Stepping aside for Reality

I was browsing through the books at MPH bookshop today and I came across a really useless mou liu book written by a Mat Salleh about Chinese Zodiac sex. I leafed through it quickly and .....wa piang....guessed what amusing shit he wrote?

Those born in the year of the Rooster, he called them the Rough and Ready Roosters.

The Goat was the Go-go Goat.

The Ox became the Oral Ox.

And the Monkey? It became the Marathon Monkey.

Now I got a wacky sense of humour, and I refused to be angered by this mindless cultural distortion. Dude, the reason why there are more Chinese than any other race on earth was not because of the Chinese Zodiac, but because a lot of Chinese don't have TV.

Next year will be the year of the Pig. If you are a Pig, you may be interested to learn that you got labelled the Perverted Pig.

It has been a quiet festive season this year. The flooding around the country had been a sobering event for a lot of us even for those of us not directly affected.

Sobering. I haven’t been this sober since……since…….since…… yesterday.

I dreamt about beer last night. I dreamt that I bought Old Singha Beer from a coffee shop. Weird huh? Why would anybody want to bottle old beer on the off chance that somebody like me might end up dreaming of buying it?

The end of the year draws nigh. Soon we’ll hear the Auld Lang Syne. It hasn’t been a particularly good year. We had appointed Councillors who don’t give two shits about the law. We had ”murder most foul” in the Mongolian model case. And now floods. With crocodiles in the flood waters.

Oh great……only the crocodiles are having a good time. Now I understand why I dreamt of beer.

I just came back from a Xmas bash and I had wine. I’m not whoozy or anything like that. Okay, maybe slightly. I’ll just do a short post before I crawl into bed.

Two years ago when the tsunami struck, was I in the thick of the action? No, my ass was not even in the country. I had nothing to blog. Zilch.

Last year, despite widespread SMS warnings of an impending tsunami, I spent the holidays by the sea looking high and low for unusual water movement. Did the tsunami appear? No. Again, I had nothing to blog. Sian!

This year, floods raged through many parts of the country and whole towns were cut off. Almost every blogger had a story to tell. But not me. I happened to live in a very safe area of the country. Even my relatives were safe. Once more, I had nothing to blog. Apa macam?

I am starting to think that I don’t live in interesting times. For that, I am truly thankful.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Every year, we would celebrate the Winter Solstice, or Dong Zhi("The Arrival of Winter") by eating Glutinous Rice Balls that has been boiled with sugar and ginger. I love the stuff with black sesame or peanuit filling.

If you remember your geography, then you would know that the four seasons are caused by the tilt of the earth axis. Thousands of years ago, there was no tilt and the earth did not have winter. Then something happened around the year 2345 BC. This was about the time of the Great Flood. Some heavy asteroid probably lost its way and smashed into the planet and made a humongous splash in the ocean. That must have caused a huge flood and sent Noah running to his ark. The planet then wobbled off its earlier axis of rotation and a tilt resulted. Thus we now have winter.

I did not make that theory up. A lot of people believe in them. Ancient Chinese history implied a big change in the world before and after that era. Oh….the weather change came so rapidly that the wooly mammoths were frozen in ice before they could finish their meal.

Believe it or not, this is my 900th post. I have mentioned before that I am going for 1000 posts. I’m almost there. Just 100 more posts to go. After that I’ll be on a long hiatus.

I’m feeling rather sorry for the folks in Johor and Melaka. The worst thing that can happen during the rainy season is when you are trying to flush the toilet and the floods rush in and threaten to drown you in there together with your recent excrement. Nature can be harsh like that.

At times like these, I really do not know of anything appropriate to say. But if you are reading this and the flood waters are already at your front door trying to get in, it may be a good time to get off the internet.

I was in Pets Wonderland today at 1Utama looking at some hot chicks bending over some pets. For some reason which I cannot understand, girls who can afford high maintenance pets are usually hot. Alright, alright…..I was buying a water pump for my aquarium.

Then I noticed that they were shooting a commercial just inside the entrance to the shop. It didn’t look like a TV commercial because the setup was much too simple. I think the commercial was meant to be shown only in the cinemas at 1Utama(TGV and Golden Screen Cinemas).

Pets Wonderland had a stupid ‘no cameras’ rule in their shop, like they were hiding nuclear secrets in their premises. Actually there was a ‘no camera’ sign somewhere, but I thought that it was meant for pets and not customers. So, I whipped out my camera and started shooting without using flash. After I had pulled off a few shots at the proceedings, a fat girl who appeared to be the resident bouncer, approached me and told me that I could not use a camera in there. Not wishing to tangle with a female bouncer, I put my camera away and got out of there.

Look at the pics I got.

Here is the picture of a sweet make-up girl(wearing a backpack) putting on makeup on a middle-aged actress with a squarish head.



I am not sure what it was that the kalafare did, but she was always around.

Then it’s “Action!”




In the picture, the squarish-headed mom was dragging a little girl along when they passed by some creepy crawlies in the glass aquariums on her left. Then she acted like she suddenly noticed the creatures and jumped two feet into the air from shock.

"Cut!"

Total bullshit exaggerated overacting, of course.

I think that Pets Wonderland must be trying to sell the idea that their pets are out-of-this-world mysterious creatures which will shock you out of your wits. Weird. If you asked me, the only thing shocking about their pets are the prices.

Frankly, the script they had for that lousy commercial was not very creative. If they had asked me nicely, I would have given them a much better idea. For free.

For instance, they could get a shapely actress to undress in front of her pets with the tagline,
“If your pets can walk around naked all day, so can you!”

I’m aware that there is nothing really intelligent about this idea, but you can’t argue with the great visual impact! Actually, I have an even better idea than this and the script calls for two shapely lesbian actresses going naked, but I don’t think that I should describe it here. Tis the season to be jolly.
Ho! Ho! Ho!

So, our space programme has given up on making teh tarik and roti canai in space. What a disappointment. Instead, our astronaut is going to do some irrelevant lab experiments of dubious application just to feebly show the world that we are doing something serious. Forget that! Anyone with a tiny shred of knowledge in science will not be suitably impressed, so we may as well go for novelty! Like having teh tarik and roti canai in space.

You wanna know why we scrap that novel idea? A little bird told me what actually transpired. It was a Russian little bird, and since I do not speak Russian, we communicated by sign language. Here’s the astounding news. Despite all the culinary training given by a team of professional Russian mamaks, our two space tourist contenders still could not make a decent teh tarik or roti canai! Look, it does not take a genius to figure out that if you can’t tarik the teh or flip the roti canai successfully here on earth, there is little chance of performing the operation perfectly in near zero-gravity space.

And thus, the Russians advised us to proceed with Plan B, which is performing some useless lab experiments in space. Personally, I’m aghast at the sudden turn of affairs, but at the 5Star, the best newspaper in the region, some readers are trying to maintain a positive attitude and have emailed in their suggestions on the type of experiments they wish to have conducted in outer space.

Their letters are being handled by our 5Star columnist, Ms Lai Ma, former karaoke lounge singer, but who is now our resident expert on rockets……or anything shaped like a rocket. May we humbly remind you that the 5Star is 5 times better than the one-Star competitor.



Dear Lai Ma
I think that making teh tarik or roti canai is much too complicated for our space tourist…..oops, I mean astronaut. Why don’t we ask him to do something simpler, like cooking Maggi Mee? It is fast to cook and good to eat, or so the advertisement says.
Cepat Masak

Dear Cepat Masak
Your idea is good, and it is already being implemented. Because of necessity. The Russians claimed that they are not charging us anything for our space tourist….I mean astronaut. Their budget is very tight, and so, they can only give our man instant noodles to eat for the entire space trip.


Dear Lai Ma
The recent earth tremor gave me the brilliant idea that perhaps our space tourist, oops, I mean astronaut, should conduct earthquake experiments in space, you know, to see if we can get rid of all these inconvenient tremors that keep frightening us for no good reason.
Shaken and stirred

Dear Shaken and stirred
To perform earthquake experiments, whatever that means, I believe you need something which we call “earth”. Our space tourist, oops, I mean astronaut, is going into space…..not earth.


Dear Lai Ma
We should get our space tourist…..I mean, astronaut…..to do an experiment to see if it is possible to have great sex in space. I mean, what is the point of going so far if you are not going to have sex. You know arh, I sent in 500 applications to become our first space tourist and got rejected 500 times. Not even an interview! Why like that? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Chin Tu Lan
I cannot believe that you still persist in writing to me. Worse still, my talkcock editor still insists that I reply your letter. Na beh….. now listen; the Russians only agreed to bring one of our people into space. To have sex properly, you need two people. Not everybody is like you, specializing in having sex alone. The reason your application got rejected 500 times was because you sent in your picture 500 times. And the people who processed your application vomited 500 times.


Dear Lai Ma
I got think about experimental sex in space but maybe that is a bit too ambitious. Better to start small small first. Perhaps we can perform simple things like testing the effect of microgravity on a micro erection.
Wee Ah Gra

Dear Wee Ah Gra
To do that, our space tourist…..I mean, astronaut…… must walk around bottomless. In a microgravity environment, everything tends to rise up. His micro erection will quickly become a macro erection and be out of control. This will be dangerous, very dangerous. Because his thing will poke here and poke there, and may accidentally poke the EJECT button. Then …..whooooosh….our man will get ejected out to the moon. Then the Russians will want to charge us a big sum of money to bring him back. And then our taxpayers will argue that it is much cheaper to leave him there. No, better not walk around bottomless inside the rocket!


Dear Lai Ma
For our space experiments, I suggest that we see if our astronut….astronak…..astro….damn….spaceman can study the feasibility of putting up a toll station in outer space. Then we can sit back, goyang kaki and collect toll. I and my close buddies are convinced that this has very great potential in terms of lucrative financial returns. What chu think?
Wok Mini Stir

Dear Wok Mini Stir
Putting up a toll station anywhere is an unpopular idea. Like the rest of your other ideas, this one sucks! The only beings who can stop their craft in space to pay toll are the aliens. If you make them angry with your toll stations everywhere, they may retaliate and then you will become a victim of alien abduction. And then they will stick all sorts of implements into you, to see if you can feel sensation or not. Or worse, they may do funny things to your hair and make you look like not three and not four. I hope my advice is not too late for you!

Yeah……rite. Like I could ever love anything about the toll.

Of course I worry. I worry that all those cronies would collect so much money one day that they would collapse under all that weight and become stunted. Yes, that is what I worry about. Stunted asswipes with compressed necks.

Say…..do you know what I love about the toll?
Nothing. Oh….but you knew that already.

Say…..do you know that you can find the word ‘toll’ in ‘troll’?
Okay, that was low. To the trolls, I mean. The tolls got me in the wallet. The dumb trolls never got anything from me. Poor trolls.

Enough. I’m rambling. Let’s change the topic.

My dog caught a dumb tree shrew yesterday. Good dog.

It's not that I like talking about movies that often, but I have run out of safe things to blog.

I don't wanna blog about politics, toll increase or the new mayor. These things put me in a foul mood. A really foul mood.

Movies are different. They give me 2 hours of pure escapism, and even if I do not like the movie, I can always sleep through it and get some rest. People go to the movies for all sorts of reasons. Like a few days ago, I was waiting for a Cantonese show to start when in walked a Malay couple.

I was like, "Wow! These two must be multilingual!"

The cinema was practically empty, but they headed to the third row from the screen.

I was like, "Wow! These two must be shortsighted!"

I could see their two heads right up front.

When the movie started, I could only see the silhouette of one head. The guy's head. I knew the girl was there, but she must be sitting really low in her seat and so I could not see the silhouette of her head. I hoped those two shortsighted multilingual people enjoyed the movie "Wise Guy Never Die".

I have already seen the movie Eragon. Simple plot but great scenery. The dragon looked real and not as frightfully ugly as some of our politicians. I think the movie was filmed in Hungary because they had a lot of hungry people. Europeans have traditionally thought of dragons as vile evil creatures that have to be killed. I’m sure that the movie Eragon will help change such harsh sentiments. Good.

Oh….about the movie. There wasn’t any sex. Just mindless killing.

The inescapable reality about the festive season is that I have to shell out some hard moolah to buy Christmas presents. Every year, as my nieces and nephews grow older, their presents get more and more expensive. One of my nephews is biologically old enough to breed. I thought of getting him a box of condoms and gift-wrap it for Christmas. The idea of his mother freaking out is entertaining. Highly entertaining!
Ho! Ho! Ho!

But no…..I am much more liberal in thought than in action. They say that thoughts become action, action becomes habit, habit becomes character and character becomes destiny. And then you die. There must be some noble lesson from all this but it eludes me at the moment. It’s probably all crap.

Here’s something odd:
In Norway, a man admitted to have driven under the influence of alcohol but was acquitted as he was drunk when making the confession.

If there is any logic to be had from this lesson, it is this; two wrongs do make a right.

Heeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Doug Carlin, an agent with the ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives) was called to investigate New Orleans ferry explosion where more than five hundred passengers died. He was then roped into another highly secretive government agency that had uber-cool equipment that could look into the past, four and a half days from the present time. Using the equipment, the investigators hoped to solve the crime by peering into specific places into the past where the suspect could be lurking.

Then, all of a sudden, Doug discovered that the people in the past were somehow aware that they were being spied upon, except that they did not know that they were being spied upon by people from the future four days ahead.

Weird, but interesting concept.

Creepy, though. It gives me goosebumps to think that some KPC in the future could be looking at what I am doing now in the bathroom. That is just a figure of speech. You know that I am not doing anything in the bathroom right now because I am here typing out this blog post.

Denzel Washington has the main role as Doug Carlin. The leading actress is a fine chick called Paula Patton.

Okay, let’s check her out.



Wa lau eh! She got form, man! The lady got prospect! Got future! Got shock absorbers!

Okay, there was one scene where the investigators peered into the time when she took off her clothes to take a shower. The stupid cameraman showed all the unnecessary angles except the most important angle. Kanineh. Stoopid cameraman never go for proper training one.

I would tell you more about the movie except that it may contain spoilers. That is why I have decided not to tell you that Doug Carlin tried to go back four days in time in order to prevent a ferry disaster, because that would give the plot away.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

If a man does not do what he's gotta do, then what he's gotta do will not get done.

The work you do is important.

And worthwhile.

Hard work never kill anybody, or so my friend's grandmother said.

So git back to work and do whatever you are supposed to be doing.

Coz someone has to do all the donkey work while I go on leave today.

“The highest secret of the Immortals is to know when you should die and how to die when you want to die.”

I read the above quote on the Internet and am not sure as to its meaning.

What's the logic of being an Immortal if you can die?

If ever I need evidence that aliens are managing this planet, then this scientific article will be able to provide support for my stand:

Scientist: Humans Strange, Neanderthals Normal

You hear that? We are the strange ones!

This was what I have always said all along; that humans were the result of genetic manipulation by aliens, and therefore don’t quite totally belong to this planet.

For all we know, the aliens are running this place like a big zoo, and bringing in aliens from other galaxies on group tours to see what humans do “in their natural habitat”. If you keep very, very quiet, you can probably hear the alien tour leader explaining stuff to the intergalactic tourists.

“And now in this bathroom, we have a young male specimen engaging in a solo recreational activity.”

“What is that thing he is doing?”

“Technically, it is called wanking.”

“Do the other species do it?”

“No, just the humans.”

“Why?”

“When we manipulated the genes of humans, there was this side effect that led to an overproduction of hormones.”

“What about the female specimens. Do they have side effects?”

“Worse. They go a bit crazy once a month.”

“Oooooooooohhhh!!!!”

“And then they bleed.”

“Oooooooooohhhh!!!!”

“You should see what they can do to a cucumber.”

“Aaaaaarrrgghhhhhhh!!!!”


Not many people are willing to take my alien theory seriously, but I’m telling ya, this is one big fucking zoo.

Fifteen writers from Malaysia completed the Nanowrimo. Congratulations! Dabido completed as well and posted 52323 words. Well done!

And for the rest of you who did not complete, congratulations are also in order for coming this far. Try again next year.

I visited the Spa exhibition at Mid Valley today.

Nothing interesting.

People kept handing me brochures like they knew that I could read. Was it that obvious?

I got one from a beauty academy that offered therapist training courses and the leaflet said.
“Beauty therapist is the past,
Spa therapist is the future.”

What about the present….. sex therapist? I was more interested in the present so I moved on.

Some guy came up to me and said something about “TIT TAR”.
I looked at the sign. It really said “TIT TAR”.

Aha! I understand tits, although I don’t quite understand tar.

Turned out that he was pushing some kind of traditional massage for sprained body parts. Nabeh….

There was a shapely lady from a hotel who was wearing a tight white top and was clearly braless. Wow! She flashed me a smile and handed me a nicely printed handout that shouted out,

“No fuss….Big Bust…It’s a must!”

I could not believe my eyes and read it again. Kanineh….it actually said
“No fuss….Big Buzz…It’s a must!”

Do I look like I was interested in bees or wasps? After taking another look at her front, I moved on.

The only thing interesting in the exhibition was one large jacuzzi that they set up there. Six naked people could fit inside! I mean, six hardworking people.