Thursday, March 31, 2005


Sex with goats

“Children were not the only victims - in early 2001, two Jordanians were evacuated home with injured penises after attempting sexual intercourse with goats.”

This must be the weirdest piece of news I have read this week. It comes from this news article about the UN peacekeepers’ child sex scandal in East Timor.

Jordanians are Arabs, and if the internet is to be believed, the Arabs are not known for goat fucking although they are suspected to be heavily into camel fucking. A Google search on “Arab camel fuckers” turned out 11,300 documents.

Call me a cynic, but I find that idea hard to swallow.

A camel is quite a tall creature. In order to fuck the camel, the Arab has to stand on top of a stepladder. Should the camel shift its position, the camelfucker has to get down the ladder, reposition it behind the camel’s arse again, climb up the ladder to continue whatever he was doing, before the camel shifts another time.

Now, that is just not fucking practical.

A better technique would be to mount the stepladder on wheels. The camelfucker would have to call a few of his Arab friends from the nearest village to help wheel the stepladder into position behind the camel’s arse. Thus every time the camel moves, the team of ladder pushers just need to adjust the ladder’s position, while the camel fucker up the ladder keeps flailing away. This calls for considerable skill and teamwork. If it is coordinated well enough, the camelfucker should miss very few strokes. But if the technique is not carefully executed, the poor camelfucker may fall off the ladder a few times and injure his penis.

Frankly, I think it would be far easier to fuck a smaller animal......such as a goat. Maybe that’s what those two Jordanians thought.

But who would have thought that the penis can also get injured from goat fucking? I can’t help but wonder if their medical insurance would cover that event.

If you ask me, I think that fucking animals is just plain dumb.


Wednesday, March 30, 2005


And what wuz I doin' during this week's earth tremors?





Tuesday, March 29, 2005


Free SK-II sample

*This is an adult post. Please leave immediately if you are underaged.*

I have this irrational joy of watching commercials on TV. Not that I have a bizarre personality, but at times the TV programmes are so incredibly fucked up that the only thing to look forward to are the commercial breaks.

But I've had enough of the SK-II commercials on TV.

In one commercial, one woman comes on screen, swipe on some SK-II goo, and says "....pump pump pump...."

And in another SK-II commercial, another woman comes on screen to say "....toink toink...."

Just what in the glorious name of semantics are they trying to tell me?

I'm thinking of printing this T-shirt in response:


Monday, March 28, 2005


Do we need to be perfect?

There was this kid who, over the weekend, told me that nobody's perfect.

"What? Not even me?", I demanded.

The kid let out a sigh and said almost sorrowfully,
"Everybody is a sinner. Even you, my greatest hero, even you. But condemn yourself not for the shortcomings inherent in the nature of being human. Perfection is but an illusion and not attainable, you imperfect and flawed sinner. And desire you not for perfection, for such a quest leads to mental exhaustion and depression. The sense of powerlessness to change your fate can only end in hopelessness. Accept yourself as what you truly are."

Stupid kid. First he tells me I'm not perfect. Then he tells me I can never be perfect. I was already accepting myself as I was, before he came along.

Time for a second opinion.

I asked mom if she thought that I was perfect and she said "No".
Good. Mom is usually wrong about me.....which means that I may be perfect.

That made it a 1-1 draw.

Still, I wondered if I should at least make an effort to try to be perfect. But Yoda's words screamed telepathically to the back of my mind.

"Try not! Do, or do not! There is no try!
Every decision a cost it has.
Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Suffering leads to more suffering
Unclear your path is,
Hard it is to wait.
But wait you must, to see your way revealed."

Seriously, I don't think anybody can ever make out WTF the shortie grey alien was trying to say.

Look, if you are not perfect, then accept that you are not perfect, whatever that means. For all you know, you may be a perfect being, put on this earth in order to learn how to sin. Yeah....right.


Friday, March 25, 2005


Flogging gently

Do you know that prison officers can earn RM500 for each execution and RM10 for each stroke of the rotan administered?

No? Then read this BBC news article.

It’s not the most glamorous way to earn a decent day’s wages, but who am I to say what constitutes a decent career? People have to make a living.

According to the news, illegal workers who failed to leave the country after the amnesty period ended would be subjected to caning. I thought that meant that their asses would be whopped so hard their shit will slide out later like flattened pancakes.

Hence, that last sentence in the above BBC news article left me in SHOCK AND AWE:

“……….government has stressed that illegal migrants will be flogged gently in comparison with those sentenced for violent crimes.”

Flogged gently? Are we serious? Yeah, yeah, that ought to show ‘em.

Gee. I sure hope we didn’t traumatize them too much even with the gentle flogging. Not that I give a shit. But still, we wouldn’t want to start off another round of flag burning again, would we? These dipshits come here illegally, take jobs illegally, moonlight as snatch thieves and burglars, send money home……and when there’s a slight border disagreement with us, they herd themselves into a human snakeball and burn our national flag.

Lucky for them, their ambassador had the good sense to apologize for such screwed up behaviour. I was that close to summoning a couple of Kraken Sea Monsters to pay them an unscheduled visit.

If you would remember, just last month we showed that we meant serious business when we “asked them nicely” to leave, after extending the amnesty period like a gazillion times. If “asking them nicely” ain’t gonna work, I guess we’re gonna have to try our new “flogging gently” approach.

And hell, if we ever catch an illegal alien getting involved in some nasty shit like violent crime and then get sentenced to death, we’re gonna show him how serious we can be, by “killing him softly with his song”.

We are a good people.


Thursday, March 24, 2005


A dog is a responsibility first and a pet second.

It saddens me to read news about dogs attacking children.

So many people get dogs without understanding that dogs are responsibilities. They need to be trained. I mean training for the people. Oh, and for the dogs as well.

Have you noticed that Pit bulls, Rottweilers and German shepherds attack humans more than other breeds? Much(but not all) of the fault lies with the owners. But part of the fault also lies in the genetic makeup of the breed, something that many dog breeders are unwilling to admit.

I was once offered a FREE Rottweiler puppy through a friend, but I turned it down. I paid good money to get a mongrel puppy instead. Why? Because I have no way of knowing if the Rottweiler puppy was mentally sound.

The Rottweiler is not a breed that is suitable for every home. At the age of about one year old, they have been known to face-off their owners for leadership of the pack, and sadly, MANY DOG OWNERS BACK DOWN. This is an unhealthy situation and a sure-fire recipe for disaster later. When your dog growls at you, you should ALWAYS bare your teeth and GROWL BACK until it backs off.

Rottweiler ownership is not for the timid or busy person. The owner must be prepared to take on the ‘Alpha male’ role at all times instead of leaving everything to the maid. Obedience training is a must. This will help prevent the dog from challenging the owner for the ‘Alpha male’ leadership role once it gets big enough.

Rottweilers can get highly territorial in a small garden. A kid passing on the road outside can even make them feel that their turf is being challenged. That’s when children and old folks get attacked. After that the dog has to be put down. This is a sad familiar story that’s being played over and over again all over the world.

Forget what the pet shop people tell you. If you are ever offered a free Rottweiler puppy, accept only if you can tell that the puppy is mentally sound, and you are prepared to devote lots of time every day to its training and play, and you have enough lawyer friends to give you good legal advice in case things go horribly wrong.

Or get a pariah dog. My mongrel may not be the best looking dog in the world. But it is handsome in my eyes, and greets me happily when I get home from work. It gets on well with the snobbish family cat. On weekends, it accompanies me when I potter around the garden. A dog is family.


Wednesday, March 23, 2005


Citizen, Patriot or National Hero?

Can anybody tell me what’s happening to Proton, our National Car Project?

In 1999, its market share was 66%.
In 2004, its market share dropped to 44%.

Unbelievable. And AFTA is just round the corner.

The think-tank at Proton headquarters are probably pulling out their frizzled hair in panic-stricken desperation. Their reptilian cerebral centers have just gone into hyperdrive. And they’re starting to ask relevant questions, like whether there is a proven link between “Car sales” and “Quality”.

Look, if you are a decent person, you would stop this irrational questioning on the quality of Proton cars. As if quality is important in any product! Since when?

Okay, kiddo, it’s about time you find out what type of citizen you are.

Ordinary citizen: You shake your head in bewilderment when one of your friends buys a Proton car.

Patriot: You buy a Proton even when your friends are shaking their heads in bewilderment.

National Hero: You go hitchhiking and insist on getting into Proton cars only.

A word to the wise: not everybody can become National Heroes.

Model citizen Chin Tu Lan tried it for one day under the scorching sun.
But no Proton cars stopped for him. Zero. Kosong. Eee-lech
I’m thinking of recommending him a good plastic surgeon.


Tuesday, March 22, 2005


Flippant post

You know that I must have too much time on my hands when I start to ponder shit like this:

If the inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes, and to “Germinate” is to become a naturalized German, then Hungarians must be hungry. Either that or well-hung.


Monday, March 21, 2005


The objective of STPM is to pass people?

How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the examinations of the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently?
When during your grandfather’s time only 10% would have passed?

Are students getting smarter? Or are STPM questions getting easier?

Let me put things in their proper perspective.

During your grandfather’s time, they would ask exam questions like:

In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka?

The correct answer was “1402”, and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly. This didn’t go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people.

I mean, what’s the point of having exams if people fail?

So later, they found another way to ask the same question:

Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer.

The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tact a few years later.

Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year1402. True or false?

Well, half of the students guessed “True” and the other half guessed “False”. Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now.

Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country.The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:

Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402."
Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka.

60% underlined “Parameswara”, 30% underlined “Proton-Iswara” and 10% underlined "1402". Hooiyoh......60% managed to pass! So krever!

But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented.
So last year, they came out with this gem:

One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?

13% handed in blank answers, 57% wrote “Maggi Mee”, and 10% wrote “Kentucky Fried Chicken”, and 20% wrote "Tree bark".
The official answer was “Food” of course!
After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed. that’s pretty impressive!

So it’s true. The students are indeed getting smarter.


Friday, March 18, 2005


Where's the beef?

Aaaaah, Friday! The best working day of the week with its unofficial long lunch break.

I seldom go to lunch with my colleagues because we don’t eat the same stuff. I've mentioned before that I don't eat beef, haven’t I? It’s not because I worry about been seen in public with my colleagues. Okay….that too!

My colleagues think that I don't eat cow because:

a) All my good friends look like cows.
Naaaaaaah.......whaddyamean by "All"?

b) I may become what I eat.
Naaaaaaah.......if that was true, I wouldn't be eating vegetables.

c) I may mutate Mad Cow disease to Mad Man disease. become mad even without help from cows.

Nope, those are not the reasons. In fact I don’t know the reason.

But if you want a reason, then I’ll give you a reason.

Cows eat almost anything. Big mammals(whales, horses, elephants etc) are usually quite fussy eaters. The only exception is the cow.

I mean, EVERYTHING tastes yum-yum to a cow. Then it gets ingested, digested and ultimately ends up as prime beef.

And cows are curious creatures.
You never know where their tongues have been.

Now, stop that!

Can you wonder why I don't order steak?


Thursday, March 17, 2005


Pareto Principle

Yesterday, we had a VERY IMPORTANT meeting at work.

It lasted one full hour.

I did not remember what was discussed, but I was told that it was on VERY IMPORTANT shit.

Yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn’t have slept right through it; otherwise I would have been in a position to tell you all about it. Every worthless detail of every useless crap that was being discussed by every clueless idiot. But I slept.

The sound of people getting up from their seats woke me up. Holy cow! Where did the one hour go?

The Pareto Principle states that in any meeting, 80% of the people will talk 20% of the time, and the remaining 20% of the people will talk 80% of the time.

But that didn’t happen. During our meeting, 1% of the people talked 100% of the time.

As for the remaining 99% of the people, they slept 100% of the time.

I wish these people wouldn’t sleep so much at meetings. Shouldn’t they be actively taking part in the discussions? What is the company paying these monkeys for? This was a VERY IMPORTANT meeting, dammit!
Besides, their snoring was keeping me from a decent hour’s slumber. My sleep was fitful at best and when I woke up, it felt like I had ONLY half an hour’s rest. That’s not right!!!

Definitely without a doubt, 99% of the people sleeping at meetings was way too much. We shouldn’t tamper with Pareto’s Principle. Not when it affects my relaxation period.

Poor Pareto. He did a lot of research, performed a shitload of studies and went to a whole lot of trouble to popularize the 80%-20% rule.

And we went and broke it.


Wednesday, March 16, 2005


The complaining colleague

My colleague complained to me that in ancient times, men do not live as long as women, but men were the undisputed head of the house.

Today, men still do not live as long as women and also, men are no more the undisputed head of the house. Every little thing has to go through the wife’s meticulous approval process.

Gee. It’s like the freaking liabilities are still around, but the compensating assets have gone.

My colleague added that it’s a good thing that men still retained the ability to get gloriously drunk.

But I hardly drink.

I looked at my colleague and realized that he had just spoilt my morning. Asshole.


Tuesday, March 15, 2005


Wedding ice sculpture

I was attending a weekend wedding dinner at a hotel and I noticed that there was an ice sculpture of two penguins in front of the wedding reception.

Penguins? Definitely unusual.

Usually, the ice sculpture would be in the shape of swans. Walk to any wedding dinner in a hotel and they would be there; a pair of beautiful ice sculpted swans with their fancy big wings, facing each other in eternal love.

Swans, I can understand. After all, they are associated with romance and affection.

But ice sculpted penguins? That I don’t get.
What are these Antartica birds supposed to represent?
The ability to survive when hell freezes over?
Or the ability to swallow fish whole in a freezing environment?

Not being one who would readily let go of a good mystery, I’m trying to guess WTF actually happened to the sculpture. Probably, the worker who intended to sculpt the swans used a bit more strength than he should, and in the process……*chip chip chip*……”khing khing khong khong”……..”@#$%@#$%!”........and one wing of the swan broke off.

What to do? Break off ALL the other wings and CHANGE the swan sculpture into penguin sculpture lah. Swan or penguin, who can tell the difference? Anyway, the ice would be sure to melt later, leaving no evidence of bad workmanship! So....*chip chip chip* again.....

I tell ya, the hotel worker gotta be the most creative guy in the world. He makes great stuff, even if he doesn’t make the right stuff. You go to a hotel, order mango lassi, and they bring you an orange juice, and tell you that it’s a peach cocktail. Sounds familiar?

Gee, I am losing focus here. Back to the topic on weddings.

A wedding, being a serious event, should have an ice sculpture that is auspicious, simple to make, and relevant to the wedding couple. You know what would be the most appropriate ice sculpture?

This simple shaped object 'Da Lighthouse on da Rocks':

ice sculpture

Now ain't that just da thang for weddings?

It is an AUSPICIOUS symbol of fertility, easy to sculpt with its LONG STRAIGHT LINES, and prepares the bride on WHAT TO EXPECT on the wedding night.

And you can’t get more relevant than that!

I'm thinking of writing a book on fresh intelligent wedding ideas.


Monday, March 14, 2005


Watching American Idol judges

I caught the American Idol on 8TV last Friday when they showcased the male contestants. Great batch of singers. Anthony Fedorov and Anwar Robinson should go far. This talented batch was definitely way better than last season’s batch. Way, way better!

Nikko Smith and Travis Tucker got voted out during this round.

Now poor Nikko could sing. I liked his rendition of the Ray Charles hit, “Georgia on my mind”. His problem was a certain lack of charm. The guy had as much charm as a housefly. As much charm as a dead fish lying on a cold ice slab. You get the picture. He’s just not the type of heartthrob wannabe who can pull in the votes.

And how did the judges find his singing?

Randy commented that there was good range to the voice.
Yo yo, what’s going down, Randy? That guy’s just been voted out of range.

Paula Abdul said, “I can’t imagine you not being in the top 12.”
Poor Paula. She never did have much of an imagination.

Simon Cowell said, “I think you’re going to do very well.”
Whadyamean you think? Where exactly were you when they were dishing out brains, Simon?

The other singer voted out, Travis Tucker, was more a visual entertainer than a singer. I did enjoy watching his moves, but he definitely wasn’t one of the better voices out there.

The judges got it right with this one.

Randy said, “For your pitch, I’ll give you a ‘D’.”
Ouch! We know that by ‘D’, he didn’t mean ‘Distinction’.

Paula said, “You’re unique to the competition!”
How true! Travis was voted out of the competition this round while the others stayed. Unique, all right.

Simon said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I thought that it was appalling!”
Oh.....come on Simon. Of course you meant to be rude! A wall of German tanks won’t be able to stop your sulphuric tongue! Holy cow, Simon, you can be fucking entertaining when you try to pass yourself off as an icon of pure politeness! Sheeeeeesh......!!!

I gotta pay less attention to the judges. It’s getting so that they’re warping my sense of impartiality. And they’re not that good looking either.

No comments on the girl performers this week. So far in the competition, they have not shown themselves to be as strong as last year’s batch(Fantasia and company) of female contestants. Give ‘em time. They may come through yet.

* Latest update on 15th March: Mario Vazquez has quit American Idol. Nikko Smith will replace Mario in the Final 12.*


Friday, March 11, 2005


Humans exist because God can’t die

This being the weekend, I thought I’ll write a post that is longer than usual.

Yesterday, I mentioned a bit about my religion. Although I am somewhat a semi-atheist, I might add that ‘tight skirts’ is only one of my many religions. I am an atheist who has more religions than the religious people.

Ya, that makes an awful lotta sense, I'm sure.

It does not really matter how many religions a person has, because frankly, all religions serve men and not God. Probably the only people who are able to see things from God’s point of view are the people who don’t worship God. Horror of horrors, that’s pretty ironic.

Okay, before you start thinking that I’m a bad person, consider this:

There are 3 words used to describe God: Omnipresent, Omniscient, and Omnipotent.

This means “Present in all things”. The only thing that is really present in all things is Space. Space is not nothing. It is something, but we just don’t know what it is. It’s a bit like staring at an empty computer screen and thinking that there’s nothing there. Of course the empty screen has to be something, otherwise the pixels will not be able to appear there later! The fact that we don’t see nothing doesn’t mean that it is nothing.

Now close your eyes and try to imagine empty space. You can’t, right? It is because of this limitation in the human mind that we are unable to comprehend that Space is God. And Space is not only Omnipresent, it is also INFINITE!

The vastness of Infinite Space was all through us, but we knew it not.

Heck, we move through God everyday. That’s a scary thought for some religious folks.

This means “All-knowing”. Sure, God knows everything. How could It not know? The only real beings in this Universe are the protons and electrons. Let’s forget about quarks or other highly fanciful and theoretical stuff for the moment, shall we?

Everything in this world is made from protons and electrons. And protons and electrons are made from energy. This Energy cannot die. It is Eternal. The whole universe is a Network of energies that simply cannot die. And this Network knows everything, because IT IS EVERYTHING. Is this concept so difficult to grasp?

Eternal Energy is right before our eyes, but we see it not.

Heck, we see God everyday. Another scary thought for religious folks.

This means “All-powerful”. Now somehow, this seems to be about the only concept that religious folks can grasp. Well, one out of three ain’t bad. But it ain’t a passing grade either.

Well, of course God is all powerful. If God is Infinite Space and Eternal Energy, it can pretty well do whatever It wants.
It’s like, “Yay! I can do anything I want. But wait, what is it that I want?”

What does God want?
What can an Infinite Being, that is forever alone, and forever living, want?
Simple. It wants the only thing that It cannot have.

If you stop to think for a moment, you will realize that the only thing that God cannot do is die. Sad, but true.

Imagine a Being that is Infinite and Eternal, living out Its Existence for eons and eons. Today is the same as yesterday, and tomorrow is gonna be the same as today. No change. Nahthing. And there’s suppose to be some meaning in all this? Surely there must be more to Eternal living than this meaningless existence?

Being a somewhat active God, It soon found a way out of Its dilemma. It engineered Itself into galaxies and stars, planets and moons, plants and animals. And when It became the beasts and the people, It was able to experience the one thing It could not have; death.

Of course God can’t really die. But It can die in human form.

A human being is like a corporation. The shareholders and employees are the protons and electrons. When a corporation dies, the shareholders don’t die. What is eternal will always be eternal, because it is condemned to be eternal. And thus the protons and electrons live on.

Where does the dead corporation actually go? I don’t think that question is relevant. What matters are the interests of the shareholders. The dead corporation will exist only as a memory. Hopefully, it will continue to exist as a happy memory.

But human beings, being fucked-up beings, totally forget that they are only artificial beings, created from Eternal Energy and walking in Infinite Space. They WANT to go to heaven and DON’T WANT to go to hell. Whatever that means. And so they demand that religion explain to them what cannot be explained. The explanation, however weak, helps them to somehow get on with their lives. And so they make it through another day without killing themselves or each other.

But that does not negate the fact that all of us are artificial corporations and the Eternal Energy is both the shareholder and employee. And we exist for only one reason: so that God can experience a little meaning in its lonely eternal path.

There are some of us who understand the meaning of Omnipresent, Omniscient, and Omnipotent. And we don’t see things from the majority point of view. The majority are still trying to earn their way to Heaven. But not me. If my life has been a happy memory for the Eternal Being, then I guess I would have done what I was created to do.

Okay, enough of all that religious talk. Time to go and focus on a tight skirt or whatever my current religion is. Yeah, I’m a bit like caffeine, coursing through the bloodstream of the Infinite Being.

Look, it doesn’t really matter if you do or do not see things the way I see them. All of us, with our own limited minds, will ultimately have to understand things according to our own individual unique experiences.

Have a great weekend, everybody!


Thursday, March 10, 2005


When friends grow apart

Parting with Elvis has left me in a sentimental mood. I wonder if it had been wise getting all emotionally invested in some dumb creature. It's not like we can be buddies forever. Shit, even humans can rarely be buddies forever.

Speaking of buddies, one of the oldest buddies I ever had is Harry(yeah, that demented lowlife who claims to know everything about sex).

I have been friends with Harry since childhood. We move in different circles now. Occasionally we still meet up to do a bit of male bonding. That is, if we don't end up trying to bond each other's butt to the head. It's inevitable that when friends grow up, they tend to make other newer friends who share similar interests.

Harry and I don't move in the same circles due to religious differences; he worshipped ALL skirts while I worshipped ONLY tight skirts. Yeah, there is a big difference. So now, it's like he's a generalist and I'm a specialist. And we take our religions seriously.

When we were kids, we often went places together. I remember the time when we were cycling along a path and he fell into a longkang(ditch). When I saw him not moving, I panicked. I rushed to his side and shouted:

"Harry! Get up!"

No movement.

"Harry! Say something!"

No answer.

"Harry! If you die, I'm not going to fren fren with you anymore!"

Harry got up and stared at me. And we've been friends ever since. Sort of.


Wednesday, March 09, 2005


Elvis mugshot

I miss Elvis, even though I knew it only for a few days. In fact, I do not even know if it is a male or female. Didn't see any cock or balls hanging out between its legs, that is, if you're interested.

Actually, I don't know where birds keep their cocks. It would be nice though, if a flock of birds fly overhead and I can rattle of "16 males and 21 females". And I would have got the answer by counting the number of balls flying past overhead and then dividing by two. But no, I do not have that keen eyesight. But my mental arithmetic sure is good.

But, back to Elvis.

Here is a mugshot of Elvis taken on Sunday, one day before it was freed.

Yellow-vented bulbul at two weeks

It's plumage colours are still dull, and it does have a glum expression on its face. Elvis only cheers up at feeding time. And it always seemed to be hungry.

Over the years, many birds have built nests in my orchid pots. And none have been successful. Elvis is the only chick known to have survived.

I am proud of the dumb bird. And of its parents too. Way to go, guys!


Tuesday, March 08, 2005


On Parental Love

Last Wednesday, I blogged about the Yellow-Vented Bulbul chick that fell from its nest in my garden. We then put it in a mouse cage. The cage was placed at the window sill away from the sun and rain. There seems to be some problem with one of the eyes of the chick, but it looked healthy otherwise.

The following day, I noticed that the parent birds did not go away. They were hanging around the cage area, looking towards their baby bird, and making anxiety noises.

How do parents feel when their child goes missing?

I then decided to place the bird back in the nest. Within 20 minutes, the little chick had fallen from its nest again onto the ground. The helpless parents were in a tree making noises in distress, unable to do anything to help the chick. Luckily, I got to it before the cat and dog did. It was quite obvious that this little chick cannot be left alone. Regretfully, I put it back inside the cage.

I was going to name the chick ‘Clumsy’ or “Clayfeet’, because of its habit of falling out of its nest. But naming a baby is a serious business. One should not give it a ridiculous moniker. If it has a silly and preposterous name, surely the other birds will laugh at it.

So, after much careful thought, I decided to call it ‘Elvis’.

The parents of the little Elvis still came around during the day time to watch over it. But little Elvis was inside the cage and the parents were outside.

How do parents feel when they can’t touch their child?

Little Elvis behaved like all other chicks of its age. Its appetite was voracious and has no problems in eating ripe banana fed to it at the end of a lidi stick. Still, we were not sure of the correct diet to feed the little bulbul. But we knew that they need to eat some form of insect protein, or whatever. All this while, the parents of the bird watched from a safe distance.

How do parents feel when their child is not eating right?

Then we noticed a strange phenomenon. The parents of little Elvis started a feeding regime of their own. While one bird kept a lookout, the other bird would bring little scraps of food, and fed Elvis through the holes in the wire netting of the cage. I did not know what they fed the young chick, but I did find a red berry on the floor of the cage one day.

I do not profess to understand what is going on. Do birds feel parental love?

I am reminded of this part of a poem:

“For a Mother's heart and a Mother's faith
And a Mother's steadfast love
Were fashioned by the Angels
And sent from God above.”

Elvis grew fast. The eye that appeared injured started to heal on its own. The maid, on seeing the devotion of the parents, was almost in tears. She wanted to free Elvis last Friday. I told her to wait. I wanted to free the bird only when I was sure that it could fly on its own and escape from the neighbourhood cats.

On Sunday, I noticed that Elvis was flapping its wings inside the cage. It was already two weeks old. In normal circumstances, it would be joining its parents at this time in searching for food. But still, I wasn’t sure if its wings were quite strong enough yet. Give it a couple more days, I thought.

Yesterday, I came back from work and the maid informed me that she had freed little Elvis. I guess she could not hold back any longer. She said that Elvis flew unsteadily at first, but it could fly. And it was soon joining its parents in flight to the nearest tree. The proud parents ushered little Elvis from tree to tree and the maid lost sight of them all.

How do parents feel when their child grows up?

I may or may not see little Elvis again. But I am certain of one thing; within the next few months, it would be competing with me for the mangoes on my tree.

Last night, the maid asked me if I would post a letter for her. She had written a letter to her family back home. Strange. This is the most unsentimental maid I’ve ever seen. All these months she has been with us, I have never known her to want to write to her family.


Monday, March 07, 2005


Vacuuming the head

For some reason, kids like to tell me stuff. It’s like they feel that they have a moral obligation to educate me in the wonders of life. I would go anywhere, and the kids would automatically gravitate to me. And before I know it, they would be in front of me, yakking away and telling me stuff.

I was with this kid during the weekend. He sported a brand new haircut that looked really good. His father had taken him to the Ikano Centre for the popular 10-minute RM12 Quick Cut.

The kid was explaining to me how the lady barber used an overhead vacuum cleaner apparatus to suck hair clippings away from the head and shoulders of the customer at the end of the haircut.

Kid: Hooiyoh! They got vacuum wan. Can suck the hair cutting from your clothes wan. From the head orso. Very clean, man.

Me: Waaahhh! So good ah?

Kid: Ya lor! Then when they use the vacuum the time, very cooling wan. Like got wind wan.

Me: You not scared meh?

Kid: No lah! What for scared?

Me: You know that the overhead vacuum cleaner got three settings, don’t you?

Kid: What three settings?

Me: ‘Lo’, ‘Medium’ and ‘Hi’. You must remember to tell the barber not to use the vacuum on ‘Hi’. If you forget, then you get big problem later on. So don’t ever forget that!

Kid: Huh…..why?

Me: Because a ‘Hi’ setting is too powerful for you. You are very young, and your head is a still a bit soft.

Kid: So what?

Me: So whoooooosh……..the ‘Hi’ vacuum will suck all your brains out.

The look of incredulous shock on the kid’s face was priceless.

Then Hot Babe, who overheard the conversation, told me not to sprout nonsense in front of kids. Spoilsport. But we cracked up all the same.

Kids……don’t you just love ‘em?


Friday, March 04, 2005


Penang water saving tricks

Exactly one year ago, in March 2004, I did not manage to get myself elected in Penang. (Read my election archives.) It certainly wasn’t an easy time for me. I had to disband the topless cheerleader squad and terminate the services of the ang moh char bor singer. The fact that they were providing free voluntary services made it even worse. And so, the people of Penang lost a great opportunity to have a brilliant elected representative and leader. Do you really think that there won’t be some form of Cosmic Payback?

Today, in March 2005, Penang has a serious water shortage situation. Do ya think that’s a coincidence? Do ya?

The six Penang dams are short of water. It can't be ignored, and whichever way you see it, it’s not a healthy situation.

If you’re a pessimist, you’ll say, “Oh woe! The dam is half-empty!”

If you’re an optimist, you’ll say, “Oh good! The dam is still half-full!”

And if you’re a realist, you’ll say, “Oh fuck! Time to save water again!”

Read my lips, kiddos, ya need to save water and fast. (That statement just made me a realist.) It is a good thing that I am never short of wonderful ideas, and another good thing that I am most willing to share them with the people.

Okay, let’s get with it, and listen to my first wonderful idea:


It is a known fact that sex wastes water. During sex, you tend to pant a lot and that causes loss of bodily fluids. Then you sweat a lot, which leads to more losses of bodily fluids. On top of that, there is the loss of sexual bodily secretions that somehow end up as mattress stains. All that adds up to a lot of bodily fluids lost through sex. Meaning that you have to drink more water to make up for the loss. Lots of water in fact.

But I can see that this idea, although wonderful, is not gonna be popular among you people. Cos when you have an erection, the blood flows from your brain to your dick, leaving the brain totally helpless and incapable of thinking about inconsequential stuff like saving water. Bummer.

Which leads me to present the next wonderful idea:


It doesn’t take much brains to figure out that if the people of Penang were to stop bathing, the water shortage would be quickly over. I could just see the headlines in the papers, ‘Water Situation in Penang Improves’. And on Page 2, I would probably see, ‘Due To Lack Of Demand, The Price Of Soap Has Fallen’. Gosh, that might be just the thing to halt inflation, now that the price of diesel has risen!

But again, it may be a bit too much to presume that the people of Penang are going to stop bathing. Bathing is like sex; it is a hard habit to break.

That leaves us with my third wonderful idea:


Now, surely you can do that, can’t you?


Thursday, March 03, 2005


Illegal logging on Pulau Redang

How did the illegal logging on Pulau Redang escape attention?

This was not an easy operation.

First, the tree has to be felled by a chainsaw. This is a small island. So someone would have heard the chainsaw.

Then the tree has to be sawn into planks. My guess is that the planks are sawn using a bandsaw operated from a portable electricity generator. These equipment have to be carried into the jungle by hand. Meaning that it would take a least half a dozen people to set it up. Surely somebody would have seen something.

Then the planks would have to be transported one by one to a fishing boat to smuggle the timber to the mainland. Again, this would have to be performed using manual labour. In an area swarming with tourists and divers, somebody would have seen something.

My guess is that this dastardly deed was carried out during the end-of-year monsoon season when the island was practically deserted. Deserted except for the villagers who were concentrated on the western side of the island.

This operation cannot be done without the use of a fishing boat big enough to transport the sawn timber. Loading of the boat has to be done by hand and would take hours. It is more likely to be a boat from Redang than a boat from the mainland as it would attract less attention. And there are only a few big fishing boats in Redang.

Sniff around the fishing village in Pulau Redang and we should be able to find out who the culprit is.

But enough of amateur sleuthing. The idea of rewarding informants may just work. Illegal logging cannot be done stealthily in the middle of the night. It is a noisy operation involving many people. And there is always somebody who has heard or seen something.


Wednesday, March 02, 2005


Fallen chicks

Devastating news.

The two chicks fell out of their nest in the flower pot yesterday.

First, one chick must have fallen out because the mother bird was seen feeding only one chick in the nest. The remaining young chick was perched on the edge of the flower pot while taking food from the mother bird. That’s quite a precarious position.

A while later, the other chick also fell off. Damn, don’t these birds know how to balance themselves? The nest is less than two metres above the ground. The maid found one dead chick under the nest. The other chick was missing.

Later on, the maid found the other chick still alive, hiding somewhere in the grass. The chick's parents have already disappeared. If the mother bird was still around, we could have placed the chick back in the nest. What a tragedy. We do not know for how long we will be able to keep this young chick alive.’d think they would be smarter than that. Damn, damn, damn.


Tuesday, March 01, 2005


Oscar night

I saw the Oscar Awards last night on TV.

Jaimie Foxx got the 'Best Actor' award for his portrayal of Ray Charles in the movie 'Ray'.

He brought his daughter to the Oscars and he mentioned that before the award, she said something to him. I can't remember the exact words, but it sounded like:
"Dad, even if you don't win, I'm sure you must have been very good!"

Now ain't that sweet?

It was almost like what my teacher said to me over one incident in school.
"Even though you were not involved in it, I am sure you must have been very bad!"

Nostalgia. *sniffs*


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