me that he is preparing a team of inspectors to disrupt our operations.”

“Do you know the caliber of these inspectors?” asked Lord Tai.

“No, but I know that they are brothers, the Chin brothers from the north,” replied the prefect.

“When they get here, I will kill them quietly. No one will know,” said the young man in purple.

“Thank you, Brother Si Fatt Guai,” said Tai Lan Ngong. “Your Dark Energy will be more than a match for them, I’m sure. But it will not be necessary to bother you. Three inspectors should be easy to handle.”

“Since I am a guest of your father, it is only right that I do something for you,” replied Si Fatt Guai. “When the Chin brothers arrive, please tell me where to find them, and they’ll be gone. Permanently.”

“In that case, we shall take you up on your offer,” remarked Lord Tai. “Come, let us drink.”

In the room above, Wen Yiji wondered who Si Fatt Guai was. “So Governor Li is going to send the three Chin brothers here to sort things out, is he? I don’t think they are in fighting form yet,” he thought silently to himself. “The last time I saw them, they were as thin as bamboo sticks. If the wind were to blow too strongly, they would fall down. It will take them many months before they can be ready for action. They will be in danger here. I will have to kill Lord Tai first.”

Another thought occurred to him, “This Si Fatt Guai uses the Dark Energy. Can this be the same kind of Dark Energy that I use? I have to find out what kungfu he uses.”

There was a sound at the door, and Wen Yiji flipped silently from the floor into the bed using lightness kungfu. A young lady walked in and introduced herself, “I am Little Prawn!”

“Ah, Little Prawn,” he said. “I waited for you till I’m full of suffering!”

“I hope I will be able to please you.”

“Don’t worry. As long as you have an oyster, you will please me. “

As she came into the light, Yiji saw that she was quite young. “Hey, you are very young. More like a cockle than an oyster. Do you know what to do?”

“Don’t worry,” answered the young girl cheekily. “I have an experienced cockle. I know enough for whatever you have in mind.”

“I don’t need anything fancy,” said Yiji. “Just the fundamentals. Can you handle that?”

“Listen, mister. You’re talking to an expert. I put the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamentals’. You look like the type of man who knows what he wants.”

“Of course. While you were still learning how to put the ‘fun’ into ‘fundamentals’, I was already putting the ‘cock’ into ‘cockles’.

Little Prawn was nonplussed by his retort. Then she giggled, “You must be a poet.”

She was not bad looking. Quickly, she disrobed and joined him on the bed. Within moments, Wen Yiji started working hard on her.

“Urgh……urgh……urgh……urgh……urgh……urgh……” she cried continuously as Wen Yiji pumped her for fun. He would pump her for information later. He could not understand why a lot of people think that work came before pleasure. As far as he was concerned, pleasure should come before work.

When he was finally exhausted from the release of pent-up energy and pent-up fluids, he felt that it was time to question the girl. He gave her a huge tip to impress her.

“That was a good session,” he said softly. “I have not had one like that since the Yellow River overflowed.”

“Don’t be silly,” said the girl, admiring the size of the tip. “The Yellow River has not overflowed in years. But thanks anyway.”

“I was told by one of the waiters that the very best girls are always picked to serve at Prefect Chou’s table. I would have thought that a girl of your talents would be required by the Madam to sit at Prefect Chou’s table tonight. Why did she not pick you?”

“I sometimes sit at Prefect Chou’s table. But tonight, Prefect Chou wanted only five girls. So I guess I was left out.”

“That is strange. There are only four men in Prefect Chou’s party tonight. Why would he want five girls?”

“That’s easy. Two are for Prefect Chou. Two are for Lord Tai. One is for Master Tai Lan Ngong. Altogether five girls.”

“What about Si Fatt Guai? Doesn’t he get a girl?”

“Oh, you mean Lord Tai’s guest, Master Si? No, he does not want a courtesan.”

“You must be joking. How can any man not want a courtesan?”

“I am not joking! He has no interest in women!”

“What about goats?”

“Ha ha ha! He has no interest in goats either!”

“He’s got to be interested in something.”

“Well, I have seen him looking at the waiters in a certain hungry way. But you did not hear this from me, you understand?”

“I understand. What an odd person you have in this city.”

“Oh, he is not from this city. I think he is from Tsinkiang.”

Wen Yii sat up and took notice. Someone of the surname ‘Si’ from Tsinkiang could be related to Agent Simit.

“To be a guest of Lord Tai must mean that he is not an ordinary person. He must be probably good in kungfu. Do you know what kungfu he uses?” he asked.

“He uses the Iron Palm. With Fairy power.”

“There is no such kungfu. You are making this up!”

“I am only telling you what I overheard. I was present during one of Lord Tai’s drinking session. Lord Tai was holding a conversation with Master Si and they thought that I was drunk and fast asleep. I heard the “Fairy” power of his kungfu mentioned. If I were you, I’ll drop all interest in that man. Something about him is dangerous.”

“Dangerous? How?”

“I don’t know. But Lord Tai treats him with a respect that is not shown to many others.”

Wen Yiji thought over this for a moment. Dark Energy……Iron Palm…..Fairy power……where had he heard this before? He searched his memory but drew a blank.

Meanwhile, Little Prawn’s fingers were busy between his legs. Before he knew it, he grew hard again. He climbed on top of her and gave her another pounding. Then he rested.

“You have the energy of a horse,” she remarked.

“Thank you.”

“Are you in the city on business?”

“Actually, I came to look for somebody who stays in Phoenix Lane. However, I could not find the damn place.”

“Phoenix Lane is a very small lane off Lau Hor Road. Near the famous White Cloud Temple. That is the place to go if you want to buy flowers.”

“Oh, thank you.”


+ + + + + +

The next morning, a sleepy Wen Yiji greeted his sister at lunchtime.

“Well, sleepyhead,” she greeted. “Did the orh kwee keng yield any results?”

“Of course,” he replied. “Phoenix Lane is off Lau Hor Road. Near the famous White Cloud Temple. A place to go to buy flowers.”

“It is good that you are willing to frequent such a place in order to obtain road directions.”

“Are you suggesting that I went to the orh kwee keng to enjoy myself?”

“Of course not! You went there to ask for road directions!” smiled his sister.

+ + + + + +

That afternoon, they located the flower shop of Pak Chew Cheng. They knew that they had came to the right place because the sign said,

“Pak Chew Cheng Flower Supplies.
We sell only good flowers
For live people and for dead people.
Everything also got.”

Wen Yiji was not comfortable in going into a flower shop so he told his sister, “Go in and try to find out some background information for me while I remain outside.”

Xiang Xiang nodded. But instead of going into the flower shop, she entered the shop next door. She came out again and walked to her brother.

“You went into the wrong shop!” he exclaimed.

“Relax!” she said. “It is always easier to obtain information from a nosy neighbour! I learned that Pak Chew Cheng was killed and has been dead for a month. However, he has a younger brother, Pak Puay Kee who helped him run the shop. A few days after Pak Chew Cheng was killed, some of Lord Tai’s men came and took Pak Puay Kee away. So now, the business is run by Pak Puay Kee’s wife, Mrs Pak.”

“Hmmmm…..let’s go into the shop,” he said. “Buy some flowers. I want to take a look around.”

They walked into the shop. A young woman of beauty came towards them.

“Hi,” she smiled. “Can I be of service?”

“Yes,” replied Xiang Xiang. “We are looking for some flowers.”

Xiang Xiang did all the talking while her brother kept quiet. He thought that Mrs Pak looked remarkably sexy. Her breasts were big and jiggled slightly as she walked. He found himself wondering what her nipples were like. At the same time, he was curious why Lord Tai would take her husband away. After his sister bought some flowers, they left the shop.

That evening, after dinner they retired for the night. Instead of sleeping, Wen Yiji dressed himself in black and left his room.

Xiang Xiang was resting in her own room when she heard him go out. She thought, “I wonder which courtesan house he is going to hit tonight!”

However, Wen Yiji went straight to Pak Chew Cheng’s flower shop. The shop had already closed for the night. That did not bother him. He tied a black cloth over half his face and leapt to the roof of the building and then landed in the inner courtyard.

Mrs Pak happened to be there and she was holding a kitchen knife in her hand. Again, he was fascinated by the jiggling of her breasts.

“Do not make a sound,” warned Yiji. “I do not wish to kill you.”

“What do you want,” she asked after the initial shock was over.

“I came looking for Pak Chew Cheng,” he said. “He is an agent for assassins.”

“What are you, an assassin?”

“What I am is my business.”

“My brother-in-law Pak Chew Cheng is dead.”

“How did he die?”

“Killed by Lord Tai’s men.”


“Some people wanted to hire an assassin to kill Lord Tai. My brother-in-law accepted the commission to find somebody. It was stupid of him. Lord Tai’s people captured the assassin and forced him to tell out the name of the agent. Then they came here to kill Pak Chew Cheng. Not content with that, they took my husband away.”

“I am sorry to hear that.”

“If you are Pak Chew Cheng’s friend, you may want to avenge him.”

“I am not his friend. I came here because I thought that he may be able to help me contact Gojisan of the Fire Mountain Sect.”


“I am a top assassin,” he replied. “I want to join the Fire Mountain Sect.”

“Too bad. Gojisan has disappeared for five years.”

“Do you know anything that might help me?”

“No, I’m sorry.”

Wen Yiji was silent for a while. He doubted if she would know anything useful. The whole effort of locating Pak Chew Cheng was wasted.

“I apologize for troubling you,” he said as he turned to leave.

He sensed rather than saw the kitchen knife hurled in his direction. Neatly, he whirled aside and struck out with his hand. He tapped the kitchen knife as it flew by him, shattering the weapon into a dozen pieces.

“Are you trying to kill me?” he demanded.

“No,” she replied. “The knife was aimed to fly past you. I needed to know how good your kungfu was.”


“I need to hire an assassin. He has to be someone of remarkable skills. Your kungfu appears to be magnificent.”

“Who do you wish to kill?”

“Lord Tai.”

He stared at her breasts as he thought hard. For the whole day, he had been contemplating killing Lord Tai. He would have done it for free. But he also needed to find the money for Xiang Xiang to open her restaurant. Perhaps there was a fat fee involved.

“What is the fee for killing Lord Tai?” he asked casually.

She looked at him steadily in the eye and replied, “A wild night of mindblowing sex with me.”


Tuesday, August 22, 2006



Just yesterday, we had a water stoppage. Unannounced.

Tonight, we had electrical power failure. Not just once, but several times, one after another. Like a regular gangbang.

I was about to blog by candlelight when I remembered that I could not plug my PC to the candle. Damn!

Now that the power is back on, I am trying to think clearly. Is there some kind of sinister trend going on?

Tomorrow, I’ll check to see if the rubbish trucks break down.


Monday, August 21, 2006


Water issues

Watch out for my new book:

“How to take a shower on two liters of water.”

I hate it when the water supply is cut off without warning. To be fair, there could well be a logical reason behind this water stoppage but that does not stop me from hating it. Hey, how is one supposed to have a thoroughly good time in the bathroom without adequate water?

They’ll better not get me mad, as there is no telling what I might do. One of these days, I might just put my mouth to the mains pipe and suck. I mean really SUCK. And I’ll suck out all the water from the reservoir through the pipe until I have all the water and they have none.

That’s crazy.

I can’t possibly do that.

It wouldn’t be right. Oh, okay, I’ll leave the fuckers a drop.


Saturday, August 19, 2006


The armpit blow

While visiting someone in hospital today, I noticed the modern way by which they take the temperature of the patient. What they did was to insert some thingamajig under her armpit instead of inside her mouth, and voila, the temperature is taken.

What does that tell you? Volumes, man!

Human beings are now getting so versatile that they can now perform stuff with their armpits what they used to do with their mouths!

I foresee that in the distant future, there’ll be a steep drop in the quality of blowjobs. You guys are so fucked.


Friday, August 18, 2006


The Cook and the Assassin - Chapter 17

Chapter 17: Incident on the bridge

It had been many long years since Wen Yiji last rode a horse. He rode unsteadily, almost as unsteadily as Xiang Xiang did. Wisely, he decided to pace the horse at a slow trot until he could get used to the motion. The four horses with their two riders passed through Big Mist Hamlet without stopping. A group of boys stared at them open-mouthed and bowed in fear.

In the early afternoon, they stopped beside a stream to water the horses. Wen Yiji took the opportunity to examine the assortment of weapons that his sister had taken from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Picking up a bow and arrow from the pile, he drew the bow easily and took aim. The arrow hit a distant branch just as he had intended. This startled a bird on a nearby tree and it started cackling noisily.


Wen Yiji drew his bow a second time.


The unfortunate bird fell off the tree, pierced right through by the arrow.

Yiji smiled, “Say, this is a remarkably good bow!”

Xiang Xiang remarked, “You still have your archery skills, Brother Yiji. But I think we should not kill game unless we are really in need of food.”

“All right,” he growled. “I was just testing out the bow. There is no sense in carrying so many weapons with us. Keep any weapon you want and dump the rest in the bushes. I’m keeping this bow.”

“If we keep the weapons, other people may recognize them and then they will know that you have killed the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If we are to maintain a low profile, it is best that we throw them all away.”

“Don’t worry. This bow is very ordinary looking and has no distinguishing marks. Nobody will recognize it. But you can get rid of the rest.”

Xiang Xiang inspected the other weapons and then picked one up. She remarked, “I like this knife. It is short and sturdy. I think it will be good for chopping chicken or even dicing ginger.”

“Let me take a look at that,” said her brother.

He examined the blade, felt it, swung it around and tapped its side to hear the tone of its vibration before saying, “The blade looks ordinary, but I can feel that the steel is exceptionally good. I suspect that this blade was forged by a master swordsmith. It can be converted into a long kitchen knife if you just change the handle to a shorter one.”

Using his immense power, he wrenched off the ornate long handle and handed the blade to his sister, “Keep the blade. When we reach a big town, I’ll have a craftsman make you a suitable handle for it.”

“Thank you, brother Yiji,” she said. She walked behind some trees and threw the rest of the weapons down a ravine.

As they rode through a few villages, they noted that the villagers cowered in fear as they passed. This puzzled Wen Yiji, but it was none of his business. By dusk, they reached the town of Changpu and decided to stay at an inn for the night.

They left the horses at the inn stables and instructed the stable boy to feed the horses. The stable boy looked at them warily and nodded. At the inn, Wen Yiji ordered dinner from the innkeeper. It was getting chilly, so he ordered wine as well.

“Brother Yiji, are we going straight back to Tsinkiang?” asked Xiang Xiang at dinner time.

“No,” he replied, drinking the soup with a grimace. “Although we have a blood score to settle with Agent Simit in Tsinkiang, he was only an accomplice. It was Master Gojisan of the Fire Mountain Sect who was responsible for the deaths in our family. We can perhaps force Agent Simit to tell us how to locate Gojisan. But Simit is not part of the Fire Mountain Sect, and may not know at thing. Since we will be passing through the city of Changchow, we shall stay a few days there and look up this Pak Chew Cheng who perhaps may know something about the Fire Mountain Sect.”

“We should reach there by noon tomorrow.”

“What is this strange stuff that we are eating?” he asked suddenly.

“Bitter gourd stir fried with chicken and black beans.”

“And this other dish?”

“Bitter gourd with onions fried in egg.”

“The soup tastes lousy.”

“It’s bitter gourd soup.”

“Didn’t we order anything else besides bitter gourd?”

“No, we didn’t.”


“You did the ordering, brother, not me. You insisted on bitter gourd. Frankly, I think you got carried away with this bitter gourd thing. Next time, let me do the ordering.”

Yiji sighed and ate in silence while Xiang Xiang tried to keep from laughing. While she pitied her brother, she knew that it was good for him.

The innkeeper approached their table and said in a soft hushed voice. “My honourable guests,” he said. “The stable boy tells me that you have four horses that looked like that of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

“It must be a coincidence,” remarked Xiang Xiang calmly. “A lot of horses look alike. Such things happen.”

“That may be true,’ said the innkeeper with a worried tone. “But the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have killed a lot of people and made a lot of enemies in this town. From your horses, some of the enemies may mistakenly think that you belong to the same gang as the Four Horsemen. I do not want to court trouble. It will be bad for business. I suggest that you leave at early dawn tomorrow before first light!”

A light went on inside Wen Yiji’s brain. He finally understood why the villagers cowered in fear as they passed. They must have recognized the horses.

“I am not afraid of a little trouble,” Yiji remarked coolly. “Any man who is fool enough to attack me will find himself undergoing an immediate sex change.”

“No, brother,” said his sister. “I do not feel good about this. Let us not give the innkeeper any trouble since we are only passing through.”

“All right then,” Yiji said. “We’ll leave before daybreak tomorrow.”

Early the next morning, they left Changpu. Wen Yiji realized that the horses could attract trouble so he decided to free them in stages. After traveling for some distance, he freed two horses. Just before they reached Changchow, he freed the remaining two horses as well. Thus, Yiji and Xiang Xiang entered the city of Changchow on foot.

They stopped at an eating place to have a quick lunch. The menu was severely limited to only rice, cabbage and salted fish. Wen Yiji asked for bitter gourd, but it was not available. They were hungry, so they did not bother looking around for another place to eat. They asked for food and the waiter brought out two bowls of rice, a dish of fried salted fish and a plate of stir fried cabbage.

As Xiang Xiang was about to take the salted fish, she noticed a dead fly in the dish.

“Waiter,” she beckoned. “There is a dead fly with the salted fish!”

The waiter came over and took a look. He sniffed and said, “Oh, don’t worry. We are only charging you for the fish. The fly is free.”

“Hey,” said an exasperated Xiang Xiang. “How was there a dead fly with the salted fish?”

“You want an explanation?” asked the waiter, leering at her. “Okay. I think the fly must have died from eating the fish.”

Yiji’s hand shot out and grabbed the waiter’s throat in a vice-like grip. “Ni nao hiah,” he exclaimed. “A fly died while eating your fish and you served the same fish to me? You must think that your life is too long!”

The waiter made gagging noises and his eyes widened in fear. He frothed at the mouth as he struggled for oxygen. The proprietor of the stall appeared and apologized profusely.
Wen Yiji released the waiter and he promptly fell to the ground. The proprietor immediately had the fish replaced.

“I can’t imagine how people like these can set up an eating stall,” remarked Xiang Xiang to her brother. “The food is tasteless and the standards of hygiene are practically non-existent.”

Her brother concurred, “On top of that, they don’t serve bitter gourd.”

“I want to set up a restaurant,” said Xiang Xiang.


“I’ve been thinking about it. I am a fantastic cook. I want to do something.”

“You can get married. I’ll marry you off to a restaurateur if you like.”

“No, no, no. I want to start my own restaurant! Nothing fancy. I’ll serve porridge.”

“Go get married.”

“I’ll serve duck also.”

“Go get married.”

“I’ll call it the “Wen Family Restaurant” to mark our family name.”

“Go get married.”

“I’ll serve bitter gourd as well.”

“Say… should start a restaurant!”

“I want to, but I don’t have the capital.”

“If you will feature bitter gourd on your regular menu, I’ll get you the capital.”

“Yes, thank you Brother Yiji.”

Wen Yiji looked cautiously at his sister. He knew that she was far more intelligent than anybody suspected. She would be sixteen soon and of marriageable age. He wondered how he would pick a suitor for her. In all probability, he would have to make use of the services of a matchmaker.

After the meal, they went in search of the Phoenix Lane where Pak Chew Cheng was supposed to be staying. They did not find a Phoenix Lane, but found a Phoenix Road instead. They searched the whole road but had no luck in locating Pak Chew Cheng.

Dusk approached.

Wen Yiji decided to end the search and go look for an inn to stay. Xiang Xiang walked some distance behind him.

Suddenly, Yiji found himself surrounded by a small group of men. Xiang Xiang was several steps behind Yiji and thus escaped notice.

“Well, well, well,” a familiar voice boomed out. “So, you did not die after all!”

Wen Yiji turned his head in the direction of the voice.

“Sah Mi!” he cried. “I remember you! Ah yes, you tried to drown me by throwing me off a bridge the last time we met. How are you?”

“Can do lah,” replied Sah Mi. “No complaints.”

“Are you still doing the donkey work for the Prefect’s father-in-law?”

“Oh yes, I am still collecting toll illegally for Lord Tai.”

“In that case, what are you doing in the city? Shouldn’t you be at the Tiger Crossing Bridge collecting some more illegal toll? Getting lazy, is it?”

“Oh no! I’ve come to hand the toll collections to Lord Tai. I do that every few days. How have you been?”

“I have been very well, thank you. My stomach has enough food and I am sleeping well. And every night I have a roof over my head as well as a blanket to cover me.”

“If I remember correctly, you were a spy sent by Governor Li.”

“Some things never change. Every time you open your mouth, I hear stupid things. It’s no use telling you that I am not a spy, is it? You must be very disappointed that I am not dead.”

“Oh yes, I am severely disappointed. I lost a good man, Buck Tooth, because of you. And now, as it turned out, I did not manage to kill you after all. I can’t understand it……my work is usually of the highest quality. I run a zero-error operation. What the hell went wrong?”

“I think your quality standards need to be tightened. Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution. What let you down was the poor execution. And of course your poor leadership skills.”

“Is that right? Still, that does not explain how you were able to escape from drowning. A big weight was attached to your leg. That should have prevented you from surfacing.”

“True. But what you did not know was that a giant fish swam by at that moment and it grabbed me by the ankle. Then it swam down the river with me holding my breath as best as I could,” replied Yiji in jest. “Finally, it got tired and deposited me on a sand bank and I was saved.”

“Ah….that explains it,” said Sah Mi. “Well, as long as you are here, we can try again.”

“What do you mean by ‘try again’? You tried to kill me once but failed. That should tell you that Heaven is on my side. You should not even think of trying again.”

“That is where you are wrong. If at first you do not succeed, you should always try and try again. I run a zero-error operation. If I killed somebody, he has to stay killed. Now follow me to the bridge.”

“I’m busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?”

“Just follow me to the bridge.”


“I’m going to throw you off the bridge again.”

“Forget it. The Tiger Crossing Bridge is very far from here. I’m not walking that distance.”

“Oh, don’t worry. There are lots of other bridges in Changchow city that we can use. We’ll use one that is nearby. The water there is deep enough for our purpose. You should be able to drown in comfort.”

“Wa lau eh,” remarked Yiji. “You talk of death as if it is the most common thing in the world to you.”

“You’ll be surprised at the number of people that I have already killed. I’ve drowned all sorts of people. Men, women and children. They’ll all the same to me. Once they sink into the water, all you can see are bubbles.”

“You are truly a most horrible person,” remarked Yiji. “I think I shall enjoy terminating your existence.”

“Shut up and walk!” commanded Sah Mi. His men drew their swords and forced Yiji to walk to a nearby bridge. There were only six of them in total. Xiang Xiang followed unnoticed at a discreet distance.

In the middle of the bridge, the men stopped. One of Sah Mi’s hirelings produced a thick steel chain and attempted to lock it onto Wen Yiji’s ankle. Yiji stepped away.

“You are not thinking of resisting, are you?” remarked Sah Mi. “You are not my match, remember?”

In answer, Yiji brought his palm down hard on the head of the man holding the steel chain, killing him instantly. Immediately, two blades flashed towards him. He stepped neatly aside to avoid the blades and killed both swordsmen with some rapid palm strikes.

Sah Mi looked around him. In an incredibly short span of time, three of his men were dead and now there were only three of them left. Obviously, Wen Yiji had improved much since he last saw him. The three of them circled their quarry nervously.

Wen Yiji had picked up a fallen sword. Swinging it a few times, he said, “It has been a long time since I last fought with a sword.”

The men attacked him and he deflected their sword strokes so powerfully that they were in danger of having the swords knocked off their grips. With a quick move too fast to see in the semi darkness, Yiji plunged the sword into the heart of one of the men, and at the same time, his left hand delivered a deadly palm strike to the heart of another. Now only Sah Mi remained alive to fight. The toll collector read the way the battle was going and decided that it was wiser to flee. He managed to run a few steps before a palm blast from Yiji sent him sprawling.

Without hesitation, Wen Yiji took the heavy steel chain and locked it to Sah Mi’s ankle. Then he kept the key to the lock in his hand. Xiang Xiang came closer to watch the proceedings.

“Let’s see if you can swim better than I could when I throw you over this bridge,” he said to the toll collector.

Bravely, Sah Mi snarled, “You wouldn’t dare. I am Lord Tai’s operative, and nobody messes with him in this city.”

“I am not afraid of Lord Tai. In fact, given the slightest excuse, I will even go and assassinate him.”

“Many people have tried to assassinate him and failed.”

“What do you know about Master Gojisan of the Fire Montain Sect?”

“Why should I tell you anything?”

“I will throw the key to you if you cooperate,” replied Yiji holding up the key to the lock that fastened the heavy chain to Sah Mi’s ankle.

“The Fire Mountain Sect is dead. Master Gojisan has disappeared for five years. Rumour has it that he is being held prisoner somewhere and that his tendons were pierced by steel barbs to prevent him moving. His situation is such that he live also cannot, die also cannot. But that is only a stupid rumour. Master Gojisan is a top kungfu master and no one will be able to treat him that way. Now unlock me.”

“Can you swim?”


“Then now’s the time to learn!”

In a swift movement, Wen Yiji heaved the body of Sah Mi over the bridge. He landed with a huge splash in the water below.

In the light of the moon, Wen Yiji and Xiang Xiang waited for Sah Mi to surface, but there was no unusual movement on the water.

“Maybe he was telling the truth when he said that he could not swim,” remarked Xiang Xiang.

“Let’s wait a little while longer. Maybe he will come up to the surface.”

So they waited silently.

Xiang Xiang grew tired of waiting and she broke the silence.

“What are we going to do with the rest of the other five dead bodies?” she asked.

“We throw them over the bridge, of course.”

“The men appear to be carrying a sum of money.”

“Oh, that must be the toll collection that they were going to hand over to Lord Tai.”

“Are you going to throw that over the bridge as well?”

“Nah…...I will need the money for some orh kwee keng research later.”

“What orh kwee keng research?”

“Oh, you know…..pumping the courtesans for information and stuff like that. The operational details are not necessary for you to know.”

Xiang Xiang was silent. They waited for a while longer for Sah Mi to come up for air, but again there was no movement.

“Hey! I suddenly remembered!” she said. “You told the toll collector that you would throw him the key!”

“Oh, ya hor,” he said, looking at the key still in his hand. “Do you remember where Sah Mi’s body landed?”

“I think it is somewhere towards the left.”

“Are you sure?”


Wen Yiji squinted his eyes and took careful aim. Then he threw the key to the far right.


Wednesday, August 16, 2006


The old mayor is gone, yeah!

First the good news: the PJ mayor, Datuk Ahmad Termizi Puteh is gone.
For good, we hope.

We will remember him as the man who raise the assessment rates and could not provide a satisfactory explanation why. Nobody knows where the money went to since the accounts were not made public.

Oh, we know where some of the money went. Who can forget those dumb plasticky balls that were bought to beautify the roads but were such an eyesore that nobody with the intelligence greater than an ant would want them?

If you remember, on June 20 I blogged disparagingly about the increase in assessment rates in PJ. And I asked the question, “So, okay, PJ is now a city. Now tell us, what are we getting out of it?”

Well, we are getting a new mayor. Hopefully, a much better one. Which is not an impossible thing to ask since we know from unconventional wisdom that “any idiot can always be better than the previous idiot”.

The aliens have been listening to my rants. Good. I was about to go up to their UFOs to clean out their ears with detergent. That was just a figure of speech, in case you are wondering. I don’t really know what detergent to use on aliens. Probably Daya Daia. The idiot-like creature that comes on the TV commercial with the ridiculous multicoloured hair and dumb facial expression does not look human enough to me.

Now for the bad news: The haze is back in Selangor. Drink lots of water, folks. And drink every hour.


Tuesday, August 15, 2006



A word of thanks goes to reader motaku for alerting me to the fact that I had entered Chapter 12 twice in "The Cook and the Assassin" blog(see left sidebar).

That must have been pretty confusing to the new readers who were cunningly conned into visiting that story site by Google and Yahoo.

The older readers should not have a problem as they are probably used to my confusing ways by now.


Keep ‘em cool

You know why the balls are cooler to touch than the rest of the male body?

Because they hang in a wrinkly nutsack inside a pair of briefs inside a pair of trousers and are thus shielded from the effects of global warming.

And when you walk, the flip-flap movement of the trouser material fans them.

On top of that, when you open the refrigerator door, the cold air hits your nuts first.

Well, you can accept my rather simplistic explanation or opt for the official long winded boring scientific one(which I don’t really know two fucks about).

What really matters is that having a pair of cool balls will make you feel like some hot male. I’m so ready for global warming.


Monday, August 14, 2006



Are you depressed by the fact that you may not be able to bring liquids onto the planes anymore? Well, don’t be.

Let me reinforce the idea of what the underlying concept of life is about:
Everybody dies in the end.

No exceptions.

In the interim period while waiting for death, we while away the time with stuff like fighting The War Against Terror(TWAT). It is downright clear to me that TWAT should be tackled by a Stiff resolve, a Solid understanding and Hard convictions.


Thursday, August 10, 2006


The Cook and the Assassin - Chapter 16

Chapter 16: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The next morning, Wen Yiji went through his Level 7 exercises again. He was happy. In fact he was a lot happier than he had been for a long time. But for some reason, he was still not satisfied.

“Xiang Xiang,” he addressed his sister. “Do you remember what the instructions in the manual for Level 8 was before the portion was burnt? I remembered that you said that it resembled a menu.”

Xiang Xiang thought hard. The thing that she dreaded had happened; her brother was lusting hungrily after Level 8. The hunger was starting to gnaw at him. From what her brother had told her, Level 8 generated much negativity and destroyed the fate of the past practitioners of the Dark Fire Iron Palm. It was up to her to prevent the same fate from happening to her brother.

“Well, think hard!” continued Wen Yiji, unsatisfied with her silence. “What were the Level 8 instructions?”

She thought hard. The truth was that she had not finish reading the portion and she did not know what Level 8 was about. A germ of an idea occurred to her. The month before, in Pingchen, Li Daifu had told her that there was some kind of poisonous energy inside her brother and that Yiji ought to eat more bitter gourd to keep the energy under control.

Keeping a solemn face, she said, “I cannot remember much. The only thing I can remember is that the menu was about bitter gourd. But I can’t remember if it was bitter gourd soup or stir-fried bitter gourd.”

Wen Yiji was taken aback.

“You mean I have to eat bitter gourd?” he asked warily.

She nodded, still keeping a solemn face, “I do not remember any other instructions.”

Quickly, he came to a decision. “From today onwards, I want to consume bitter gourd,” he said.

“Stir-fried, soup or both?” she asked.

”Both,” he replied. “One of them ought to work.”

Still keeping a solemn face, she smiled inwardly. Everything had turned out all right.

Lusting after Level 8 was wrong.
Lying to her brother was also wrong.
But then, two wrongs did make a right.

“What are our plans, Brother Yiji?” she asked.

“Hmmmmm......we will go back to Tsinkiang. I have a score to settle with Agent Simit. He should be easy to find. However, we do not know where Gojisan is. Maybe it will be better to find out where Gojisan is before disposing off agent Simit. I don’t know. I have to think more about this.”

“We are not going to stay here in this deserted village throughout the winter, are we?”

“Of course not! Pack your stuff. We are leaving now.”

“But I am wearing my female clothes. My male attire is not yet dry from yesterday’s washing.”

“It does not matter. Just pack everything and leave,” he instructed.

Moments later, the siblings were on the road and walking northwards the way they came.

They had not walked for very long when they heard the sound of hoofbeats behind them, coming from the south.

“Horsemen are approaching, Xiang Xiang. It is best that we step to the side of the road to avoid the dust,” Yiji said.

They stepped to the side of the road and waited for the horsemen to pass. Four horsemen passed them, galloping at a furious pace and raising dust. One of them turned his head and stared at Xiang Xiang as he went by. The four riders rode for a distance, and then turned back. Slowing down to a trot, the horsemen approached Wen Yiji and Xiang Xiang.

“There!” cried one of the horsemen, “Didn’t I say that she was beautiful?”

“You are right, Number Three!” another horseman replied. “This one will do nicely.”

Pointing to Xiang Xiang, the first horseman shouted, “You, girl! Come with us!”

Wen Yiji stared at the four men and said coolly. “I am this girl’s brother. Who are you and what do you want?”

“We are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” said Number Three. “We want your sister to serve us for a while.”

“The Four Horsemen of Ah Pokai Lips?” said Yiji calmly. “I don’t believe I have heard of you. You cannot take my sister.”

“Listen well. I just told you that we are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! We rule this area. We own this road. Every village here is under our protection. What we want, we take. Don’t make me say this again,” said Number Three.

“Listen,” Wen Yiji retorted. “Nobody owns this road except the Emperor. Just because you collect protection money from some miserable villages does not mean that you can take my sister, Mr. Ah Pokai Lips!”

One of the riders had been keeping quiet all this while suddenly spoke, “Stop wasting time, Number Three. Get down and grab the girl.”

“Yes, Number One,” answered Number Three.

Number Three leapt from his horse and, with lightness kungfu, flew towards Xiang Xiang. She was ready for him. As he approached, she swiftly swung her wooden pole at him. In mid air, he twisted and averted the pole strike. But Xiang Xiang stepped to one side and thrusted with her pole again. It caught Number Three by surprise on the ankle. He dropped to the ground and got up immediately. He was unhurt, to her disappointment.

“That was a good move, girl,” remarked Number Three casually. “But you are dealing with an expert fighter here. I will show you some great moves after I catch you and strip you naked. Hahahahaha!”

He approached her again, but this time more warily.

Wen Yiji noted that Number Three did not draw his sword. Yiji did not come to the aid of his sister. It was the first time he had seen Xiang Xiang in a fight and he wanted to know the extent of his sister’s fighting ability. So, he watched from the sidelines as she did battle with the unarmed Number Three. She gave a good account of herself, moving with speed and dexterity, counter attacking with a combination of pole strikes that prevented Number Three from approaching too close. However, it was painfully obvious that she would not stand a chance against the more experienced fighter, even unarmed as he was. Her pole strokes had elegance, but lacked the power required to subdue him. She had only trained for one month under his tutelage.

As Wen Yiji was about to interfere in the battle, the leader of the four horsemen, Number One, spoke, “Number Three! Stop toying with the girl! Use your sword to subdue her! This one is too fierce to come quietly. We will have to ravish her here!”

“And when we are tired of her, we will make both of them beg for their lives,” laughed Number Four sitting on his horse. “They always beg!”

“I suggest that you get away while you still can,” warned Xiang Xiang. “You do not know who you are messing with. If you do not leave now, it will be too late.”

Number Three drew his sword.

“Stand back,” Yiji advised his sister. “I will deal with this Pokai Lips.”

“Pokai? You dare to call me names?” snarled Number Three. “Your words are very insulting. Ni nabeh! You will taste the sharp end of my sharp sword, you pathetic lump of dog shit!”

“I don’t like the tone of your voice,” remarked Wen Yiji. "Like chicken calling, like that!"

Number Three rushed at Wen Yiji and delivered a swift combination of killing strokes in a fiery swordplay. Yiji avoided all the sword strokes with a speed that surprised his attacker. Number Three tried again using another combination of thrusts, but just could not land a strike on the fast moving Yiji. A sword thrust moved past Yiji who hit the side of the blade with his fingernail. The blade vibrated, causing it to drop out of the hands of the attacker.

Wen Yiji was in no hurry to subdue his attacker. He was still discovering the capabilities of the tremendous energies of the Dark Fire Iron Palm.

On the horses, Number Two and Number Four had drawn their bows. Two arrows sped swiftly from them towards Yiji who swerved away safely and caught one of the arrows in mid-flight with his right hand.

Number Three took the opportunity to retrieve the sword that he had dropped. As he bent down to do so, Yiji moved to his side and stuck the arrow into the back of the neck of Number Three. The horseman was momentarily stunned as he knelt on the ground with the arrow sticking out from the back of his neck and the steel barb of the arrow buried somewhere inside his throat. The tip of the arrowhead could just be seen protruding out from the front of the throat. He screamed in pain but his screams came out muffled.

“You do not sound too good,” remarked Wen Yiji. “I did not like the tone of your voice before, and quite frankly, there does not seem to be any improvement. Damn! I must have placed the arrow a bit too high!”

Number Three made choking sounds. All movement was painful to him, so he kept still, hoping that the other horsemen would kill Wen Yiji and come to his aid later.

“Kill the son of a worm!” shouted Number One. “Kill him!”

Using lightness kung fu, Number Two and Number Four flew from their horses towards Wen Yiji. They drew their swords in midair and slashed together at Wen Yiji. He moved to one side in a rapid movement and grabbed hold of Number Four’s ankle as it flew past over his head.

He swung Number Four around like he was swinging a hammer and threw him towards Number One still seated on the horse. As Number Four hurtled towards him, Number One leapt from his horse with lightness kung fu and flew up high into the air. Number Four sailed over the horse and landed in the bushes.

“You appear to know a bit of kungfu. But even kungfu masters who have tangled with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse do not live to relate their experience!” said Number One as he landed on the ground.

Wen Yiji snorted, “What Four Horsemen? Your Number Three Pokai Lips is speechless on the ground, still kneeling to me, neither dead nor alive. The most you have now is three of you, counting the one still wetting himself in the bushes. can’t count? You have never been to school, is that it? You dumb shits don’t know what your fingers and toes are for!”

Without waiting for Number Four to join them, Number One attacked in tandem with Number Two and Wen Yiji had to quickly take defensive measures. Moving fluidly, he avoided the slashing blades that appeared from all directions. The horsemen were good swordsmen, and they understood each other’s moves thus allowing them to combine and fight.

Number Four had picked himself up from the bushes and was about to join the fight when Wen Yiji landed a slap on the cheek of Number Two with his right hand, using the tremendous power of the Dark Fire Iron Palm behind it. The head of Number Two flew abruptly sideways and snapped away from the spine. All that held the head to the body was the skin, stretched to its limit. He stood there for a moment with his head hanging down lolling uselessly and his eyes still opened and staring in shock. Then he toppled over like a sack of rice. Wen Yiji had made his first kill with the Dark Fire Iron Palm.

“Oh......look at that Pokai!” laughed Wen Yiji merrily. ”His Pokai head is out of position!”

Number One was infuriated and he attacked Wen Yiji relentlessly with his sword, joined by Number Four. Wen Yiji carefully avoided their killing moves. Suddenly, Number One broke away from the attack and leapt towards Xiang Xiang using lightness kung fu. Wen Yiji immediately guessed Number One intended to grab Xiang Xiang as a hostage. Wen Yiji leapt in the air after the leader of the horsemen, and delivered a palm blast that blasted Number One off course causing the horseman to land in a thorny bush.

Number Four paused in his steps. Wen Yiji turned around in midair and palm blasted Number Four as well. The poor horseman flew back several steps and fell down, but did not die.

“The palm blast may be useful,” thought Wen Yiji. “But its force is dispersed and the effect is not as powerful as a direct blow using physical palm contact.”

He leapt over to the bush and grabbed hold of the left leg of Number One that was sticking out of the bush. He twisted the leg and broke it in two places. Then he swung the horseman by the broken leg and threw him over to where Number Four was.

Number Four had just gotten up from the ground when the body of Number One landed heavily on him. The two of them crashed onto the ground in a mass of tangled limbs.

Coolly, Wen Yiji walked over to the two fallen horsemen and addressed number One, “Hey, muthafucka! Do you still want to ravish my sister?”

Number One was silent as he tried not to cry out due to the excruciating pain in his broken left leg.

“Why are you silent?” asked Yiji. “An absence of denial means that you must be still thinking about it! Kanineh! Die die also still want to think about sex!”

He dragged Number One’s right leg, hit it with his palm and twisted it with both hands. There was a series of cracking noises as the horseman’s right leg was being broken. The horseman yelled and cursed loudly in his agony. He swore colourfully at Wen Yiji’s parents. This angered Wen Yiji and he worked the horseman’s arm as well. There was another series of cracking noises, and Number One’s right arm also broke in several places. Not content with that, Wen Yiji work on the left arm and after another round of bone cracking noises, both arms of Number One hung uselessly by his side.

“I have a question to ask of you,” said Wen Yiji to Number One. “You people are from the martial underworld black society. You must know a lot of assassin organizations. Can you please tell me where I can locate the Fire Mountain Sect?”

Number One could not speak, being in too much of an agony to do anything except breathe.

Wen Yiji was angered at the lack of response, so he lambasted, “Ni nao hiah......I talked to you nicely nicely but you don’t answer me. I may as well kill you!”

The other horseman, Number Four, was about to get up when Wen Yiji said, “Don’t you dare move, muthafucka! If you want to get up, you have to put up your hand and get permission from me first, you understand?”

Number Four nodded his head in fear. The fight had gone out of him. He knew that they had met a higher mountain. The short battle had signaled the end of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Number One’s face was full of hatred when Wen Yiji pulled his body to face Number Four. Grabbing the head of Number One with one hand and the neck with his other hand, Wen Yiji asked Number Four, “Tell me, do you think I am strong enough to pull your leader’s head off from his body? Shall I demonstrate this remarkable feat for your benefit?”

“Wait!” said Number Four. “I believe you are strong enough! You do not have to demonstrate the fact!”

“You are only saying it,” said Yiji. “But actually you don’t believe that I can do it! It is best that I demonstrate.”

“No! No! No! Do not demonstrate! I believe you!”

“There is as saying that says “Seeing is believing, and believing is seeing”. That means that you believe it and want to see me do it.”

“No! No! No! I don’t want to see you do it!”

“Ahhhhh......people are always standing on ceremony. When we say “No”, we are merely being polite. You know, it is just like when we give people angpow, their mouths say “No” but their hands still take. You people are all like that.”

“No! No! No! I actually mean ‘No’!”

“All right then. Since you do not wish me to pull off his head, I will pull yours instead!”

“No, don’t pull mine!”

“Make up your mind! Pull yours or his?”


“Well, if you say so.”

Wen Yiji jerked the head upwards. The vertebra in Number One’s neck separated with a snapping sound that drove chills into the body of Xiang Xiang. Wen Yiji dropped the head, and it hung lifelessly from the neck, with its eyes staring at Number Four. The eyes blinked, sending shivers down the spine of Number Four.

A gagging sound attracted their attention. Number Three had gotten up and was stumbling around. The arrowhead buried in his throat had blocked off a major portion of his windpipe, thus cutting off the air supply, He tried to pull the arrow out from behind the back of his neck, but it was not possible. The arrowhead was barbed, and pulling at it only resulted in the barbs digging into the flesh. The only method for removing a barbed arrow was to push it forward. He would have to remove the arrow from the front.

However, the lack of air going through the windpipe was killing him slowly by asphyxiation and prevented him from thinking clearly. He clawed at his throat desperately while stumbling around. Wen Yiji, Xiang Xiang and Number Four watched in fascination as Number Three moved around drunkenly before he keeled over and died.

Out of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, three had lost their lives. Wen Yiji turned his attention towards Number Four and said, “It’s your turn now, hor?”

“No, big master. Please do not kill me! I beg you!” cried Number Four.

“Hey,” said Wen Yiji. “Wasn’t it you who said just now that you will make both of us beg for our lives?”

“No! No! No! It wasn’t me! It most certainly wasn’t me!”

“Do you think you could possibly tell me how to locate the Fire Mountain Sect?”

“I do not know where it is! Nobody knows! The Fire Mountain Sect has not been active for the past few years!”

“Oh......then you are useless to me. I may as well kill you now!”

“Wait! If I can tell you how to get in touch with them, will you let me go?”

“If you do that, I will not kill you today. Perhaps the next day, but not today. Now speak!”

“In Changchow, I know of a man who has contacts with many assassin organizations. He accepts contracts from people wishing to kill other people. Then he farms out the contracts to the assassins. He may be able to help.”

“Who is this man? Where does he live?”

“His name is Pak Chew Cheng. He stays in a house with a red roof in Phoenix Lane.”

“What does he look like?”

“He is about twenty-five years old.”

“If he is so young, how can he be an agent for assassins? Are you bluffing me?”

“No! No! No! A thousand times no! He is only a small timer in the assassin business doing it part time. His main business is selling flowers.”

Nabeh......a flower seller trying to become an agent for assassins. What is this world coming to?”

“It makes perfect sense. When people get killed, he would go around and asked if people wanted to buy flowers for the funeral.”

Wen Yiji searched the dead body of Number One and found some money.

“I say! This Pokai Lips had so much money. I should confiscate it, but then it would not be right, would it?” he asked Number Four.

“No, it wouldn’t!” said Number Four, also eying the money.

“However,” said Yiji slowly. “If you were to die suddenly, then this money would belong to no one. In that case, I should pick it up and use it instead of leaving it to rot on the ground. That would be the proper thing to do. Don’t you think so?”

“Take the money! Take the money!” yelled Number Four in fear.

“Oh, I can’t do that. It would not be morally right. Not unless you die first.”

“No! No! No! It is all right. Since I am the only survivor, all the assets of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse belong to me. I am giving them to you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Yes! I’m sure. Just take what you wish. I’m begging you.”

“All right then. Since you begged me, I will do so. But only because you begged me!”

Wen Yiji instructed his sister to search the other dead bodies and gather all the weapons and anything that was valuable. Xiang Xiang searched the other dead bodies and found some more money. “Damn!” she called out to her brother. “These crooks must have been very active in their collection of protection money. If you had not destroyed them, they would have continued terrorizing the villages.”

Wen Yiji helped the injured Number Four to his feet, and as he did so, he tapped Number Four on the back with his finger. The finger tap was delivered just right behind the heart position. It was the method of which he had heard White Hair described the Uber Slow Walk Heart Stopping Strike many years ago. He did not know if it would work, but he did not intend to hang around to find out.

Wen Yiji led his sister to the horses. Turning around, he addressed Number Four, “Listen! I am taking all four of the horses since you begged me to take what I wish. However, I have not taken the money that you have on your body. My advice to you is to enjoy yourself today. Eat and drink! Call a chicken and enjoy it tonight. Because tomorrow, you may die!”

“You are going to let him live?’ asked Xiang Xiang.

“I did promise him that I will not kill him today,” replied her brother. “Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Let the fates decide.”

He helped her climb onto a horse before climbing on one himself. The remaining two horses were hitched to his horse and they rode away with all four horses.

Number Four was left without a horse or a weapon. He was injured, but not severely enough to prevent him from walking. Slowly, he straggled along as best as he could, stopping to rest every now and then. By mid afternoon, he straggled into Big Mist Hamlet. He was exhausted. He reached an inn and asked for a room. The innkeeper recognized him as one of the feared Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and so gave him the best room available.

Number Four slept. He woke up at dinner time and shouted to the waiter to bring him some wine. After drinking, he slept again. In the morning, he woke up.

“Ah,” he said as he got out of bed and walked towards the door, “What happened yesterday must have been a bad dream! I will find three more fighters and we will soon become the new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! I will be the new leader and we will collect lots more protection money! If I ever see those two again......uh......”

He did not finish his sentence nor did he reach the door. All of a sudden, his heart had stopped functioning and he collapsed clumsily onto the flooring.

The Uber Slow Walk Heart Stopping Strike had worked.

Next: No title yet, but it will be about Yiji and Sah Mi.


Wednesday, August 09, 2006


Ancient saying

Ancient Chinese saying says,
“Easier to bend the body than the will.”

I don’t know who this ancient Chinese person was who was so free to come out with an ancient saying like that, but he must have been an ancient Yoga teacher.

But since there is no yoga in ancient China, then he must have been the trainer of the Emperor’s concubines.


Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Dumb squirrel

As I was parking my car in the basement car park of a building yesterday, I saw a squirrel atop one of the water pipes on the wall staring at the cars. What a dumb animal. Squirrels eat nuts and any fool can see that parked cars do not grow nuts. It can stare as long as it likes at the petrol engine cars moving in and out, but in the end it will only get exhausted.

You know, sometimes I wonder about the intelligence of animals. If they are going to be so stupid like that, it will take many more million years to evolve proper brains. Sure, I would like to see them act smarter a bit, but frankly, I don’t think I have the patience to wait that long.

A little thought just occurred to me. You know, I don’t believe I have ever eaten squirrel.


Monday, August 07, 2006


World is neither good nor bad

From my angle of view, the world looks like a cesspool of humanity trying to cram into a shitbox.

Why do bad people happen to good things?

Some fucker once told me that it takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.


Friday, August 04, 2006


Outrageous Sex Menu

I got a strange picture from this great blog,

I don't care what anybody says, but there is no way I am fucking the fish head.

I'm not fucking that stoopid bullfrog either.


Thursday, August 03, 2006


The Cook and the Assassin - Chapter 15

Chapter 15 : The Dark Fire Iron Palm

Walking swiftly along the bank of the Nine Dragon River, Xiang Xiang wondered if her brother was still alive. There were a few branches floating along the river and she did not know if Yiji was hiding under any one of them. It would get dark soon. She dared not shout out to her brother as that could attract the attention of the toll collectors still on the bridge. Although she was already some distance from the Tiger Crossing Bridge, she knew that sound could travel long distances over the water.

There was a way she could communicate with her brother, but she did not know if Yiji remembered it. A long time ago, her mother had taught all the children in the family how to hoot like an owl by forming a hollow enclosure with the palms and then blowing across it. If executed properly, the resulting sound resembled that of an owl. By working the palms, two notes were possible. And by varying the two notes according to a pattern, coded messages could be sent off. It was a simple binary code but it worked.

She stopped along the river bank and hooted. It was a note of greeting; three low notes with the fourth note rising in pitch.

There was no answering hoot.

She walked on further and hooted again.

Again, no answering hoot.

She walked further down river and a voice called out, “I heard you. You can stop hooting now.”

She stared. Under the shade of a small tree beside the river, she could see her brother half hidden among the sweeping branches. Excitedly she went to him.

“Brother Yiji! Thank the fates that you are alive!”

“Thank you for stealing the key for me. Your street skills came in handy after all!”

“Are you injured in any way?”

“No. But those bastards took my money!”

“Never mind. I have some money with me. It should be enough for our journey if we spend prudently.”

“Damn! I should go back and crack a few heads open!”

“Please don’t go looking for trouble, brother Yiji. Your luck has not been good lately, so it is not wise to stir things up.”

“I do not believe my luck is that bad!”

“It is bad. Today you were thrown off a bridge.”

“One lousy incident does not mean that my luck is bad. It’s only a small mishap”

“In the house of the Borrowing Hag, you were poked by a poisoned needle.”

“That was another small mishap!”

“In Tsinkiang, you were beaten up by some courtesans.”

“Don’t remind me of that mishap!”

“In Fuzhou, you were beaten up in the streets and robbed.”

“What can I say? It’s yet another small mishap!”

“Before that, you were jailed for six years.”

There was no way that Wen Yiji could call that a small mishap, so he was silent.

Xiang Xiang then said, “When you were in prison, mother visited a fortune teller to ask him to calculate your bazi horoscope. After reading your Eight Pillars of Destiny, the fortune teller said that you were going through a difficult phase in your life. Such is your Heaven luck.”

“This bazi readings cannot be trusted. They are not always correct. Don’t put your faith in such things.”

“You are the only male that is left of our family. If opportunity permits, then I would like to go to a temple to pray for your safety. And maybe seek out another bazi reading for you,” said Xiang Xiang.

+ + + + + +

Wen Yiji and Xiang Xiang reached Changchow the next day without incident. Changchow was a huge city and it was known for its fruits. Xiang Xiang would have liked to stay for a few days in the city but her brother was in no mood to dally around. They left Changchow and reached Changpu two days later.

Changpu was not a very big town. On passing through the town, the siblings came across a temple by the side of the main thoroughfare.

Outside the temple there was a young man with a shaven head shouting, “Kua siong, sng mia! Kua siong, sng mia!

“Look! There is a bazi reader!” exclaimed Xiang Xiang excitedly. “Let’s calculate your Heaven luck!”

Reluctantly, Wen Yiji allowed his sister to persuade him to approach the young shaven headed man.

“Tell me the day, hour and the year you were born,” instructed the young man."Then I will read your fortune."

Wen Yiji told him. The young man consulted a calendar and then wrote down the eight characters, or bazi, that charted out Wen Yiji’s destiny as determined by Heaven. The eight characters were arranged in four pillars, known as the Four Pillars of Destiny.

Wa piang! Looking at your four pillar chart, you were born on a wood day in spring. That makes you a strong wood. Like a very big block of wood!”

“Is that good?” asked Wen Yiji.

“No,” replied the young man condescendingly. “How can a big block of wood be good? Your wood element is too strong! In the productive cycle of the five elements, wood produces fire, fire produces earth, earth produces metal, metal produces water and water produces wood. You need more fire for your wood to have an outlet.”

“What do I do?” asked Yiji respectfully.

“You will have to carry fire with you wherever you go,” replied the young man.

“Is there anything else?”

“In your chart, there is no water element,” replied the young man. “It is a very dry chart. Can catch fire anytime. You need water to complete the cycle. Otherwise, it will be a broken cycle. Very disastrous.”

“So, what do I do?”

“You need to carry water with you wherever you go.”

“How can I carry both fire and water?” asked Wen Yiji.

“Easy,” replied the young man. “One hand carry a fire torch and the other hand carry a bucket of water.”

“And I have to take them wherever I go?”

“Yes! Everywhere!”

“Even to the toilet?”

“Especially to the toilet,” replied the man. “The fire gives you light so that you don’t fall into the toilet hole. Then after you shit your shit, you can use the water to wash your backside. Normal people have to carry both fire and water when they go to the toilet. You, on the other hand, will have to carry fire and water everywhere you go.”

Kanineh!” said an irritated Wen Yiji. “If I carry fire with one hand and water with the other hand, everybody will think that I am going to the toilet all the time! This is the most ridiculous advice I have received. I should not pay you.”

However, Xiang Xiang calmed her brother down and paid the man. While Wen Yiji went down the street to look around, Xiang Xiang went into the temple to pray for her brother.

As she was leaving the temple, a voice called out to her, “Would you like to have your bazi read?”

The voice came from an old man with a thin beard. The shaven headed young man was standing beside him.

“No thanks!” said Xiang Xiang. “My brother had his bazi read by that young man beside you and he was advised to carry fire with one hand and water with the other. I understand your need to make a living, but I also think that you people should not anyhow give advice.”

The old man glared at the young man and scolded, “Si gin nah! How many times must I tell you not to give bazi readings when I am not around? Your knowledge of bazi is weak and you will end up doing people more harm than good!”

Turning to Xiang Xiang, the old man apologized, “I am sorry. This young man is my apprentice. If you will allow me, I will read your brother’s bazi. May I know what time, what season, and what year was he born?”

Xiang Xiang told him.

The old man wrote out eight characters and examined them. Then he cleared his throat and said, “Your brother is currently in a period of very bad luck. But this bad luck period is coming to an end. If your brother makes it through, he will become very powerful.”

“Powerful as like being a general?” she asked hopefully.

“No,” he replied. “He does not get along well with people. He will be powerful like a kungfu master. You need to keep a check over his character because he can be very vengeful. Those who cross him will suffer a horrible fate.”

“Your apprentice crossed him just now. Does that mean that your apprentice will die horribly?”

A look of fear crept over the face of the young apprentice.

The old man brought out a wrapped packet, handed it to Xiang Xiang and said, “Please forgive my young apprentice. A sifu is responsible for the actions of the disciple. This packet of sweetcakes is very tasty and I had bought it earlier to take home. Please give it to your brother as a token of my apology. I do not wish that your brother have any vengeful thoughts towards us.”

“Your fears are groundless,” said Xiang Xiang. “My brother is not that vengeful.”

“Your brother has a unique chart. I know enough of the charts to know that I should not take chances with this man,” replied the old man. “Please accept my gift.”

“All right then,” she replied, taking the packet of sweetcakes. “Thank you. I will convey your apologies to my brother.”

Xiang Xiang went down the street, found her brother and told him what the old man had said.

“This is a damn good sweetcake,” remarked Wen Yiji on eating one. “And you got it for free? The old man must be right; my bad luck period is coming to an end.”

+ + + + + +

The next day, they walked south until they reached a large hamlet called Big Mist Hamlet. That night, they stayed at an inn. In the morning, they bought a hoe and then proceeded on towards Xi An village. The road curved towards the sea and occasionally, they could see the sea in the distance.

By noon, they reached Xi An Village. It was deserted, totally deserted. There were some old broken down houses around but they had been abandoned a long time ago. A gloomy melancholy hung in the air.

“Are you sure that this is Xi An village?” asked Xiang Xiang. “It appears deserted.”

“The woodcutter we met along the road told us that Xi An village was abandoned for the last twenty years because of attacks by coastal pirates and wandering gangs,” said Wen Yiji. “This is the only abandoned village we have seen. It must be Xi An.”

“All right,” remarked his sister. “Where are we going to dig for the Seow Char Bor’s bones?”

“It’s Seow Char Bu. Not Seow Char Bor. The grave should be on the eastern peak of a hill that has two peaks.”

Walking past the abandoned village, they soon spotted a hill with twin peaks. They headed towards the eastern peak and started the laborious climb. By mid afternoon, they reached the top of the peak. Xiang Xiang was exhausted by the walk and the climb. She sat on the ground to rest while Wen Yiji looked around. Her brother had no luck in locating the grave so she went to help him look.

“There......out there on the ledge,” she gesticulated. “Do you see it?”

“Surely that could not be a headstone,” he replied. “It’s more like a small piece of rock.”

Nevertheless, he climbed down to the ledge and examined the piece of rock. He brushed the rock with his hands and sure enough, he could see three characters staring up at him.

“Seow Char Bu,” he read. “Yes! This is it!”

Taking the hoe, he started digging. Xiang Xiang felt squeamish. The digging up a dead woman’s bones was something that she wished she was not witnessing.

Suddenly, she heard it.


“What was that?” she asked.

“I must have hit the wooden coffin,” he answered.

Digging the earth more carefully, Wen Yiji soon unearthed a wooden box.

“It’s not a coffin,” commented Xiang Xiang. “Seow Char Bu was buried in a wooden box. She must have been a small person.”

“I’m going to open it,” her brother said.

Using the hoe, he cracked the box open. Then they stared. Inside the box was another smaller box.

“Your cellmate’s mistress must have been really, really small,” she said.

“Maybe she was a midget!” her brother suggested.

Wen Yiji picked up the smaller box with both hands and placed it on the ground beside the grave. It was latched shut. He opened the latch and swung the lid open. Inside was a third box. It was even smaller.

“That can’t be right!” commented Xiang Xiang. “Nobody can be that small!”

Wen Yi Ji opened up the third box. In it was a book.

Xiang Xiang looked over his shoulder and read the words on the cover of the book, “The Dark Fire Iron Palm Manual!”

“This is strange,” Yiji muttered. “Why is the Dark Fire Iron Palm Manual here? White Hair told me that his mistress was buried here. Did he make a mistake?”

“Nobody can make a mistake like that,” she said. “What is the Dark Fire Iron Palm?”

“It is a type of kungfu that is supposed to be very powerful. Many people think that the Dark Fire Iron Palm is a myth that existed only in legends. But old White Hair was a master of this martial art. Before he died, he made me promise that I would come out here to dig up this grave. If he knew that the grave contained only the manual, why couldn’t he have told me that straightaway?”

“I think I understand,” Xiang Xiang remarked. “It was a test of your character. White Hair wanted you to have the manual, but only if you were a trustworthy man. For only a trustworthy man would have kept his promise and come up here to dig up the grave, and thus gain the manual. There was no mistress. White Hair cooked up that story to test you. He must have really liked you to pass this manual to you.”

“We did not talk much. But he did say that he liked me and that he considered himself to be my sifu,” said Yiji. “He said that all my opinions belonged to him. I thought that he was a crazy old coot and so I left him to say what he liked.”

“Are you going practice this Dark Fire Iron Palm?” she asked.

Wen Yiji thought for a while.

“I do not know. It has a reputation of being a dark martial art. The highest level is Level 8. White Hair said that the practitioners were all right when they were at Level 7. The moment they reached Level 8, their lives turned for the worse because Level 8 generated much mental negativity and this attracted bad vibrations that screwed up their lives.”

“Is Level 8 very much different from Level 7?”

“No, Level 8 is only one quarter stronger than Level 7.”

“Then the difference is just very slight.”

“Unfortunately, those who reached Level 7 will not rest until they learn Level 8 as well. That is the problem. Level 7 is already very powerful, but man’s greed knows no bounds,” he said.

“The inability to control greed soon leads to doom,” she remarked. “It is late in the afternoon. I think we should be getting down from this hill before it gets dark.”

He grunted in agreement and kept the manual in his clothes. They climbed down the hill and checked the abandoned houses. It was too late for them to walk back to Big Mist Hamlet, so they decided that they would spend the night in one of the abandoned houses. The houses were broken down and the walls hardly kept the wind out. They found a small hut that was still partially usable and Xiang Xiang built a fire inside.

While she ate some dry bread, her brother read the Dark Fire Iron Palm Manual.

“The Dark Fire Iron Palm can only be practiced after one has attained the Dark Fire Foundation,” he said.

Xiang Xiang looked up, “You need to go through a foundation course?”

“Yes, the manual says that the foundation course will take thirty years to complete!”

Xiang Xiang did a quick calculation. Then she remarked, “If you start now, you will be able to finish the foundation course by the time you are fifty nine years old!”

“What a stupid martial art!” he exclaimed. “Who has all that time to spend on the foundation course? This is a fast paced world. We want to graduate as soon as possible. If I practice today, I want the results by yesterday!”

“Let me see that!” she said.

Wen Yiji handed the manual to her.

“You are right,” she said. “It will take a long time. For the first year, you will have to bathe in cool clear mountain stream waters to purify the skin. For the second year, you will eat nothing but cucumber and carrots to condition your organs. For the third year, you will lie down in a meadow of some unknown flower.”

“I guess if people are desperate enough for power, they will even try to go through all that. I can’t imagine anybody who can be that stupid as to waste thirty years of his life, but there is a sucker born every moment.”

“It also says here that all sex is to be avoided during these thirty years,” she said.

“What!” roared Yiji. “No sex? What a stupid manual! Throw it into the fire!”

Xiang Xiang read on, “In the fourth year, you will eat one frog head a day. There is even a recipe on how it is to be cooked. Hey, I can cook this!”

“Didn’t you hear me tell you to throw it into the fire? At least the fire will keep us warm.”

She flipped rapidly to the end of the book and said, “Level 8 looks like a recipe as well.”

“Will you close that stupid book and chuck it into the fire?” he said, losing patience.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“Of course I’m sure!” he replied.

She tore off a few pages from the end and threw them into the flames. The paper caught fire and burned brightly. She turned the book around and tore off a few more pages. While enjoying the fire, she read on.

“It says here that instead of spending thirty years of training, the foundation can also be passed on by a sifu to a disciple. The Foundation course is also known as the Poison Field Inner Stance. Hey, that name sounds familiar. Didn’t you mention it to me before?” she asked.

As she was about to throw the rest of the book into the fire, Wen Yiji shouted, “Wait! I have the Poison Field Inner Stance! That means I already have the foundation!”

Both brother and sister stared at each other stupidly for a moment.

Then Yiji said, “Give me that manual!”

She passed the remaining portion of the manual to him. He examined it in silence and then commented, “Well, you have burned most of the Foundation portion and also Level 8. But Level 1 to Level 7 is still intact. It says here that it will take only ten days to master those seven levels. Good!”

“Do you intend to practise the Dark Fire Iron Palm?” she asked.

“Of course! I am getting tired of getting beaten up and thrown off bridges! I am so going to do this!”

Quickly, he went through the exercises of Level 1 as prescribed by the manual. By the end of the next day, he felt an energy stirring within him. His fitness had returned, and he felt as strong as he was before he entered prison six years ago. He sensed that the Poison Field Inner Stance was creating new forces within him. He had mastered Level 1.

He ran. It was a wonderful feeling to have regained his fitness. In the dusk, he came across a wandering pangolin out searching for food. Without hesitation, he leapt upon it. It curled into a ball with fright. Picking up the creature, he passed it to his sister. That night, they had pangolin soup.

At the end of five days, he reached Level 4. While practising Level 4, he heard a small herd of wild boars somewhere in the vicinity. Picking up a huge rock, he ran towards the noise. He sprinted up into the air with lightness kungfu and spotted the herd below him. Swooping downwards, he tried to bring the rock down on the head of a medium sized boar. However, he overshot the boar and missed.

“Damn!” he swore. “I’ve yet to get the hang of this Dark Fire energy! It is definitely not that easy to control!”

The herd dispersed in panic but one huge male boar snorted and charged at Wen Yiji. He sidestepped the charge and hit the side of the boar with his palm as it passed him. The boar flew sideways, and when it landed, it was dead.

“Holy geomancy! What power!” he remarked, staring at his hand. “And it is only Level 4!”

Picking up the dead boar, he lifted it over his head and brought it to Xiang Xiang.

“This is one huge boar. I don’t think we can eat that much!” she said. Nevertheless, she was glad for the fresh meat. It was the beginning of winter and food would soon be scarce or expensive. Over the days, the dead boar became fried boar, roasted boar, boar soup, stewed boar and smoked boar.

While her brother was training in the Dark Fire Iron Palm, Xiang Xiang kept herself busy by training in the long pole. From time to time, Wen Yiji would take time out from his training to spar with her and correct her pole strikes. He did not think that fighting with a long pole was her natural disposition, but he trained her nevertheless.

In ten days, Wen Yiji had reached Level 7.

As he went through the Level 7 routine as prescribed by the manual, a raging energy formed inside his arms, begging for release in the most ferocious way. He jerked his right hand savagely upwards and the hand released a furious Dark Fire Iron Palm Blast into the sky.

A seagull flying overhead had the feathers of its left wing blown off by the palm blast. However, it continued along its flight path, thus obeying the Law of Conservation of Momentum.

But flying with one wing using feathered flight, and the other wing using unfeathered flight was impossible. It went into a dizzy tailspin thus obeying the Law of Kinetics.

Unable to maintain its altitude, it dropped out of the skies and plummeted fatally to the ground, thus obeying the Law of Gravity.

A civet cat charged out of the bushes and grabbed it. The civet cat was not even hungry, but it was feeling mean and nasty that day. It bit the fallen bird into two, thus obeying the Law of Fucking Bastards.

Wen Yiji was ecstatic. He had been surprised by the palm blast coming out of his right palm. Holding his hands in front of him, he stared at them for a moment and uttered, “Cool!”

He had mastered Level 7.


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