Tuesday, May 31, 2005


Good or not, my England?

Actually, my England not bad wan. I don’t need any online test to confirm it. However, while lurking in Yeepei’s blog, I came across this link to a test on “Does Your English Cut the Mustard?” .

I'm not keen on cutting up mustard and shit, but I'll take an English test.

And here are my proud results:

Great, huh? Got 80% in both grammar and punctuation. And I got it on the first try. I'm not one of those morons who will take the same test 100 times and then show you the best score to try to impress you. This was REALLY my first try.

The 80% high score in grammar came as no surprise.
My grammar has always been good. That’s because I have what I call "good time awareness". Grammar involves the present tense, past tense and future tense. I always knew what was in the past and what was the future.

Unlike some of my classmates whose heads were screwed on backwards that they could not tell the future from the past. I remember a particular incident. One of the teachers hated us. We hated him in return. So we made an arrangement to meet one afternoon beside his car so that we could try out some "redecoration" work. I went to great lengths to furtively secure a small can of paint from my dad's private stock. I got to the car at the appointed time, but nobody else showed up.

Their excuse later was, "Oh, we thought you meant next week and not yesterday." Idiots. With no fucking sense of time. Or date for the matter.

I heard that some of them later went on to work as history teachers.

Okay, back to my test scores. It is in 'Punctuation' that my improvement had been the greatest. You noticed my score of 80% above? Good eh?

I used to be terrible in punctuation. It involved shit like commas, full stops and exclamation marks. I had no problems with full stops, question marks and exclamation marks because I knew that they always occur at the end of a sentence. ALWAYS. And I just throw in whichever one I liked, depending on my mood.

But the comma was another matter. I just didn’t know where to put it in a sentence.

My English teacher used to say, “You nevah be for sure kenot improve all your punctuations in the English speaking! Nevah!”

Hah! If only he could see my 80% score now! I think the problem I had was with the shape of the comma. It’s shape resembled something like a tadpole. It did not try to engage my homing instincts. How the heck was I to know where a tadpole was supposed to go?

It would have been another matter if the comma had been shaped like a dick. Even at a young age, I knew where a dick was supposed to go. My homing instincts would have been actively engaged and locked in. But, no, I did not tell my English teacher that.

It was many, many years later, during a wild New Year party, that one mat salleh girl told me that the comma looked like a squiggly sperm. From that day onwards, my punctuation started to improve. Just look at that 80% score, fellas, and pay homage to my greatness as a linguist!

Please don’t look at my scores for both spelling and vocabulary.
We know that these things are really not important in a language.


Monday, May 30, 2005


We’ve had our laughs. Let’s be serious now.

One thing is for certain; you people do have a wacky sense of humour.

We all know that this is an underground blog, and you people come here to relax, listen to some bullshit, have a few laughs and loosen your underwear. (You do wear underwear, don’t you?). All we want to do is to laugh at the happenings of the world. After which we will go back to our normal life to concentrate on earning a living.

When I was first nominated for the Blog Of the Year award, my initial reaction was,

“…….awards…….T-shirts prizes……a Jedi craves not these things…...”

However, I did thought that maybe we could milk the whole affair for a few laughs. And milk it we did. We lampooned the P.P.S. T-shirt design BEFORE the T-shirt design was even out.

We even tried to shamelessly hijack the event for blogwhoring(albeit unsuccessfully). That must have caused some concern over at P.P.S. Central Headquarters.

Perhaps this is not a good time to suggest my other brilliant idea for the T-shirt design…..something about P.P.S. standing totally for Promoting Painless Sex. And at the back of the T-shirt, we can rent out some advertisement space to the Painless Sex industry, like KY Jelly or Minyak Licin Ah Seng. This PPS initials have such great money-spinning potential that my fertile mind is already tempted with hatching a dirty plot involving an aggressive corporate takeover.

But seriously, guys…… we’ve had our fun, and it’s about time we toned it down a notch.

You know that the only worthy winner has to be Jeff Ooi of Screenshots. Frankly, I do not think that Jeff is bothered whether he wins this award or not. But PPS needs the credibility. This is the first time they are organizing such an event and the first winner has to be a blogger of some respectability with international standing.

Yesterday, out of curiosity, I checked the BlogOfTheYear nominations page and had a double-stage orgasm on seeing Viewtru leading the list of nominations. Leading the list? Muahahahaha!!! Did I mention before that you people have a wacky sense of humour?

And then the reality of the situation asserted itself.

We are an underground blog known more for inane bullshit than anything else. Occasionally we do attempt to indulge in deep profound discussions which are really beyond the capability of the ordinary mind. But those occasions are few and far between, so they don’t count.

Simply put, we are not ‘politically correct’ enough to be ‘Blog of the Year’ material.

The public will laugh at PPS if we win this.
Laughing is nice, but we want people to laugh WITH us.
And not for any other unsanctioned reasons.
We are the Cool Running Pack, remember? We determine hilarity.

So, let’s restore some credibility to this thing, shall we? I was hoping that maybe some bloggers could be planning to put in their nominations for somebody with sufficient political correctness, such as Screenshots, at the very last minute. But let us not leave things to chance. People have been known to fall asleep waiting to do the things they should be doing. Shit like this happen all the time. Like forgetting to vote in ‘Malaysian Idol’. So it’s now up to us.

Those of you with some nominations still to spare, are requested to pump in some more nominations for Screenshots. You got only up to Wednesday midnight to do it.

And another thing. If you had already nominated 3 blogs already, don’t attempt to nominate a 4th one. Like what one Prangin Mall owner…sorry….blogger(who shall not be named, hahaha!) tried to do. Believe it or not, the folks at PPS know how to count!

While we are being serious, we may as well go on and mention another serious topic currently being floated about in the blogsphere: ‘Plagiarism’.

I know that some bloggers hate plagiarism. And illegal VCDs.
As much as Bill Gates would hate plagiarism. And illegal software.

But I am not Bill Gates. I tend to take a more tolerant view on this. At last count, there was something like 17 different sites hosting my written articles “unofficially”. I would probably find more than 20 if I had bothered to google some more. I think it will be difficult to find some other local blog that is more thoroughly plagiarized than this one.

Should you come across any sites hosting my articles unofficially, I hope that you will LEAVE THEM ALONE. Please do not terrorize them.

I DO NOT OBJECT to people emailing out my articles or even putting them in their blogs WITHOUT a link to me. I have good reasons for taking such a stand. That is because my Concept Of Life itself is somewhat different from most.

The explanation is quite long and will have to wait for another day.

I just want to end this post by yelling:



Saturday, May 28, 2005


Malaysian Idol Season 2 - Kuching Auditions

I know, I know. I’m a sucker for Malaysian Idol. And season 2 just opened. It wouldn’t be right if I don’t blog this.

I just saw the Malaysian Idol auditions in Kuching on TV. It did not appear to be that impressive.

The host, Jien is still around, but we have anew co-host in Cheryl. Cheryl seems comfortable enough in her role.

A word about the judges:
Roslan was his uncouth self as usual. You would think that after one year, his mannerisms would have improved. But no, it didn’t. The TV network couldn’t afford to hire a behaviourologist to work on him or what?
Jee was her composed self as usual. Soft and serious, she was. And she still looks classy.
Paul was acting like an impatient judgemental asshole. Yup, same as before. Some things never change.

The contestants were a nervous batch. I haven’t had my hearing assaulted like this since……since the last MI auditions. I’ll say it again: some things never change.

I wished somebody would sing something really different.
Like the one on “When you’re happy and you know it, clap your hair.”

Still, it was cute to hear one of the contestants address the judges as “Honourable judges”. Now, that sure was weird. Not that I think the judges are not honourable. I’m sure they are honourable when they are not being dishonourable.

But still, please don’t say that kind of shit in an audition, all right? Oh, the guy sang the song, “She will be loved”. It wasn’t loved by the judges. It’s sayonara, kemosabe.

Didn’t seem to have many decent singers. The judges were scrapping the bottom of the barrel. I think they’re gonna get desperate real soon.

There was a brief period when Roslan and Paul were arguing over underground rock. Are they going to come to blows? Come on, come on. No, they are not. Fuck.

Almost creamed in my pants when I heard Paul said later:
“I’m going soft in my old age….I’ll say yes.”

Don’t worry, Paul. Every male goes soft in their old age.
That’s the reason why Viagra was invented.


Friday, May 27, 2005


Know Your 'Star Wars Sex Scenes' quiz

Yeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaah!!!!

Last night, I watched the Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith. That means that I have already watched all 6 episodes!

It’s now official! I’ve seen everything there is to see!

To celebrate this milestone event, I’ve prepared a special quiz for you people to test out your Star Wars knowledge. Okay…..let’s see if you really know your alien lifeforms. Before anybody starts telling me that there is no sex in the Star Wars movies, let me just say that those aliens walking around didn’t sprout from seeds on the ground.

Of course there is sex! They just didn’t show it to you. They assumed that you already know what goes on behind the scenes. Remember the famous galactic law:
“There is always sex! Always!”

Okay, on with the quiz.

Know Your 'Star Wars Sex Scenes' quiz

1. On landing on a distant planet, a Jedi is often met on arrival by a very sexy female envoy. According to Trade Federation galactic protocol, the Jedi should solemnly take her hand and say

(a) “Take me to your leader.”
(b) “Take me to your bed.”
(c) “Take me to your goat.”

2.. Jar Jar Binks is the biological result from crossing

(a) A donkey and a bunny
(b) Two donkeys and a bunny
(c) Two donkeys and a Playboy bunny

3. Darth Vader doesn’t have sex anymore because

(a) He has a respiratory problem that prevents serious sex
(b) They forgot to put in sex organs when his body was reconstructed
(c) Nobody would fuck him

4. How do Ewoks multiply?

(a) By sexual intercourse, like most animals
(b) By cellular division, like the amoeba
(c) By using a Casio calculator, like everyone else.

5. During each bout of sex, Chewbaca has a strange habit of

(a) moaning loudly
(b) roaring “Oh Ngorrrrrr!!!!! Oh Ngorrrrrrrrr!!!!!”
(c) transferring action from right hand to left

6. If robots R2D2 and C3P0 ever had sex, their offspring would look really weird like

(a) an elongated R2D2
(b) a badly stunted C3P0
(c) the Proton Juara

7. After a night of heavy drinking on the planet Tatooine, Hans Solo wakes up totally naked in a strange bed next to Jabba the Hutt’s sister. His next logical course of action should be to try

(a) stepping over her bulk to retrieve his clothes.
(b) stepping aside for Reality
(c) stepping quickly into his Podracer while naked and flee immediately.

8. According to the Trade Federation Department of Statistics, making love to Jabba the Hutt is

(a) 100% work and 0% play
(b) 0% work and 100% play
(c) 0% work, 0% play, and 100% madness

9. When running out of sexual energy during a sexual marathon, a Jedi can get extra energy by

(a) tapping the power of the Force
(b) tapping the power of alien Viagra
(c) tapping his nuts lightly with the light saber

10. A young Jedi walks into a darkened bar for some excitement and starts getting frisky with the nearest alien. In the semi-darkness, the one ‘Star Wars quote’ he really wouldn’t want to hear right now is

(a) "You will find only what you bring in."
(b) “Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.”
(c) “Luke, I am your father!”

+ + + + + + + + + +

Okay, I can think of only 10 questions. Actually I am a bit sleepy this morning. It’s a good thing that today’s Friday. So, have a good weekend, you guys!


Thursday, May 26, 2005


Congratulations to Carrie Underwood

Doesn’t anybody ever listen to me?

Didn’t I blog two weeks ago that “…..Carrie has the best chance of becoming the new American Idol..…”?

And I remember saying:
“You just can’t shake the feeling that American country and western fans are going all out to show off their voting power. Carrie can go on stage and cluck like a chicken and they will still vote for her in droves.”

If your Jedi sense had been working, you would have felt the force of the Country and Western fans.

Don’t get me wrong. I like Bo. He has a clean wholesome image. But Carrie will be huge. Far bigger than Fantasia. Brave prediction, I know. Even if she had lost to Bo, she will still end up bigger than Bo or Fantasia. Because the Country and Western market is ready for her to take it by the storm.

To newly crowned American Idol, Carrie Underwood, I offer my congratulations. Not that it’s any of my business.

Here’s another prediction: Bo has a better chance of finding success than the previous American Idol winners. Three years from now, you will know just how right I am. I can feel it in the atmosphere.

May the Force be with you.

Hold on……the Force is already with you. May you feel it.


Payday approacheth

Damn sian man. I offered to do something good for you people yesterday and nobody took me up on it yet. I checked my email and found nothing. Not to say totally nothing,….the usual spam got lah. I was so fed up that I forgot to even delete the spam.

Nothing interesting to blog today because my mind is still tired from doing too much scheming yesterday. So tired that I won’t be able to do much work in the office. Thank goodness I’m only hired for my looks. I would sure hate to disappoint them if they had hired me to do actual work.

Today’s the 26th already? Good…..that means payday is nearby.

We have a sexy chick in the office whose job is to go around and remind us to collect our payslips. Yeah, like we needed reminding.

Sometimes I get a bit enthusiastic and forget myself, and I try to collect my payslip from her twice. It’s her job to remind me that I should back off since I have already collected my quota of payslips for the month.

“What, you mean people only get one payslip a month? What kind of stupid system is this? Which idiot designed it?”

The sexy chick would smile nicely, and reply, "The boss designed it."

Then she would tell me ever so politely to come back again next month.

Don’t you just hate it when other people have more interesting jobs than you do?


Wednesday, May 25, 2005


Scamming the Ping of the Year award thingy

I’ve been thinking. I don’t do that very often. Cos thinking’s highly overrated. But when I do, the results sometimes surprise me.

After seeing the increase in blog traffic on getting booted out by my own proposer from the Neophyte of the Year Award category, my scheming mind immediately conceived of a blogwhoring stunt that is so brilliant as to be absolutely foolproof. And I am sharing it with you. Why? Because I like you. And not because I really want to corrupt you. (Okay, okay, that too!)

Let’s be honest. Every blogger does a little bit of blogwhoring now and then. You do it and I do it. But then again, I am lazy, and so, I may not be a sterling example. I’m like the Happy Hooker who’s too darn lazy to go streetwalking.

This is how we do it. The two important secret ingredients for a successful blogwhoring attempt are PANDEMONIUM and CONTROVERSY.

What you need is two other bloggers to pakat with you. One of them has to submit a nomination for the Ping of the Year for one of your articles that WAS NOT PINGED at PPS. Then the other blogger has to go to the comment board and create a big PANDEMONIUM about how your entry was not pinged and therefore has to be booted out due to disqualification. After that, wait for the CONTROVERSY to snowball and then Aizuddin from PPS has no choice but to boot you out of the category.

Then you just sit back, relax a bit, and wait for the results, which I have already mathematically calculated for you:

Pandemonium + Controversy + Booting out = Huge blog traffic increase

You do know basic mathematics, don’t you?

Wait, hold on to your horses. It gets even better!

What if Aizuddin booted you out, and after that you proved that you actually DID PING PPS for that article? Holy shit, that controversy will turn into the Mother of All Controversies! The traffic to your site will grow so huge that the server will not be able to keep up. This plan is so brilliantly simple to execute, and yet so effective.

Of course, with you being booted out of the Ping of the Year Award competition, it means that you will have no opportunity to win that free PPS T-shirt.

But why should you care? You want blog traffic or you want T-shirt? Those of you who answered “T-shirt”, go get your heads examined first by a qualified brain surgeon before coming back to read the rest of this blog, you fucking retards.

It’s not like the PPS T-shirt is ever gonna sport a butt-kicking design with a cool emblazoned tagline such as:
P.P.S. stands for “Passion Pumpin’ Sex” !
(If they do, I’ll eat the T-shirt!)

On a side note, I noticed that light saber enthusiast Chewxy has gone and nominated my post on “When Blogs die, do they go to heaven?” for the PPS Ping of the Year Award.

I want to thank Chewxy for the nomination, but we got to be realistic….that spiritual article has no mass appeal. And besides, I can’t even be sure that it was ever pinged at PPS. I’m already happy that you even read that post, okay?

Let me do something GOOD for you people instead. You’ve been listening patiently to my inane bullshit long enough. You should at least get rewarded for your humanity.

Readers who are here for the first time may want to know that I don’t put out shit. I put out bullshit. The difference between “shit” and “bullshit” is like the difference between “job” and…….uh…… “blowjob”.

Where were we? Ah, yes, I was in the process of corruptin......sorry......educating you.

Let’s say that you have already found your partners in crime and are now eyeing some kind of Ping Award thingy. (* wink wink *)

And let’s say that you wanna do something that requires me to create some PANDEMONIUM (* again wink wink *) and shoot up some CONTROVERSY (* summore wink wink *) in some Ping Award thingy comment box. All ya have to do is just let me know.

I have gathered an extensive ‘underground vocabulary’ from my misspent childhood that allows me to ream out any comment board in eight different languages. Just drop me an email, sit back, and watch the battle action. They’ll never know which WMD hit ‘em. Trust me.

And after you get booted out of the Ping of the Year category, remember to thank me when the thundering hordes start stampeding religiously to your blog to listen to your drivel divine messages.

I repeat, remember to thank me! You don’t want me to camp at your comment board daily with my ‘underground vocabulary’.


Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Shopping with a woman

During the long weekend, I accompanied Hot Babe to a One Utama Complex to see the Star Wars Episode III. We couldn’t get tickets for the movie, so we went window shopping instead.

If there is one thing that I barely tolerate doing, it’s going out shopping with a woman. We would walk into a boutique and I would find that I am the ONLY guy inside. The salesgirls would look at me gleefully with a “How can I not help you, you poor sap!” kind of look, while I tried to melt away inconspicuously into the merchandise.

And there would be all sorts of wacky conversation going on around me. Especially from women out shopping with other women.

“Does this jacket make me look fat?” asked one woman to another.

Holy shit, woman, it wasn’t the jacket that was making you look fat. It was the roti canai, the cheese cakes and a certain lack of exercise that was to blame…..definitely not the unfortunate jacket that you just stretched out of shape.

But women shoppers never blame the food or the lack of exercise. They always try to pin it on the clothes. This mindless display of ignorance would make a lesser Jedi want to zap them with a light saber. But I am made of sterner stuff.

“This sweater makes my tummy bulge lah.”

Oh come on! Gimme a break, will ya! The poor sweater has nothing to do with it! What made your tummy bulge was the all-you-can-eat buffet hi-tea still partially digested inside. And if you can find a sweater that can make a body part bulge, I’d gladly buy it off you and wrap it around my dick. Because a bulge-inducing miracle sweater is just what I need to catapult me into the ranks of those successful porn stars.

Occasionally, there would also be a few other guys in the boutique, and all of us would hang around trying to get out of the way of the busy females. There is a sort of unspoken camaraderie amongst us. A ‘band of brothers’, so to speak. I would telepathically send them messages like :

“What was the stupid excuse that you gave that couldn’t get you out of this?”

Usually, I would get no reply. Only embarrassed silence.

There was one occasion when I thought I caught a telepathic reply back from a harassed looking guy:

“I tried to say “Not today, darling, I got a headache!” but it didn’t work!”

Now that was really stupid. That sort of excuse is meant to be used by women only. And in a different type of situation.


Monday, May 23, 2005


Live proceedings on the internet

I just spent the day babysitting my niece. Cute kid. So energetic. I’m tuckered out. And she has this annoying habit of trying to put everything inside her mouth. So much so that I can’t believe we’re related.

I’m so glad that it was reported today that parliament proceedings are to be aired live on the internet.

Cos I so tired of taking my niece to the zoo.

It would be nice to watch the proceedings live. There are always some elected idiots stupid enough to make unintelligible comments on MAS air stewardesses, marriage, or some other female-related matter. Especially on a female-related matter. You got to admire these idiots for the ability to breathe without the use of brains. A lesser animal would have just laid down and died.

The wise words of a minister still rings through my mind:
“It is better to keep quiet and let others think you are stupid, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”

It looks like I don’t have to take my niece to the zoo anymore. And shouting:

“Look! Look! Monkey! Monkey!”

That shit is finally over.

Now, in the comfort of my living room, I can just log onto the internet, go to the appropriate website to look at the proceedings and shout:

“Look! Look! Moron! Moron!”

My niece is smart. She also has a nasty habit of questioning my judgment.

“How do you know that he’s a moron, uncle?”

I have a ready answer to that:

“Cos he’s moving his lips!”

Okay, that’s so low. Not to mention mean. I’m sure you think that I have a much more nobler character than that. (Actually you don’t, but we’ll let it slide.)

Hey, do you really think that I’m the kind of person who gives an audited shit about what others think about my character?

Waitaminit. Actually, I do care about what my little niece thinks. After all, I’m her favorite uncle. Dammit, that ought to count for something.

So, okay, I’ll just rephrase:

“Cos he’s moving his lips AND removing all doubt.”


Sunday, May 22, 2005


Listen to the gahmen lah, Oi!

Well, after Saturday’s posting, we did establish one fact: no neophyte nymphets come here. What a pathetic state of affairs.

I am devastated. Very devastated.

But life has to go on. I must be brave.

Cos the gahmen depends on me for moral support.

I see that the gahmen is using my tax money to pandai pandai help smokers to quit smoking. But the response was so lousy that I think the gahmen may give up the fight before the smokers give up the light.

Why like that?

Cos nobody listens to the gahmen.

The gahmen is concerned for our health. Really! They don’t want us to die so fast. If we die, who is going to pay the taxes to keep the economy going? Health is important mah. So is the economy.

But nobody listens to the gahmen.

What’s the whole point of trying to save the lives of the taxpayers if every taxpayer dies until there are no more taxpayers left to pay taxes to fund the efforts to save the lives of the taxpayers? I am sure there is some logic in this sentence although I am not sure what it is. Let’s quickly move on.

During the past few months, there has been so much controversy about dog and cat licensing. Everybody fighting like cat and dog summore. The gahmen wants us to spay and neuter our pets. So they don’t simply multiply. But what happened? I hear the cats wailing their mating calls “Mahu! Mahu! Mahu! ” all night. Chia lat man……how to sleep?

And in the daytime, I also see many dogs very busy fucking by the roadside like got no tomorrow. Whatever happened to “spay and neuter”?

No, everybody talks, but nobody wants to listen to the gahmen.

You got remember the case of the old man with the ducks and goats? That one too much leh. I didn’t dare buy duck meat and mutton after that. But acherly, hor, the gahmen never said that the ducks and goats cannot……okay, okay, I dunno wut the gahmen never said. Nemind. This one not appropriate example. Let’s move on to the next one.

The gahmen says that motorcyclists must wear crash helmets. So as to protect the brain, which is very important. You think anybody got listen or not? Crash helmet so cheap, but they doan wan to buy. Everybody say that they cannot live without money…….but can live without brains.

See? Even brainless people don’t listen to the gahmen.

Just now, hor, while driving along a 60 kph zone, I see cars overtaking me left and right. Hooiyoh, everybody was doing like 90 kph there. Even some old cars so condemn already also go faster than me. So terror, man.

You know what I think?

I think only I listen to the gahmen.


Saturday, May 21, 2005


Unexpected benefits

Ever since I got booted out of the Neophyte category, I noticed that traffic to this blog has skyrocketed up. Wow! If I had known about this effect earlier, I would have gotten myself booted out from a few more categories.

I think I am getting sympathy visits from the other neophyte bloggers. Many of them come here and read three, four pages at one go.
Sussing me out is it?
Checking to see if I am neophyte or not, is it?

A big thank you goes out to Suanie, who must have thought that ‘Neophyte’ means ‘Nymphet’.

Hey, although a neophyte I may not be, I am definitely a nymphet.And among the many neophytes visiting this blog, some of them may also be nymphets. Okay, if you are both a neophyte and a nymphet, please raise your right hand!

Okay, scratch that…..I won’t be able to see you raising your right hand.

Just give me a shout in the comment box instead. We nymphets of a feather really have to stick together.


Cos we are nymphets
We stick like limpets.

How do you like that……we not only stick, we also rhyme.

But seriously, if you are a neophyte nymphet, some of my regulars here, like Mossie, Ryuu. and Yuen Li would like to meet you.

Okay, let’s be really serious for a moment. I’ve been blog hopping and reading a lot of emotional comments saying that blog awards do not mean that the blog is good etc etc etc.

To the true blogger, awards do not mean a thing. The satisfaction of writing ‘a fantastic piece’ should be reward enough.

How do you define ‘a fantastic piece’?

That depends on the person. If you are a software publisher, one million downloads would be fantastic. If you were Microsoft, that wouldn’t be enough.

I am not so ambitious, so my numbers are much more modest. Way down modest.
I will consider an article I write to be wildly successful if it has reached the eyes of twenty thousand people by my crude estimates. Whether through email or through other peoples’ blogs and forums, I don’t particularly care. See? I set my own standards, and if they are fulfilled, I am happy. So far, only 2 articles out of almost 400 posts have met the criteria. But when it happens, I get an orgasm. And I moan “Yes…oh yesssss……!!!”

2 out of 400 may seem like a poor rate of return to get an orgasm, but bloggers will be bloggers.

Okay, it’s Saturday night. I’m going out now. Have a happy weekend!


Friday, May 20, 2005


The wrong way to blog

It does look like I am unable to ignore this anymore. I am referring to the nominations I received for PPS BlogOfTheYear (nominated by 5xMom, ChewXy and Suanie). My heartfelt thanks go to these 3 people for thinking so highly of this blog, and also to Lucia before she withdrew her nomination(and then nominated back again).

Note that my feelings about ‘awards’ events are nonchalant at best. For some strange oddball reason, ‘award season’ tend to bring out the worst in bloggers and people start arguing about which blog is deserving and which blog is not. During which time, blogging quality goes down the drain. I’m hoping that this does not happen to PPS.

Look, the world will not stop rotating if a blogger did not get nominated, or if a favourite blogger did get nominated but did not win. Tell you what….if it did indeed stop rotating, I’ll just give it a kickstart from here so that it’ll continue spinning and everybody can get back to their lives once again.

But I did get a tremendously big laugh over what Suanie did.

Suanie tried to enter me for the NeophyteBlogOfTheYear category. Holy shit, me a neophyte? I bet Aizuddin found out about it and booted me out of there in a hurry! I had always suspected that Suanie was stark raving mad. This confirms it! That nomination kept me laughing and laughing for hours on end. Suanie, being Suanie, will do things her own way, I guess! Hey, rules are meant to be followed, not broken! Somebody, control that woman, and fast! I could not stop laughing even while driving home.

If you want my personal opinion on this, nobody can claim to be the best Blog except Screenshots. I don’t read his blog often because local politics do not interest me that much, but still I have to recognize the fact that Screenshots is miles ahead of every other local blogger.

I would have continued ignoring the whole affair except for one thing: many neophyte bloggers are now visiting this blog out of curiosity because of the nominations. They must be thinking that I am doing everything right to garner the nominations.

Nothing could be further from the truth, so in the interests of the local blogging community, I am going to set the record straight!

The next part of this post is meant for neophyte bloggers.

I have committed every major sin in blogging. The way I blog is not the correct way to do things. And yeah, I have my usual excuses which you should not follow. In other words, follow what I say, not what I do.

If you are a new blogger, here’s how to do it right.

1) Tell people your email address.
This is important. Readers must be able to contact you so that they can invite you to blogger meetings or sex orgies. That way, you get to latch onto a popular team of bloggers. Or an exciting group of sexual athletes. Either one is good. The latter is especially good!
But, say you are not into socializing or sex…...the email is still useful to your readers who may want to send you pointers and news tidbits for future postings. Make sure that your email address is displayed prominently on your blog.

What’s my excuse: The reason you won’t find my email address here is because I seldom check my email.

2) Join forums and online communities
Forums are the best ways for garnering traffic. For instance, last year, some stranger posted one of my old articles in a forum with a link to my post. That article link is already more than a year old but it is still sending me traffic every day. Imagine what could have been achieved if I had 100 links from that forum. You need to go to the big popular forums and sprinkle your URL there like salt and pepper at every fucking opportunity. If there are no opportunities, make a bloody nuisance of yourself and create some! Believe me, it works!

What’s my excuse: Forums are very time consuming. People discuss one important topic and then they fly off at a tangent to discuss 10 other unrelated side topics. If you have been reading my postings, then you know that I tend to get distracted easily. So no….no forums for me…..or distraction will become a habit.

3) Leave your URL when you comment in other people’s blogs.
This is logical. When you leave your URL, people will be able to click on the link to find out who is this heaven-sent genius making all those asinine comments. Or they could click the link by pure mistake and before they know it, they are already at your blog reading your shit. Voila! Misguided traffic, but still traffic nevertheless!

What’s my excuse: Typing in the URL each time I want to make a comment is a real pain in the ass. Especially if my message is short, like ‘LOL’ or ‘Haha’, and the URL ‘http://viewtru.blogspot.com/’ takes so much longer to type out. But I love Halsocan, ‘cos it remembers my URL and saves me from typing.

4) RSS feeds
I’ve been told that RSS feeds are very useful tools. And every good blogger makes use of them. But I don’t put out RSS feeds because, quite honestly, I don’t know what the fuck they are. Except that they stand for ‘Really Simple Shit’.

What’s my excuse: I don’t have time to find out what RSS feeds are all about because in real life, I’m a busy person and any available time is spent on blogging. I have a choice of either using my limited time to learn something useful, or write some more inane bullshit. The mental automatic compass chose the latter.

5) Ping Project Petaling Street
Traffic automatically goes up if you ping PPS. This is one of the best services available to Malaysian bloggers. Aiz runs this blogtal which I would consider the first step for new bloggers to garner traffic If you want more hits, then you gonna have to ping PPS every single day, and I mean, EVERY single day.

What’s my excuse: I’m ashamed to say that I ping only about 3 times a month. I can’t help it if I can only remember my PPS password about 3 times a month, can I?

Alright. I do admit that some of the excuses are rather lame. That’s why they are ‘excuses’ and not ‘reasons’.

Here are two things which I think I did right:

(1) Blog for enjoyment
I enjoy putting out bullshit disguised as social commentary because society is all bullshit anyway.

(2) Please see no.(1) again. Hahahahaha!!!


Thursday, May 19, 2005


Late breaking A.I. news

The voters have spoken! The American Idol finals is now between Bo and Carrie. Just as I had predicted in someone else's blog! (I scare myself at times.)

This is now a battle between rock fans and country-and-western fans. A battle between the Liberal Left and the Conservative Right. The outcome will depend on which side has the deeper pockets.


Dude, where is my million ringgit?

The talk of the town is about how easy it is for a person to have assets of 34 million.

I’m pissed off. Fucking pissed off. That a senior police officer can accumulate assets of RM34m while I am still waiting to make my first million. I had long suspected that our system was full of crap, but did not expect it to be confirmed in this manner.

Look, I have no problems with other people getting richer. But I do have an issue with an unjust system that allows other people to enrich themselves without offering me some.

I’m hopping mad. Mad enough to want to implode and drag the whole universe along with me. You don’t want that to happen, trust me.

You’d think that with that much spare cash floating around, some of it would have found their way to me. Dude, it’s enough to make an honest hardworking guy like me lose faith in the system. I’m not even asking for 34 million. I’m not greedy, so just a couple of million or so should be enough. Was it that difficult to hand me a million or two?

Let me just tell you that I deserve to be rich. I pay my taxes regularly and I don’t do drugs. I throw my rubbish in the litter bins and I usually stop at red lights. And I don’t pee by the side of the road.

So dude, where is my million ringgit?

Don’t think that I am not willing to be cooperative. ‘Cos I am. I even wrote a very nice letter of application to become a crony. And ended it very politely with a “Majulah Crony Untuk Negara”. I didn’t get an answer from the dipshits.

Hey dude, where is my million ringgit?

And don’t say I haven’t done my share. Cos I have. I design bridges in my spare time. I put out T-shirt designs freely on the web. I provide decent explanations to shed light on many untold mysteries of the world. People come here to receive the proper enlightenment that they can’t get elsewhere. Yep, I’ve done my share alright.

Come on dude, where is my million ringgit?

Don’t even dare think that I am too ugly to have money. I am good looking and I know it. I take good care of my mind and body. I eat right and I exercise often. I’ll still be able to do pushups when I am 60.

Let me ask you again dude, where is my million ringgit?

And if you are thinking that I am too honest a person to hang on to my million, think again. I’m not that honest. I was bullshitting when I said that I don’t pee by the side of the road.

Once again dude, where is my million ringgit?


Wednesday, May 18, 2005


Famous sports brands

Have you ever made a comment in somebody's blog, and for some odd reason, that comment has stayed on inside your head? Like it has no where else to go?

For some unfathomable reason, one comment which I typed in somebody's blog last year kept running in my head. I did not write the comment down at that time, but it has stayed in my memory for months.

I have made the strange observation that the things I write down, I don't remember. But the things I don't write down, I sometimes remember. Doesn't the brain know that the reason I write down a thing is because I may actually want to remember it? Hello, brain, I'm talking to you.

Okay, let's not get sidetracked here. I had gone blog hopping and came across a blogger posting some poetry, so I took the opportunity to post this comment:

"In honour of your poetic post
I took a red felt marker.
And wrote these letters on my dick
That you would read as "Su-cker".
But when I get fully erect
It reads "Superior Fucker".

I never did try to find out how many letters I could cram on my dick. That little poetic effort was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, and was actually inspired by the famous Adidas joke, where the athlete had the letters 'Aids' tatooed on his dick. However, when he was fully erect, the letters actually read 'Adidas'.

Damn, why would anybody want to tattoo something like that on his dick?

If I were to tattoo any sports brand on my dick, I would want it to be 'Nike". Definitely. Bagus 'ni brand. And it's not just because it sounds like 'Naik'. Okay, that too.


Tuesday, May 17, 2005


New Causeway design with jamban

I am excited. The Cabinet is going to decide on the new causeway design soon.

You may remember that in February last year, my new Revolutionary Causeway design was rejected for what I call unreasonable reasons. At first I thought that it was because of the roller-coaster inspired loop feature.

On further analysis, I think our wise leaders were very prudent in rejecting my design. Not many people will be willing to admit their mistakes but I, Viewtru, am the most humble person on earth. If I had made an error then I freely admit that I had made an error. Damn, this humility kink is not making me look good.

So, after some thinking during lunchtime, I came to realize that my causeway did not have toilet facilities. Man, that was an terrible oversight on my part. Please forgive me.

So....tadaa....I now unveil the new and much improved causeway design.

Why did I not think that people need a jamban on the Causeway before?

Let me explain:

At first, I assumed that after going through the 'roller-coaster' loop, people would not need to go to the toilet. The technical term for this is “scared shitless”. What is there left to shit if you are already shitless?

However, I forgot about the segment of the population who react the opposite way. For some mysterious reason, there are actually people who tend to shit more when they are scared. The Singaporeans have a technical term for it. They call it “nkia ka lau sai”. It’s hard to translate, but it means something equivalent to “shit in their pants”.

Hopefully, with this much improved version, the leaders would look at my design favourably. Maybe I can even become a millionaire.

In terms of additional costs, I think this toilet feature will be able to pay for itself. We just need to put in a few sewage pipes and then we can sell the sewage products to Singapore. They need to use it to make their Newater.

* Latest update: *
In the comments section,
Janus, asked me to consider making the jamban in the middle of the loop. Since this involves some highly complex technical details which are too lengthy for the comments section, I feel that it is more professional to post my answer here for the general interests of the taxpaying public.

I did originally think of trying to put the jamban in the middle of the loop. Except that I could not solve one very serious technical problem. When the people are at the middle(top) of the loop, they will actually be upside down.
Scientists believe that it is quite impossible to shit upside down.
Because of a thing call The Law of Gravity.
If you try to shit upside down, gravity causes the shit to fall back inside your ass again.
Do not try this at home.


* Another emergency update *
Cmos brought out the question that if you drive fast enough along the loop, is the centrifugal force strong enough to whisk the shit off the ass while shitting upside down? Since this is yet another highly technical question, I have to post my solution here rather than in the comments section.

If you had been paying attention in school, you would know that the centrifugal force has to be equal to the gravitational force for the shit to leave the ass, while shitting in an upside down position.

mV² /R= mg

The mass of the shit ‘m’, can be cancelled out on both sides of the equation, leaving

V² /R= g

This implies that it does NOT matter if you are a light shitter or heavy shitter. The mass of the shit does not figure in the equation any more. Which is good news to those who have very heavy shit.

Assuming that the loop is 10 storey high, we can take the radius R of the loop as 15 metres. Take the value of g as 9.81 m/s²
So, calculating again,

V ² /15= 9.81

V = 12.13 m/s

Converting to kilometres per hour, this works out to be 43.7 kph. Not a very high speed for a driver.

But consider this: if you were to shit while driving, you would get shit flying about inside your car. The only way to avoid this is to shit with your ass sticking out of the window.

Now I ask you. While driving with your ass sticking out of the car window, and going faster than 43.7 kph, and you being in an upside down position, can you still shit and steer at the same time? I think not!

Do not try this at home.



Monday, May 16, 2005


Meme post

I got tagged by Gina for this meme game. I am to select 5 professions from her list of professions, and then finish each phrase with what I would do as a member of that profession.

Here’s my selection:

If I could be a painter,
If I could be a scientist,
If I could be a musician,
If I could be a missionary,
If I could be a llama-rider,

And my answers are:

If I could be a painter, I would paint ‘nekkid wimmin’ using my hands as brushes. I would move my hands in smooth flowing strokes, covering every square inch, while the women moan in ecstatic appreciation of my art as I apply the body paint on them.

If I could be a scientist, I would invent Industrial–strength Viagra, so that while I am painting ‘nekkid wimmin’, I would have a hard protrusion conveniently within reach.......to hang the pots of body paint.

If I could be a musician, I would teach ‘nekkid wimmin’ how to play the organ. It gives them something interesting to do while I am busy painting them.

If I could be a missionary, I would redesign the ‘missionary position’ so that the organ can also have something interesting to do while I am busy painting ‘nekkid wimmin’.

If I could be a llama-rider, I would ride llama all night until exhaustion. Oh heck…..somebody pointed out to me that ‘llama’ is not the same as ‘liama’. In that case, I am so sorry for having such naughty thoughts about your mother. I guess, I will just have to find something else to do........such as painting ‘nekkid wimmin' again.

I’m tagging Mossie, Yoda, and my previous Moral Education teacher.

I forgot......did I ever had a Moral Education teacher?


Friday, May 13, 2005


Country and western song concepts

Watching American Idol on 8TV is like watching a slow-motion replay of a goal being scored. We know the result already, but we still watch it all the same.

In tonight’s American Idol, Malaysian viewers will hear Bo, Carrie, Vonzell and Anthony slog it out. Then after that, if you people behave yourselves decently and not thrash the sofa you were sitting on, you will also get to see the boyband runaway, Anthony, getting voted off.

I am not going to comment on the singing here. That’s because it is not really my concern how well they performed, since I am not allowed to vote. But of course, you should know that I will not let an insignificant teeny weeny fact like that stop me.

However, I am still unable to comment on the singing now since I will only be watching it tonight on 8TV. Yeah, I allowed that little fact to stop me. Sorry. It won’t happen again.

Of the three remaining contestants, I would say that Carrie has the best chance of becoming the new American Idol. And it is due to one thing: the battle of the fans. You just can’t shake the feeling that American country and western fans are going all out to show off their voting power. Carrie can go on stage and cluck like a chicken and they will still vote for her in droves.

Frankly, I do not understand country and western song concepts myself. These songs usually have nasty themes like your girl leaving you or your cow leaving you. But oddly enough, they don’t have themes about your ducks and goats leaving you. It’s probably a cultural thing.

And sometimes they have happy themes such as your girl coming back. But I have never heard a country and western song about anybody’s cow coming back. Like I said, I don’t understand these concepts.

Weekend’s coming up guys. Go and have fun.

And another thing: leave those ducks and goats alone.


Thursday, May 12, 2005


Goodbye to my Iraqi friend

My Iraqi friend has left the country. I do not know whether I should still keep the links to Iraqi blogs on my right sidebar. (Iraqi bloggers have not been updating much because there seem to be nothing much going on compared to previously.) But I generally need to psyche myself up before making any blog template changes.

The insurgents in Iraq seem to be making most of the news. But frankly, they are already doomed. It’s just a matter of time before they turn into more like a nuisance factor than a real insurgent force.

It takes a lot of money to fight battles today. Fighters need to be clothed, fed, sheltered, and also, munitions cost money. Even if the average cost per fighter is only 10,000 USD a year, a force of 20,000 fighters will require a yearly budget of 200 million USD. Saddam left enough supplies and money for the insurgents to fight a few more years, but after that, they are on their own.

History tells us that only 3 entities in this world have the capability of supporting an insurgent force to victory. Without the help of any of these 3 entities, the insurgent forces are doomed, and forced to operate at the fringes without any real hope of success. And these three entities have to have far greater resources than, say, Britain or China.

One such entity is Russia. It poured in arms and money into Vietnam to ensure the defeat of the Americans. The logistics of the operation were so great that they could not bring in all the supplies by Russian ships, but had to use a railway line through China to Vietnam. Only an insurgent force with outrageous support can win a war against the government of the day. The resources required are so demanding that only 3 entities of the world are capable of providing this ‘outrageous support’. And none of them are supporting the Iraqi insurgents.

Although the Iraqi insurgency is certainly doomed, it is not without its uses. The insurgency keeps the rest of Iraq united. It makes people willing to compromise for the greater good. This compromising attitude is not often found in Middle Eastern people, so maybe a few years of insurgency will do them good. Ooops, that was a most insensitive thing to say. My apologies to the Iraqi people for that statement. But it needed to be said.

My Iraqi friend loved our country, our food and our people. He thought that everything was wonderful here and if he could get a P.R., he would stay here. But before he left, he asked why some of the people here can be so insensitive as to wear Saddam T-shirts. Don’t we know about their painful life under Saddam? I explained to him that Iraq is far away, and so we don’t really know about the actual situation there. That was best explanation I could come up with.

Goodbye my friend. It was nice knowing you. I wish you and your people happy days ahead.


Wednesday, May 11, 2005


Gender Equality news

Good morning. We now bring you the “News in brief”.

It has been announced that all laws and regulations that are discriminatory to women are to be amended to reflect our new policy of gender equality. Get use to it.

All of you guys doing it on top better rethink your position. From now on, you have to let the girls get on top every now and then. That’s the law. If you don’t like it, then you will have to do it sideways. That may not be as much fun. But frankly, the law does not care about your fun.

Here’s some celebrity news. A film actress has been charged with hitting another woman with a shoe. Both females had been arguing over a man when the assault occurred.

In olden days, it used to be men assaulting each other over a woman. Now, the shoe is on the other foot. This has been mooted as a possible indicator of the advancement of women in society. Shoe manufacturers have rushed to incorporate new aggressive features in their designs.

Lawyers are uncertain how the new gender equality laws will affect the case. But it is widely speculated that in order not to be accused of being gender biased, the actress has to take the shoe and whack the man also. Don’t argue with the gender equality laws.

And now for some local entertainment news. The “Sepet’ director is starting production on a new film. It’s a story about love between a Chinese VCD peddlar and a Malay girl. Under the new gender equality laws, it is widely expected that the girl will get the role of the VCD peddler this time.

This has been the News in brief.


Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Morning pun

I sometimes listen to the radio in the morning. You do hear a lot of odd things over the air waves sometimes. And I frequently hear this message being played:

“.......this has been the Sports Update.......brought to you by Kacip Fatimah Orang Kampong.......for women on the go.......”

“Go”? Did he say “go”?

Now, don’t try to bluff bluff me. I may not be the undisputed authority on the traditional sex herbs, but I do know what kacip fatima is used for.

Women take kacip fatima not because they want to go, but because they want to come.


Monday, May 09, 2005


Yoda auditions for Malaysian Idol

My apologies to true die-hard Star Wars fans for this little irreverent piece.

Yoda : Fed up is Yoda. Latest Star Wars movie about to hit town. But the people, they care not! Massive promotion, there is not! Movie mania, there is not! Media frenzy, there is not!

* Taking matters in his own hands, Yoda walked into Berjaya Times Square. By some mysterious quirk of events, he wandered into the room where the Malaysian Idol auditions were taking place. Malaysian Idol judges Roslan, Fauziah and Paul did not seem impressed by his appearance. *

Paul : What is your name?

Yoda : Yoda.

Roslan : We need your full name.

Yoda : Yoda Kickbutt, it is. Jedi master, I am.

Fauziah : Okay Yoda, what are you going to sing for us?

Yoda : Tell everybody about movie, I must. New movie ‘Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith’, you go. Awesome it is. Watch it, you should.

Paul : Is what, you talk…….sorry, what are you talking about?

Yoda : ‘Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith’

Roslan : That’s a very long title. Don’t believe I have heard that song before.

Fauziah : Yeah, me neither. Is it very old?

Yoda : No, new movie, it is.

Paul : No, no! We mean the song.

Yoda : What song?

Fauziah : The song you are going to sing for us.

Yoda : Advertise Star Wars Episode III, I do. Sing I need not!

Roslan : Yes you do! Everybody who walks into this room has to sing for us!

Yoda : Full of shit, you are.

Paul : We are Malaysian Idol judges. We are allowed to be full of shit.

Yoda : Sing, I shall not!

Fauziah : Are your afraid? Don’t worry, there’s nothing to fear.

Yoda : Fear? Know what you of fear? Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Sing, I shall.

Roslan : Good. We’re waiting, and we ain’t got all day.

* Yoda glared at the 3 Malaysian Idol judges, and cleared his throat.
Halfway across the galaxy, Obi Wan Kenobi paused in his aerobics dancing lesson and was heard to mutter,
“I feel a disturbance in the Force.”

Yoda : * sings *
“Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must
Star Wars Episode III, watch you must……”

Paul : Oi! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Roslan : That was simply boring. A song sung entirely in E flat monotone is definitely a bad song choice.

Fauziah : For a monotonal song, your singing was a little bit pitchy. And your clothes is kurang sesuai lah. I’m going to have to report you to the fashion police.

Paul : Fuck it, man. That was horrible, incredibly horrible.

* Without saying a word, Yoda took out his light sabre and turned it on full force.


The awesome power of the blade reverberated around the room and send shivers down the spines of the judges.

Roslan : That was a great rendition! You picked the right song! You came here to win!

Fauziah : May I congratulate you on your good fashion sense! A star is born!

Paul : Brilliant, man, simply brilliant! We’re sending you through to the next round!

Yoda : Wait, Another song, I have!

Fauziah : What? You don’t say!

Yoda : “Can You Feel The Loaf Tonight” it is. Elton John hit, it is. From “Lion Kink”.

Paul : No, no, you mustn’t sing!

Yoda : * sings *
“There's a calm surrender, to the rush of day
When the call of the roti man, can't be turned away
Two ringgit in my pocket, and it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior just to eat with you
And can you feel the loaf tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this bug-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the loaf tonight
Which you now digest
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Shit out the very best.”

* Yoda walked out, satisfied that he had promoted the movie well enough.
Paul was frozen in shock.
Roslan barfed over his pants.
It took about an hour to revive Fauziah.

+ + + + + + + + +

Note from Viewtru to all:

Please remember to catch Star Wars Episode III.

If you have time, and if there’s nothing else on the other channels, and if you’re too lazy to switch off the TV, please watch the coming Malaysian Idol show as well.


Friday, May 06, 2005


Famous last words

Since I have some access to Photoshop, today's posting will be on the category "Famous last words in the Animal Kingdom".

I've often wondered what animals think about. Mostly food, I guess.


Thursday, May 05, 2005


Cyberworld contributions

Commentators max, belacan and lucia have reminded me of an unsolved mystery: the response of the public to Ms Lai Ma.

When I first started publishing the 5Star, it was meant to be a sort of protest against the stale reporting of our local newspapers. For the 5Star, I created 4 characters:

Kong Si Mi – junior reporter to find out what people are saying
Seh Sum Moh – reporter to get people to say some more
Dick Tomatoski – ace investigative reporter to do investigative reporting
Ms Lai Ma – 5Star columnist to answer letters

Ms Lai Ma was supposed to be a side act only, a filler to be used when I don’t have anything strong to publish in the 5Star. Thus it was quite a huge surprise to me that she found fame and glory faster than the rest. How can a side act overtake the main acts?

If you were to ask me to pick what I think my most enjoyable articles are, I would pick the following:

1) Chin Tu Lan blogging the Olympics(Aug 25-27, 2004)
2) Shakespearean plays(Jan 10 and Oct 28, 2004)
3) Number One Kicks Ass(Aug 17, 2004)

I cannot decide on number 4) and 5) yet, but they are definitely not any of the 5Star articles.

The popular response to Ms Lai Ma is quite a mystery to me. The ‘Dear Lai Ma on Sex in Kancil’ article has been found in a number of forums and other peoples’ webpages. But it is through the email system that I believe most people read them. The day the article was posted, it was already making its rounds by email through town. If I were to estimate, I would say that the article has been read by more than twenty thousand people. Not bad for a side act.

A number of my other articles have also been circulating through the email. People visiting this blog would have noticed that if my readers post my articles somewhere else, I do not require that they put a link to me. My attitude is, “Take what you want.”

This is because of two things:

Firstly, I can never be sure that my articles are totally unique, so I am not going to adopt a ‘copyright’ stance. No matter how I try to be original in my postings, it is not always possible. Any unique idea I may get, has probably been thought of already by somebody in Greenland. Or Hungary. Or Africa. By a green, hungry African.

Secondly, I like the idea of the web being free. I use a lot of freeware without acknowledging the authors. I download other stuff too. I have taken much knowledge from the web without even giving credit to the efforts of the authors. So I guess it is only fair that people take my posted articles freely as well. Consider this as my way of contributing back to the cyber world.


Wednesday, May 04, 2005


The 5Star IT section

I never seem to get tired of telling people that the 5Star is a much better paper than the lousy dipshit one star competitor. That’s not just because we are free. But more because our news may actually be 5 times better.

Today, the 5star presents the I.T. news.


China's largest computer company, the Lenovo Group Ltd, has acquired IBM's personal computer business. IBM employees have already started calling their IBM computers by the new Chinese name: “Lei Lou Mou”.

In all future I.T. exhibitions, IBM employees are planning to hang huge banners with the words “Lei Lou Mou” right in front of rival Dell Computer’s exhibition booths.

Stung by this recent development, Dell Computer is desperately trying to work a deal with another Chinese company, Tiunasing Group Ltd.

The impeding face-off between Lei Lou Mou and Tiunasing has given Apple Computer executives sleepless nights. It is feared that such uncontrolled rivalry will only serve to drive down computer prices. In the face of such keen competition, Apple has decided to hold talks with a new upcoming computer company from the Fukien province of China. It is believed that the Fukien company in question is called Longchongkheehorlangkan Computers Ltd.

Banner makers are expecting a thriving business this year.

* * * * *

lei lou mou = your mother
tiunasing = f**k your something
longchongkheehorlangkan = everybody, go get yourself f**ked


Tuesday, May 03, 2005


The loose morals of ducks and goats

I don't have time to read the papers during weekdays. For the long weekend, I managed to catch up on my reading of the news. Yeah, even I need to keep abreast of current affairs.

Congratulations to dangdut queen, Inul Daratista, for a successful concert in this country. The whole country would have been totally embarassed if the protestors had managed to disrupt her performance.

By the way, having sex with animals is unhealthy.
A man who has sex with ducks and goats is called an "animal fucker".

This news story last week also caught my eye.

To quote the article:

"There, they saw the man committing “the act” with the kid
(kid means 'young goat'), which was barely a few weeks old.
The villagers confronted the man, who was then naked, but he denied any wrongdoing. He claimed that he was taking a bath at the pond.
Not satisfied with the explanation, the villagers picked up the kid, which had already died, and brought it to the police station."

Philosophical question: whose fault is it when an animal gets raped?

I am half expecting some Pathetic And Shameless mental dipshits to go around distributing flyers that say:

"The way that the duck walks incites lust. Its tail undulates from left to right and then left again. Oooooooooh! What honourable man can withstand such temptation? If that immoral duck does not want to invite rape, then it should not be naked. It is the victim's fault. All ducks should wear clothes, and be properly covered up. And the goats....well......they have hair all over their body. And you know that body hair incites lust in men. Again, we can only blame the immoral victims. If the goat does not enjoy getting raped, then it should request the farmer for a body shave."

No one knows where the shameless dipshits will go to distribute their obscene flyers. But it will probably be in a place where they can peep at some ducks. Or ogle some goats.

I have flushed and flushed, and still there are some fucking idiots remaining who try to make earth a living hell for everybody. Gotta keep on flushing till the idiots disappear for good. Work with me here.

Weather outlook today: Good. Snow is not expected.


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