Stepping aside for Reality

You are probably familiar by now with my theory that this planet is a large human farm seeded by aliens. If you still don’t know that, well, you need not kill yourself yet, but you should at the very least hide your face in so much shame.

There are times when I wonder when the violence in the middle east will end. I know that it won’t be anytime soon. We are talking about arabs here, and societies historically characterized by self-destructive behaviors. You may recall that I once blogged that the insurgency in Iraq could take half a generation to end. Lebanon, Iraq and Palestine , among the middle east countries, have the fairest elections. Yet they are practically having a civil war. This cannot be a coincidence. I do not know what the aliens are up to, but they are definitely up to something. Some kind of restructuring perhaps. The fact is that arabs are dying at a faster pace than the rest of the world and this will be the trend for a lot of years to come.

Although many people point the finger at George Bush for the Iraq war, they tend to be ignorant of the fact that Bush is not the most powerful human on earth. No matter who the American president was, the war would still have happened. There is a shadowy group that holds global power on behalf of the aliens, and they decide where the major wars are going to be. They bankrolled the American Civil War one and a half centuries ago, they financed the Russian Revolution(yes, the communists borrowed money from capitalist sources) in the last century and I am sure they had a hand in all the major human culling events.

Think of chickens. You can’t run a chicken farm without killing some chickens.

When the Iraq war happened in 2003, I remembered asking myself why the aliens would want a war there, since it would only serve to tighten up oil supplies. The answer became obvious; the purpose of the Iraq war was to raise the price of oil. This is a case of Applied Human Farm Management 101. Only when the price of oil goes up will people take conservation seriously and stop buying gas guzzling SUVs. It even had an effect on me; I have stopped travelling above 90 kph to conserve fuel. Sure, I can afford the fuel, but I don’t think it is moral to burn petrol needlessly by speeding. It would have been disastrous for the planet if the price of oil had remained at USD30 per barrel. The Iraq war was a necessity.

There has been a lot of talk about terrorism and muslim militancy in recent years. But if you examine what is happening very closely, you will notice that it is mostly muslims getting killed by other muslims. It is happening so often that it has stopped being a coincidence. For some odd reason, there is a serious upheaval in the muslim sector in the world and I don’t think it will be stopping anytime soon. Even natural disasters such as tsunamis and earthquakes seem to target them. Still think those are coincidences? I think not. When farm animals die in droves, it is because of disease or because the farmer wants them to die. But when there are no diseases involved, then all fingers point to the farmer.

But why are the aliens doing all this? Is it to weed out excess farm stocks and to speed up the pace of human evolution?

This gives rise to yet another question; why would aliens need to see a faster pace of human evolution? They have all the time in the world since they are robots and obviously can’t die. The only answer I can think of is a worrying one. Another malevolent biological lifeform could be heading our way from another galaxy and the aliens need to get us ready by then. They are in a race against time. Human evolution will be further speeded up. You people better get ready for a roller coaster ride. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

“Wash and Blow RM8”.

That was what the signage said as I was passing outside a shoplot on Sunday.

That’s cheap. Dirt cheap.

Two pretty chicks in the shoplot were eyeing me expectantly as I read the sign. However, I was with Hot Babe at that time so I did not think that it would be wise to check things out. A guy can get into trouble for thinking wrong things at the wrong time.

Seriously, RM8 is damn affordable.

I do not know what the current rate is for a good blowjob, but I reckon that washing your thang alone should be worth RM7.99 at least.

One American Idol aspirant in Memphis claimed to be a story writer, and he left Simon Cowell flabbergasted when he gave his unusual reply as to how his current story part ended. LOL! So, if you ask me how my upcoming wuxia story will end, I may just be tempted to answer, “With a full stop.”

My wuxia story won’t be taking shape until a few more months. I’ll be trying out a weird concept, and I kid you not on this one, that I currently call “the semi-invisible man”. It’s a dumbass concept, I’ll admit. A guy is either visible or he is not. What good is a semi-invisible man? But what the heck, no sense in letting something as boring as logic ruin a good storyline, is there?

With all this unhealthy talk about media suing bloggers, we at the 5Star have decided to put your mind at rest by publicly declaring our “free speech” policy. We would also like you to know why we won’t be so pathetic as to sue you bloggers.

10. We believe that ordinary people without proper lesen also got right to talk freely without fear and flavour.

9. We got moral. We know how the ‘shame’ word is written.

8. More importantly, we won’t get rich by suing bloggers.

7. We are not FRANTIC(Falling Readership And Needing Total Intensive Care).

6. We have a solid reputation, so this sue-here-sue-there kind of low mentality is utterly beneath us.

5. During a recent medical check, the doctors discovered that our 5Star editors actually have functioning brains, unlike the lowly rated competition.

4. All out time is spent productively in creating real news. No time to even shit, so where got so much time to sue bloggers?

3. Besides, they may sue us back.

2. Our research team found out that bloggers actually outnumber us!

1. If we don’t like what other bloggers say, then we should at least try to follow the favourite method of one politician to ‘close one eye’.

Two hours ago, as I was buying some stuff at the shops, a middle aged lady approached me and asked if I could give her ten ringgit to buy medicine at a nearby pharmacy. She said that she came out without her money.

I asked her why didn’t she go back home to take her money.

She replied that her house was far away.

I knew that she was lying. I did not know why she wanted the money, but I sensed that she had a need. I did not wish to know the real reason why she had to resort to asking strangers for cash even though I knew that she wasn’t being truthful. If ten ringgit was what she wanted, I would help her that much.

I handed over a ten ringgit note to her and then she announced that the medicine cost twenty ringgit. I told her that she need not buy that much as I was sure that the pharmacy would be able to sell her something within her budget.

“One dollar, just give me one more dollar,” she said. Her story had changed from ten, to twenty, to “one more dollar”. She wasn’t a very polished liar.

I had enough. I had helped her even when I knew she was not being honest, but I did not wish to be treated like a simple fool. Keeping my irritation under control, I walked away.

It was only yesterday that I blogged about the stupidity of selflessness. I’m someone who does not believe in heaven or karma, yet today, I did something with no benefit to the self. Not unless you consider irritation to be a benefit. No, I don’t regret what I did, but yeah, I felt pretty stupid.

If you look around you closely enough, you'll find that somehow, every young mom you know thinks that her baby is the smartest baby in the world.

The other day, a young mother told me proudly that her cute eleven-month old infant was so smart that he could say the word “duck” all day in his cot.

Okay, okay, just wait till the kid can pronounce the letter “f”, then I’ll really be impressed.

Selfishness is the natural order of things, the reason why the species survive. Every creature is mentally hardwired to be selfish because Nature intended it that way. Anyone who tells you differently is either a liar or a piece of ignorant shit.

One of the highest forms of selfishness is altruism, or rather, reciprocal altruism. Altruism is actually nothing more than selfishness masquerading as selflessness. This is the highest art. Even monkeys practise it as a means of getting ahead in their little monkey societies.

When you do something good for others, at the back of your mind, you know that there is always something to be gained, some benefit that would manifest itself in the future. Always!

A guy makes a donation to an orphanage because he feels good doing it. He knew beforehand that he would feel good doing it. His donation gave him the benefit of feeling good. Action and benefit. That qualifies as selfishness although most people would call it altruism.

What then is selflessness?

Well, if you give five ringgit to a pedophile to fund his unhealthy activities and you know that you will probably go to HELL for doing so, then you have just performed an action for which there is no known benefit for your action.
Action…….no benefit to the self…….now, that is called selflessness.

There is another name for it as well. It’s called ‘stupidity’.

Trying to predict the future is usually dicey. But I may have some good crystal balls.

Two years ago, on May 26 2005, when a lot of people said that American Idol Carrie Underwood wasn't all that great, I blogged:

“But Carrie will be huge. Far bigger than Fantasia. Brave prediction, I know. Even if she had lost to Bo, she will still end up bigger than Bo or Fantasia. Because the Country and Western market is ready for her to take it by the storm.”

She did take the Country and Western market by the storm, and won the Female Vocalist of the Year at the Country Music Awards! That should tell you that my crystal ball pretty much works.

Then, last year on May 25th 2006, I blogged:

“Of the previous idols, only Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood have made it big. Fantasia and Reuben just did not have the same level of success. I think Taylor would fall in the same group. Chris Daughtry’s voice is unique and it will not surprise me if his records sell really well.”

Chris Daughtry did not make the top three in Americal Idol. But his debut album release “Daughtry” is already outselling American Idol Taylor Hicks’ album. My prediction was spot on! When someone who is not even within the top three finalists of American Idol can do that well, it signifies a phenomenon that is unlikely to go away. Make no mistake; Daughtry is a rock star in the making.

I think it is pretty much established that I have a great set of crystal balls. They must be here for a reason. Perhaps I should polish them and try on Toto next.

Bloggers take care. You don’t wanna end up being sued by some Nauseating Stinky Tabloid just because you air your views over the internet. If ever you need a good reason not to buy that Numbing Shitty Trash, this is it.

American Idol, Season 6 is upon us. During the first episode on the audition in Minneapolis, AI judge Paula Abdul looked like a wreck and sounded incapacitated. There is a possibility that she had a couple of martinis too early in the day. Now I did not say that she was drunk…no, no, no. we bloggers are too smart to simply say such things over the internet nowadays. What I am saying is that she probably had a medical condition that caused her some great difficulty in keeping her spinal column erect, brought on by the accidental ingestion of fermented fluids. Poor Paula. Anybody can make an honest mistake. “You mean this shit contained alcohol? Why didn’t anybody tell me?”

Jewel, the guest judge, had much more to say than Paula. Nice face.

Simon Cowell was being Simon Cowell. His comments were harsh and acidic. Several times during the show, he said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but……”
If he says that another 92498354984874 times, I’m gonna believe him.

Randy Jackson was…..well……not fat. It’s those pants that made him look fat, but he was not fat. You hear that? Not fat. The damn pants had too much material, that’s all.

I’m constantly amazed at the number of people who can’t sing to save their lives and yet somehow believe that they could. Totally delusional. It’s a case of a belief system gone awry, and reality has a way of asserting itself over all beliefs.

You know what’s funny? When the guy tries to leave the room after the audition, he automatically pushes the left door to find that it wouldn’t budge. And Simon Cowell constantly prompting, “The other door.”

Let me educate you a bit about hand signs.

It’s the weekend and you are invited to a private party. While there, a beautiful lady shows you this sign:



What does it mean?

It means that you can take her home…..but it will cost ya SIX hundred bucks.

So you try to bargain. But before you do, let me show you another picture taken in some ulu place somewhere:



See? This is a pretty much an international standard rate.

So, no bargaining, okay?

But you don’t have SIX hundred bucks. Bummer. What to do? Nothing you can do except walk around aimlessly kicking empty soda cans.

And then another lady comes along and shows you this sign

Now what does that mean?

That means HUGE SAVINGS!.

Wow……your luck is starting to improve!

But then you push your luck and ask if she would settle for one hundred bucks instead.

She shows you this sign:



Hey....one finger! She's agreeing to your lousy ONE hundred bucks!

Or she could mean something else.

Have a great weekend!

I drink coffee occasionally, and I am always getting conflicting advice about coffee being good for you or not being good for you. The truth is, I don’t think we actually know. Behind the smacking clean lab coats of the health science community there is probably 1% reliable research and 99% bullshit guesswork.

I love coffee, so I am particularly shocked by this freak accident ’3 crushed to death by tons of coffee at Honduras warehouse’

I guess its official: too much coffee can kill ya.

You know when you give your love away
it opens your heart,
everything is new.

Enya’s song ‘Amarantine’ is trying to make a better person out of me. I wonder if that is even remotely possible. Not that I am a supermodel of wholesome virtue, but if I am less assholish than I am currently am, I’ll be a prime candidate for canonization. And I have not even begun to describe my big-time modesty yet. But yeah, love that song.

Last night, I watched Jaime Oliver on the cooking show Oliver’s Twist on TV. He’s the Naked Chef who never gets naked. He could have been naked before, but that was before he got a hot erection while standing too close to a hot oven. Hot erections and hot ovens just don't mix, so don't try this at home. Okay, go ahead and try it, just so that you can hear me say "I told you so."

Anyway, Chef Oliver was preparing some kind of messy fruit salad last night when he picked up a fruit and did some fancy cutting. Nothing wrong with that except that he called the fruit a hairy lychee.

Hairy lychee my ass.

Oi…..mat salleh…..it’s called a 'rambutan' lah.

It is difficult to be balmily happy while knowing that more than a hundred thousand of our people are living like illegal refugees because they have been flooded out of their homes. My mood is solemn this morning, and not just because it is a Monday and I have to work. Okay, maybe that too.

The only consoling thought is that one day, even the waters will have to subside. Then the folks will dry out the furniture and catch the crocodiles. And talk about the Great Flood. There is nothing we can do now except wait and hope.

It’s the weekend. Okay, go ahead…..relax, enjoy…..and generally make a fool of yourself. You know you want to.

But please don’t get drunk. Statistics show that drunk men make lousy drivers, and drunk women make lousy lovers. Especially if they are gag while doing the you–know-what……and end up vomiting over your you-know-where.

So, in the greater interest of public safety, I’ve devised this brilliantly simple test for ladies who want to know if they are well and truly drunk.



Look, if you’re that far inebriated that you can’t even perform this simple test by yourself, I’ll be happy to do it for ya if I’m anywhere in the vicinity. It may not be an easy job, but I’ll put aside my deep reservations and do it in the interest of public safety. You do understand public safety, don’t you?

But if you are a guy, then I’m sorry…..but I don’t know of any simple tests that you can conduct for yourself. Okay, maybe just one……put you hand in your pants. If you can count three balls, then you’re obviously as drunk as a skunk.

Last night, while I was sharing a fruit with Hot Babe, a mosquito boldly landed on my hand. My immediate thought was to kill it mercilessly on the count of three.

“One…..two……three”

SLAP!

“Cheh……..”

The damn insect averted my slap. A thousand dius.

Hot Babe said that perhaps the mosquito knew that I was going to flatten it on the count of three, so it sped off just in time.

“Maybe this mosquito could count,” she said. “You have to fool it into thinking that you were going to kill it on the count of three, and then you slap it silly when you reached “two”. You should act only when it was least expecting you to act.”

I nodded in agreement, “Or perhaps I could count past “three”, you know……four, five, six, seven…..and lull it into a false sense of security. Then I whack it when I count to “eight”. That ought to work as well.”

Mosquitoes…….you only need them to be bloody stupid just once.

1F U C4NN07 R34D 7H15, U W1LL N07 B3 4LL0W3D 70 H4V3 53X.

Two worms were crawling on the ground when they came across an old worm.

The old worm shouted, “Everybody, heed ye my warning! Beware of humans! Because humans can….”

SPLAAAAAAT!!!!!

A heavy human foot suddenly came out of nowhere and stepped on the old worm, killing it instantly.

The first worm looked at the dead old worm and exclaimed, “Shit! The old bugger never did finish what it was trying to say!”

The second worm added, “Yeah…..and now we will never know why we are supposed to beware of humans!”

Moral of the story: Believe it or not, but worms are slightly dumb.

This news article tells us that we may have already accidentally killed off life on Mars. Knowing that human beings are totally fucked up, I am somehow not least bit surprised. Mess up our planet…….then mess up another planet……this has got to stop.

Occasionally, I watch cooking shows. Like Oliver’s Twist. The odd thing about Jamie Oliver (known also as the Naked Chef), is that he loves to put olive oil in just about everything. It’s like he forgot his ingredients momentarily and then, “I know….I’ll just pour in some olive oil while I try to remember what the hell my next step is……” And the stuff is not cheap. We use olive oil in our house and the vegetables in the wok cost less than the oil we stir fry it with. I think the supermarkets must be making a bundle from us.

What is regular olive oil?
Regular olive oil is oil that has been grabbed and squeezed out from olives by men.

Then what the hell is Extra Virgin olive oil?
Extra virgin olive oil is oil that has been gently squeezed out from olives…….by women.

Meaning what?
Meaning the virgin olives never got deflowered by some horny lowlife. Hence the supermarkets think they can us charge more. Bastards.

Everybody dies one day, one way or another. No exceptions.

If you had been a good boy, you come back as a virile stud.

If you had been a bad boy, you come back as a goat.

I don’t know where I kapor the following pic from, but its giving me weird ideas.



You know, I’m thinking of coming back as a handphone.

With a kickass inbuilt camera.

Happy New Year, you bunch of regular sinners and all other immoral social misfits who visit this blog for reasons no decent being can truly understand.

That was all the new year greetings I have for you because the MCMC has advised that we should limit use of the Internet, meaning that I’m gonna have to make do with just two sentences instead of three.

It was the year Two-o-o-six
A year I won’t forget
A year when trials and challenges
Insisted on being met

And so I clenched my ass and asked
For sympathy from Heaven
“Hey, come on pal, please let me have
A great Two-o-o-seven!”