Wednesday, March 31, 2004


Of Irish pubs and state representatives

I occasionally read the Star paper just to see what kind of trashy stories it has to offer for its expensive RM1.20 price, and I saw this on page 39:

Irish smoking ban takes hold in pubs

Apparently, the Irish government has banned smoking from all pubs and bars in an effort to cut down on national smoking. Pubs and bars are the top recruiting ground for young smokers and if people do not smoke in pubs and bars, then they are less likely to take up nicotine addiction. They may have a point. The only time I smoke is when I am in a pub. Once outside the pub, I don't smoke at all. I have never been inside an Irish pub so I am not sure what the environment is like. An European once told me that if I want to know if I am inside an Irish pub, I would just have to turn the pub's beer mug upside down. Because written on the bottom side of the mug would be the instructions, "Please drink from the other end."
I am sure he was joking.

On another note, the MIC has barred its elected representatives from frequenting pubs and bars. I wonder why. Have they been getting drunk and disorderly in the pubs in the past?
And oh...Sammy also said, " They orso cannot ask for land from state garmen for their own use and should not be involved in business ventures."

Hahahahaha!!! Like it is gonna stop them. What's to prevent them from saying to the state government, "The land not for me, dah.....I am an honest's for mah son....."


Tuesday, March 30, 2004


Datuk "crime boss", J.P.

This was reported in the Malay Mail.

The arrest last Friday of the crime boss who ran a multi-million ringgit vice and gaming syndicate has sent shockwaves through the underworld as the suspect was believed to be an "untouchable" by his business associates and followers.

Well, I thought, this is nothing fantastic. The average Malaysian will not come into contact with illegal vice and gaming. Now if there is a mass arrest of handbag snatchers and housebreakers, then I would have been much more impressed.

But then I read the article some more and saw this:

The crime boss, believed to have received the Justice of Peace award in 1999 and Datukship the following year, is widely known in business circles and the underworld.

Now that is a revelation. The crime boss got a datukship? And a Justice of Peace as well? Was it for meting out street justice to those who could not pay their gambling debts? Or was it for keeping the peace between rival crime syndicates?

It's getting so that whenever I see a Datuk or JP, I figure that they must have done something bad to deserve the title.

If doing bad things is a pre-requisite in getting these titles, then of course I can qualify. Let me see.....I must have done quite a few bad things myself. When I was a kid, I would peeked to see what colour panties my teacher was wearing. Of course, this is possible only on those occasions when she was wearing panties. And after school, I would go break bricks for fun in nearby construction sites. Then, there was a time I painted an illegal "No Parking" sign on a public road. Gosh, I was bad! I deserve no less than a Tan Sri title.


Monday, March 29, 2004


Honest response to the new cabinet

The new cabinet received mixed reviews from the public. Many people are confused as to how this cabinet got so big. The PM's words "Yes (they are clean) because there is no case (against them) that they cannot be appointed," only added to the confusion. What, no case? Not believing what I read in the mainstream papers, I went to a more reliable source of news: the neighbourhood mamak stall.

Overhead in a mamak stall:

"I don't understand why some ministries are split in two?"

"What don't you understand?"

"I mean, why izzit the ministers not split in two as well?"

"Maybe because if you split them in two, you will have to deal with twice as many ministers."

"Yeah, that will be bad....very bad indeed! "

"Anyway, only a few ministries are split. Like the education one."

"Haiyah! E-decay-shown, you mean?"

"That's right....split into "E-decay-shown" and "Haiyah! E-decay-shown" ministries."

"Any other changes?"

"Some ministries got renamed."

"But why?"

"To make them sound better mah..."

"What's wrong with the old names?"

"Eh, you think names like Primate-in-those-trees ministry sound nice izzit?"

"Oh okay, what happened to the old primate?"

"He was losing energy, so got transferred to Energy ministry."

"What about the "How-sing-the-loco gahmen" ministry? Any change in name?"

"That one no change lah....maybe they think the old name is appropriate."

"Ya kah? Nemind, all these changes won't affect me anyway."

"Oh, will affect you a bit. New man in the Disinformation ministry now. From now on, all singers on TV will have to wear bow-ties."

"Ni na meh!"


Sunday, March 28, 2004


Big Chief no shit

I normally don't blog on a Sunday. But then, I normally don't read about having 14 new ministers on just any Sunday.

I have two questions about Pak Lah's new cabinet :
1) Is it getting too big and cumbersome?
2) Is it really an improvement, what with some old stale faces still around?

If you had watched the news on TV last night, you would have seen ol' Sammy sprouting praises to Pak Lah for letting him keep his old job. I did not get to see the responses of Fair Fida and Ol' Man Lim. Apparently all the BN chieftains got one post or another irregardless whether they can do the job or not. This country has a culture of rewarding party chiefs with a cabinet posts. I feel that the system can do with some major improvement. The job of running the country is too important to be left to politicians. There is nothing in our constitution that says that we have to give cabinet posts to party chiefs.

I am reminded of this story: There was once a Red Indian chief(or 'native American' if you like) who gorge himself and drank a lot. One day he found that he could not shit. So he sent a brave, Running Water, to inform the shaman(medicine man). Running Water rushed to the shaman's tepee and shouted,
"Big Chief no shit! Big Chief no shit!"

The shaman said that he can improve the situation and gave some "heap powerful medicine" to Running Water to take back to the Chief. The "heap powerful medicine" contained a laxative and the Chief was shitting in no time. In fact it was so "heap powerful" that the Chief could not stop shitting. He shitted his shit, intestines, organs and so on until there was nothing left of him except a pile of shit.

Running Water went rushing to the shaman again and screamed, "Big shit no Chief ! Big shit no Chief !"

The shaman smiled and said, "Heap powerful improvement already!"


Friday, March 26, 2004


Sabah politikus

And I thought I don't want to blog about the elections no more. Tried to take my mind off politics and focus on sex instead. Even took one day off from blogging. But damn, I'm back again. Just could not resist. Since when is politics better than sex? I must be becoming less shallow.....WTF! You spend your life trying your darndest to become a shallow bullshitting free-living spirit and what happened? Along came politics and elections.

Okay, let's get on with it. Many of the political stories in West Malaysia actually pale in comparison with that in Sabah. There, the BN is its own biggest opponent. The high number of independent candidates can possibly be attributed to one BN component party fielding an independent candidate against another BN component party. The bad feeling between two BN component parties, the LDP(former Sabah Chief Minister Chong Kah Kiat's party) and SAPP(Yong Teck Lee's party) is almost legendary.

In the recent 2004 elections, the Sandakan parliamentary seat was won by an Independent candidate Chong Hon Ming against Datuk Lau of the BN component LDP.

How did an Independent win in an area that is a known BN stronghold? Was he supported by SAPP supporters? It's an interesting question that begged to be answered. A little birdie told me that the Independent, Chong Hon Ming, has close ties with SAPP leaders. What does that tell you? It is just a matter of time before this Independent MP apply to join a BN component. Unless there is a major surprise, I don't think we need to guess which BN component party he would want to join. Right now in parliament, he will sit together with Lim Kit Siang and company. But not for long.


Wednesday, March 24, 2004


Thinking of more important matters

I'm tired of talking about the elections today. My mind has migrated to other more important matters. Thought I might as well share them with you.

The most romantic thing a guy can say to a gal:
"Darling, as long as I have a face, you will always have a place to sit."

And the least romantic thing?
"Get a move's not going to suck itself you know..."


Tuesday, March 23, 2004


Voting for myself and feeling good

I voted for myself in this election.

Why did I do it? Well, I did not like the incumbent turkey who was running again. I did not think highly of the monkey from the opposition camp who appeared out of the blue only around election time. Basically, I had to choose between a turkey and a monkey.

On Sunday morning, I went to cast my vote. None of the political workers approached me for any last minute "advice on how to vote". Perhaps they could sense my take-no-prisoners mood. Had I been approached by any one of them, I would have asked, "Excuse me....which "key" is your candidate? Turkey, monkey or dickey?"

But, no....everything went uneventfully, except for the fact that when the election official announced my name as I collected the ballot paper, I answered, "Huh? What?"
She tittered politely.

I went to the ballot booth and drew this on the ballot paper:

I'm not joking...I actually voted myself. And they were right about feeling good.



Monday, March 22, 2004


The Message.

PAS got a very strong message this time: that you cannot sell seats in heaven and hope to get away scot-free. How else can you explain such a big swing in electoral votes? Places in heaven is decided by heaven, and not whether you vote PAS or not. Any idiot claiming to have special tickets to heaven is going to get some divine reminders not to make such claims.

Even if PAS forms the Kelantan state government now, it will not be at peace. It's troubles are just starting. Some of the candidates are quite old and sickly because Nik wanted to have his own candidates. He better hope all of them remain healthy till the end of their terms, because anybody dying in office will result in a bye-election that will be fought tooth-and-claw. peace for Nik for the next five years.


Friday, March 19, 2004


My voting dilemma

I remembered my mother telling me how she once voted. She did not know any of the candidates. So she marked the cross for ALL of them. Her explanation was that she wanted to be fair. Well, she was fair all right, although definitely not effective. And since she told me and my sister about it, it was no more a secret vote either.

I am in a dilemma of sorts. I have not yet made up my mind on which way to vote for the member of the state assembly in my area. The incumbent is an idiotic ugly-looking creature who looks like this:

"Gobble gobble..."

Well, actually the picture has been retouched to make him look a lot less ugly. I don't want my readers to puke all over their keyboards. That would be so messy. But there is only so much that a software can do. That guy is a fucking jerk and the whole neighbourhood knows it. He dare not campaign alone because he knows that we hate his guts. So he is always going around with the more popular candidates in his party. He's certainly not getting my vote.

However, I am not impressed with his political opponent either. If I really cannot make up my mind about this, I may just end up writing these three little words on the ballot: "Oh, fuck off."

At least that gives the returning officers something to read. Breaks the monotony of counting votes for sure.


Thursday, March 18, 2004


Circus of hypocrisy

I love the elections. It is the only time when one does not have to go to town to see the circus. No, the circus comes to us instead. The oddest things do happen during election time is election time. The Star reported today that Chinese PAS supporters are serving beer to non-muslims in their operations room in Kuala Terengganu. Beer? Isn't that a cheap drink? Surely PAS can do better than that? If they want my vote, they gotta serve nothing less than XO. I am not much of a beer drinker. Heck, I don't even like beer. But I like beer drinkers. Their personality improves once they have a glass or too. And their looks improve as well.

There is a Seremban politician who claims that "Hard work will win over looks anytime."
Oh, since when? Hard work wins only some times. Often, the one who wins is the one with the bigger boobs. Oh wait, that could be true. She may have worked hard to get bigger boobs. In that case the saying ought to be "Hard work on your looks will win anytime."
Damn.....I'm giving free English lessons again.

Politics is about power and money. Make no mistake about that. Then why are the names of our political parties not representative of their true intentions? They should take a leaf out of the books of this Indonesian party, the Justice and Prosperity Party. Now that is telling it like it is. No need to be hypocritical about it. Let us have names we can relate to, like "Financial Power Party" or "Abundant Wealth Party". No need to beat around the bush. What, do I have to think of everything?


Wednesday, March 17, 2004


No good reason for Gerakan to exist

Is there any good reason for the continued existence of Gerakan? I think not. When it comes to taking an independent stand, Gerakan is not in the same league as MIC or MCA. Umno may push MIC and MCA around, but it knows it should not shove too hard. With Gerakan, it is different. Gerakan is totally subservient to Umno and is so bland and without character it may as well be brain dead.

Gerakan claims to be multiracial, but it is fishing only for the Chinese vote. It is Umno that needs Gerakan more than our multiracial society needs this party. Gerakan is useful to Umno as a pressure on MCA. This was the "divide and conquer" policy of the previous administration. Although few people will be willing to say it, the biggest threat to MCA for the past twenty years has never been the DAP but rather Gerakan. And because MCA has been effectively muzzled by the Umno-Gerakan combination, there has been nobody of sufficient stature left to check the excesses of Umno. And it is these excesses that led to the rise of PAS.

The Chinese should either vote for MCA or the Keadilan/DAP opposition. Voting for Gerakan is a disservice to Malaysian society. Yes, I am calling for the total disappearance of Gerakan from the political scene. It is harsh operation, but necessary.


Tuesday, March 16, 2004


Socialism in Kelantan

In today's posting, I have chosen to have my say about the injustice meted out to Dr Syed Husin Ali of Parti Keadilan Rakyat.

The hostility of PAS towards Dr Syed Husin Ali when Dr Syed wanted to contest the Kota Baru seat in Kelantan is something nobody in his right mind can understand. The explanation given by the PAS meteri besar Nik Aziz is that Dr Syed is a socialist. So what about it?

I am unable to decide what the problem is with Nik Aziz: diabolical hypocrisy or plain dumb ignorance. Isn't Malaysia more or less a socialist country? Malaysia's system is closer to socialist Sweden than to capitalist America. Try to deny that......if you can.

You want proof? The FELDA scheme is run along lines of socialism: the state owns the land and the worker toils for a share of the takings. If Nik Aziz feels so strongly against socialism, why didn't he shut down the FELDA schemes in Kelantan?

The treatment meted out to Dr Syed Husin Ali was most unfair and unjustified. Dr Syed is one of the few politicians in the country of good moral character and sense. It is a pity he ended up not running for elections.

Nik Aziz has a lot to answer for. He has come up with more strange ideas in the past than I wish to remember. It is high time that he be replaced as Mentri Besar of Kelantan. I do not care for a politician who gives other people hell in order that he can earn his place in heaven. Too bad Ah Nik, because Heaven does not operate that way.


Monday, March 15, 2004


No nomination day

Wow, what a hectic weekend. To start with, I got my nomination rejected because I wanted to use my unapproved sure-win butt-kicking logo. Those idiots at the nomination centre wanted me to use the umbrella symbol instead. Umbrella symbol? Oh come on, that is so uncool!

Why do they make every independent candidate use the umbrella symbol? The other symbols available such as telephone, key, ant's dick, etc are even more teruk.

I refused to budge from my political stand of course. Winning is not everything.....but looking cool sure is everything. What am I....shallow? When they asked me what my symbol stood for, I showed them my middle finger. They didn't like my method of explanation either.

So I pulled out from the elections with dignity.
However, my supporters did not have that much dignity.
One of them kept shouting "Foock yew" at the officials.
The ang moh char bor singer shouted "ka-ni-ne" at them.
The topless cheerleader squad mooned them.
A passing bystander grabbed the bazooka and fired a few rounds up their asses.

One Jedi master, whom shall not be named, exclaimed,
"Asses open flower.....
Pretty sight, it be not.
Better Hat Yai, go we.
While some daylight still got."

That hamsup Jedi had a point. So we took everything with us(including the sampan) to Hat Yai for the weekend.

I have to thank everybody who supported my nomination. And I thank the members of the press who faithfully followed me around to see some action. And don't worry, I won't tell your editors what you did in Hat Yai.


Saturday, March 13, 2004


Nomination Day checklist

Today is Nomination Day for the elections. This is the day when political parties go to the nomination centres with their supporters and demonstrate their show of strength. This is the day you can see a lot of ugly faces at one spot.
It's all very juvenile really, when all they need to do is to hand over their nomination forms. Still, in order to be prepared for any eventuality, I compiled a checklist:

* Nomination papers - checked
* Holy water - checked
* Jedi bodyguards - checked
* Topless cheerleader squad - checked
* Tongkat Ali - checked
* Bazooka - checked
* Laser-guided missile- checked
* Global positioning device - checked
* Sampan(in case got flood) - checked
* Maggi Mee - checked
* Coconuts(to throw at opponents) - checked
* Lucky underwear(to ensure the aim is good) - checked
* Minyak cap kapak(in case missed the opponents) - checked
* Popcorn(for the spectators) - checked
* Ang moh char bor singer(to entertain crowd) - checked
* Condoms - Not yet buy

There....almost all set!

I just need to stop at the nearest Seven-Eleven for packets of items.


Friday, March 12, 2004


Viewtru's Penang campaign speech

I was never comfortable in making speeches. So when I realised that I had to make some sort of campaign speech in Penang, I shitted brick. What can I say to a bunch of char koay teow eaters? Then I realised that I am also a char koay teow eater. Ho say liaw. I'll just say whatever comes to mind and pretend that nobody is listening.

"People of Penang....nthia wa kong....
Every night you hear the TV telling you "choose feel good, choose to vote". How to feel good? The PORR project is so sian. Such a big contract and they don't consult you thoroughly. Sure you tu lan. I orso very tu lan. Such a big contract and they don't even award any portion to me. What is the meaning of this? But never mind. Wa ka li kong. We are going to vote new people in. And make some people lose their deposits. And then we get hold of these si noong kia who simply awarded the project and make them sweep the Penang bridge everyday with toothbrush.

Look at Penang city. What is there to be proud of? So what if it is the twin city of Adelaide. Very great izzit? Na many of you have been to Adelaide? Nobody. How many of you have been to Hat Yai? Everybody! Then why izzit Hat Yai is not the twin city? Ni many Penang people spend so much energy to improve relations with the women of Hat Yai and what happened? They ignore Hat Yai completely. Wah peh....this is too much leh. When I get elected I will make Hat Yai the twin city so that we can have proper international relations. People tell me that many of you have been going to Hat Yai over the weekends for improper international relations. Don't worry.......proper or improper, who can say? Lim peh give you all the title of "goodwill relations ambassadors". This is to reward you for all the hard work you have put in. And you can put the title in your name card. Ho say boh?

I got something for the women too. Especially for busty women who have si beh tua neh neh. If you read my manifesto, you will know that they can get a tax rebate. Those who don't have si beh tua neh neh don't complain lah. It's fair what. They have to carry around all those extra weight in front. Summore have to buy bigger bra size. Wash also must use more soap. You think soap cheap izzit?

I dunno what's wrong with our education system but the standard of English is dropping. Everybody knows that but no action taken. Usual lah..... Ni nao hiah. Improve the English they orso cannot do then what are they the bloody good for? I will give free English classes if elected. I first teach you how to use cool swear words like "fuck" or the unofficial Hokkien version "foock". From now on we will use more "foock" and less "ka-ni-ne". Then after that we can tell the officials not to "foock" with us no more.

What kind of society we are living in, I ask you? The price of everything is going up. Everything go up, never mind. But Viagra price go up, where can?. If elected, I will make sure that Viagra become duty free. If Air Asia can bring down the cost of flying, surely we can also bring down the cost of Viagra. We just need to market the product better.
Air Asia say, "Now, everyone can fly."
So we say, "Now everyone can become teng khok khok."

I make you feel good or not? Then give me your vote. No need to go and listen to my opponents. They all si beh ugly one. Many of them have backsides for faces. You listen to them you will surely faint. Maybe can die orso. If you want to feel good then you vote for me. After I win, we will go to Hat Yai to celebrate big big."


Thursday, March 11, 2004


I'm standing in Penang

I've decided to stand for elections in Penang. Why? Because that is where the action is. The PM, is running there. The Keadilan chief is running there. Karpal has run back from Selangor to run there. Yes, this is where it's happening this election. And I am a happening guy. I need to be in the thick of action.

And then there is the matter of divine signs which I cannot ignore. I remember that whenever I was in Penang, I would get a stand. Not that I get exceptionally horny in is just one of those things that happens.

I wake up in the morning in the hotel room and I would get a stand.
I go walking in the streets of Penang and I would get a stand.
I sit down to enjoy some Penang cendol and I would get a stand.
I go to the hotel pool and watch mat salleh women tanning and I would get a stand.

Okay, maybe that last example was not such a good one as many guys would also get an standing erection watching mat salleh women tanning. That's why they have cold showers installed around the pool....for guys like us. Now when my brains don't slide down to my dick, I can be quite an intelligent guy. My point is, I get a stand so often in Penang that I think it must be a divine sign telling me that it is my destiny to stand in Penang. Not just erectionally, but also electionally. So please try to understand my stand.

Penang was not my first choice. I had thought of contesting in Sungei Siput, but any idiot would be able to win there. Then my victory would be meaningless. No, I need to win in a more meaningful area and I want to win big.

As Yoda the Jedi advised,
"Win in Penang, you fucking do.
Victory otherwise, hollow it be.
Kick their silly balls in, you must!"

Shocking, ain't it? Who would have thought that the little short wrinkled alien could fight so dirty?

My hokkien is a bit rusty. So I spent some effort in brushing up on the dialect by saying "ka-ni-ne" a few times. I should be ready now. Watch out Penang, 'cos here I come!


Wednesday, March 10, 2004


My sure-win election Manifesto

Now that I have a sure-win logo, I can sit back and relax, goyang kaki a bit and generally goof off. After all, voters will automatically put the cross against my sure-win logo at the ballot box. But my niece said no. She said that I still do not have a manifesto. I told her that I don't need to fuck with no manifesto to win. (I didn't use such colourful language in her presense of course. Hey, I am a good uncle!)

She said, "It's not about winning. It's about looking cool. You don't want to be the only candidate without a manifesto, do you? That would be so uncool!"

She's right, you know. Winning is not everything. But looking cool sure is. Those who say that looking cool is not everything should not be allowed to be seen in public. My niece is a sweet little kid who may not be old enough to vote, but she sure know what our national priorities should be. I think I will make her my Campaign Director.

I need to project an image of being cool, hip and "with-it". So I came up with this manifesto. Now, I have put in a lot of thought in this manifesto(again while driving to work) and I do not think that I have left anything important out. I call it my Manifesto Magnifico. Will it get me supporto? No problemo!

Ladies and gentlemen.......I give you the Manifesto Magnifico ! :

1) Aspiring candidates for Parliament will have to face a panel of beauty judges to ensure that they are not too butt-ugly. Politicians with false hairpieces are automatically barred. If they can't be truthful about their hair, then they cannot be truthful in Parliament.

2) Universities will teach undergraduates the compulsory skills in getting a job, such as how to bodek the interviewer.

3) Under the new National Employment Policy, unemployed graduates will be retrained to become VCD sellers.

4) All illegal VCDs will have to undergo ISO9002 certification.

5) A national gigolo training centre will be set up to implement high standards in performance. We need to ensure that the country becomes the tourist destination of choice for women worldwide.

6) Boys serving in the National Service will be required to undergo a short spell at the new national gigolo training centre, so that they may be ready to do their service to the nation when the tourists arrives in hordes. That will be the true meaning of "national service".

7) Women with large bust sizes will be entitled to a tax rebate. This is to compensate them for having to carry around that extra weight.

8) Beaches on outlying islands will be declared as topless beaches.

9) Ten nude resorts will be set up for religious purposes. God make babies naked and therefore humans may not be meant to wear clothes. Citizens will be allowed to go to nude resorts for all sorts of religious reasons. However, people are expected to be totally nude, but will be allowed to wear a condom if the situation requires it. This only applies to people "fucking for religious reasons".

10) Oral sex will be heavily promoted to be the method of choice for family planning. Sperm banks will be set up in every town for women wishing to spit out the sperm. For every donation made, you get a bottle of free mouthwash.


Tuesday, March 09, 2004


I'm standing for elections

I've decided to stand for elections. That's right, you heard me. I said elections, not erections. Not everything with me is about sex. This decision did not come suddenly. I had thought long and hard about it while driving to work this morning. Actually, I was trying to think about sex, but I ended up thinking about the elections instead. Oh well, what the heck.....

There are only a few more days left to nomination day, so I have to quickly get my priorities in order. The first thing to do is to focus on the most important thing that will ensure my success in getting elected.
Is it a political manifesto based on the principles of good governance?
Is it strong financial backing from partisan business interests?
Or is it a capable team of ardent hardcore supporters?

Nah.....all these are really not important!

In matters like this, it is crucial to keep a cool head and concentrate on the most important thing that can win the election.......the logo.

So right away, I quickly designed my election logo to define my political stand.

(To be placed next to political opponent's poster.)

Don't worry if you cannot understand this logo. You people are not politicians so I don't blame you. Just allow a savvy political mind like mine to explain its political message to you. The middle finger signifies "Up yours!". Everybody knows that. Normally it should be pointing upwards. But local politicians are not normal people. Many of them bend this way and that way. So if I am going to stick it to them, I will have to angle the middle finger sideways. I have a devious mind, which is why I can become a good politician.

Note that the colour of the finger is red. This means that it is hot, like a red hot poker. When I stick this to my political opponents, they are going to feel the heat deeply. Muahahahahaha!!!!! I am such a badass. Welcome to the rough-and-tumble world of politics.

I have to remember to tell my supporters that there is no need to go around campaigning for me. With a sure-win logo like this, what is there to campaign?


Monday, March 08, 2004


5Star: Karpal's dilemma

There has been strong indications that DAP's Karpal Singh is running away from Penang to contest in Petaling Jaya for the coming elections. This has caused misgivings among both government and opposition supporters in Selangor.

Our 5Star reporter interviewed a PJ resident to get his view. We know of course that the 5Star, not being an MCA paper, is 5 times more independent than the nearest competitor.


5Star reporter : Do you support Karpal Singh standing for elections in Selangor?

PJ resident : In a way.....

5Star reporter : In what way ?

PJ resident : Far away.....


Saturday, March 06, 2004


Impossible is nothing

For the past few weeks, I have been watching this advertisement on TV that ends with the words,
"Impossible is nothing."

So I asked myself, "Is this correct?"

When I was in school, I was taught that "nothing is impossible".
Oh really?
Okay, try this: Invert yourself inside out so that what was previously inside is now hanging outside. What, you can't do a simple thing like that?

Okay, let's try something simpler. Try to lick your own eyebrows with your tongue and tell me if that is possible. What, not possible again?
Of course it is impossible! There are lots of things that are impossible. Whoever said that "Nothing is impossible" was an optimist with his head in the clouds.

Now, let us examine that TV statement "Impossible is nothing." Is this correct? If a thing is impossible, then it would not be done and it would not exist. And because it does not exist, it is not anything. Therefore, it is nothing. This concludes that "impossible is nothing".

No wonder kids spend so much time in front of the TV. Where else can they learn all the correct stuff?

And if you, through some evolutionary quirk, are the odd guy who can really lick your own eyebrows, I know a low budget film producer who can really use your talent as an upcoming attraction.


Friday, March 05, 2004


What I hate about voting

Three things I hate about voting:

* While deciding who to vote for at the ballot box, everyone outside can hear you scream.

* There is no section on the ballot paper where you can just tick "Fuck off".

* You spend 5 minutes queueing to vote, and then spend 5 more years trying to prevent the MP from screwing with you.

What I love about voting: err.....umm......I will have to get back to you on this one.


Thursday, March 04, 2004


Foul-mouthed parrot

I used to go to Sungei Buloh to look for plants. There was one nursery there that had a parrot which wished all and sundry, "Kung Hei Fatt Choy!". And it could wolf-whistle as well.

According to this piece of news, there is a parrot on the ship, the HMS Lancaster, that was so foul-mouthed that it could put even some humans to shame.

To quote the article,
In the past the bird has asked women to "show us your t*ts" and told top brass to "f*** off".

I always wondered why parrots have the ability to become great mimics. They don't seem to use this ability as a survival technique in the wild. Is this some sort of an evolutionary joke?


Wednesday, March 03, 2004


A piece of heaven for my vote

Political parties have been known to promise just about anything to the electorate in order to get their votes. There is nothing surprising in this as it is merely a more sophisticated form of prostitution. I love listening to election speeches because I get entertained by what is being prostituted in front of me. I have never been promised a passage into heaven before though, so this news article came as an eye-opener.

Oh wow! My vote can get me a place in heaven! Should I go for it?

I remember a story of an old man who died and went to heaven. He was stopped at heaven's gate because he was carrying his old TV. When he was asked why he needed the TV in heaven, the man replied, "It wouldn't be heaven without it."

Of course, like some other greedy souls, I can also be persuaded to vote for any political party if it can guarantee me passage into heaven. But wait....will there be a brand new shiny red Ferrari at my disposal when I get there? Because it just wouldn't be heaven without it. And I want to own it in ADVANCE right now.


Tuesday, March 02, 2004


Samy's extraordinary belief system

It is heartening to know that many veteran politicians will give way to a younger crop of people. This is the way society moves forward. Old blood makes way for new blood with new ideas. However, in this New Straits Times article, that Samy fella obviously has other ideas. To quote the article:

To a question if this would be his last election campaign, Samy said he would continue as long as he was needed.
"I'm only 66 and as I have said before, I believe I can continue working for much longer."

Say again, believe what?

Let me tell you a thing or two about beliefs.

A long time ago, people believed that the world was flat, but that did not make it true.
Many Malaysians believed they could get rich from empat ekor, but that did not make it true.
The BN gahmen believed they could not lose Terengganu in the last election, but that did not make it true.

So, come again, believe what?


Monday, March 01, 2004


People who don't vote

Three out of ten people eligible to vote do not exercise their right. Why don't they? Maybe it is because that some people have uh.....other priorities.

Overheard in coffeeshop:

Ol' coot: "I feel a big election coming."
Young buck: "Good for you, old man!"

Ol' coot: "I forgot when was the last time we had a big election."
Young buck: "Oh, I limember I had big election before bleakfast this morning."

Ol' coot: "Hey, wait...I'm talking about exercising your right!"
Young buck: "Hehe! Acherly, hor, I used my left hand! I lefthander mah....."

Ol' coot: "No, no, no! I mean when we mark the ballot paper."
Young buck: "Kinky! Normal people mark tissue paper only....."

Goodness me! Now you know why the remaining seven tenth of us get to determine the government we get.


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