Stepping aside for Reality

Yes indeed, the bird with the nest in my garden is a Yellow Vented Bulbul. The two chicks in the nest are already one week old. They are already very wary. When the mother bird gives the signal, they hide themselves in the nest.

On other occasions they stick their heads out and demand for food.



Cute, aren’t they?

I hope they make it to adulthood. The only danger they face is probably from my cat.

So I talked to my cat yesterday in a most civil manner, trying to get it to understand my point of view.

Me : Miao, miao, miao, miao, miao!
(Translation: “Listen up. I seen you loitering around the garden all the time. Should you see any bird nests around these parts, I want you to leave ‘em alone. I don’t want to see bird killing, maiming or any of that shit in this garden, you hear?”)

Cat : Miao!
(Translation: “Who? Me? I’m no sick murdering bastard! I’m a civilised cat!”)

Me : Miao, miao, miao, miao, miao!
(Translation: “Yeah, yeah. I’m sure your momma’s real proud of ya. But I’m just sayin’ that I don’t wanna see any bird casualties in mah territory, you understand me?”)

Cat : Miao!
(Translation: “Of course, I understand. But if I happen to kill a bird or two accidentally because I didn’t know that their nest was there, it’s not going to be my fault, is it? I mean, accidents do happen. Like when a bird flies straight into my claws even though I try my very best to avoid it. You know that all birds are stupid like that!”)

Me : Miao, miao, miao, miao, miao!
(Translation: “Oh yeah? Well, you may want to know that I am highly intuitive, and my all-knowing eye would know that it ain’t no accident. After that I’ll whop yer ass beyond all recognition. And I’ll invite the neighbours’ cats to come listen to you holla like a bitch.”)

Cat : Miao!
(Translation: “But what if it really is an accident?”)

Me : Miao, miao, miao, miao, miao!
(Translation: “I’ll whop yer ass all the same. The response is automatic, you see? You better pray that there ain’t gonna be any accidents with them birds. When I’m done with yer ass, instead of having nine lives, you’d wish you had ten.”)

Cat : Miao!
(Translation: “That isn’t fair!”)

Me : Miao, miao, miao, miao, miao!
(Translation: “Fair? You wanna argue about ‘fair’? You ain’t done shit around here but sleep all day, but you still get your meals on time. And then you shed your fur all over the place. You think that’s fair? If I ain’t such a patient and tolerant owner, with the milk of human kindness oozing out from mah humble soul, I‘ll be feeding yer ass to yer face, one piece at a time, by now.”)

Cat : Miao!
(Translation: “Okay, okay, enough already! If I should see a bird in a nest, I‘ll just stand on my hind legs and salute the stupid bird. Would that satisfy you?”

Me : Miao, miao, miao, miao, miao!
(Translation: “Hey, don’t you get cute with me, ya dumb cat. You ain’t got the intellectual horsepower to talk sarcasm and shit like that. And I wanna see an attitude change in you from now on. Now git out of here.”

There, I’m sure it got the message loud and clear.

I have not ascertain the identity of the bird that is building a nest in my orchid pot(see Tuesday’s post). For the time being, I will call it ‘Ah Cheok Chai’, but I have a feeling that it is most likely a Yellow-Vented Bulbul(Pycnonotus goiavier). I will identify it this weekend.

There are a number of bulbuls loitering in the mango tree in my garden. They can be quite entertaining with the birdcalls they make. I have lost quite a number of mangoes to these little fellas. They tend to peck at the mangoes at the first sign of ripening. This leaves me no choice but to pluck the mangoes two days before the mangoes ripen. Actually, I would have preferred to allow the mangoes to ripen on the tree as they taste better that way. But the birds can be very fast.

Normally, once the birds have pecked at a mango, I would leave it on the tree so that they can feed on it and leave the other mangoes alone. I don’t mind sharing some fruits on the tree with these creatures as long as they behave in a civilized manner. But no. These birds, being bird-brained, would peck at a newly ripening mango even before they have finished eating the old one. Now, that is definitely bad table manners. I’m going to have to cane their little asses next time.

Oh, BTW, I heard this riddle when I was a kid.
“Where do we find mangoes?”

Answer:
“We find that man goes where woman goes.”

Have a great weekend everybody! And don’t do anything that I would be ashamed of.

Been busy the whole morning. Didn’t have time to blog.

My boss tells me that I should not allow an insignificant concept, such as work, affect my blogging. He says that the grand honour of hiring me is reward enough for him.

Well, actually he didn’t. But it would be a nice gesture if he did.

Oh, another thing…..I am not frequently at my workstation. Quite often, I have to blog and run. Which means that there will be occasions when I will not have the time to even notice the comments. So the comments go unacknowledged. This is not arrogance on my part but just ignorance. And they say that ignorance is no excuse arrogance, quid pro quo, que sera sera, and all that. I hoped I just impressed you with my Latin. Or was it French?

I think payday may be today. Better look busy.

Bye!

Today is Chap Goh Meh(translation: "Fifteenth Day"). Officially, today is the last day of the Chinese New Year. CNY is celebrated around the world simply because there are Chinese everywhere. I bet that if we land a spaceship on Pluto, we will find a Chinese settlement there, celebrating CNY.

Why is it that the Chinese can thrive anywhere in the world?

Is it because they have towering personalities? And that they are well-rounded people who have developed a high intellect, high-value system, successful career, good economic standing and upholding a well-respected culture and religion?

Nah……it’s because the Chinese can cook……. and they are also highly flexible.

A long time ago, there was a competition to see who can raise the fastest buffalo. Each racial community was given a herd of ten buffaloes to start with. At the end of ten years, there was going to be a buffalo race to determine the winner.

Well, the other people did things like selective breeding of the animals to get the best genetic strains. Some other races developed performance-enhancing drugs to inject into the animals. Everybody was busy trying to develop a super buffalo. Everybody, except for the Chinese.

The Chinese cooked the buffaloes instead. They experimented with dishes like stir-fried buffalo, sweet and sour buffalo, stewed buffalo meat, herbal buffalo soup, and a host of other dishes. At the end of ten years, they had eaten all the buffaloes and everything was gone. Everything, except for the buffalo horns which nobody wanted to eat.

So for the buffalo race, the Chinese didn’t have a buffalo to enter. But no problem. The Chinese people are flexible. They took a pair of buffalo horns and glued them onto a horse and entered the animal in the buffalo race.

Do you think the Americans or the Europeans will think like this? Hell no!

Like I said, the Chinese can cook and they are highly flexible.

Happy Chap Goh Meh!

I have already done my post for the day when I found out that today, Jan 22, is also"Free Mojtaba and Arash Day".

This piece of news says that:
"Arash Sigarchi is still in Lakan prison in the Iranian city of Rashat.
Fellow Iranian blogger Mojtaba Saminejad has been released from prison in Tehran but still faces charges."

This entry serves as supportive action to protect bloggers.

I took this picture last night, with flash photography.

This little bird has its nest in one of my hanging orchid pots. When any of us walked in the garden, we would pass within three feet of the nest.

Eight days ago, I noticed that there were two eggs in the nest. Last Sunday, they hatched, and I managed to get a brief look at the two little naked chicks when the mother bird was not around. Didn't hang around the area as I did not want to stress out the mother bird.

Last night, I held the camera over my head about five feet from the nest and took a wild shot in semi-darkness. I couldn't really see what I was shooting, but just hoped for the best.

Isn't it amazing that it sleeps with its head in the bush and with it's tail hanging out? Maybe it thinks that "If I can't see them, then they can't see me!"

The case looked simple enough.
Three robbers tried to rob two Indonesians. The victims fought back and wrestled a parang away from one of the robbers and slashed the robber to death.

Police recommended to the Attorney-General to charge the two victims under Section 304(a) of the Penal Code with using excessive force in defending themselves.

This is a point of concern to me. What constitutes “excessive force" in defending themselves?

Before we consider the question further, let me just say that there is such a thing as “excessive force”. Say, a lone robber decides to rob ten men with a knife. That would be idiotic of course, but let’s just assume that he is a fucking idiot. And let’s say the ten men quickly overpower the idiot and then beat him until he is ten times dead. Then they beat him some more until what is left is a homogeneous organic pulp. Then they take a steamroller and flatten the pulp out into a pancake. That, my friend, would be “excessive force”.

But I would not charge the ten men in court, because to do so will only encourage more robbers. Or more idiots. Either way is bad. We have to look at the bigger picture than at the individual rights of the robber. Snatch thieves will get emboldened if they know that victims can be charged with using “excessive force in defending themselves”.

In a life-threatening situation, many rational people are driven by fear, and are unable to judge as to what constitutes “excessive force”. If you are facing a robber for the first time of your life, would you know how much force is justified in defending yourself? If the robber is down on the ground, you will most likely keep beating the shit out of him repeatedly simply because you just don’t know if he will get up and kill you. In the movies, people who appeared dead can somehow get up and inflict great damage later on. And since you received most of your quality education from the movies, you would keep on beating the shit out of him, won’t you?

In this particular case, the victims were clearly outnumbered by 3 to 2. And the weapons came from the robbers. As such, I don’t think we should be charging the two victims with using excessive force in defending themselves. This will send the wrong message to all aspiring criminals. We do not wish to encourage any more snatch thieves, do we?

Further views from others on the matter can be found in the one-star page here.

Woke up this morning just feeling fine
Can’t shake the feeling this world is mine
Admired my thing with shameless pride
Waited for the woody to subside

Went to the loo and took a piss
*Sheeee sheeee shaaaa shaaaa*, that was bliss
Feeling great, I started to hum:
“Get ready world, ‘cos here I come!”

+++

Yeah, yeah, I know. I am in a good mood this morning. I seldom feel this good so early in the day. Can’t explain the feeling. It’s like experiencing the afterglow without having sex. You just wanna go hug the nearest wallet.

Have a great day ahead, everybody!

I see that Sarawak is mulling an LRT system for Kuching. Good.

It is always better to plan a good transportation system early. A town should grow around a transportation system and not the other way around. If you have a good transport network, you can always put in a town or two later. That is why in the olden days, towns grew around waterways and trade routes.

Of course, the Kuching town planners must have a few ounces of brains between them. Or they may end up implementing an overall transport system comprising of two different LRT systems, one electric train and one monorail, and insufficient feeder buses. Oh wait, I was describing Kuala Lumpur. Damn!

Okay, serious social commentary is over.

Time to switch back to the CNY festive mood. Yeeee haaaaa…!

This being the Year of the Chicken, I find myself pondering this gastronomic question lately:
“Which is the tastiest part of the chicken?”

I can’t believe that the lousy one-star publication would run an online poll on whether Prince Charles should marry Camilla. Why would this thoroughly confused publication conduct an online poll on such a mindless topic?

And besides, you call that a proper poll? Let’s see how the 5-Star would do it. It goes without saying that the 5-Star, being a much better newspaper than the one-star trashy broadsheet, would conduct the poll in a much more professional manner.

5Star

Should Prince Charles marry Camilla?
a) Approve
b) Disapprove
c) Why the fuck should we care?
d) Of course we care, but who the heck are Charles and Camilla?
e) Somebody’s wedding izzit? Got free makan ah?

Respondents who answered a) or b) are advised to contact the nearest medical facility to seek urgent surgical attention in removing the cranium from the rectal orifice.

Over the weekend, I took Hot Babe to the IMAX cinema to watch the 3D documentary “T-Rex - Back to the Cretaceous”. The IMAX cinema had an impressive 5 storey high screen. With an entrance fee of RM15 per head, it was certainly not cheap, especially if you consider the fact that the movie was only 45 minutes long. Still, they did provide the free use of proper 3D specs(not the el cheapo red-blue lens type).

I did learn a thing or two from the movie, like the fact that birds evolved from the dinosaurs. And the closest living relative to the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the chicken. Both run on hind legs and leave a 3-toe footprint on the ground. I bet the T Rex tastes just as good.

Today, being Valentine’s Day, prices will hit the roof at the restaurants. Idiotic, isn’t it? And yup, I’ll be staying away from those places. I like my food cheap and good. I know that I am not romantic, but I am good-looking, humble and mentally stable. Hey, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad. Hot Babe says that she is not even sure of the “humble and mentally stable” part. Well, in that case, 1 out of 4 ain’t bad!

Still, happy Valentine’s Day, everybody.
Now let’s hope you can persuade your date to avoid the fancy restaurants and instead, go and feast on Tyrannosaurus Rex’s closest living relative prepared by Colonel Sanders.

I dunno what’s the big deal about the reunion dinner. Every year, all over the world, Chinese families make it a point to gather for the dinner just before the lunar New Year.

My family is no exception. And every year we say more or less the same things.

“Hey, Viewtru, are you getting enough sex?”
“More than I can handle. What’s it to you?”

To be honest, we don’t exactly say stuff like that, but that would be a welcome change.

Still, I can’t say that I’m not pleased to see everybody around the dinner table. I usually try to contribute one dish to the dinner. Last year, I supplied the ‘yee sang’. This year I will supply the ‘sang choy” or Chinese lettuce. The preparation can be tedious. The leaves are plucked from the main stem and then washed individually. Arrange the leaves nicely on a plate and, voila, a dish is born! Sounds complicated, huh?

Although the reunion dinner is deemed to be important, traditions have loosened up quite a bit. Some families take the opportunity to go for a holiday during this period. In fact, I have missed a reunion dinner before, because I was on a long vacation and see no reason why I should come back home for a big meal. I think I was all alone in a foreign land, and having buns and hardboiled eggs for dinner on that occasion.

A friend of mine has taken the opportunity to go to Sydney for the Chinese New Year holidays. She complained that she couldn’t seem to get cheap fares during this time of the year. I think Sydney is the ideal place to visit for CNY because its food and culture will make you feel that you are on holiday when you are there. Also, it has a thriving Chinatown with lion dances in case you want to get into the CNY spirit while on holiday. Sort of a place where you can mix a vacation with CNY tradition.
On top of that, it is tsunami-free.

Maybe that’s why quite a few of the people I know have tried to get jobs there.

Oh, here’s an interesting story:
Three guys, Cheng Kee, Beng Kee and Feng Kee, were talking about going to Australia to get a job.

Cheng Kee said, “These white people, arh, they don’t know how to pronounce Chinese names. When I get there, instead of calling me ‘Cheng Kee’, they’ll want to call me ‘Chucky’.”

Beng Kee replied, “Yeah, it’s true. Instead of ‘Beng Kee’, they’ll call me ‘Bucky’.”

And Feng Kee said, “WTF? I’m not going!”

I won’t be blogging for the next couple of days, so have a Happy Chinese New Year, all of you!

I see that I am no more number 1 in Google’s results for a “cheebai” search. Good! Right after my last blog posting, I was taken off the results.

On another search word, last Friday, I was number 1 for a “Malaysian gigolo” search. This morning, I am ranked at number 9. That means that eight other gigolos have overtaken me over the weekend. Damn, fame is such a fleeting thing!

Look, Google is not God. It does not know everything.

For example, if you are looking for a date, who is physically flexible for the type of romantic weekend you have in mind, and you type in the search for “contortionist bodacious women in Klang valley”, you will only get the following results from Google:

“Your search - contortionist bodacious women in Klang valley - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:
- Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
- Try different keywords.
- Try more general keywords.
- Try fewer keywords.”


See? Like I said, Google is not God. It doesn’t search thoroughly enough. You can’t even rely on it to get a simple date.

Yesterday, I was alerted to the fact that I’m number one in the results of a Google search for “cheebai”.
No, I don’t have a cheebai(translation: "vagina"). The point to not having a cheebai is so that you can go and look for a hot babe willing to share hers with you. Get it?

And this is not a cheebai blog, no matter what Google implies. If I were ever to get pregnant, which at this point does not appear to be likely, then maybe, and only maybe, I would consider having a cheebai blog.

Although they are currently only about two hundred of them, my regular visitors all know that this is a highly serious SOCIAL COMMENTARY blog. Not humour, not food(hear that, you rotiboy fanatics?), but social commentary! We are all concerned about important social issues and we are here to improve the world somewhat. Our numbers may be small, but I bet we are succeeding. Unsung heroes, that’s what we are.

So, we are definitely not a “cheebai” blog. Was there ever any doubt?

Okay, back to serious business.

Hot Babe is asking me to do some analysis on why the kueh bangkit she made last week did not turn out right. How should I know? But she thinks I’m a genius. She also thinks I’m an Iron Chef. So I guess I will have to give her some lame answers this weekend.

Gonna tell her that she shouldn’t have been so gentle while kneading the dough. Or perhaps it was the filtered water she was using. She should have used water from ‘reverse osmosis’ instead. Yeah, that sounds plausible.

But I’m running out of credible reasons. I’m not sure if she believes everything I tell her, but she always looks like she does.

End of serious business.

Oh wait, I forgot to do some social commentary. Okay, here it goes:
"In the Year of the Cock, the male population should rise to the occasion to get a good head.....start."

Have a good weekend ahead everybody!

It was reported in the news that a 500,000-member team was set up to raid outlets harbouring illegal immigrants in the country.

First, we had an amnesty between Oct 29 and Nov 14, 2004, for illegal immigrants to return home without penalty. Then the amnesty period was extended and extended like a rubber band to Jan 31, 2005.

And now we’re told that that the 500,000 member team are not going to detain illegals, but are going to “ask them nicely ” to leave. That’s right, we are going to be polite and talk to them nicely. No caning or detention, but good old fashion polite language!

Many people are condemning the gahmen for waffling decisions and flip-flopping positions. But I sense something bigger afoot here. That’s because I can look at the BIG PICTURE.

The whole exercise was not intended to get rid of illegal immigrants, but rather to train the 500,000 member team in the art of polite conversation! Yes, this is one giant ‘Courtesy Campaign’ training exercise disguised as some ‘Action against Illegal Immigrants’ operation.

It takes just too much expense to organize seminars and training sessions on politeness for so many people. So the gahmen, in a stroke of pure genius, decided that it was better that we have ‘on-the-job’ practice sessions. And the people who will let us practise on them are, of course, the illegals. The best part of it is, it’s all free! They’re illegals, so they are in no position to demand payment for helping us to train our 500,000 people in courteous conversation. Gosh, think of the amount of money we saved!

Man, this is brilliant, fucking brilliant! We grab hold of an illegal, say nice things to him, and then let him go. And after we’re done, our manners improved! This is so good for the country!

But enough of all the praises. There’s important work ahead. For starters, these 500,000 people are gonna learn the correct usage of those crucial words to use in any polite conversation, such as “please”, “sorry” and “thanks”.

Now say with me nicely the following:
“ Please leave the country at your own pleasure. We are so sorry to have to remind you of the sad fact that the amnesty period is over. Thanks for listening, and have a nice day.”

Awwww……wasn’t that nice? And ever so polite.

Compare that to the crude manner by which we used to say “please”, “sorry” and “thanks” before:


“Yo mudderfuckaz! Yer ugly buttfaces don’t please us, so we’ll gonna whop yer sorry asses so fuckin’ hard that you’ll give grateful thanks if ever your stinkin’ shit can filter out thru yer twisted assholes again!”

I haven’t blog a rooster post so far this week, and I’m getting withdrawal symptoms. Hands getting clammy, lips getting dry and dick getting slightly bloated. I can’t work or do anything remotely productive. Thank goodness, I can still fucking goof off.

Geez…..this approaching Year of the Cock is having a mysterious effect on my DNA.

So okay. Here is the real answer to an ancient riddle:

“Why did the rooster cross the road?”
“Because the hen on the other side looks like it couldn’t run very fast.”

There…..I’m feeling much better now. Ahhhhhh…….

If I was told that there was a chance of getting blown up at the polling station while I was queuing up to vote, I might have a hard time deciding whether to stay at home or to go and vote.

And if, I was also told that the roads were going to be blocked, and I would have to WALK to the polling station, I’d probably say, “Forget it! I’ll watch the event on TV instead!”

Thank goodness I’m not an Iraqi.

In the January 30th elections in Iraq, the voter turnout was 60%. This is slightly more that the voter turnout for the world’s largest democracy, India, which was 57.7% in 2004. Forty four people died in the election violence in Iraq. In India, there would also be a few hundred deaths in every election. Heck, not just in India. In many parts of the world also.

The Iraqi society is getting increasingly polarized, with the arab sunnis against the elections and the rest of the other races for the elections. But Arab sunnis are a minority whom I think is only 12% of the Iraqi population.(Despite mainstream media estimates of 15 - 20% of the population).

The election event turned out to be a clash between the suicide bombers and EQUALLY suicidal voters. This is a clash of wills with both sides willing to risk their lives. Both sides are ready to martyr themselves over the right to vote. It is just so bizarre.

But the writing is already there on the wall: the voters will not be cowed. It means that a former priviledged minority has failed to enslave the mindset of the Iraqi majority. It will take some time before the insurgency winds down completely. Maybe half a generation. Maybe very much less. The Iraqi election does remind me of the history of South Africa when the white minority had to finally yield power to the black majority.

That is not to say that the Iraqi insurgency does not have its uses. It has. The insurgency will force the elected representatives to take the disparate views of all Iraqi segments into account before drafting a new permanent Constitution. Without the insurgency, Shiite Grand Ayatollah Sistani may be tempted to try to dictate the new Iraqi Constitution at will. He can’t do that now without triggering an all out civil war.

It is difficult to understand the actions of the Iraqi people. But then, this is a land where an average of 24 people has been caused to disappear daily during the past 23 years of Saddam’s rule. And that’s not even counting those who died in the wars against Iran and Kuwait. A generation that grew up through times like that is bound to behave in a most bizarre manner. Probably, the whole country is cuckoo by now. (I always thought that my Iraqi friend behaved strangely.)

Still, congratulations are in order to the Iraqi people. Not for having an election. But for daring to take part in this particular election. That’s true grit. I know I would probably have stayed at home.