Stepping aside for Reality

Every politician practices money politics. We know that. Even the simple act of buying a drink for a delegate involves money. Let's be frank about it.....you're buying that drink only because you need that delegate's vote. In every election, there are winners and there are losers.

Have you noticed that only the losers complain about money politics? That's because these losers are clueless at the game. They need help. But it's not like you can go to any bookstore and buy a book called "The Idiot's Guide to Money Politics."
Maybe some blogger may be kind enough to offer some online tips. Let's see.

Ten Basic Principles of Money Politics

1. Initial campaigning is a waste of time. Conserve your funds by doing only last minute campaigning. By that time, you should know how much your opponents are paying to buy votes.

2. If your political opponent is giving RM500, don't try to save money by giving only RM499.

3. Monies have to be paid up front. Your credit may be good, but cash is king.

4. Remember that you have to pay extra if the delegate helps you to write a 'poison pen' letter. Better he writes one for you than write one against you.

5. When you take the delegate to lunch, take him to the all-you-can-eat buffet. Don't take him to the mamak stall and order roti canai ala carte. Also, don't be a cheapskate and offer to split the bill with him.

6. When you pass money in a briefcase to a delegate, make sure that the briefcase is branded. And I don't mean "Swan" brand.

7. When you slip your envelope of money under the hotel room door of the delegate, make sure that your name is on it. Otherwise, how is the delegate going to know who to vote for?

8. Your envelope had better contain cash and not a post-dated cheque. A post-dated cheque implies that you are not a serious candidate.

9. If the delegate tells you that his wife needs to go for a beauty treatment, offer to pay for the treatment. Don't just nod your head and make insensitive statements like "Yeah, she fucking needs it, but it's too damn late for the ugly cow!"

10. If the delegate wants sex instead of money, get professional services. Don't offer to do him yourself in order to save money. You're not all that good looking!

If you don't have time to read the newspapers today, not to worry. I've rounded up the news for you.

A two-month old specialist hospital was shut down after serious contamination by two deadly species of fungi. The Health Ministry has asked the Public Works Department to get the contractor to rectify the problem. The ACA has been called in. This scenario sounds very familiar. The public is now waiting for a certain regular idiot to announce that he is gonna fix this problem thoroughly with space age carbon. Meantime, we have to wait for him to finish hiring another foreign consultant. To tell him the meaning of "fungi".

The police are upset. Because they have been receiving letters from loan sharks. Not that they haven't receive letters from the public before. They have. Tons of 'em. They don't mind receiving letters that they don't have to read. But they don't like receiving letters that they can't read. The police have called the letter writer 'Ah Long'. Not 'Ah Short'. Or even 'Ah Medium'. How did the cops know these lengthy vital statistices? I bet there was some pretty amazing detective work involved. We should pay these people more. Oh, we already did. With the recent Budget. Good.

Singapore has decided to lift the ban on Malaysian chicken. In the name of neighbourly relations. And also economics. Too many Singaporeans have been crossing over to JB to enjoy Malaysian chicken ever since the ban went in place. And this has affected the business at the chicken shacks in the red-light Geylang district. Ooooops. I think I got my chicken stories mixed up.

Losers in a recent party elections have been complaining about other people practising money politics. Talking as if they themselves were totally innocent of the practice. Talking like they were as pure as the driven snow. Like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths. But we know better. The reason they lost was not because they did not give, but because they did not give enough. The Malaysia Book of Records is opening up a new category. For "The highest amount of complaints about money politics, with the least amount of action." Guess which organisation is running in the lead right now.

Oh, okay, I composed a new haiku for today:

Heard this sore loser
Screaming, "Money politics!"
I honked the fucker.

My mom tells me that I was serious as a kid.

Funny, I don't remember that.

Although sometimes, I regret the solemn manner by which I attempted my tests in school. I could have given so much more sophisticated answers. Like version 20 of New and Improved solutions to old and tired questions.

What wouldn't I give for another opportunity to strain my teachers' mental health. Again. Yeah......

I took Hot Babe to lunch yesterday. Hot Babe offered to pay for lunch. It was a simple affair: only a bowl of noodles each. I didn't even order a drink, to save her money. Besides, I wasn't thirsty.

Hot Babe is one of those girls who can't do simple arithmethic in their heads. But she has a pair of tits that would make most girls envious. Besides, she has a bubbly personality. And also a pair of tits that would.......okay, okay, I mentioned that already. Over lunch, she informed me that in, Singapore, women rate men by the Five C's.
Meaning:

Career
Cash
Credit card
Car
Condominium

So I took a hard look at my assets. And I started counting my C's.

Centerfold body (almost)
Cash (enough for hotel room)
Cognac (two full bottles)
Condoms (one stack)
Cocky enthusiasm (inteprete this any way you want)

Yeah, I have my Five C's all right. Should be enough to show a gal a great time.

This morning, we are going to open up the The Book of Alternative Wisdom and see how ancient sayings can be applied appropriately in our daily lives.

"It's better to give than to receive."
How true. If you are vying for a seat in the Supreme Council, you learn early in the campaigning period that you have to practise generosity, altruism, selflessness and all that bullshit. Of course it does not apply to everybody. If you are a delegate with a vote to spare, and have no scruples about making a fast buck, then you will live by this other bit of wisdom:
"Money talks."

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."
Ain't that right? We can't always stick to the old familiar ways of doing things. We have to try new shit every now and then. This applies to everybody. Unless you are a highway engineer. and you work for a boss who wants to use netting to prevent rockfalls. If that is not bad enough, your boss also wants to use space age carbon to repair bridges. Then it's up to you to teach the pea brain this other bit of wisdom:
"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing."

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
This bit of wisdom tells you to appreciate what you have in your hand. That's nice. But then, not everybody are serial wankers. We, hot blooded males, live by a better adage:
"Your bird in your hand ain't gonna be as good as your bird in her bush."

"Winners never quit and quitters never win."
This is a good piece of advice. It teaches you persistence. And you can follow this advice generally everywhere. Unless you are in Genting. And you’re winning big at the blackjack tables. In that case you should follow this other alternative advice:
"Quit while you're ahead."

That's enough alternative wisdom for now. We shouldn't try to cram too much into our heads in one day. It distracts us from more serious pursuits. Or whatever. Have a good weekend ahead, everybody!

Today's posting will be on a more serious topic. Just because I haven't done a serious post for awhile, many hot mamas are getting strange ideas that I am a shallow person. Shallow? Me? Of course I can be serious. Honest.

This morning, I noticed something really wrong with the oil prices at our petrol stations. They are far too low. Before you buy your next big-engined car, you better consider the possibility of petrol prices hitting RM6 or more per litre in ten years' time(or less).

The oil supply in the world has always been more than the demand. So when oil prices go up, many countries pump more oil from the ground. This in turn forces the prices down again. World crude oil prices this week has hovered around USD48 per barrel, about double the price level last year. Most oil-producing countries are already pumping as much as they could, and the prices have shown no sign of going down to last year's levels. We can only conclude that world demand for oil has gone up far more than people expected. Where is the extra demand coming from? One word - "China".

Past predictions have been that the demand for oil will outstrip supply only in 10 years' time. Looks like its going to happen earlier than that. Another prediction is that the purchasing power of China will overtake the purchasing power of the U.S. in ten years time. This prediction is on track. Many students from China who are studying in Malaysia seem to have lots of money. They go around buying branded stuff like there's no tomorrow, so obviously they have more money than sense. The fact is that the Chinese have increasing spending power today.

Currently, there are about 700 million vehicles in the world. China was once known as the "land of bicycles". Soon, that will change. With increasing purchasing power, they will also want to own cars. Many of us have a few cars in the family, so do you think the people in China will be any different? With such a huge population, it is very easy for another 50 million vehicles to be added to Chinese roads within ten years. Once, car ownership in China takes off, India will also follow! In other words, demand for oil will be sky high. Prices will overshoot USD100 per barrel of crude. Even with Iraq fully pumping oil, it will not be enough.

In this country, we are paying only RM1.37 per litre of petrol. Which is artificially low. At current world oil prices, I don't think our government can maintain it much longer. Expect a price rise any moment now. I am guessing that the next price jump will be to the RM1.50 - 1.60 range. After that, there will be a series of price jumps till petrol reaches over RM2 per litre some time next year. Still cheap. Compare that with British drivers who are already paying more than RM5.50 per litre today.

In ten years' time, expect to pay RM6 per litre. And that will be at a subsidised price. Drivers in Britain will be paying something like RM15 per litre. The era of cheap oil has passed.

The Iraq war has brought about a spike in oil prices earlier than expected. Which is a good thing. Only high oil prices will force people to look for alternative sources of energy on this planet. This is a wake-up call. We have only ten years to go before things go really bad. The war in Iraq may just help the world avert a disaster. But that's assuming that the world pays attention. So think really hard before you get a car more than 1600 c.c. Or you'll be complaining about petrol prices for the next several years.

And that ends my serious post.

Our lady Bank Negara governor thinks that our gross domestic product (GDP) growth for 2005 will be 6%. Morgan Stanley thinks that it will be around 4.8%. I think that it should be around 200%, if they can persuade some new crony to shake things up a bit. Someone who can see the big picture. Someone who can be obscene about money and still look cool. Someone like me.

Let's hope that the days of unnecessary megaprojects are over. Those old cronies who had been screwing with us should just move on. Or lie down and play dead. I am the new crony. Your time has come and gone. Even wrote a song about it.


Old-crony-get-out-and-stay-out song
(sung to the kindergarten tune of "Limbo Rock")

You once thought you made the rules
And you treated all like fools
You were nothing but a shmuck
Git out of here, what the ....

You were nimble, you were quick
You had serious ass to lick
Now that you've run out of luck
Git out of here, what the ....

***

Okay, so the song is incomplete. That's only because I can't find a proper word that rhymes with the word "luck". Damn.

Many Penang residents don't seem to know what they are getting: a new Second Link or an expansion of the existing Penang Bridge. To clear up the existing cloud over the matter, the 5Star sent its top junior reporter, Kong Si Mi, to interview Highway Hair.



Reporter: Hello sir, can I ask you something about......
HH: Wait lah....let my have my early morning coffee first!

Reporter: Early morning? But it is almost 3 p.m! Your people are already trickling in back from lunch.
HH: Huh? So late already ah? Ohhh....and I thought the sun rose from the west today....but never mind, what do you want?

Reporter: I want to know if there is going to be a second link to Penang or not.
HH: No, no, of course not!

Reporter: But your deputy said got......
HH: My deputy was misquoted.

Reporter: How can he be misquoted over such a big thing? There is a very big difference between a second link and no second link.
HH: My deputy doesn't know anything.

Reporter: How can he not know anything? He is the deputy!
HH: Please try to understand how the gahmen works. Only I know everything. Deputies don't have to know anything. If you want information, you must come to me, and only me.

Reporter: Many of your engineers also said that .....
HH: Hey! My engineers are also not allowed to know anything! This is very technical. Only I can understand what the nation needs. After studying the travel habits of the Penang population on alternate Tuesdays and Thursdays, I intend to add two more lanes to the existing bridge.

Reporter: Oh.....so simple one ah? Why didn't you widen the bridge much earlier?
HH: Because the bridge's original drawings and plans went missing. Not our fault, you know?

Reporter: Why is it not your fault?
HH: Oi....you know how the gahmen operates or not? Don't simply ask stupid questions!

Reporter: Errr....okay. But you found the plans a few months ago already. Why the delay in action?
HH: We have to make sure that those plans that we found were original. It's in line with important gahmen policy, although I cannot remember what. Something about "Busty Lori". Highly technical stuff...you wouldn't understand.

Reporter: You mean "Pasti Ori", don't you?
HH: Something like that lah. Don't bother me with minor details.

Reporter: Can the existing bridge support two more lanes. Won't it be too heavy for the foundations?
HH: Why should I worry? I don't live near there! Besides, I know everything there is to know about bridges. I intend to use new materials, like space age carbon.

Reporter: Isn't it strange that the Penang authorities do not seem to know what kind of lanes you are planning to build?
HH: What's so strange? That's the way the gahmen works. I don't hafta tell anybody anything.

Reporter: There seem to be some speculation that the two extra lanes are going to be motorcycle lanes. Is that right?
HH: Be patient dah. When the two new lanes are completed, we will hire a consultant to measure them. If they are wide enough for motorcars to pass, then we will announce that we have built two new car lanes.

Reporter: What if they are not wide enough?
HH: Then we will announce that we have given the people of Penang two new motorcycle lanes!

Reporter: What if they are not even wide enough for motorcycles?
HH: In that case, we'll call them "Environmental Friendly Lanes".

Reporter: What "Environmental Friendly Lanes"?
HH: Meaning "bicycle lanes" lah.

Last Friday's show on the Malaysian Idol was the worst performance ever from Roslan, a Malaysian Idol judge. I have always suspected that Roslan lacked the objectivity and maturity to be a Malaysian Idol judge, and last week confirmed it.

A judge is generally expected to let the contestants know if the song is suitable to the singer, where the faulty parts of the delivery are and how the singer can improve. Did Roslan do that last Friday? No he didn't. Instead, he indulged in composing pantuns that offered no usable information to the contestants. And his pantuns were atrocious. He is definitely not a poet. Most of the contestants just smiled through the pantuns. But Saiful's face registered shock for a moment. I was horrified by the whole episode.

A judge is required to behave like a judge and not behave like a contestant. The Malaysian Idol show is not the correct platform for Roslan to try to showcase his dubious poetic abilities. If he thinks his pantuns are any good, then publish them in a blog like everybody else! Or join a pantun contest! There should be a freakin' rule that prohibits freakin' judges from hijacking valuable airtime to indulge in some personal bullshit self-aggrandizement. What an unprofessional crap-fed moron. I mean, fuck, that imbecile deteriorates mentally week after week. I'm pretty sure that by next month, he will be totally retarded.

Well, it has been a long time since I designed a T-shirt. So I rolled out this new T-shirt design to be worn by Roslan.



I think I should email it to 8TV. And oh yeah, I did borrow a popular phrase.

Harry asked me if I wanted to go out drinking with him tonight. I told him that my heart was okay, so I don't need to drink for health reasons. He hadn't been keeping up with scientific research, and was sort of surprised to find out that people actually do drink for health reasons. But there is a problem with alcohol; drink a little and it improves your heart, drink too much and it pulverizes your liver. It's a double-edged sword.

I told Harry that with the latest sin taxes, it's getting more and more expensive for a night out on the town. Harry said that the way the new PM is acting, drinks will cost even more with next year's Budget. So we may as well enjoy now before prices go up again at the end of next year. Harry thinks ahead. Too far ahead.

Actually, Harry is not totally mad. He does give good advice on occasion. Like the time when I found out that the dipshit turkey in my constituency got re-elected. The news got me so mad that I wanted to spear my ass with a fork.
Luckily, Harry was there to stop me. In his own unfathomable logic, he said that the average dinner fork has FOUR prongs...and whoever heard of an ass with FIVE holes? I sometimes marvel at the way his twisted mind works, but he's got a point.

Reluctantly, I kept the fork. He does give some very unusual viewpoints at times. Some of you may remember my Singapore oral sex posting on November 11, 2003 last year when he gave me his two cents' worth about the whole take.

I don't have normal friends.

Ever since DSAI was freed from prison, there has been a lot of speculation of deals and secret pacts being made. The speculations have reached a fever pitch in the coffeeshops, supreme council meetings, fish markets, and even in the public toilets.

Was there ever a deal made between Number One and DSAI? I don't think so. A deal would imply a gain for both parties. And there is nothing that DSAI can offer Number One.

DSAI:
"DuDE. ALlow me to say this. My back hurts and I would traDE A Lot of gold to have my neck out of this brace.Your pill DEALing government doctors have done little to improve my condition. In fact, DEALing with them itself is an orDEAL. I'm so desperate that I would have maDE ALoe vera soup to drink if I thought it would help. Isn't it obvious that what I need is an operation, iDEALly in Germany? Some arrangements with the surgeon have been maDE ALready. I hope you won't interfere with the way my appeal is DEALt with by the courts. Those ruDE ALlegations against me by double DEALing rats with their cruDE ALibis may deluDE ALot of people. But not my loyal followers who still riDE ALong with me. And when I get out, I'll reform and DEALign the political landscape. That's my grand iDEA Lah. Wouldn't that be iDEAL ?"


Number One:
"Yo, you had your day in court to prove your inNOcence. To my kNOwledge, that mattress was full of semen stains. Still, it ain't NObody's business if you choose to make love to a man. NOt my style to judge your sexual preferences, yo. Our judges are capable of handling your case, so I'll just say NOTHING. DOING otherwise will imply that our courts are NOt independent. So listen up NOw. If you are somehow freed by the courts, do NOt even think that we'll readmit you back into the party. Just kNOw that I'll wipe the floor with your kNOtty ass if you even try. But your NOticeable lack of health is a aNOther matter. Aloe vera may be good, but you should try ENO. Actually, I've NO problems with you going for an operation overseas. That's it, I've NOthing more to say."

I think that it should be quite obvious to all and sundry that there was NO DEAL.
Are you convinced now, or do I have to put up yet another post about it?

There is a saying that fengshui changes in turn. My, how things do change. In 1999, we had the Nipah virus outbreak in Selangor/Negeri Sembilan area. Nipah, which induces flu-like symptoms that often lead to encephalitis and a coma, jumped the species barrier from fruit bats to pigs and then to humans.

Some brain farting politicians from Kelantan tried to suggest that it was some sort of divine intervention. And when the then DPM(Badawi) tried to set up a task force to deal with the outbreak, one east coast cretin even went as far as to say that while the badawi in the Arabian desert took care of goats and camels, the badawi in Malaysia took care of pigs. How low can these morons go? No, please don't answer that question. I really have no wish to know the depraved depths that these Neanderthals have sunk. If they do not wish to help, then don't. Why deride and taunt others for wishing to solve a health problem?

Many of us don't eat beef. But we do not jump for joy when the mad cow disease strikes, do we? There is such a thing as human decency.

Today, we have the bird flu crisis in PAS-ruled Kelantan. To say that God is imposing divine punishment on the people there for voting in the wrong political party would be tempting, but not accurate. Unlike those fools in the affected state, I have no wish to gloat. I feel only pity, and sympathy. And I wish that this bird flu crisis will pass away quickly from Kelantan. And I will continue to eat kampung chicken to support the farmers.

I'm tired of Social Commentary already. Need a change in direction.

I haven't done an education blog for quite a while. So for today, I'm doing a post showing Ms Lai Ma of the 5Star, educating a class of young virgin lads on how to......umm.....thread a needle.



Thank you, Ms Lai Ma. We can be sure that the young virgin lads will benefit greatly from your lesson. In fact, I'm betting on it.

Over the weekend, the biggest news was of course the Budget. It seemed like everybody in the coffeeshops had become part-time Budget Analysts, and therefore it's also about time that yours truly get into the act. So for today, I have made a switch from my usual Social Commentary to Budget Analysis. Good for my image orso.

Sin taxes have gone up with the recent Budget. Heck, sin taxes go up every Budget Day. I don't smoke and I hardly booze, so it does not affect me much. And I like the idea of making these items less affordable so as not to ensnare the young. But the end effect of this may be, that one day, only the rich can afford to sin. The social side of my personality finds this really difficult to deal with. Hey, in an equal society, everybody should have an equal opportunity to sin.

But this is not an equal society. The rich tend to have more and more. Two hundred years ago, farmers had horses. Today, farmers have debts and millionaires have horses. One hundred years ago, the rich eat chicken and the poor eat salted fish. But today, the rich also want to eat salted fish, and the demand has caused salted fish to be more expensive than chicken.

See what I mean? The rich people are getting more and more. And with this Budget now, the gahmen even wants to take sinning away from the poor sinners. You can't have a society where only the datuk-datuk can afford to sin, can you? Damn, I must be getting emotional, 'cos my Budget Analysis has turned into a Social Commentary. So I think I'll stop here.

Even with the latest car bombing in Indonesia this week that killed 9 Indonesians and injured more than a hundred others, I still hold great hopes for the country.

In another 10 days, Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono will be challenging Megawati for the Indonesian presidential post. Sisilo’s party is not the biggest in Indonesia, nor the richest. The fact that he can become a front-runner in the elections shows that it is the people who decide who becomes the next president. Not the parties, not the committees, not the fixers, but the people. Even in our country, we don’t get the chance to choose our PM. The Indonesians may be backward in some ways, but they are already far ahead of us in the democracy stakes.

Indonesia has one of the largest Muslim populations in the world. For some reason or other, Muslim societies around the world have been slow to take advantage in the drive for democracy. However, the trend towards the will of the common people has started and there is no turning back.

Indonesia has more Muslims(194 million) than any other country. India has the second highest number of Muslims, and the Indian Muslims are already in a good democratic process. It is appropriate that Indonesian and Indian Muslims take the lead in showing the other Muslims around the world that leaders have to earn the right to govern.

So far, the terrorists have managed to create more chaos, kill more Indonesians, reduce foreign investment, and reduce tourism earnings. Will the Islamist terrorists have an effect in Indonesia's march towards democratization? No, I say. Once you know the enlightened way forward, you cannot unknow the thing and go back to old ways. When people have seen colour television, there is no way you can convince them that black-and-white television has more natural colours. Once you know, you cannot unknow. The Indonesian people are already convinced that the terrorists are not good for the country.

Some terrorists are so filled with hate that they would explode all and sundry in their madness. I can understand if people fight for material wealth or power. But claimimg to fight for God? That is so ridiculous. What good are you to God if you are so filled with hate? I think I have said it before, that one cannot fight for an All-powerful Omnipotent Being. Surely God doesn’t go around collecting hate-filled people so as to turn heaven into a hate bank?

There are some conjectures that these terrorists joined in their unholy cause so that they will be given a place in heaven and be rewarded with 72 virgins to practise their carnal desires. I do not know if they truly believe it or not. I hope not. Maybe some simpleminded ones do. I think my chances of getting an exalted position in heaven are better than the terrorists. If I die and get to heaven, and God grants me 72 virgins, I would just have to tell Him nicely that this is not the way to run the Universe, and would He kindly delete me, as I want to have nothing to do with such a heaven. And I am sure any decent person would tell God the same thing.

Many of the terrorist attacks carried out in the world are from the Wahhabist(read Saudi) branch. I am not able to comment on the recent Russian school bombing by Chechens. The Chechen terrorists come from the Sufi school of Islam, which, with their colourful festivals and music, is so much different from the austere Wahhabism of the Saudis. Chechen men smoke, and drink alcohol.

What happened in the Russian school case was most likely a war that spread beyond Chechnya’s borders. It was not only horrifying, but was also a very bad move politically. It lost the Chechens a lot of moral support from the west. Terrorism is usually self-defeating. In fact, I think the Russians mishandled Chechnya, the way they mishandled a lot of things. In the past, many western countries would have preferred to see Russia to be more accommodating towards Chechnya.
Fat chance of that happening now.


Update: The barbarity involved in the Russian school massacre was also extended to the militants themselves. According to this news report one of the militants was captured, and his lawyer revealed the following bit of information:

Umar Sikoyev, a lawyer for a captured militant identified as Nur-Pashi Kulayev, said the band's leader did not tell them what their mission was and that after the seizure a fierce argument broke out in the band, with several objecting that taking children as hostages was wrong.

The raid's commander shot the dissidents' leader to death and then detonated the suicide belts worn by two women raiders by remote control to establish order in the band, Sikoyev told The Associated Press.

A few years ago, a friend spotted an old aquarium lying around my home. She said that an aquarium was meant to contain water. Then she insisted that either I threw away the aquarium, or keep some fish in it. With water of course. From the fengshui point of view, it was not good to leave an aquarium empty. It signified a lack of water, which in turn signified a lack of prosperity.

Prosperity? That sort of interested me. I did not know if prosperity was better than sex but people said that it was a very good thing. So okay. Quickly, I filled the aquarium up with water. Then I went to the nearest pond and netted some small longkang fish. I think they were guppies. I introduced them into the aquarium. They thrived even though I didn't use a filter for the aquarium. Hardy fellas.

In the wild, many longkang guppies do not survive to adulthood because they get eaten by bigger fish. So I figured that I was doing these guppies a favour by letting them live in my aquarium. And they seemed alright. A small packet of fishfood is enough to last for a year.

Rearing guppies for fengshui reasons appears to be quite rare. In fact, I have not heard of anyone else doing it. It is not that I cannot afford bigger fishes. But I remembered a fengshui master once saying that it was not necessary to breed goldfish, arowana, or Flower Horn fish for good fengshui. Practically any fish would do. The purpose of the fish was to create movement and make the water 'come alive'. I was okay with that line of thought. Which was why I did not joined in the Flower Horn craze.

Whether I got good fengshui or not, I am not sure. But the guppies are certainly enjoying an easy life in my aquarium. Looks like they are already benefiting from good fengshui.

Yesterday, I chanced to note that some surfer landed at this blog through a Google search on "sex love dog OR dogs "woman's best friend".

I was so grossed out. Totally. My hair stood on end. Even the curly ones straightened out. Eeeeeewwww!!!!!!!

Now, I may not be sexually conservative, but I draw the line on sex with animals. Humankind should just stick with humankind. Interspecies sexual flings can never be a good thing. It is totally unwholesome, unnatural, and un-a-lot-of-things.

I hope this popular story convinces you:
There was this horny guy who went to a whorehouse. He didn't have any money, so the madame refused to let him have a girl. However, the madame said that there was this chicken which he could have sex with, without charge.

So she took him to a room which had a mirror along the wall and a chicken in the center of the room. She left him there for half an hour. He caught hold of the chicken and showed it no mercy.

The following week, he was horny again and he went to the same whorehouse. This time, he had a bit of money, so the madame said that he could watch a sex show for a small fee.

She took him to a room where there was already a crowd gathered along the wall of the room. There was a glass panel which allowed the crowd to see into the next room, where a couple was busy making love.

The guy was impressed, and said, "Wahhhh.....this one shiok, man!"
One bored voice in the crowd replied, "Aiiyahhh......this one nothing, lah! You should have been here last week.......fuiyoh......there was one horny guy chasing a chicken around the room and screwing it like crazy!"

End of story. And the moral of the story is? Avoid animal sex, even if it is free!

So I got to wondering......what on earth did I write to get a Google hit for that degenerate topic?

On checking, I found that the Google hit was for the review of the movie "Freaky Friday" which I did eleven months ago on Monday, October 27, 2003.

Shhhheeeeeeshhh..........it's enough to make me want to stop doing any more movie reviews.

Over the weekend, I invented a new acronym: P.O.I.S.O.M.
It comes before the word POISON in the new dictionary, so you now have an idea that you should avoid POISOM before you avoid POISON.

Actually, POISOM stands for Political Overfed Idiots Speaking On Morality.

Reading through yesterday's Star in the "Last week at the Dewan Rakyat" column on page 19, I came across this mindless statement from the MP from Jerai. To quote the paper:
Touching on the influence of popular entertainment show Akademi Fantasia, Badruddin said it was a waste of time.

I have always wondered how the BN can pick such bad candidates to run in Jerai. I can take a stone and throw into a crowd and still hit someone who has more intelligence than the current member of parliament.

Imagine calling Akademi Fantasia a 'waste of time'. And in Parliament too, when I expect our MPs to be working hard for our betterment instead of harping on trivial issues. I got news for the decrepit datuk; all television is a waste of time, irregardless whether it is Akademia Fantasia or some other documentary. Or political propaganda disguised as documentaries.

In fact, if you want to get technical about it, all life is a waste of time, because in the end, you die anyway. That's the whole point, that since all life is a waste of time, the only thing we can do is to choose the method by which we waste our time. Get it? And some people choose to waste their time by watching their favourite TV shows wherelse the decrepit YB of Jerai choose to waste his time by talking about it in Parliament. The only difference is that we, the rakyat, are paying for the YB's time and salary in Parliament.

To quote the Star again:
“If we allow such things to go on, it will lead to the destruction of our children's morals,” he said.

Now get this into your thick head, YB. Our children have more morals than you. Look around and see who are those people arrested for corruption. They belong to your generation. Walk to any park and you will see that our children use the rubbish bins, wherelse people of your generation chuck rubbish everywhere.

Everytime I hear a politician talking about morality, I want to puke. This POISOM is worse than poison.

Oh wait, there's more. The concerned YB even had the idiocy to say that "'Akademi Fantasia' is among the elements killing our arts scene." Since when? Any one familiar with the arts scene would know that it is City Hall killing the arts scene. City Hall's insistence that artists cannot follow unapproved scripts will strangle the arts scene very much faster than the YB can pronounce "Akademia Fantasia". I am not sure what City Hall does, but it is well known for only two things: killing the arts scene, and having its officers hanging around in KLCC and getting accused of bribery.

Is anybody listening to me? Will somebody please pick a more intelligent BN candidate to run in Jerai? And no more POISOM please.

I was shopping in the new wing of 1Utama on Tuesday when I came across this window display at one clothing retail store.



I was not sure if I was reading this correctly.

"fcuk FOR 50% off "

Well, the instructions were simple enough.

If that was what I was required to do in order to get a discount of 50% off, then I guessed I should just follow the instructions. Hey, 50% off for a bit of physical effort was worth it.

So I went into the shop and spotted a few damn good looking salesgirls inside. As I was debating on the best methodology on how to satisfy the sex act requirement with all of them, I noticed the rows of clothes that were put up for sale. Those clothes were not really suitable for me. Heck, I should have known that there was a catch somewhere.

That's the problem with our business establishments. They try to sucker you in with all sorts of gimmicks in order to get rid of unsold merchandise. So I kept my juices within myself and walked out. I'm sure you would have done the same.

I got my wish yesterday. I had wished that the cops would take action against drivers who fly the flag and flout the law. This happens every year around Merdeka. I call this phenomenon "flag abuse". Somehow, many drivers appear to think that by flying the flag, they have a license to break the law. This year wasn't too bad. It was much worse last year when I saw cars that flew the flag go up one-way streets in the wrong direction, or parked indisciminately. And nobody would take any action because these idiots were mislabelled as "patriotic people".

Yesterday, I was at the traffic lights waiting for it to turn green. One car was impatient and it decided not to wait. So it ran through the red light. Yeah, it was flying the flag. Just one of the many clear cases of flag abuse.

It has been my observation that many flag flyers do not love this country. If you want to fly a flag, fine by me. But please do not use it as a smokescreen to show disrespect for the country's laws. And don't try to use the argument that all flag flyers are law abiding people. Because, if you open up your eyes, you would know that a very high proportion are not decent folks.

I remembered that last year, I wanted to get a camera and document all the many instances of flag abuse I saw. But I didn't. I love the flag. To see it being used this way pains me. But I have no wish to prove the link between flag flyers and unpatriotic criminals. So I just swallowed my own anger. Instead, I wished that the cops would have a change of heart and take action against the flag flyers who flout the law. I got my wish yesterday.

While travelling along another stretch of road yesterday, I saw a car came up behind me very fast. It was flying two flags. I pulled to the left lane to allow it to overtake me. It was probably doing 110 kph on a 90 kph trunk road. One minute later, I saw that same car being pulled up by the cops for speeding. Aha, finally some action taken against flag flyers who break the law. And about time too! There is hope.

At the 1Utama Complex yesterday, I took this picture.




Come again........most people doing what?

Apparently, it was an event designed to get the feat listed into the Malaysian Book of Records. I arrived too late to witness the event.

I have often wondered if anything and everything goes inside the Malaysian Book of Records.
But to have a record for "Most People Drinking Soup"?

It's like scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas. Where is the 'accomplishment factor' in that?

Oh wait, I can top that. How about a record for "Most People Wearing Purple Underwear"?