Stepping aside for Reality

This season’s American Idol is driving me to sleep. Bunch of crock. The only potential I have seen so far is 17-year old Jordin Sparks. She has star quality and a great voice. The rest just don’t have anything much to work with. Melissa Doolittle can sing, but she does not have the kind of star quality to make her a huge star. I like her though. As for the other vaunted singer Lakisha Jones, she’s so boring that I doubt if she will make it into the top 5.

Among the guys, Blake has some star quality but his voice is just like any other boy band offering. But he does have some singing ability. Sanjaya has great star appeal but not the singing skills to match.

Yep…..this season’s AI is definitely driving me to sleep. And despite the cup of coffee under my belt, I almost fell asleep at the keyboard while typing this. It hasn’t driven me to drink yet, but let’s just wait and see.

I realize that I sometimes come across as a shallow but great-looking guy mouthing off endlessly and that all I can ever think about are issues concerning the passion-driven offloading of the liquid contents of my nuts on this little alien-operated space island.

It may surprise some to discover that I am in fact a closet deep thinker who subscribes to more than just the cynical philosophy of “I bullshit, therefore I am.”

Hey, what’s for lunch?

I heard this question on the radio yesterday:

“The average person *------* 90 times a day.”

Well, what is it that the average person would want to do for 90 times a day?

No, the answer is not “wank”. Twenty times may be believable, but 90 times would be stretching it a bit thin, don't you think?

And what was the official answer as given by radio?

It’s “check the time”.

You believe that shit?

Who on earth checks the time for 90 occasions in one day? It would be like checking the time every 10 minutes during the hours you are awake. Is there some ultimate pleasure to be derived from knowing the time that I am not aware of? We are talking about the AVERAGE PERSON, implying that Jinjang Joe is doing it 90 times every day.

I do check the time occasionally, something like less than twenty times a day. Sometimes I don’t even wear a watch. If you had guessed that I am not an average person, you would be correct. But I’m educated and my school teachers taught me how to differentiate between day and night. Thus, I am able to function without a clock. If the sun is up, I eat. If the moon is up, I sleep. If both the moon and sun are up, I fall asleep while eating. Life should be simple.

Hear ye, the tax season approacheth.

To see if you are really in need of a tax rebate, we would like you to take this simple one question survey.

If you were given a financial tax rebate, you would use it wisely to:

a) Make a cash contribution to the poor and needy

b) Give it to the government to fight terror

c) Keep it in the bank so that banks have money to lend

d) Spend it on worthless sluts to keep the economy going

e) Donate it to Lim Goh Thong

You already know that I think that the planet earth is operated by aliens and human beings are like livestock. Bred to become some sort of super space race so that the aliens will find us worthy to serve. Unlike the aliens, we are mortals, and that is what make us exceptional.

Occasionally, the French people make some really great contributions to the human race. Like inventing the french kiss, for one. The french cap for another.

Here's yet one more:
France opens secret UFO files covering 50 years

Ahhh.....tres bien! This news is hot! And about time too!

Even so, the French sometimes arrive at the wrong conclusions in the face of strong evidence.

"Cases such as the lady who reported seeing an object that looked like a flying roll of toilet paper" are clearly not worth investigating....."

Of course they are worth investigating, vous dickhead stupide. If it is not wrong for an UFO to look like a saucer, then it shouldn't be wrong for an UFO to look like a flying roll of toilet paper, comprenez?

Duh!

And besides, the aliens might have wanted to make their space vehicles look like toilet paper to remind them just how full of shit humans are.

Of the 1,600 cases registered since 1954, nearly 25 percent are classified as "type D".

The others are classified as type A, B and C, of course.

But the really best ones are classified as type XO. I bet you didn't know that. Well, neither did I, so I'm really taking a wild guess here.

Now that the French have finally released their UFO data, you will never see things the same way again. And the next time you wipe your ass, better check that toilet paper thoroughly. I don't think that the aliens will take kindly to their space vehicle being flushed down the toilet bowl in stages.

I laughed when I read this news story:

Just call us Encik, says top cop
KUALA LUMPUR: There is no need for members of the public to address police personnel as “Datuk” or “Tuan” as this would not assure them of special attention or service.”

Get real.

We call them “datuk” not because we want special attention. It is because we DON’T want special attention! Meaning that we want them to forget about us. Immediately. Especially if we have been pulled up while testing the capabilities of the car along the highway.

“Datuk…...bagi chan sikit, datuk.”

This is the way, mah.

You say “Encik…...bagi chan sikit, encik,” and see what that will get you?

Special attention, that is what you will get. Don’t listen to everything that the newpapers tell you. They anyhow print rubbish one.

Today I am going to blog about bird flu.

Today I am going to tell a joke.

I heard this old joke many years ago:

There was a young man who was broke but horny. So he visited the madame of a house of ill repute to find out if he could get some action on credit.

“Sorry,” she said. “No money no talk.”

“But I will have some money tomorrow and I will pay you then,” he said.

“If you ain’t gonna pay, then I ain’t gonna let you have my regular girls,” insisted the madame. “But seeing that you are really in need, I can let you use my chicken for free. And I won’t charge you for the room either.”

“A chicken? You shitting me? I want a girl!”

“Take it or leave it!” said the madame.

The guy was horny, so he accepted. The madame took him into a room and there in the middle of the room was a chicken all ready. As soon as the madame had left, the horny bastard unzipped himself, grabbed the chicken and started sticking himself into it. The chicken was feisty and kept flapping its wings, threatening to get both of them airborne. However, the man persisted in spite of the feathers flying everywhere. When it was all over, the man went home with a satisfied smirk.

The next day, the man was horny again, but this time, he had a bit of money. So he went back to the madame to try his luck.

“How much have you got?” she asked.

“Five bucks,” he answered.

“For five bucks, I can let you watch a peep show,” she said.

So she led him into a darkened room where there were already a few other men peeping into another room through holes in the wall. He took the nearest hole and saw a man in the next room humping.

“Say, this is great!” said the guy. “There is a man in there humping a donkey!”

“Aiyaaah..…that is nothing lah,” said a bored voice beside him. “You should have been here yesterday, man. Hooiyoh……some dumb fuck was in there humping a squawking chicken!”

End of old joke.

Hey, I did say that I was going to blog about bird flu.

Okay, that horny guy had the flu and gave it to the chicken. And the rest is history.

The weather is getting me down.

Want to rain….don’t want to rain…but want to rain.

Fed up. Depression is starting to hit.

Depression. Oh woe. Want to die, don’t want to die. Why this world like that?

The world has always been in some kind of shit or other. Terrible shit. People killing each other, people blowing up shit, people fucking chickens. Really terrible shit.

I actually had to remind myself that other people had lived through worse times.

My forefathers lived through the Japanese occupation when all they had for food was tree bark. A handful of rice would be boiled into a very thin porridge and shared by the whole family. At least, that was what I was told.

Looking at my situation, I realize that my problem is not starvation but healthy dieting. True, there are people dying around the world, but maybe they are dying so that I can live.

Reality looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “Get off your depression high stool, you sorry ass, these are good times!”

Oh.....okay.

I’m having an ooohgasm.

It means I’m saying “oooh…oooh….oooh….” like there’s no ending.

This happens when a minister starts to backtrack. Remember this week when we bloggers were described as 'liars’ and ‘mostly jobless women’ by none other than a minister who gets his salary from us tax-paying bloggers?

I resent that remark. I have never been, nor will I ever be, a jobless woman.

Now the controversy-tainted minister is backtracking by saying that his statement was specifically made in reference to an Indonesian journalist.

Yeah……..right.

But an embarrassing backtrack is still an embarrassing backtrack. I was like “oooh…oooh….oooh….” in amusement. I can’t quite describe the feeling, but it’s something like the heady exhilaration you get from watching a crab attempting to walk straight.

Oh yes.....I’m having an ooohgasm.

On reading this bit of news about some farmer in Montana wishing to sell off the mammoth bones found on his farm, my dog wanted me to buy them for him. That many bones would give him a whole year of chewing pleasure.

I told the hairball “no”, that even if the bones were cheap, the high cost of transporting them here from Montana would be killing. Besides, at 12,500 years old, the bones were no more fresh.

My dog understood. Good dog.

Somebody, please tell me that Paula Abdul is not Michael Jackson in drag.

The resemblance is so close that it's uncanny.

That would explain why Paula is always acting weird.

Hard disk boot failure

Diskette “whirrrr whirrrr” boot to DOS

How to transfer files?

I came across a fengshui site that said that the map of Singapore looked like a crab. And that was why the Singapore authorities planted green plants and not red plants so as to avoid making Singapore look like a cooked crab. The crab moves sideways, and the site made the connection that that was what made Singaporeans kiasu. Gee…..everybody is a fengshui master today.

The same site also said that Penang is shaped like a tortoise and therefore will have the same characteristics of a tortoise. Yeah……right. Perhaps that explains why Penang is known for its food. We all know how tortoises love to cook.

This heading, Search is on for ‘real woman’, makes me want to laugh.

That is right. The ‘real woman’ is a disappearing breed on the brink of extinction so much so that we now have to launch a national search.

You see a woman walking like a real woman and you may be deluded into thinking that you have found her….but heck no…that’s an aqua.

General rule: If she looks too good to be a woman, then she is not a real woman. Because a real woman will have imperfections.

My friend Harry once said that “real women have huge tits”.

He’s a bit of a moron. Everytime he is around, the girls in the office will rush to staple their cunts shut. Which only proves that he knows dick about woman. Frankly, I distrust anything in a double D cup. Women are not frontal camels. They don’t have to hold that much milk in them, not unless nature requires them to suckle babies in a desert for days.

No, Harry. Real women have real tits.

No, I did not have to flee a shaking building when the tremors hit. That’s the story of my life. I am hardly ever in the path of danger. My only excitement is watching it happening to others on TV.

I hope you are not one of those unfortunate people who had to run like dickens out into the streets clad only in your tiny underwear. It could be worse. You could be just wearing a condom.

Look, if you have to run out into the streets while doing something indiscreet, at least show some good sense. Like making sure that you are not still tightly stuck to the goat. But if you do, then I hope that I get to watch it on TV. Hey, let's have some decent entertainment around here.

A flyer from a hypermarket yesterday was advertising a 1 gig pen drive at a special offer of RM55. Gee, that’s all? I expect better. Much better.

At Digital Mall in PJ, a Toshiba 1 gig pen drive is selling for only RM36 on the first floor. The 2 gig model is retailing at RM60. Now, that is what I call a real offer.

Among the hypermarts, I figure that Tesco and Carrefour have the lowest prices. Definitely cheaper than Giant, Jusco or Cold Storage. But the MILFs shopping in Cold Storage look better than elsewhere. Which is why I don’t shop in Cold Storage. All that blood rush down to my zip and I forget what it was that I was going to buy. And its murder on the pants as well, getting stretched in public.

Every tried having a Chap Goh Meh dinner in a restaurant on Chap Goh Meh itself?

Well, if the prices don’t kill you, the service will. Last night, at a restaurant, there were people waiting for seats everywhere and the waiters were overwhelmed. We had finished eating and were already getting ready to leave when the chicken came. Brilliant timing. Yup, we had ordered it, so we had to pay for it. No choice but to tapow it back.

As we were leaving after 9 p.m., there were still loads of people waiting for an empty table. Desperate to pig out. What does that tell you about the Year of the Pig?

Fed up with humans not meeting your expectations?

Why not date a sheep instead?

Listen to the advert:
“With AdultSheepFinder you can meet single, sexy sheep in your area at the touch of a button!”

Oh, alright, you sickos. If you are old enough to do whatever, go to this link.

Frankly, if you ask me, I’d say it wouldn’t work. There’s this language gap to overcome.

Try saying in your sexiest tone: “Let's get laid-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d.....”

The sheep will answer you "bah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h....."

That's a no.

Seriously, I don’t think that “Adult personals” are a good way to meet new friends. If you are single and lonely, and nobody ever invites you to their parties, then perhaps you should take some positive action. No, I don’t mean kill yourself, although that will mean one less problem for the rest of the world. Look, if you are a guy, go for some group tours that involve some required activity other than shopping. That will allow you to socially interact with your fellow vacationers. Most people on vacation are females. It’s like they don’t have to work. They are out to have fun.

If you are a girl, then join an activity sport like diving. Most of the participants will be males. With decently buffed bodies.