Stepping aside for Reality

This blogger woke up before 6 this morning. I normally wake up after 6, but the last day of the year 2003 would not allow me to sleep on longer. It wanted to say something in my ear. I got up and wrote it down before I forgot what it wanted to say. It has been an eventful year, but not a bad year for Malaysia. I would call it a 'turn around the corner" year. So, this is goodbye, 2003. Before it finally retires, the year 2003 has this to say to all those who read this blog:


Adieu from the year 2003

I'm o'er the hill
My time is done
I've had my fill
I've had my run

Before I crawl
Into my bed
I wish you all
Good times ahead


And adieu to you too, 2003. Sleep tight.

This unusual piece of news is already one week old, but still good for a laugh I suppose. Just in case you are wondering, it's about the Argentinian former footballer Maradona's fake penis. Read all about it here.

Now why did I not get interesting stuff like that for Christmas, instead of socks?

Every year, I start the year with good intentions and make some really good New Year resolutions. Why? Because you people are such a swell bunch that you make me just want to improve myself (.....yeah right!). Now that my laughter has subsided, let us move on to more serious things. For the year 2003, I had made 6 resolutions. Now that the end of the year is nigh, I am taking stock to see how well I have kept up with my resolutions. Let's see:

Resolution 1: Get Mahathir to step down.
Done. This one went well. The old man left without a fuss although his detractors would probably say that he was not given enough room to kick up a fuss. I had to put in some effort on this one and was glad that it went smoothly.

Resolution 2: Get Ling Liong Sik to step down.
Done. In fact overdone. Not only did Ah Ling stepped down, the deputy Ah Lek also stepped down. I must remind myself not to overdo things.

Resolution 3: Get Samy to step down.
Not done. I am ashamed to say that this one is proving too obstinate for me. Yoda kindly offered me the use of his light saber, along with this bit of instruction:

"If, refuses he, down to step,
Then gently, on his ass, you zap!"

Gently zap? It is not in my nature to GENTLY zap with a light saber. I tend to overdo things, as you can very well see from the results of Resolution 2. I wouldn't want to overdo another resolution again in the same year. Regretfully, I had to turn down Yoda's offer.

Resolution 4: Get Lim Kit Siang to step down.
Not done. This one is even more teruk than Samy. Lim has no state seat, no parliamentary seat.....no nothing. That's right....nothing, zilch, zero. Yet he is still hanging onto the controls of his party. His one and only idea has always been to set up a 'royal commission of inquiry' into why there is no 'royal commission of inquiry'. Why can't I get him to step down? Am I not trying hard enough?

Resolution 5: Invent a Cro-Magnon detector for PAS.
Not done. The initial prototype I designed had one flaw...it kept pointing in the direction of Nik Aziz. What good is a detector if it keeps pointing only in one direction? So I had to scrap the design.

Resolution 6: Find out why the Two-Reason Minister wears a bow tie.
Not done. At first I thought that this resolution would be easy to keep. The year is almost over, and I couldn't even find one reason, let alone two. Okay, I'll admit that I have been lazy on this one, but I'm ready with the usual standard excuses....too much work, not enough time, traffic jams, and the damn goat ate my homework. The people I see wearing bow ties are usually bridegrooms and hotel waiters. But they have a reason. The bow tie constricts the neck and prevents needless overtalking. The bridegroom who was the life of his bachelor party suddenly becomes strangely quiet on his wedding day when he puts on the bow tie. Even the bow tied hotel waiters are much quieter then, say, coffeeshop waiters. In other words, the bow tie prevents one from becoming an irritating loudmouth! This is true for normal people. Read my lips.....normal people! Like I said, I could not find out why the Two-Reason Minister wears a bow tie.


So let's tally up and find out how I fare in the New Year resolution stakes. Oh, fucking great.....I only managed to keep one third of my 2003 resolutions. Still it could be worse....I could be like some of you lazy bums who conveniently forget your New Year resolutions the minute the New Year celebrations starts. Oh yeah, many of you are veritable icons of discipline in reverse! And you're shamelessly proud of it too, I'll bet! May I suggest then that you start with something simple and easy to keep, like:

"My New Year resolution is to stand over the toilet bowl and aim straight!"

This suggestion is only for the guys, of course. Ladies, please don't try this at home. Oh okay...it is the New Year....so go ahead and try!

Yes, finally I got to experience the East coast during the monsoon. Cherating, was bright and sunny. So were Kemaman and Kuantan. Now who tipped off the monsoon that I was coming? The only sign that this was the monsoon season was that the ocean waves were much higher and the hotel rates much cheaper.

I saw this T-shirt on sale in Cherating village. Was this T-shirt designed by a shark? After seeing this T-shirt, I decided that the waves were too strong to make swimming possible. So I gave the sea a miss.

I visited Chukai in Kemaman and stopped by a roadside stall. A fat lady was frying what appeared to be like dog shit and boiling what appeared to be like human turd.

Closer inspection revealed that the fat lady was selling 'Taratai brand' keropok lekor, whatever that meant. I normally make it a point to buy fried keropok lekor every time I visit the east coast. The boiled variety of keropok lekor, with its resemblance to human turd from a healthy colon, did not look too appetizing. The fat lady insisted that I tried some and promptly cut up a long and round piece for me to try. It tasted soft and mushy but I didn't throw up. I decided that I liked the fried variety better. Nevertheless, I bought some of the boiled variety from her just to keep the economy going. That's me.....patriotism personified.

I managed to finish my Christmas shopping yesterday. Ho ho ho! Man, was I cutting it close! I must have walked miles through Lot 10, Starhill Plaza, KL Plaza, Bukit Bintang Plaza, Sungei Wang Plaza and even Carrefour.

While shopping, I took the opportunity to have lunch at the famous Pan Mee stall at Restoran Jangan Ketawa which is diagonally opposite the Fortuna Hotel. This is actually a coffeeshop located at the ground floor of a block of flats(a short walk away from Bukit Bintang Plaza). During the daytime, only Pan Mee is sold and no other food. I am not much of a fan of Pan Mee but I thought it would be nice to try it. My verdict is that the noodles and garnishings were nothing out of ordinary. However, what stands them out from the competition is the soup stock and the chilli sauce. Pretty good for RM3 worth, I thought.

It is just past midnight of Christmas eve at the time of writing. So ho ho ho....Merry Christmas, everybody!

I am on my annual leave now and I shall be going to the east coast for my vacation. I have never experience the east coast during the monsoon season so I thought I would try it once. Sure hope it doesn't flood. While I am away from the Klang valley, please be good. Because if you are not good, I would be so envious. I will not be blogging for a few days as I doubt if I can get access to an internet connection while on holiday.

Oh....before I forget, Yoda sends this Christmas greeting to you all:

"To you, Merry Christmas I wish.
Happy and bright, your days, may they be!"

I have always suspected that more non-Christians in Malaysia celebrated Christmas than Christians. According to this website, Christians form 8.6% of the Malaysian population. Thus non-Christians far outnumber the Christians.

The shopping malls have outdone themselves to encourage every person with a fat wallet to celebrate Christmas. Not that we Malaysians ever did need much encouragement to celebrate. Of course, many of us are aware that Jesus was not born on December 25th, which would have been in winter. We were told that shepherds were still tending their flock in the fields at night at that time Jesus was borned, so my guess is that it could have been autumn, thus making December 25th an unlikely date for Christmas. But never mind that.

Santa Claus, is a mythical figure from Europe, and probably stemmed from pagan roots. He has no connection at all to the bible. The last time I looked, reindeer still couldn't fly. But never mind that. The Suria KLCC boasts of the tallest Christmas tree in KL. But we know that Jesus did not insist on cutting down fir trees to celebrate his birth. (He must have been an environmentalist.) Then how did Christmas trees come to represent Christmas? Again...probably some pagan roots. But never mind that.

I know of some Christians who insist on not celebrating Christmas because of the pagan roots(not because of commercialism). If these people need an accurate reason to celebrate, it is their choice. I also know of non-Christians who insist on celebrating Christmas. I was in an Indian restaurant the other day and the owner had a very nice Christmas tree in his shop. He and his workers were mostly Hindus with a small sprinkling of Muslim workers. Why would non-Christians celebrate Christmas? And he is not the only one doing that. I think the reason many of us non-Christians celebrate Christmas is because we are subconsciously celebrating a rebirth of life. We do not have to think about the religious significance, or debate about the pagan roots, or discuss the lack of historical accuracy, or even bemoan the unabashed commercialism. We celebrate life, we celebrate love and we celebrate our special place in the universe. With that, I wish all Malaysians a Merry Christmas this week. Now I gotta go to obey the call of crass commercialism and shop, watch movies, and have a good time.

The Kelantan Mentri Besar, Nik Aziz came out with a half-assed statement in the Star article today, which defies all logic. He said,

" Try asking a Jew if he wants to come to a Muslim country? Not one person would say yes."

Now how did such a bizarre statement come about? There are a lot of Jews in Muslim countries. In fact, many Jews live in Muslim countries in the Middle East. And Jews have business interests in practically every country in the world, which means they would have to go to a Muslim country for the sake of business. My point is, the fact that a country is Muslim is not going to stop a Jew from going there! Now get that in your head, Nik, before it becomes fossilized!

As if this is not enough, out came another statement:

"If there are Malays rejecting the islamic state, definitely they are Jews....definitely," Nik Aziz reportedly said amid a chorus of takbir.

Is he saying that they are Jews masquerading as Malays? Is he trying to tell us that there are millions of Jews living in Malaysia already, and we did not even know it?

While trying hard not to puke into my bucket, I kept wondering how Nik Aziz managed to come up with such an illogical statement. Long, long ago, PAS didn't used to make statements like that. But in recent years, there seem to be more and more strange stuff coming from PAS. I always had this nagging theory that somehow, cloned Cro-Magnons from a CIA operated secret Jurassic Park experiment that was sabotaged by the KGB, have entered Malaysia illegally and joined PAS. Somehow they exerted a weird influence on the direction of the party thus resulting in the most unusual statements to come from PAS. Of course, at first, I thought that this was only a half-cocked theory.....but now I am not so sure. Rank and file PAS members must do more to keep out the Cro-Magnum influences, otherwise they may just wake up one day to find their party unrecognisable beyond belief.

Today I will not tolerate any dissenting comments in my blog. Any comment that tries to explain Nik Aziz's indefensible logic will face my delete button. My sense of logic has been assaulted and I am in an uncompromising mood. If you want to comment, just say that you agree with me and that I couldn't be more right. I want to see GOOD LOGIC PREVAIL in this country. Now excuse me while I go and wash out the bucket.

When I was a kid, I used to love kiddie rides. Sure, swings were fun, but kiddie rides kick ass....serious ass. Most kiddie rides were coin-operated, or they had an operator standing by to collect money from your parents. The rides usually come in the form of a horse, car or some other awesome shape.

It did not matter that the motion of the ride was rather limited, or that our elders would insist on embarrassing us by standing guardedly by our sides, but when we were riding, we felt cool.....we felt grown up. The design of the rides has basically not changed much over the years, and most are still coin-operated.

This is a typical kiddie ride found in many shopping complexes. I used to think that all kiddie rides were innocent fun. That was until I saw this picture on the web.

What was this kiddie ride manufacturer trying to do? Corrupt our kids?
I suppose it could be much worse....Donald Duck could be anatomically correct!

Due to the rising costs of newsprint and soap, the 5Star(the peeper's paper) has decided to publish the news in the "News In Brief" format today.



NEWS IN BRIEF

Guidelines on deferring NS

KUALA LUMPUR: The Minister of The Fence announced that students studying in international schools and private colleges with schooling sessions or semesters that overlapped with NS training period would be allowed to defer their participation in the National Service. Five minutes after this was announced, the Lame Cod Wing college rolled out a new course that overlapped all the NS training sessions. A spokesman for the college announced;
"This new course, called 'Computer Aided Flower Arrangement' is designed for students who want to defer their participation in the National Service. We foresee that there will be a very good market for this type of courses......because computer aided flower arrangement has never been taught anywhere in the world before. This is a 'first' for Malaysia, see?"

A sceptical parent remarked that even with the deferment in NS now, her son would still have to undergo NS sometime in the future. To this, the college spokesman responded in a hushed voice;

"Aiyahhh........don't worry lah! We have experience in this sort of thing! Next year, who knows? Maybe the NS programme get scrapped? Look what happened to the Rakan Muda programme?"




Dinner for Pak Lah not politically motivated.

KUALA LUMPUR: The mammoth dinner organised by the Chinese community in honour of the Pride Minister tonight is not politically motivated, said OKT, who is one of the intending attendees .

He said, "This is an opportunity for the Chinese community, many with no political connections, to bodek the Pride Minister. Those who already have political connections will also here to make sure that they are not out-bodeked. I am sure the Malaysia Book of Records officials will be here tonight. Who knows....we may even set a bodek record!"

OKT(which, by the way, does not stand for Or Kui Tow) said that preparations for the mammoth dinner were on schedule and the chefs had created 6 dishes specially for the Pride Minister, namely;

1. Four Season Mammoth
2. Mammoth Fin soup
3. Braised Mammoth
4. Sweet and Sour Mammoth
5. Mammoth steamed with Tongkat Ali
6. Mammoth with lychee dessert




Changes expected in MIC line-up

KUALA LUMPUR: The party president patted his hair and announced importantly,

" I have thought seriously about the existing line-up and feel that some will have to go. Those who have been holding seats for a long time should not regard them as belonging to them."

At press time, it had not been ascertained whether this announcement would affect the Sungei Siput constituency, but one of the Sungei Siput residents was heard to remark hopefully, "It's about time!"




Time running out to register cosmetics

PETALING JAYA: Manufacturers and distributors of cosmetic products have less than two weeks to register their products or face action. This was announced by the Hell Minister who was inspecting a hospital and trying to reassure the patients that they were not going to hell. The young nurses in the hospital were heard to remark, "Ooooooh...this one is the best looking one in the Cabinet......such a handsome devil!"

An unimpressed old and balding male patient muttered, "Sure handsome devil lah...he from hell ministry.....what do you expect?"

The handsome Hell Minister insisted that Regulation 30 of the Control of drugs and Cosmetics Regulations 1984 would be enforced on Jan 1, 2004. On being asked why it took 20 years to enforce the regulations, the Hell Minister replied, "How should I know....I was hired for my looks!"

I spent an boring half an hour clearing my TMnet mailbox of more than 600 spam messages. I use the free program, Mailwasher, without which I would have to take one fucking day for the same process. Those of you using Jaring or TMnet mail accounts should consider this program or something similar for protection. The program allows you to delete spam messages from your email account before they get downloaded into your computer and mess up the hard drive. Think of it as a condom for your hard drive........oops!

My Yahoo email account was pretty good. Yahoo has an anti-spam filter which seems to work quite well. Only 3 spam messages made it through to my account.

One of them had this as the message title:

the socialite who likes to party naked!

Well, I do not like to party entirely naked.....I prefer to wear a headband at least. Not quite my cup of tea....so I deleted that message right away.

The second spam message had this as the message title:

unleash your sexual energy in the best hotel

This is so ordinary. Where's the oooomph factor? They should have said "....unleash your sexual energy in the best MAS flight....". Now that would have gotten my attention. Without any hesitation, I deleted the spam message.

The third spam message to get through the Yahoo spam filter had something to do with an award

WINNING NOTICE FOR CATEGORY "2" WINNER OF THE LUCKYDAY INTERNATIONAL
LOTTO BV.
It is our pleasure to inform you that you have emerged
as a Category "2" winner of the Luckyday International email ballot
Lottery. CONGRATULATIONS! You are entitled to a
prize sum of € 200,000.00 Euros (Two Hundred Thousand Euros) Reference
number for your prize is LDNL/12-C572/03, ticket number
A/03-412. As a category "2" winner, you have been selected from
a total number of 25,000 names drawn from Asia, Africa,
Europe, Middle East and America.

This looks interesting...... I love being a winner. Now if they had told me that I had been somehow selected by computer to be the winner in the Category "3" Hongkong movie awards, I would have sat up and taken notice. And I would have worn my headband to the awards ceremony. But what the fuck is a Category "2" winner? So once again, I hit the 'Delete' button.

Come on, you spammers! Don't tease my dick. Is that all you've got! You got NOTHING !!!!

It felt almost unreal to read this latest news release from the Vatican as reported in the Star yesterday:

A top Vatican official said he felt pity and compassion for Saddam and criticized the US for showing video footage of him being treated "like a cow".

Pity? Oh for goodness sake, Saddam was getting a free medical check-up. Of course he would be prodded all over. What is so wrong in showing video footage of his mouth being checked? After all, they gotta show the public that the missing Weapons of Mass Destruction are not hidden in there. Feeling pity for someone getting a free medical check-up is misplaced......you know how much we have to pay for our annual check-ups? Did anybody pity us? (Okay, the last three sentences where out of place here!)

The Cardinals in Rome(or thereabouts) have been described by many as being no better than politicians. Before agreeing or disagreeing with this statement, consider what has happened for the past 12 months:

These are the same Cardinals who decided to cover-up the sexual abuse being done to young boys by their paedophile priests.(Whatever happened to "the truth shall set you free"?). To quote this news article in the UK :

Lawyers for the victims seized on the revelations as evidence that Vatican policy was not to protect local children but to hush up any embarrassment over the conduct of wayward priests.

I would have thought that the chief responsibility of the cardinals was to protect the flock and not the frock. When the accusations from the congregation proved too big to hide, the Catholic Church decided that they would put up $85 million to settle the sexual abuse claims. $85 million implies two things; that the paedophile wrongdoings are hugely significant(500 sexual abuse lawsuits in the U.S.), and that the Catholic Church has truckloads of money at their disposal. And don't tell me these things happen only in the U.S. It is in the U.S that they were unable to hush it up.

And who can forget that major condom controversy this year where the Vatican claimed that condoms don't stop AIDS? The cardinals suddenly developed their own version of science to prove that condoms don't work and therefore there was no need for them. This version of science earned the Vatican much negative publicity around the world. Some people went as far as calling the statement a "crime against humanity". I would not call it that, preferring to call it by the much tamer "bad advice".

And now the Vatican Cardinals felt 'pity' for Saddam after viewing the video of him being 'treated like a cow'. Tell that to the relatives and loved ones of the 300,000 people buried in mass graves in Iraq. Catholics, please don't apologise for the political hierarchy sitting religiously near Rome.....just spare a thought for Saddam's victims instead. It is high time that the Vatican get its act together. The world has waited long enough.

Yesterday, I was at the Mid Valley Megamall. At around 4 p.m. I felt the need to have a cup of tea so I went to Rotiboy to buy some buns. As usual there was a queue outside Rotiboy waiting for the buns to come out of the oven. This little bakery has an amazingly good business, considering the fact that they have only one viable product; the "Rotiboy", otherwise known as the "Mexican bun".


This round bun has a coffee flavoured topping and a buttery filling inside. It sells for RM1.50 each. The strange thing is that practically nobody buys anything else at the shop....only this particular bun. So I bought a Rotiboy bun, went up to the food court at the uppermost floor, ordered a tea("teh tarik") for RM1.80 and had a nice time downing it. Everyone else was eating more expensive stuff at the food court, but strangely, I did not feel cheap. In fact I felt smug. And I would recommend the not-so-hungry visitors to Mid Valley Megamall to do like what I did for tea. Gotta spread the smugness around, see?

A few weeks ago, Rotiboy opened a branch in One Utama Complex. Yes, you guessed it; people started queuing there as well. There was more business at Rotiboy's then the combined businesses of all the three other bread shops on that floor.While I was there buying, there came a guy who joined the queue. After being in the queue for about a minute, he turned around to ask the person next to him what the shop was selling!! Yeah, that was a fucking good display of logical reasoning! Queue first and then find out what you are buying later!

Every time I get on the LRT(Light Rapid Transit) system, I notice that they have a sign near the seats next to the doors, that say that we should give priority to the disabled. This makes sense. But many people just ignore the sign. Why? Because Malaysians can't read? Or when they read something not to their liking, they suffer from temporary blindness? How convenient!

The Japanese have a way out of this situation. They draw pictures instead on their metro trains. That way ,nobody can claim that they can't fucking read. And they have 4 categories for priority seating as well. I received this picture by email showing what they put up in the trains.

Now I am not able to read much Japanese, but never mind, it is easy enough to guess from the picture whom these 4 categories of priority seats should go to. Starting from left to right, my guess would be:

1. Men who must have swallowed Viagra pills by mistake
2. Amorous couples who can't get home in time
3. Women who are pregnant.
4. Port-bellied but well-hung porn stars travelling home after a hard day at work.

I was told that my third guess(pregnant women) was correct. Yay!!!.... I got one out of four correct....not bad!!!

Bur, apparently, the correct answers(from left to right) should be:

1. person with injured arm
2. person holding a child
3. pregnant woman
4. person with injured leg

Now, how can these be the correct answers? Don't you just hate it when people don't draw properly?

The headlines in every major paper in the world talk about the capture of Saddam Hussein today, and nothing else. The eminent newspaper in Malaysia, the 5Star, has this on its front page:


Saddam captured in hole

Tikrit, Sun.- U.S. troops captured Saddam Hussein in a hole near his hometown of Tikrit during a raid on a farm late yesterday.

On being asked what he was doing in the hole, Saddam replied,

"Ever since the Americans took over the country, the electricity don't work, the plumbing don't work, the sanitation don't work, the toilets don't work.... nothing works. So every time I need to shit, I have to come to this hole."

U.S. troops searched the farm and were seen carrying away some mysterious packages wrapped in Carrefour shopping bags. It was widely speculated that these could be the missing Weapons of Mass Destruction which President Bush had been unable to find all these while. Shortly afterwards, French President Jacques Chirac issued a strongly worded statement denying all knowledge of Carrefour shopping bags, forgetting the fact that Carrefour was a well-known French hypermarket.

Meanwhile, in Tikrit, the Iraqis denied that they could ever betray "the glory of the country", Saddam Hussein.
"With our blood, with our soul, we will defend you Saddam!", the Tikrities chanted.
Since nobody claimed to have betrayed Saddam to the U.S. troops, the manner by which the U.S. troops located Saddam Hussein remained a mystery.

Now this is news to me. This article in the Star suggesting the setting up of a water academy is so pitifully laughable. To quote consumer activist, Datuk Dr Anwar,

"Malaysia has the capacity to set up this institute to teach various things related to water such as enforcement, management, values and engineering."

Yeah right. We have lots of rainfall, lots of rivers, lots of floods, but still manage to get lots of water shortages. It is no secret that we lose a lot of water annually through theft and leaky pipes. So tell me, where is the enforcement and management that we are talking about? And when we are short of water, we go and build another expensive dam instead of fixing those leaky pipes. Don't even talk about values. The new dam at Kuala Kubu Baru will likely cause the disappearance of the fireflies in Kampung Kuantan near Kuala Selangor. This will be an irreplaceable loss for Selangor. Yeah..."values"... my ass.

He wants to talk about engineering as well? Okay, does anybody remember Tasek Cini a few years back? We couldn't even build a simple dam with the correct level across the river, thus causing the roots of the trees around Tasik Cini to become flooded. Finally we had to bring in pumps to rectify the situation before the trees died. Yeah...that was great water engineering all right.

I could go on and on. But we Malaysians are lucky. If we didn't have so much rainfall, our butts would have shrivelled up from dehydration from the way we are managing our resources. But never mind that,.....let's set up a water academy and show the world how we do things. Pray that they don't learn from us.

In today's issue, our 5Star columnist and former karaoke lounge singer, Ms Lai Ma, will answer all your questions on the topic of giving Christmas presents.



Dear Lai Ma
Christmas is approaching and I need to give my boyfriend a Christmas present. But my budget is only 5 ringgit. What do you suggest?
Julie

Dear Julie
Don't be so cheapskate lah. 5 ringgit where can buy anything nowadays. Go and borrow 20 ringgit from your boyfriend. So now you have 25 ringgit. Go and buy him a 6 ringgit present. The remaining 19 riggit, buy something nice for yourself. That way you will still feel good even after buying him a cheap present! Just because you are a cheapskate doesn't mean you have to think like one.


Dear Lai Ma
I have this boss who is very nasty. He has tormented us for 3 years. My office colleagues are planning to pack a dead rat in a box to give him as a Christmas present. I do not think this is a good idea. What do you think?
Fiona

Dear Fiona
Of course not good idea lah? Go and whack those idiots for me. Nah meh.....he tormented you for 3 years and you give him one dead rat......where got fair? You should put in 3 dead rats.


Dear Lai Ma
There is this girl who wants to give me a Christmas present. But I am not a Christian. Should I take or not?
Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng
Eh....you ask this type of stoopid question for what? Yau mo kau chor ah......this type of thing, ahh.....you take first and think later. This is Malaysian culture. It is always better for others to give and for us to receive. Next time I don't want to entertain this type of stoopid question anymore. If I were the girl, ah....I whack your head instead.


Dear Lai Ma
Since I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, I have this box of unused condoms lying in my apartment. I want to give it to my male colleague as a Christmas present. But I don't want him to get the wrong idea. What shall I do?
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer
Wrong idea is good! If he gets the wrong idea, you won't be alone for Christmas. But since you don't want him to get the wrong idea, never mind lah. Just tell your colleague that you are giving him gloves for Christmas. Put the condoms into an unmarked empty box. Then mark the box with the following words,
"GLOVES FOR INDIVIDUAL FINGERS"
Trust me, he won't know the difference.

Two weeks ago we had a rockfall in the NKVE. We thought that it was the end of the matter but no, it wasn't. What happened? Apparently some comedian went around and threatened to hold up the rocks with netting. This caused the rocks to crack up in laughter......thus causing even more cracks. So now we find that the cracks are increasing., and we can't do a damn thing about it until the rocks stop laughing. Therefore I would like to remind my loyal readers out there not to mention the word "netting" whenever there are rocks around, especially along the highways. Let us not compound the problem.

Since the nation's best newspaper, the 5Star(the peeper's paper) was not published today, I had to obtain my news from the Star(the people's paper). On reading page one, I learned that the works ministry had considered 3 alternatives to the solution:

a) building a tunnel
b) opening up half the road
c) cutting the slope

The works ministry said that building a tunnel will "take too long" and opening up half the road is "dangerous". They decided that the best solution was to close the road for 6 months and cut the slope.

I asked my contractor, Ah Chong, on his opinion on the three alternatives and this is what he had to say:

"Aiyah! Of course we cannot build the tunnel lah! Take too long! We don't know if the minister will still be around before the tunnel is completed. Sure tak jadi one. When Tun M stepped down, what happened? Bakun....scrapped. Double-tracking project....also scrapped. Short project, okay, but long project sure sangkut one. If we get new work minister, he may decide he don't want tunnel. Maybe want elevated highway above the rocks.....then what to do with half-completed tunnel? Who going to pay the contractor?

The second alternative of opening up half the road is dangerous.........very dangerous to the economy. If everybody think like that and nobody willing to spend money to do something, how to keep the economy going? If one leg of your trousers is torn, you wear only the other side, can or not? Don't be stingy lah...buy new pair!

The third alternative to cut the slope is good.....this one mo tuck teng. Six months contract only, and everything gao tim. Sure good lah! Maybe I can get "jalan". Heheh!! If I get this contract, I take you to karaoke. You write only good good things in the 5Star newspaper about the works minister okay?"

With that, Ah Chong left to look for "jalan". I was left trying to think of "good good things" to write.

Vital Projects First
BY WANG TU NAI

TOKYO: The controversial RM14.5bil double-track railway project must be postponed because the Government has priority for other more important development projects, the Pride Minister said. He cited prudent management and affordability as the main reasons for such a move.

The Cabinet will meet next week to decisively make a decision to postpone the final decision, he told Malaysian journalists at a press conference here yesterday. The Pride Minister is here to attend the Japan-Asean commemorative summit and free buffet lunch.

He said the majority of Cabinet members, who met on Wednesday, strongly felt that the project must be postponed. They felt that the NKVE rockfall and the National Service website needed greater attention.

During the Cabinet meeting, the Words Ministry had wanted a RM7 billion budget to purchase nets to hold up some rocks along the highways. The Words Minister declared:

"I have repeatedly told those rocks not to fall, but they don't listen to me! What to do?"

Not to be outdone, the Ministry of The Fence wanted RM7.4999999998 billion to upgrade the National Service website. On being asked by the Cabinet in what way this website can be deemed a 'vital project', the honourable minister explained:

"Of course this is a vital project! We put up this website so that 17-year-olds could check their names against the list posted at the site to confirm if they were among the 85,000 selected for National Service from a list of 480,000 individuals born in 1986. But 480,000 people trying to get into the website caused a huge traffic jam inside the computer.

This is bad for elections! If the average 17-year-old has two parents, we will get a total of 1,173,981 disgruntled parents! If we assume that half the affected parents are old enough to vote, we divide the figure by two, and that works out to 1,814,365 voters!"

Before the Pride Minister could recover from this piece of information, the senior lady Bait and Unagi Minister, who was known for her acid tongue and her devastating ability to comment on anything under the sun, pointed out the obvious mistake in the calculations:

"Wah...not bad eh....you only missed by 2."

Momentarily stunned by the mathematical antics of these two ministers, the Pride Minister sat down and was heard to mutter in the Penang hokkien dialect,

"Lin peh tua hiah.....si beh ho liao...."

With such a huge amount of money spent for the 'vital projects', there was only 20 sen left for the double-tracking project. The majority of Cabinet members strongly felt that this might not be sufficient to pay for the cost, and decided to put off the double-tracking project until the cost of implementing the huge project drops below 20 sen.

Why do we Malaysians like to complain, complain and complain?

When the gobermen set up National Service, we complain. Said why we need NS? Nothing better to do ah?

Then we find out that we don't have enough places for trainees, we complain. Why not enough places? Where our taxes go?

Then we find out must go for selection process. So we complain. Selection process fair or not? You say it's fair, but how we know?

Then they tell us that this one not holiday camp, but got NS trainer. What lah, must complain. Train us for what? To vote for BN gobermen again ah?

Then they say we got not enough Chinese trainer. Have to complain. How come you cannot get Chinese trainer? So many former VCD sellers got no job, why you don't hire them?

Then the gobermen set up website for us to check if we selected or not. But we complain. Got no internet connection, how to check?

Then people say that the website not working. Sure must complain. No internet connection, never mind, but website must work. Otherwise Singapore laugh at us. Then we cannot laugh at their Newater anymore. Then where got fun?

Then we find out got SMS service to check, but must pay 2 ringgit. So we complain. Who make all the money? People doan wan to use SMS, their problem. I got new handphone, sure I use lah.

Then we are told that we cannot contact NS trainee for 3 months. This one must complain. How to find out if they are behaving in camp? Who's to know they are not watching unofficial VCD together with trainer?

According to this New Straits Times article, the M.C.A. party recruitment drive targeting young Chinese professionals is going to be an uphill task.

To quote the article:

Only 45 per cent, or 3,950 answered in the affirmative when asked "If you are a Chinese professional, would you join MCA?".

Of course it is an uphill task. The problem is that many people think that the M.C.A. stands for Money Come Afterwards.

Afterwards?
Hell, no....we want it NOW!

Over the weekend, during my battle with the flu, I had the opportunity to catch up on my newspaper reading. While reading the Star article on cartoonist Reggie Lee who was described as a "47-year-old Penangite", some aged-old questions came to mind.

Why are people from Penang called Penangites and not Penangese?
And why are people from Kelantan called Kelantanese and not Kelantanians?
Easy....because we don't have a standardized naming system.

Some years ago, a few colleagues and I decided we would do our bit for our country by designing a proper naming system. That was supposed to have been our national contribution. Under our new naming system, we would not use the name of the towns. Instead, we would describe the people by using an item that the town is famous for. The idea was that people would be able to know more about a town than just its name. Also, we would no more use illogical endings such as "....ese"," ....ites" and "....ians". We would use "heads" instead.

This was how the new system worked: Penang was famous for its belacan. So, under the new naming system:

Penang people were called Belacan Heads.
Melaka people were called Cincaluk Heads.
Ipoh people were called Pomelo Heads.
Camerons people were called Cabbage Heads
Pangkor people were called Fishheads
Taiping people were called Wet Heads
KL people were called Twinheads
Genting people were called Picture Heads

It was a fantastic system. We thought we had a winner that would soon see us getting datukships. Not that we were angling to get honorific titles of course, as we only intended this to be a national contribution.

However, like all systems, we always had idiots who would not play by the rules. We had a guy who came from Kemaman where the Perwaja Steel mill was sited. Under the new naming system, he should have been called a "Steel Head". But this guy had a huge ego and thought rather highly of his male equipment. He wanted us to call him "Steel Dick" instead. But then, that would have thrown our new system haywire. We finally compromised by calling him a "Dick Head". That didn't please him either.

And then there was this fat lady colleague who came from a northern Malaysian town which I forgot the name. Apparently, it was very well known for its fighting cocks. She was so totally pissed off whenever we referred to her as a "Cock Head".

The boss said that we must have been too free to think up systems like that. The following week, he piled us in work so deep you couldn't see our heads. With that, the new naming system died a natural death.

These two gals were spotted taking part in an anti-Bush rally as reported in nakedprotesters.com.

The placard stated that the gals had shaved off their pubic hair and there is no more bush on their "lower lips". But then, how do we know that these girls actually did what they claimed they did? Where was the proof? Isn't it rather idiotic to carry a placard like that while walking around fully clothed? Any decent self-respecting protestor would have shown off their shaven "lower lips" in order to drive home their point. These gals lack credibility.

Now how would George Bush react? If I were George Bush, and if I happened to come face to face with these two gals, this is what I would have said:

"Hey wait! I can read this placard! None of the words are more than six letters long!....mmmm....mmmm...Heh heh.....ladies....don't you have to be nekkid to say things like that? You need to prove your creditcardity, no, krediboolity, no, crodi......oh fuck it! Just hold up your skirts so that I can talk to those lips!"

You know what?
I don't think I'm really presidential material.

Recovering from the cold nicely. The fever is gone. A side effect of the medication has caused me to develop an unhealthy preoccupation with Bush-related news.

I came across a site with pictures of scantily clad girls in it. Right across the top were these words:

"You don't have to be beautiful to hate George W. Bush ...but you've sure have to be ugly to like him."

The site was soliciting donations for an anti-Bush campaign. It was obviously a scam to make money but I was still impressed by the concept of combining a dislike for Bush with the liking for pictures of beautiful girls to get their point across. This will hit the horny guys who hate Bush with a double whammy, and before they know it, they would have made a contribution to the website by Paypal. Now why didn't I think of this scam before? Oh...now I remember....I'm an upstanding moral upright paragon of virtue who would not resort to such underhanded tactics just to make a couple of million bucks.

I would like to thank all those people who wished me a speedy recovery in yesterday's comment section. (That's right....all zero of you!) I know that even though you did not type down your good wishes, you must have thought of it. After all, it is the thought that counts. I just want you kind people to know after I recover, I will be having a fantastic vacation in a seaside resort. While drinking fruit juice under a coconut tree and watching bathing beauties go by, I will be THINKING of sending you plane tickets to join me. And you better accept that it is the thought that counts!


This has been a community service message sponsored by the side effects of Viewtru's medication.

Must have caught a cold. So all I am doing today is just sleep, sleep and sleep. Wasn' t going to blog, but this Yahoo news story about Bush wanting to explore the moon caught my attention. I just couldn't resist adding my own explanation to it.

Now why does Bush want to explore the moon? We all know that there is nothing much there. But we know that Bush has a problem with credibility. He hasn't had much success in finding Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Holy shit, that's it! He's going to search for them on the moon!

'Tis the season to be jolly.

I do not belong to any religion anybody on earth has heard of, because I have not given it a name yet. I have relatives from various religions, including those who worship the big-eye-small-eye Mercedes. Some of my relatives are Christians. Which means that I have to go shopping for Christmas presents for them at this time of the year on account that I do have a regular salary.

Nephews and nieces just do not understand your other financial priorities, and come what may, they gotta have their Christmas presents. Of course, this is not that complicated except that I have nephews and nieces who are non-Christians. So when they see their Christian cousins getting presents from me, the may think that I love them less(the non-Christian ones). When you have relations of varying religions, you want to tread very carefully where the kids are concerned. Which means, I would go out and buy Christmas presents for the non-Christian nephews and nieces as well. At their age, they want everything....Christmas gifts, duit Raya, Ang Pow, irregardless of whether it is their religious entitlement or not.

And gee, where did they get the idea that their tyrannical uncle is a Santa Claus in disguise? For some freaky reason that no one in the family can comprehend, they tend to gravitate towards me. It's not that I never tried to put a distance between myself and them. When they are around, I would try to be as uncool as possible, and do inconveniently messy stuff like cleaning out the fish tank. That doesn't stop them however. They will descend on me like a swarm of locusts, watch what I am doing for minute, and using some hidden signal, the interrogation will begin. And they always start with the same question:

"What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to drown the fish."

"Why?"
"To see if they taste better that way."

"How come your fish so small one?"
"Because I switched off the air pump....so they have deflated a bit."

"Why this fish shit so long one?"
"This one hasn't been shitting for a month. It's making up for lost time."

"Why that fish swim upside down one?"
"That one is imported from Down Under. Australian fish must swim upside down to be rightside up."

"Yeeechhh...Why your fishfood not nice to eat one?"
"You have to eat it with fish sauce. Have some more."

"Fish got kok or not?"
Be careful with this one. There is always a smart alec kid trying to test out his new-found vocabulary on you. Even though I would love to, I could not wash out his mouth with soap because I was not his parent. And trust me, you don't wanna answer this question with a "Yes". That would lead to a situation you won't be able to handle. The politically correct answer is a "No". Go with it.

"No lah...fish got no kok. They reproduce by cellular division."

"How come you know so much about fish one?"
"Because I eat them alive. I catch one of these suckers and pop them in my mouth.......and chew."

"Eeeewwwww!!!!! You so krever, uncle! You are our very best uncle, lah!"

Here it comes. When kids tell you that you are their very best uncle, it invariably means that they are trying to wangle something out of you. Their cunning little minds are figuring out how much to take you down for. This calls for a military manoevre.

First, I would try to deflect them with Tai Chi.
I would quickly suggest to them to pester some other auntie or uncle instead, but they would reply "Doan wan!" just as quickly.

Well, Tai Chi didn't work. Time to roll out my secret weapon: threats.
I would then threaten them that if they do not let me work in peace, they would not be getting any more presents from me in future. Big mistake. I fell into their trap without knowing it. They promptly left me alone, but that would also mean that I have committed myself to keep on buying presents for them in the future. Damn! Should have seen that one coming.

I have one niece who is older, but still studying. She is growing up to be quite a pretty girl. When she was a younger kid, she could wangle anything from any uncle. She was the Master of the Game that would put any Sidney Sheldon character to shame. Now that she is bigger, she has become more sedate. Every time she visits me, she would save her pocket money to buy me chocolates. This totally embarrasses me. She ought to know that I would not love her less even without the chocolates. The strange thing is that she never buy stuff for the other uncles. Kids.....who can understand them?

It's time to clench my ass, whip out my wallet, say "Hohoho", and go shopping for Christmas. Come rain, shine or hellfire, I will make sure that my nieces and nephews have my presents.
After all, they already have my love.

Today's article is somewhat tasteless in nature. but since we have already established the fact two days ago(through very extensive calculations) that nobody(nobody normal, that is) reads my blog, I may as well blog what I like. Before I forget, I would like to thank that 20-something Piscean female called Ted(yeah, you heard right) for offering to loan me her calculator. When people are willing to loan you stuff for something as mindless as this, it does show that the Raya spirit is alive and kicking.

Puritans, please read no further. As for the rest of you paragons of virtue(yeah...right!), look what I found in the Sun Newspaper archives in U.K.


Wow! A Hulk doll! How cool! And how anatomically correct!!!!!

But guys, this is the sort of thing that you don't want to buy for your kid sister for Christmas if you want to avoid total embarrassment. Imagine if you had, and your sister starts fiddling with the male appendage of the Hulk and asking you stuff like this:

"What is that ...ahhh?"
"Oh that's call a prick."
"Meaning...?"
"It's also known as a cock."
"Ohhh....you mean it's sort of like your deflated penis, only much bigger?"

Well, there you go. When your little kid sister starts to display superior technical knowledge, you know that it would be wise not to carry on the conversation any further. Better beat a hasty retreat while you can.

Parents too, may not fare much better in such a delicate situation.

"Mommy, thanks for the Christmas present. But what is that thing ...ahhh?"
"Er...that thing ah. That one you don't need to know lah."
"But I want to know. What is that?"
"That is nothing. Go ask your father!"

What a cop-out! How is a kid suppose to get a real education?
I remember I never did learn any of the important stuff from my mother.

So the little girl goes trotting to her father for clarification.

"Daddy. What is that ...ahhh?"
"Don't ask silly questions...go and play!"
"But mommy asked me to ask you!"
"What did mommy say?"
"Mommy said that was nothing."
"Hehe...of course that's nothing....your mommy has been spoilt! Now go and play!"


Well whadyaknow.....another cop-out!
Come to think of it, I never did learn any of the important stuff from my father either.

The only one left to turn to, is the elder sister. And so the questioning starts again.

"Sis, look what I got for Christmas!"
"Very nice."
"But what is that ...ahhh?"
"That's called a dick."
"How come I don't have one?"
"You don't need one."
"But shouldn't you have one?"
"I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to tell daddy and mommy okay?"
"Okay!"
"You know every Saturday night when I go to the university library to study?"
"Yeah..?"
"I actually go to wild parties where I can get as many of those as I want...."


Thank heaven for elder sisters. They explain so much better.

Great move, Pak Lah! I read with relish how this businessman was treated when he tried to potong jalan in order to see the PM. This has been blogged in Screenshots yesterday and it attracted the usual negative comments about capitalist cronyism. Of course, it was pretty obvious to me that the commentators were all non-cronies.

Actually, I have no objections to former cronies wanting to see the PM, but they must realize that we have a new administration now and things are not the same anymore. Former cronies should not try to jump queue, but instead renew their crony status through the proper channels. They must then avail themselves to a formal evaluation process to members of a Crony Oversight Panel(COP) formed under the Accountable Crony Act(ACA). That's right, we're gonna hold them accountable from now on under the new administration. Any businessman who is uncomfortable with this should just drop out of the business world and leave the field to us younger people who are willing to follow the rules.

Let us be realistic about this. In all societies, there will be cronies. I am not against the idea of cronies as long as I one of them. After all, I consider it my higher calling to become obscenely rich. (I am already indescribably obscene, so I may as well complete the natural process and become rich.) As such, I have decided to send in my application to become a crony under the new administration, following the proper channels of course. For all of you freeloading crony-wannabes who want to make a copy, here is my draft application with all those unnecessary seven-letter words edited out:


Dear sir,

Application to become a crony

It is with great pleasure that I write this letter of application to become a crony. My current career is heading in the direction of the sewers so I thought that a change might do me good. To show the extent of my ambition, I wish to inform you that I do not want to become just an ordinary crony. I want to become an official crony, with an official title and an official car. I do not know what the work of a crony involves, but I am sure it must be good. I will be perfectly honest in admitting that I do not have any prior experience in being a crony, but that does not mean that I am completely devoid of skills. As my mother will be able to testify, I am particularly gifted in handling money, especially other people's money. My skills are such that no sum is too big for me to handle.

Furthermore, I am proud to reveal that I am a man of action. My advantage is that I am able to act fast without getting bogged down by unnecessary thinking. My former teachers in my previous school(already burned down to the ground) will be able to testify to my unbelievable ability to act without thinking. In this respect, they unofficially termed me as a "fucking genius". I got this unofficial title right immediately after the school burned down. If you want some action, any action, then I am the person you should consider.

I hope that the fact that I am seldom bogged down by thinking does not imply that I am fucking stupid. My former classmates show the utmost respect for my intelligence, and have been known to describe me as "fucking brilliant"(again, after the school burned down).

I shall, of course, be most happy to attend an interview at any golf course or karaoke lounge at any time convenient to you. As befitting the actions of a responsible future crony, the costs of the interview, including green fees, drinks and hostesses' tips, shall be borne by me entirely.

Thanking you in eager anticipation, I remain,


Yours sincerely

Viewtru

"Majulah Crony Untuk Negara"

Every now and then I feel compelled to remind the thundering hordes who visit this blog(meaning all three of you) that what I write should not be taken too seriously. Of course, most of you(meaning just you two) have already figured that out by yourself, but I thought that it would still be the decent thing to do to remind you in case you do forget. I write to amuse myself, and if it amuses you as well, then fine. But if you are not amused and yet you cannot find a sane logical reason for being here, this will thoroughly amuse me no end. Gosh, I am wicked, am I not?

I do admit that I have the tendency to sprout inane bullshit from time to time, but at least I know that you do exercise your better judgement, and weigh the facts, before taking me seriously. You do, don't you? I like to think that I am far better than the many local politicians, who sprout unbelievably inane bullshit, but expect, nay, DEMAND that you take them seriously. What is more astonishing is that they actually have followers who exalt and deify them mindlessly. (Go figure)

Is there anything at all about which I am serious about? Sure there is! I still seriously intend to get obscenely rich! And I bet some of you do as well! Well, good luck to you, you avaricious pricks.

All right, if you had guess that my half-assed T-shirt venture is not going to net me any orders, you would have guessed correctly. I know that my T-shirt designs were not fucking stellar, but that is no reason to think that the venture would not succeed brilliantly, would it? It would have been pretty nice if someone had actually called up and asked for the price of a lorryload of my stuff, or even haggled for three free towels instead of two. I mean, if people in Ipoh are willing to spend RM34,000 for a new parking meter, then surely I cannot be faulted in thinking that people will buy just about anything! If such is the logic pervading in this country, then why is it that nobody has beaten a path to my door yet to even ask to see a sample of my product? What is it that is still lacking? In the midst of my analysis, this sobering thought came....I lack "crony" status.

You know what? I need to get myself cronyfied.

I did not receive any orders for my T-shirts yesterday on account of it being a Sunday, and of course, nobody works on Sundays. Today is a Monday, and is therefore a working day. I find myself sitting by the phone waiting in eager anticipation for the shiploads of orders to come in. As such, there is nothing to post for the moment.

Meanwhile, for the multitudes(that's right, all three of you) who have been visiting my blog to get your daily dose of recommended reading by your doctors, I would suggest that you visit Michael Ooi's blog. This guy, from Penang, has a way with American slang that is not possible to pick up by just watching TV. And can he write! Very, very few Malaysian bloggers can string together plain English words the way he does and still produce an impactful sentence without sounding incoherant. Don't worry if he does not make too much sense to you. I guess that if it does not bother him, then it shouldn't bother you either.