Friday, January 30, 2004


Viewtru writes the M.C.A. recruitment song

Over the Chinese New Year, with all the new year songs on TV and radio, I started getting musically inclined. Not only that, I figured out a way I can finally get my datukship. Knowing that the M.C.A.(Malaysian Chinese Association) is now on a recruitment drive, I figured that if I can prove myself useful to them, maybe the M.C.A. leadership will recommend me for a datukship. And so, I took up songwriting.

I came out with a song which is so simple that it can be sung by even some of our village people. Maybe it's because the original song was sung by the American group, the Village People. If you will remember, the Village People had a huge hit called "Y.M.C.A." which was so popular that it was sung even in kindergartens. Well, I modified it slightly from "Y.M.C.A." to "Try M.C.A.".

And this is the result:

Try M.C.A.
(Sung to the tune of Y.M.C.A.)

"Young man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, git your ass off the ground.
I said, young man, M.C.A. is in town
There's no need to be a sucker.

Young man, there's a place you can go.
I said, young man, if you wanna make more.
You can join us, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to lead a good life.

It's fun to profit so try-M-C-A
It's fun to profit so try-M-C-A
We have connections, for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with the big boys......

It's fun to profit so try-M-C-A
It's fun to profit so try-M-C-A
You can make yourself rich, you can cut a shrewd deal
And you shit wherever you feel......"

I would like to request those of you who can carry a tune and know the song Y.M.C.A., to try singing this piece. Then tell me if it still needs more work. Please do not email this song to OKT just yet. Telling other M.C.A. members is okay, but not OKT. May I remind you folks that OKT does not stand for Orh Kwee Thau ? Good. I really want to get on his good side. Hey, my datukship is at stake here!


Thursday, January 29, 2004


The logistics of Celestial Virgins

Since blogging about the God of Prosperity two days ago, I got to thinking about those other heavenly beings, namely, celestial virgins. My interest in celestial virgins is purely academic from a logistics point of view. I am not interested whether there is a heaven or hell after this life. I have been living this life as my first and last life. As the song says:

"You're my first..... my everything."

However, there are many people who do believe in the existence of heaven. These people form the majority of people on earth and they look forward to an eternal life in heaven. The people who want to go in the opposite direction are the true Buddhists, who believe that they are in a eternal cycle of birth and death, and look forward to the day of Nirvana, which has been described as non-being, non-existence and eternal death.

Now since I don't believe in heaven, what happens then if in the next life I find myself in heaven? My attitude is, the next life will just have to take care of itself, the same way the current life is taking care of itself. I do not have any expectations from heaven.

However, there are people who expect to be surrounded by virgins in heaven. If that is what they choose to believe, that's fine with me. I will not judge you on what you believe. But logistically speaking, is that probable? If you go to heaven and God somehow gives you 100 virgins, will that be enough?

Remember that you will be having eternal life in heaven and 100 virgins will only last 100 nights. So what are you going to do? Go ask God for 100 more, and after that, another 100 more? Even if God is generous and gives you an ANNUAL allotment of 100 virgins for a year, if you live for 2 million years in heaven, that will still work out to 200 million virgins, which is quite a lot of virgins. To my mind, that is akin to treating God as a celestial pimp, but like I said, I will not judge you on what you believe. If you choose to treat your God that way, I am not going to call you morally wrong. That is between you and your God. My interest in this is only on the logistics side.

Knowing that God is not going to keep on supplying you with virgins for millions and millions of years, there is probably a better system in place in heaven. Virgins, once deflowered, must somehow be able to regain back their virginity. There is probably an HR Dept(Hymen Repair Department) that make deflowered virgins as good as new again. In that case, 100 virgins will be enough to last you through all eternity. And every morning, you will wake up to bloody bedsheets for millions and millions of years. If you don't like it, you can take it up with the HR Dept. They will tell you that they are just "doing their job". Which is about the same response you get from the HR Dept on earth.


Wednesday, January 28, 2004


Japanese ground troops in Iraq

Japan formally ordered ground troops to Iraq this week, their first deployment to a combat zone since World War II. Will this dispatch of Japanese troops to Iraq lead to Japan's military re-emergence on the world stage?

The Japanese troops will be based in Samawah and the Japan Times, in this article claimed that Samawah party leaders are grateful for Japanese troops.

Grateful? Older Malaysians who have been through the war will not use such a word. But Iraqis have never been under the Japanese Occupation.

And then there is the language gap. I can imagine the leader of the Japanese troops giving the following arrival speech:

"Ohayo! Thank you for your kind welcome. We came to help you with your erections. Hai! It will be very hard, and will require intense preparation in your case. Ah so, this is a serious matter. The Americans have asked us to rock those who interfere with the process. So des ne! Our immediate priority is to get your medical facilities up. After that we will get everything else up! Daijobu desu. People having serious conditions will have to go to Tokyo. We will fry you there. Not to worry, prease. "

I am willing to keep an open mind about these Japanese troops, and it may be good that Japan is willing to help Iraq in the election process and improve their medical facilities. But with Baghdad airport still off limits to commercial flights, it may not be possible to fly Iraqis to Tokyo.


Tuesday, January 27, 2004


The God of Prosperity and the escalator

While hanging out at the Mid Valley Megamall, I saw the God of Prosperity walking about and wishing people a happy Chinese New Year. Then he wanted to go to a lower level. Instead of flying down, he headed for the escalators.
And so I concluded that heavenly beings don't fly.

At the head of the escalator, he paused, as if he was unsure how to get on it.
And so I concluded that there are no escalators in heaven.

But if heavenly beings don't fly, and there are no escalators in heaven, how do they travel between the different levels?
And so I concluded that they must use ladders.

But climbing ladders all day is an arduous task.
And so I concluded that only very fit people can go to heaven.

But what about the other people who are unfit and yet wish to go to heaven?
And so I concluded that they need to exercise more and practise climbing on ladders.

It is amazing how many things we can learn by just hanging out at the shopping mall. And why was I at the shopping mall?
Like most schoolkids, I was there for the educational experience.


Monday, January 26, 2004


Recycled conversation during CNY

Reports of my early retirement have been greatly exaggerated. The reason I have not been blogging for the past few days was because of the Chinese New Year activities. I have been in the thick of action again this year; entertaining the troops(some would call them 'relatives') and ensuring that the food is edible(also known as 'feeding my face'). One thing that never ceases to amaze me is that the conversation during Chinese New Year is the same, year after year. I keep hearing the same old stuff like:

"Who is that pretty lady?"
"Oh.....that's no lady.....that's my sister..."

"What? Seven ang pows for seven children not enough ahhhh?"
"Sure not enough lah! I just had my eighth child....."

"How come our third cousin got married last year and I did not get invited?"
"Rush decision lah! You know, hor, I heard she gave birth one month after the quick marriage!"

"Wow...that chick is hot!"
"Hey! Don't talk that way about your sixth auntie on your maternal side twice removed....."

"Give me one good reason why I should give you money?"
"Because my straight flush beats your full house!"

Sounds familiar? Year after year, we say the same things over and over again! I wonder why we don't seem to get tired of such recycled conversation. Holy cow......we must be really simple folks with simple minds! And yet people say that the only thing straight about the Chinese is their hair. That reminds me....I need to put more gel on my hair. Cos I'm going to sleep in the office work tomorrow.


Tuesday, January 20, 2004


My Chinese New Year wish for you

This is it....the Year of the Monkey is fast approaching. Coloured street lights are already all over town. The Chinese New Year is, and always has been, a raucous affair. The noise is an essential part of festivities. It probably stems from our ancestors' idea of who using loud noises to frighten the undesirable elements into submission. So be prepared for a noisy week ahead. Except for Kuala Lumpur. KL will be at its quietest for the whole year. All the traffic jams will have moved to the smaller towns and villages.

The Chinese has been the most migratory and most populous race in the world. There are Chinese communities in most countries. Which means that Chinese New Year is celebrated around the globe. So you can expect a raucous planet for the next week! It is a time when you should live it up a little. I shall not be blogging for the next few days, and here are my wishes for you:

I wish you a happy Chinese New Year.
I wish you joy and I wish you health.
May the rain fall gently on your plants and not on you.
There comes a moment when Life is seen for what it is supposed to be; refreshingly vibrant and meaningfully fulfilling.
My wish is for you to live that moment, and smile.


Monday, January 19, 2004


Dear Lai Ma on Angpows

The Chinese New Year is just around the corner, and angpow season is upon us again. For those who have forgotten(yeah, right!), angpows are red packets that are traditionally given out during the Chinese New Year. The best angpows are those that contain money(as if you mercenaries need reminding)! This will be the Year of the Monkey(as if you mercenaries want to know!).

The 5Star, the nation's most highly regarded newspaper, wishes you a fruitful angpow collecting trip. The "Dear Lai Ma" column this week deals with questions concerning angpows. Ms Lai Ma, a former karaoke lounge singer, now our 5Star columnist, will show you how to handle some delicate situations.


Dear Lai Ma
Ever since I was young, my grandfather has always given me an angpow for Chinese New Year. Last year I married a widow who has a grown up daughter. Two months later, my grandfather, who was a widower, married the daughter. So now, my grandfather is also my son-in-law. How do I calculate the current seniority status to determine who should receive angpow from whom?

Dear Confused
No need to be so confused lah. This one is acherly very simpur. Since both of you are already married, both of you are not entitled to angpows.

Dear Lai Ma
I received some blank angpow envelopes from RHB bank and Telekom. They are so teruk looking! The RHB one is not even red. The Telekom one has two white strips running along the side, and white is a mourning colour. You would think that after so many years of celebrating Chinese New Year in Malaysia, those idiots would know how to supply decent angpow envelopes to their loyal customers! Since the envelopes are not auspicious, I cannot use them. Yet I do not want to waste. What should I do?
Frustrated Malaysian

Dear Frustrated Malaysian
I feel your pain, because I also got some angpow envelopes from RHB and Telekom. I also dare not give them out because it will not be proper! But I can recycle them and then sell together with old newspapers. Maybe I should write to the two companies to thank those shitheads for an extra source of income! But since you do not want to waste, I will suggest a different approach. Use those angpow envelopes if you like, but tell people that this is the Year of the Monkey, and therefore these angpow envelopes have been specially designed by monkeys. Very auspicious!

The following question was received via SMS.

Dear Lai Ma
My nephew's PITA and cheapsk8. Has HUB. ATM working but want angpow. Gv or not? Hppy yr of monk 2 u!
See Bae Sian

Dear Bae Sian
I have a very big problem in understanding your SMS message. Why do you write everything in short form? And please don't wish me a happy year of the Monk! Monks are often celibate. This is the year of the monkey and I have many admirers who like to monkey with me! And I have to monkey back, otherwise they may think I am not responsive. My talkcock editor said that maybe you want to know where to find cheap pita bread since the ATM machine is working. I dunno how he can think like that! Maybe that is why none of the girls in my office want to go out and monkey with him!

Dear Lai Ma
I am 18 years old and my sister is only 10 years old. Last year, my sister collected 200 ringgit in angpow from our relatives wherelse I only collected 100 ringgit. How come my relatives gave me so little? Not even enough for me to go Hat Yai to song song one time. How come the world so fucked up? What should I do to increase my angpow collection?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
Na beh! You're only 18 years old and you want to go to Hat Yai for song song! You're not ashamed of yourself, izzit? If I remember correctly, last time you also wrote to me and complained about the world. So now I give you the same answer again; the world is fucked up because people like you fucked it up. Wa piang!! People give you angpow out of generosity and you still complain that it's not enough! Somebody ought to fucking whack some cow sense into your coconut head.
But my talkcock editor say that I have to answer you in a logictimate manner because we are a 5 star paper, and ranked 4 stars above the competition. So okay lah, I give you a most logictimate answer. Your sister received more because virgins get more! If you want to increase your angpow collection, then you must become a virgin again.
Hahahahahahahaha........I mean, too bad!!!


Sunday, January 18, 2004


How did Yahoo do this?!!!

One of my blog readers just alerted me to this: if you type the words 'gigolo training' in the Yahoo search engine, it will return 11,000 documents. Yes, e-l-e-v-e-n thousand ! And you will also find a very familiar website listed as Number 1. Now how did a thing like that happen???

* gasp, blush, blush, gasp again *

Holy shmoley! I need to find a place to hide my face until this thing blows over.

Oh........ man........................


Friday, January 16, 2004


Viewtru's sample English lesson on "Oxymoron".

The Prime Minister has called for an education revolution and Viewtru will heed the call! Over the years, the nation's "edu-ca-tion" has turned into "e-decay-shown" because we have not been using the latest techniques in imparting knowledge.

Out of the goodness of my heart and a sense of duty to the nation, I will attempt to show our "e-decay-shown" ministry officials a thing or two on how a good teaching method is carried out. A good teaching method has three parts: basic theory, a field trip and a case study. A sample lecture is provided here, so learn, you officials, learn!


* Viewtru walks into class, grabs his crotch for luck, and then addresses the class of students.*

Now class, today we are going to study the word 'OXYMORON'. This is an English word that implies a conflict in logic. I am going to use the 'education revolution' method to teach you this word.

Basic Theory

Contrary to what the school toilet cleaner may have told you, an oxymoron is not a phrase that that has been dreamt up by a moron who has been inhaling too much oxygen, although that helps......

Let us take a look at our first example:

"A tiny giant."

Did you note the conflict in logic? The guy is either tiny or he is a giant. He cannot be both. Thus, this is an oxymoron.

I can tell that most of you have a complete understanding of the concept by now. Very good! Those of you who still don't get it, please raise your hand. Oh.....I see that there are still two dimwits in class who are totally unable to grasp this very simple concept. Never mind, under this 'education revolution' method, you will be sure to grasp the concept after we have gone on our cyber field trip. Please appreciate the lengths I go through for you people.

Field Trip

For our field trip, we will click on this link
Of course, this is only a cyber field trip. You didn't think that I would actually charter a plane to take you there, did you? Sure, ministry officials do it all the time, but that would not be an 'education revolution' method!

Please take your eyes off the girls for a moment and concentrate on the placard! Now examine the first part of the protest statement:

"Bombing for peace..."

After you bomb for peace, everybody is dead. When everybody is dead, there will be peace. There is no conflict of logic at this juncture so far. This is NOT an oxymoron! Got it?

Now take a look at the last part of the protest statement:

"Fucking for virginity"

Now there is definitely a conflict of logic here. If you have fucking, you can't have virginity. If you have virginity, then there hasn't been any fucking. This is obviously an oxymoron!

Those of you who claim to have been fucking while still preserving your virginity have obviously not been doing it correctly. Please sign up for the course on "Remedial Fucking for Dummies 101" after this class is over. Practical 'hands-on' training will be held in the 'Pump Room'.

Coming back to our English lesson, you will also note that you can use both "fucking" and "virginity" in the same sentence without turning it into an oxymoron. This is an 'education revolution' method, so please pay close attention. Consider the structure of the next sentence:

"The chief's daughter kept a handlebar moustache and was so fucking ugly that the young men fled the village to preserve her virginity."

Is there a conflict of logic here? Heck, no! This is NOT an oxymoron. You would flee too if you knew that the chief was looking for a prospective son-in-law. The guy who did not flee was obviously a moron who had been inhaling too much oxygen.

Case Study

As an assignment, you are required to do a case study of a politician who has been around far too long......and we can't wait to get rid of him. Even mudslides and rockfalls can't get rid of him. He is stubborn, and keeps sprouting the same old shit like:

"I will resign when it is time for me to go!"

Now let us analyze what he is saying. The whole country knows that it is time for him to go, but he ain't resigning. Is there, therefore, a conflict of logic between "resign" and "time for me to go"?
Does this constitute an oxymoron?
I don't know! Which is why this is a class that you can give me the solution, after which I can then impress my friends with what I just learned from you. This is a side benefit of the 'education revolution' method. Now git to work!

Wait....a word of reminder: I don't want any of you to do anything that is illegal, such as sneaking into this politician's house to take sample readings of oxygen levels in order to prove your point! And if you are dumb enough to get caught, I'll just claim that I fucking don't know you.

Make sure you hand in your assignments on time. Class dismiss!

* Viewtru walks out of the class, to a stunned silence from the students, and thunderous applause from the two dimwits. E-decay-shown ministry officials attending the class, had to be revived by doctors. *


Note: The above is only a sample lecture and I do not fully expect it to be able to suit everybody. For example, a lot of female teachers may not be comfortable with the idea of grabbing their crotches for luck, although this seems to work for American baseball players. In that case, they can improvise and consider grabbing some other convenient part of their anatomy. That's the flexibility of the 'education revolution' method......yeah!!!


Thursday, January 15, 2004


I'm celebrating Terse Day Thursday

This is going to be a short post today, because I received an unscheduled visit from laziness. And I am also celebrating Terse Day Thursday. I think I will go and make a fucking nuisance of myself in other people's blogs instead. It's about time!

Oh yeah, for those who are celebrating, Happy Terse Day Thursday to you!


Wednesday, January 14, 2004


5Star reports on Malaysia-Singapore relationship

The Straits Times has this in its news today:

Malaysia, Singapore on talking terms, thanks to Abdullah's visit

It is good to see that the two PMs are on talking terms. We have two many common issues and common interests to be at loggerheads at each other for long. The nation's most respected newspaper, the 5Star(the peeper's paper) interviewed a man on the street in Singapore on his reaction to this progress in bilateral relations. 5Star reporter, Seh Sum Moh, recorded the interview at Orchard Road in Singapore.


Reporter: What is your name sir?
Ah Beng : Tan Ah Beng.

Reporter: What do you do, sir?
Ah Beng : Na beh! What I do is none of your business. You want to ji seow me, izzit?

Reporter: Oh no! I just want to have your opinion.
Ah Beng : Oh, so sorry. I don't have opinion. Only the gahmen is allowed to have opinion.

Reporter: But surely you are allowed to think?
Ah Beng : Oh thinking, can. If not, got brain for what? But no opinions, okay?

Reporter: Okay! Would you like to have better relations with Malaysia?
Ah Beng : Oh, yes. I have some relations in Johore. Every time I borrow money from them, they kao peh kao bu. What kind of stingy relations are these? Of course I want better relations!

Reporter: No, no. I don't mean these relations. I mean nation-to-nation bilateral relations.
Ah Beng : Wa lau eh. You don't say properly, how I know? You Malaysians all like that! Say one half and doan say the other half. Like the way you want to build the Johore half and don't want to build the other half.

Reporter: But the Singapore government is supposed to build the other half!
Ah Beng : Acherly, hor, our gahmen very wise one. We wait for you Malaysians to build your half first. Then we relac and wait some more until you buay tahan. Then you will build our half also.

Reporter: Isn't that a bit kiasu?
Ah Beng : Boh pian leh. Times are hard.

Reporter: Why do you think there is now a vast improvement in bilateral relations?
Ah Beng : Simpur leh. Because both PM can speak Hokkien. Penang Hokkien and Singapore Hokkien not so different leh.

Reporter: Do you think that was the problem previously?
Ah Beng : Sure what. Your previous PM always misunderstood us. When we discussed the water issue, our PM said "Lin peh boh lui." (That's "I don't have money" in Hokkien.) Then you former PM thought our PM said, "Need pay more duit."

Reporter: But this can be easily corrected with a good interpreter.
Ah Beng : I know....but our gahmen then also made a very big mistake!

Reporter: What very big mistake?
Ah Beng : They served Newater to your former PM and he didn't like the taste. Big porblem after that......

Reporter: Well, thank you Mr Tan for your time. Goodbye.
Ah Beng : What? Talk so long and no free bag ah? No wonder you people so hard to understand!


Tuesday, January 13, 2004


The mass circumcision idea as a tourist attraction.

Last month, on Dec 17 2003, some little-known official mooted the idea of using mass circumcision ceremonies to promote racial harmony. I did not pay much attention to the suggestion at that time because it was not from a minister. Gawd...I can be such a snob at times. And at other times I am an aristocrat.

I did not comment on the suggestion at that time even though there was a lot of sniggering and derision at that suggestion. I felt that any idea to promote racial harmony should be considered thoroughly before it is dismissed offhand. It is always easier to dismiss a good suggestion than to come up with one.

A Google search for "Malaysia mass circumcision" returned 2720 results at last count. The search did turn up something interesting in that this is the SECOND time the Malaysian gahmen wanted to use the mass circumcision for purposes besides circumcision. The FIRST time occurred in December 1997, according to this circumcision article titled Circumcision In Malaysia. I quote the article here:

See Malaysian Circumcisions on Your Next Vacation
Watching mass circumcisions offers tourists "something different from the norm," Malaysia's Minister of Culture, Arts and Tourism was quoted as telling the daily Star newspaper.

Mass circumcision ceremonies could become a money-making tourist attraction in Malaysia. "By charging tourists a small watch such cultural events, the organizational costs can be covered," the minister told the paper after attending a circumcision ceremony in Kuala Lumpur in which 48 boys went under the knife. [December 14, 1997]

Now, I have no way of verifying how accurate this article was, but six years have passed and it is quite apparent to all that this idea did not get off the ground. The reasons are quite obvious; in order to make this viable as a tourist attraction, boys undergoing the operation will have to expose themselves to strangers while the doctor gets ready to slice a part of their foreskin off. Would you want your most private (and perhaps painful) moment to be exposed to hordes of camera-toting tourists? There is only so much that we are willing to do for the almighty tourist dollar. Tourists will demand value for their money. And quite rightly so. But I don't think we will want to put up with the weird comments, requests and demands from international tourists such as these:

"Doctor, can you move aside? You're blocking the view!"

"Donner und blitzen, get dat thing to rise up more. Dat ist goot!"

"Hey boy, remove your hands! Oh so cute....!"

"Mama mia, you miss cutting ze little piece there!"

"Herr doctor, achtung, dar one over there ist bleeding beeg!"

"My good doctor, can you hold up the removed foreskin? Good! Now stretch out the membrane so that I can take a good photo. Ah....excellent!"

"Doctor-san? Can you do 'Iron Chef' pose next to the thing? Prease? Domo arigato."

"Wah lau eh. Ani suay ki....khua simee lanciau?"

Well, the first idea of using mass circumcision for promoting tourism has come and gone. I don't think I am qualified to delve into the second idea of mass circumcision for promoting racial harmony. This one may actually have a much better chance of success. But I shall leave that for the 5Star paper to discuss the issue on some other day. And here's a shameless plug: the 5Star is currently the best newspaper in Malaysia, and is ranked 4 stars above the nearest competitor!


Monday, January 12, 2004


The most pathetic way to try to meet a guy

Yesterday evening, I was painting my gate and minding my own business. It was not the most imaginative way to spend the weekend, but the gate was looking a bit sorry and just had to be painted. There was a fat girl who lived in our neighborhood, who was so fat that if you tie a tug-o-war rope around her waist, there would not be enough rope left for the other team. I do not know her name, so I thought of calling her the "Titanic", but that would be most the sunken ship. She walked with a jerky lumbering gait with the fat on her body quivering from the motions. I will refer to her as the Quivering Fat Girl.

She had a dog in the house that yaps in the middle of the night for some mysterious reason. In fact, the whole family was strange, including the dog. I hardly ever see any one in her family take the dog out for a walk. Well, yesterday evening, Quivering Fat Girl put a leash on her dog like she was taking it out for a walk in the neighborhood.

A nice, good-looking guy was just passing her house when Quivering Fat Girl brought the dog outside her gate. The dog immediately strained at the leash and started sniffing at the guy's legs. This was the time when some guys would just smile at the unwelcome attention and say politely,
"Nice dog!"

And if the dog owner is a cute, slim and sexy chick, most guys would even have said,
"Nice dog! What's its name? I'm a worldwide expert on dogs! Do you come here often? Shall we get together for dinner some time? I'll be glad to show you a new doggy position!"

But this nice guy just looked at the ground and smiled politely. He walked on without even a pause. Quivering Fat Girl was left staring wistfully at his retreating back. She stood for some moments in the middle of the road, still staring. Then she dragged the leashed dog back into her compound! It was obvious that she had no intention in walking the dog.

A morbid thought occurred to me much later that Quivering Fat Girl was using the dog to try to meet the good-looking guy. She must have been lying in wait for the poor guy to pass her house. That was creepy, not to mention pathetic! The idea of setting a dog on a strange guy in order to meet him freaks me out. There is also the danger that the dog may get too frisky. One of these days, Quivering Fat Girl may just trip and fall over her dog. Then they will have to hire a crane to tow her heavy bulk to the nearest hospital or workshop. Yuccckks! I sure hope I won't be anywhere near enough to see that.


Saturday, January 10, 2004


Shakespearean play - 1

I developed a sudden urge to write a play. Not a modern play, but a Shakespearean one. Don't ask me why. I can't rant all the time, so I got to do something else. So far, this play has only one act, one scene and no title.

Disclaimer: The following play is purely fictitious and the characters bear no resemblance to any person, living or dead.

Here goes:


The Play

Act 1 Scene 1

[Enter two old politicians, Lim and Valiant Hair, in hotel.]

Hair: When shall we two meet again? In London, Paris or in Spain?

Lim: When the hurlyburly's done. When elections are lost and won.

Hair: That will be 'ere another month.

Lim: Valiant Hair. I fear, the time has come for us to go.

Hair: Oh, most noble Lim. What ails thee?

Lim: Our time as ministers draw nigh. To go, or not to go: that is the question.

Hair: Your mind is tossing on the ocean. Fret thee not, most noble Lim, for art we not irreplaceable as ministers? Art we not indispensible to the nation?

Lim: O Valient Hair. In sooth, I know not why I am so sad.

Hair: Fie, fie! O noble Lim!

Lim: Hark! I hear a horse approaching!

[Enter a lady politician.]

Hair: 'Tis no horse, but the Lady Tempest!

Tempest: Good morrow, my good lords.

Lim: Ah, Fair Tempest, how goes the world with thee?

Tempest: Something is rotten in the state. The Top Man hath appointed another for the office I seek. Lord, what fools these mortals be! Did heaven look on, and would not take my part? Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

Lim: The lady doth protest too much, methinks. Enough of this; I pray thee, hold thy peace!

Tempest: O noble Lim. In coffee, let me therefore my sorrows drown.

Lim: Hark! I hear a horse approaching!

Hair: Again? I fear thou art mistaken as before.

[Enters a man wearing a bow-tie]

Hair: Tis no horse but the hotel waiter.

Lim: Nay, valiant Hair. Knowest thou not that this mayest be a minister in bow-tie?

Tempest: O noble Lim! In truth I say unto thee, 'tis the waiter! Get thee hold of thyself!

Lim: It be not a good thing that the waiter farketh with my mind.

[The fair Tempest signals the man in bow-tie.]

Tempest: Waiter! Kopi tiga! Nak kurang manis, tahu?

Bowtie: Oi! U ingat ku siapa? Kopi tada!

[Man in bow-tie glares at them and leaves.]

Hair: See, most noble Lim? The man hath farketh off!

Tempest: Slothful scoundrel! I'll unhair his head!

Hair: Good madam, keep thyself within thyself!

Lim: If there be no coffee, let us then repair to bed.

Tempest: By your leave, my lords.

Hair and Lim: Goodnight, Lady Tempest. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Fare thee well. Thou art as beauteous in night as in day!

Tempest: O, my lords!

Hair and Lim: O fair Tempest, who art so lovely, and smell'st so sweet.

Tempest: O, my lords!

Hair and Lim: O fair Tempest. May we trouble thee to pay for our cigarettes on your way out?

Tempest: O, my ....O, you cheapskates!

[Curtain closes]


There! It is done. Of course, Shakespeare could have written it much better. Maybe the book review bloggers will thrash it. But hey, please be kind. After all, this is only my first attempt.


Friday, January 09, 2004


Some changes to the right sidebar

Wow! I am approaching my 100th blog posting. Did not realize that I would make it this far without getting fatigued. I made some changes to the right side of this page. Yeah...that took some very hard work!

Some Malaysian bloggers, for reasons best known to themselves, have started linking to me. I can well understand that bloggers like Michael Ooi and Doc Liew would want to link to me......because they are uncultured social misfits who need to get their daily dose of inane bullshit. (And if you visit their blogs, you will find that they like to blog on gross topics like pimples, nose hair and boogers. Eeeeeewwww!!!) Heaven help you if they link to your blog!

However, when classy and sophisticated ladies like Wena and Ted(yeah, she's a female) started linking to me as well, I had to take another hard look at this wasteland which I call a blog. What have I been doing wrong? Why are these paragons of virtue here? Aha! I got it! They are here for the EDUCATIONAL experience! You people are just too kind! I therefore now consider it my sacred duty to ensure that you will get educated in ways that you have never imagined possible before. Consider that my higher calling!

I have finally got off my ass to return the favour by linking back to some of the bloggers' sites. This is something I should have done a long while back, but I was overcame by sheer laziness and lack of organizational skills. Links are listed on the right sidebar in alphabetical order. Other Malaysian bloggers who linked to me later, such as Oliviasy and Gaia3, have also been listed. It is a short list, I know, but I can only remember my more frequent visitors and those bloggers who have been actively commenting on my postings. I know that there must be some whom I have inadvertently left out, and so, I will update the links later. But meanwhile, this is very hard work for me and I do feel another attack of inaction coming. Excuse me while I zonked out.


Thursday, January 08, 2004


No cheongsum with PAS

The Terengganu PAS government’s decision to restrict what non-Muslim women could wear during working hours in this article is a result of Cro-Magnon influence in PAS. Cro-Magnon? No, I take it back. Cro-Magnon is too good a word to describe them. "Neanderthal" is more like it. That's right....I have just demoted them. Let them face extinction. And my word carries a lot of weight in this Universe. Rank and file PAS members must get rid of these Neanderthals masquerading as humans before they destroy the party.

Mentri Besar Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang said the dress code was a "morality issue" relevant to both Muslims and non-Muslims and he stood by the Municipal council’s decision. What "morality issue"? If a non-muslim woman chooses to wear a pair of tight fitting jeans or a cheongsum with a slit at the side, does that make her any less moral than Abdul Hadi Awang in the grand scheme of the living Universe? The Conscious Universe will think that this woman is a better expression of It's Will than Abdul Hadi Awang can ever be in his limited lifetime. If God had meant people to go about naked occasionally, babies would have been borned without clothes.

Just what do the Neanderthals expect a non-muslim woman to wear? Fruits and leaves? Yeah, that ought to shut them up for good.


Wednesday, January 07, 2004


5Star interviews the Two-Reason Minister on Air Asia

Yesterday night, it was reported on NTV7 news that the Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs Ministry decided that Air Asia's advertisement was not misleading. You will recall that last Friday, the Two-Reason Minister said that Air Asia's advertisement on its low airfares should be investigated for misleading the public. Bloggers Alphaque and Lucia have been highly critical on how the Minister handled himself in this situation.

The 5Star roving reporter, Seh Sum Moh, managed to track down the Minister in a coffeeshop for an exclusive interview. As most politicians talk in an unknown language that only they themselves can understand, it is very difficult for our readers to know what they are talking about. Therefore, the 5Star newspaper will be presenting only the EMOTIONAL RESPONSE of the Two-Reason Minister to our reporter's questions. Note that we are qualified to do this because we are ranked 4 stars above our nearest competitor!


Reporter: Good morning Mr Minister. Nice bow-tie you have there!
Minister: ¶ ~ ¶~ ¶

Reporter: I understand that some bloggers have been giving you shit over the Air Asia advertisement.
Minister: @#$%&@!#$!!!!

Reporter: They say that the advertisement was not wrong!
Minister: $#@#$%&@!!!!!

Reporter: In fact a lot of people say that Air Asia makes domestic air travel affordable, thus encouraging domestic tourism, which is good for the country.
Minister: !!!!?????

Reporter: Yes it's true. People are wondering if you will also call for investigations on departmental stores offering cheap sales. They advertise "Up to 70% discount", but when tourists go there, most of the items only have 10% discount! Some new stocks don't even have discounts!
Minister: ??????

Reporter: Yes...they only find this out after queuing up for ages for the limited fitting room and the cashier counter. At least Air Asia tells you how much you are paying. But departmental stores use colour tags. And you don't know if the pink tag means 50% discount or 10% discount. Sometimes you can't tell if the tag is pink or red. Some articles don't even have a tag. They just put a sign next to it which says "70% discount". But later the dumbass cashier say "No discount!" What kind of crap is this? You tell me...fair or not?
Minister: zzzzzzzzzz........zzzzzzzzz

Reporter: Oi, wake up lah.....interview not over yet!
Minister: ' * '

Reporter: Yesterday, I heard on TV that the Ministry of Bread and Consommé Air fares Affairs has confirmed that Air Asia's advertisement was okay and not misleading.
Minister: $#@#$%&@ ???????

Reporter: Never mind lah. I'm sure they are not all idiots. You take care of your tourist quota and let them take care of the air fares. Come on, no need to show a sour face lah.
Minister: ºÕº

Reporter: One last question. Can you tell us why you always wear a bow-tie?
Minister: ® ™

Reporter: Registered trademark? You not scared people mistake you for hotel waiter meh?
Minister: @#$%&@!#$!!!!##%@#$%&@!#$!!!!$$@#$%#&@!#$!!!!


New DPM.....what's the big hoo-ha?

The hottest news in town at this moment is that Najib is going to be the new DPM(Deputy Prime Minister). The Malay Mail reported that

"Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak, son of the country's second Prime Minister, will be appointed Deputy Prime Minister today."

But wait a minute....has Najib said that he wanted to accept the offer? If the DPM post was offered to me, I would not touch it with a ten foot pole. Every one knows that in this country, the DPM's post has a very short political lifespan. Wouldn't it be embarassing if Najib turns around and say that he does not want to be our new DPM, and that he would rather sell fishballs in the market than to take up the job?

I think it is best to wait until Najib moves into the DPM residence before we can safely say that he is our new DPM. And he has to get re-elected as well. For this reason, the 5Star will not be going to the press with this story.


Tuesday, January 06, 2004


Something odd with the blog

Something decidedly odd with my blog today. I find it difficult to get into the site. On top of that, there is some foreign language in the comment section. I will go back and burn frankincense. Will also bathe with limau perut leaves for good measure.


Bad reporting and politicians

Ever since the 5Star(the peeper's paper) became the most respected newspaper in Malaysia, we have made an effort to try new and novel ways of presenting the news to our MILLIONS of loyal readers. We have to do this in order to preserve our massive lead over the competition, and also to disguise our often horrid command over the Ingalish language. Of course, we are still very much better than the competition. Was there ever any doubt? Hello? In addition to that, we are not controlled by political interests. And we publish for free too.

Very often, people are unable to make much sense from the news reported in the mainstream media. This usually happens when politicians are interviewed. The reporters report dutifully, the news appear as nonsense, and then the politians later claimed that they have been misquoted. Who are we to believe? Watching the news on TV, I think I know where the problem lies. As some fella commented, "They say half, don't say the other to report?". The news is wonder it makes no sense! Reporters should be trained to get politicians to tell everything. I have good news for you; our 5Star roving reporter, Seh Sum Moh, has been trained to get politicians to say some more. And our other reporter, Tok Moh kok, has been trained to get politicians to talk more..........aww, never mind.

I have a dream! I have a dream that one day, Malaysians will look to the 5Star for complete news and use the other newspapers only for wrapping fish. What the heck....they ought to be good for something!


Monday, January 05, 2004


Dear Lai Ma on National Service

Ever since the 5Star(the peeper's paper) became the most respected newspaper in Malaysia, there has been the inevitable comparison with the Star(the people's paper). But honestly, dear readers, there is no comparison. We are a 5 star paper and they are a one star paper, as the names imply. The "Dear Lai Ma" column of the 5Star is not, I repeat, is not a copycat version of the "Dear Thelma" column of the Star. In some ways both columns are similar in the look and feel. The huge difference is; we serve up pure unadulterated street smart bullshit without pretensions, whereas our competition try to pass off worthless crap as advice. That's why we are a 5 star paper, see? And we publish for free too!

The "Dear Lai Ma" column this week deals with questions concerning the National Service. Ms Lai Ma, a former karaoke lounge singer, now our 5Star columnist, will offer you expert street smart advice on any concerns you may have on the NS.


Dear Lai Ma
I come from a small kampung of only 20 people. I have never been out of my kampung and am not wise in the ways of the world. As I shall be attending the National Service soon with a lot of city strangers, is there anything important that I should be aware of ?
Katak bin Tempurong

Dear Katak,
Amboi.....never been out of your kampung? Why so teruk? People from the city are not the same as kampung people. They sometimes do a lot of nonsense. When you join the NS, please remember this piece of advice; should you drop the soap while bathing in camp, don't ever bend down to pick it up.

Dear Lai Ma
I have a son who is going for NS soon. He has led a very sheltered life and has never been anywhere without me. Everywhere he goes, I follow, and I control all his activities. But I am told that I cannot follow him into NS camp. I want to make sure his needs are met. What should I pack that would be most useful for him?
Tai Ma Mee

Dear Ma Mee, cannot keep following your son everywhere! He is grown-up already and should do things by himself. Mou kau want him to become pondan isit? The minute he is in NS camp and no more under your control, he will go wild. This is for sure, as he is tasting freedom for the first time. Be a good mother.....pack a few boxes of condoms for him. That will be most useful in case he gets lucky.

Dear Lai Ma
I have just got out of prison after serving 10 years for rioting and gangland activities. I want to turn over a new leaf and serve society. So I hope to become a volunteer instructor for NS. However, I am afraid that I will get rejected because of my background. What do you suggest?
Chow Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng
It is good that you want to turn over a new leaf. New leaf always better than old leaf. If you want to become a volunteer instructor, you must conduct yourself well during the interview. When I want to impress the interviewer, I usually wear a tight miniskirt, and no bra. But I do not think this will work for you. Never mind lah. When you are at the interview, don't say that your past was connected with rioting.....just say that you have first-hand experience in hostile situations. And don't say that you were involved in gangland activities...just say that you have been active in, uh, team events. Also don't say that you have been under the eye of prison wardens for the past ten years....just say that for the past years you have been in daily contact with important government officials. I wish you the best of luck in the interview.

Dear Lai Ma
I don't want to go for NS but I am selected to go. So suay.....for three months cannot see my girlfriends. Buay tahan laaahhh. I know that students studying in private colleges with semesters that overlapped with NS training period are allowed to defer their participation in the NS. And I prefer to defer. But I did very badly during my SPM and cannot pass a single subject. I only handed in blank paper. My forecast result from the school also forecasted that I fail all subjects(I also handed in blank paper for school exams....coincidence lah). I looked at 20 private colleges already to look for courses that will allow me to defer the NS. But they don't want to take students who fail everything in SPM school forecast results. They want so many subject credits. Why the world so fucked up? What should I do?
Chin Tu Lan

Dear Tu Lan
The world is fucked up because people like you fucked it up. Na beh...SPM so fucking easy and you cannot pass even one paper! Buay pai seh ah? During my time, hor, I also can pass two papers. Obviously you did not study hard and now you want to waste your parents' money by going to private college. Some more dare to ask for my advice. Ni nao hiah. I ought to come over and whack your fucking head. But my talkcock editor said that you asked a logictimate question and I must give you a logictimate answer. So okay lah....this is what you have to do. There is one private institute, the Lame Cock Wank institute, that conducts a diploma course without requiring any passes or credits. As long as you have two energetic hands, you can apply. The course is called the Diploma in One Handed Surfing for Mature Adults. Acherly, hor, it is what you do with the other hand that is more important. Even a fucking moron like you should be able to pass this diploma. The semester sessions overlap with NS training period, so you can apply for NS deferment. Work that thing hard and don't you dare flunk this course. Otherwise I'll come over and yank that fucking thing off.


Saturday, January 03, 2004


How many Malaysians does it take to change a lightbulb?

In any crisis or natural disaster, the first few hours are critical. Speed is essential in any rescue operation. Life and death is determined in a matter of hours, minutes and sometimes seconds. So just how smart is our SMART(Special Malaysian Disaster Relief and Rescue Team)? This team was set up to deal with emergencies, to be a quick reaction force in times of disaster.

Consider the recent Bam earthquake in Iran and the reaction from our SMART team.

Here is the chronology of events:

Friday 26 December 2003
A destructive earthquake, measuring 6.7 on Richter scale, hit the city of Bam in Kerman province, SE Iran in the early morning hours of Dec 26 2003. Most of the city was destroyed. It was estimated that survivors will not be able to last more than 72 hours under the rubble. Iran called for international aid.

Sunday 28 Dec 2003
International help started to arrive in Iran. Differences were aside as the world delivered quake aid to Iran. Even the USA, a long-time enemy of Iran, had already landed a plane of supplies in Iran. Details found here. No news about our Malysian SMART team people yet. But we know they must be planning something.

The UN decided that it would call off the search on Sunday citing the low probability of survivors lasting that long under the rubble. In other words, rescue operations would end. During a rescue operation, digging equipment cannot be brought in yet, otherwise survivors still underground may be killed by the moving rubble. Rubble must be carefully shifted by hand to avoid injuring survivors still underground. Details here.

Monday December 29, 2003
Malaysian SMART team stirred into action and announced that they will leave for Iran soon. Yes, they are going to rescue people now! Read about it here in the Star. To quote the article:
The Special Malaysian Disaster Relief and Rescue Team (SMART), which will leave in the next few days, is one of the efforts taken by the Malaysian government, following Iran's call for international help.

By now, of course, those surviviors who were not found have already died from thirst and starvation. That does not daunt our very smart SMART team who wants the survivors to wait for them! Survivors, please don't die yet.....we are coming! If there is not enough air underground, never mind......just hold your breath, because we are coming, in the next few days!

Tuesday December 30, 2003
Rescuers pull out while digging equipment move in. Once the diggers start their operations, they will only be pulling out dead bodies. Details here or just read this short snippet from the article:

Rescuers quit quake site as diggers roll in
BAM: Hundreds of mechanical diggers rolled into this quake-hit city southeast Iran on yesterday, signalling the end of major efforts to find survivors and the start of an urgent bid to recover thousands of corpses amid growing health fears.

This is the stage where it was acknowledged that all survivors who can be rescued are already in the hospitals. Those underground are presumed dead. If they are not dead, they will probably be killed by the mechanical diggers which shift the rubble by the ton. There could indeed still be survivors, but those would be very unusual circumstances. But I'm sure our SMART team is still getting ready to go.

Thursday January 1, 2004
This was reported in the Star:
Rescue mission aborted as Iran has enough help
A statement from the crisis and strife management unit of the National Security Division of the Prime Minister's Department said the decision to abort the mission was made as Iran said it did not require any more search and rescue teams from contributing countries.

Actually, it is not because Iran has enough help. Iran said it did not require any more search and rescue teams. We were too late for the rescue operations. Iran has already moved into the next phase of recovering bodies and caring for the survivors.

I am ashamed! I am ashamed at the dilly dally attitude of the SMART team. This is not the way to respond to a crisis! Either we decide not to go, or we go immediately! We don't decide to go and then expect people to refrain from dying while we take our own sweet time getting there. A rescue team should always treat the time window with the utmost urgency. Even Iran accepted American help, and told us not to send our SMART team. Yes, I am truly ashamed!

How many Malaysians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We just wait till daybreak. After that, no need to change lor.


Friday, January 02, 2004


New Year T-shirt

That sure was fast...New Year's day came and went.

Just when I thought that I could goof off, Wena reminded me that I still have a T-shirt business to take care of. Oh come on, Wena, it was a public holiday, in case you didn't notice! I am still in the process of recovering from the excesses of the New Year activities and the brain is still engaged in the"fried char koay teow with extra towgay" mode.

Since the brain refused to be more creative, I had to roll out a T-shirt design based on yesterday's greeting; "Dua song song dapat". Maybe I can sell this design to tourists and market it from a "Malaysian New Year greeting" angle. Let's see how it looks on an, ahem, appropriate model. Unfortunately, Villagephotos is not supporting external linking for the moment, so I am unable to publish my picture from there. (This is an outrage....what is the world coming to when mooching free-riders are unable to get a decent service?) You can however, view the design by clicking on my Geocities site here.

It may look slightly naughty, but it hints of a touch of indigenous cultural sophistication. If hordes of tourists don't buy this T-shirt, I'll eat my underpants.


Thursday, January 01, 2004


Jom 2004 !

Well, maybe that was not the most appropriate way of using the word "Jom", but you know what I mean. Some of you would have realised by now that I sometimes do not quite know what I am saying, but thankfully, I do not let such a minor detail prevent me from saying it. So "Jom" it is. This is the year dua kosong kosong empat, also known to my thrill-seeking friends as dua song song dapat. I need not explain what this means to the Hokkiens. Residents at the Thai border will most probably know how to inteprete this in the most appropriate fashion.

What can we expect for this year?

With the reduction in car duties, I think Toyotas will be cheaper. School tuition will be free for poor students. Policemen will serve you teh tarik if you visit a police station after the Royal Commission is implemented. Politicians will talk more sense. Corruption will be eradicated. You will get a tax rebate. And I will continue to dream.

Here's wishing you a Dua Song Song Dapat year!


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