Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Twin Dragons of Li Daifu - Episode 3
Episode 3: The Nine Dark Princes of the Bow
Travelling through the forest into the Fujian Province, Li Chiang was overcome with loneliness. At the last two towns he passed through, he had abstained from the company of women. The problem with spending the night with a courtesan was that the pleasure lasted only a short time, and he still woke up with an empty feeling in his heart. And also with a lighter feeling in his pocket.
He lamented, “I have heard that when a boy loses his virginity to a courtesan, he receives an angpow in return. All these past weeks, I have never received a single angpow. So, officially I am still a virgin. Diu!”
Although he had about 200 silver taels worth of goods, and thus was considered a worthy trader, Li Chiang still sighed when he thought about his situation. “Yau mou kau chor arh. Spent so many years as a herbal doctor’s apprentice and now, look at me. Every inch a trader. It is merciful that sifu and simou are not alive to see this!”
Suddenly, an arrow winged from the right towards his head. Li Chiang’s ears picked up the lightest unusual whooosh of air, and immediately leapt up into the tree branches overhead. The arrow missed him and landed into a tree. The carriage kept on moving.
“What horse is this?” Li Chiang thought, “the owner is not on the carriage and the horse does not know how to stop. Lei lou mou keh lou mou. Horse so stupid!”
Peering through the leaves, he tried to locate the bowman. In his rush, he had left his Twin Dragon Blades in the carriage. Spotting some movement in the branches, he quickly shifted his position as two arrows whizzed past him.
He shouted, “Stay your arrows! I am only a simple daifu requesting passage!”
It was a mistake. His voice gave his position away and three arrows sped to his position from three directions. He had just enough time to leap to the trunk of another tree.
A hoarse voice answered him, “We are the Nine Dark Princes of the Bow. We are confiscating your horse and carriage.”
Li Chiang shouted back, “Oh, horse and carriage only, is it? You don’t have to shoot at me!”
He leapt to safety again as seven arrows flew and embedded themselves into the trunk of the tree where he was just moments before.
“You are providing us with valuable archery training! The ancient sages said that constant training would lead to life improvement. The one who gets you first gets an extra portion of the spoils! Hahaha!” laughed the hidden bowman. Other bowmen joined in the wicked laughter.
Deciding that it was too dangerous to hang around, Li Chiang leapt high over the branches as arrows flew about him, and raced over the treetops with his lightness kungfu. He caught up with his carriage and crouch on it as the horse continued moving on nonchalantly without a pause.
“Smart horse,” Li Chiang said, “the owner is not on the carriage and the horse is not stupid enough to stop. Chan hai mou tak teng. Horse so clever!”
Then he heard shouts of, “He’s getting away! Quick!”
A group of nine bowmen bandits appeared and started running after the carriage. Li Chiang whipped the horse and it galloped faster but the bowmen kept up the chase, unwilling to let their quarry escape so easily. After a while, it was clear that the pursuers were getting exhausted and about to give up the chase. Li Chiang slowed down for them, then stopped the horse and leapt down flashing his Twin Dragon Blades. The first two bowmen never quite knew how they died. The third and fourth bowmen saw the sabres swinging their direction but were too exhausted from the chase to avoid the unbelievably quick death dealing strokes.
One of the bowmen raised his bow and tiredly fired an arrow at Li Chiang, who deflected it away easily with his sabre. Before the bowman could fit another arrow to his bow, Li Chiang had reached him and sliced his stomach open wide. His intestines fell out onto the ground with a loud “PLOP!”
The four remaining bowmen threw away their bows and knelt down to beg for mercy, too tired from the running to put up a fight.
Li Chiang cut the strings on the bows, but felt uncomfortable in slaying four defenceless bandits, and so he wondered what to do with them. “I know. They can help me in my medical training. I will practise hitting the various yuedao points on them. It has been a long time since I had any practice.”
And so, Li Chiang started hitting the various yuedao points on the four bowmen so as to refresh himself on the knowledge his sifu had passed to him. He hit the yuedao points that caused the four bowmen to freeze in their movement. Then he practised hitting the ‘dumbness yuedao’ and found that the bowman could not speak. When he was tired of practicing the ‘dumbness yuedao’, he hit the ‘deafness yuedao’, then one by one he hit any yuedao that caught his imagination. At times he hit the wrong yuedao and obtained the wrong results. He was like a cat playing with four freshly caught mice. By and by, he even discovered a few yuedao points that his sifu had not taught him.
The four bowmen begged to be let off but Li Chiang told them, “A while ago, you wanted me to be part of your archery training. Now, you can be part of my medical training instead. If I keep training like this, in one year’s time I should be a very good physician. Nobody I know will allow me to practise on their qi pressure points like this. I am so glad that you came along!”
One of the bowmen begged to know for how long they would have to help the young herbal doctor in his medical training.
Li Chiang replied, “Let’s see. I also need training in bone setting. After this I will crack your bones one by one. Then I will practise setting them back. Consider yourselves honoured that you are allowed to help in my training!”
The four bowmen were getting very panic stricken. Then Li Chiang said, “Maybe I will open a private medical school. Then you four can help me in the yuedao and bone-setting courses. I am sure my students will love to practise on you. Mo tak teng! This is the best idea I’ve had all day!”
One of the bandits spoke, “Sir, if you will let us go, we will give you a hundred taels of silver.”
Li Chiang replied, “No. If I open a medical school, I can easily earn a thousand taels.”
Another bandit spoke up, “300 taels! All we have is 300 taels, and it took us years to accumulate that!”
“Are you trying to bribe me?” demanded Li Chiang, “Save your breath because I cannot be bribed! But I can be persuaded.”
“Please take all we have and discontinue all your medical training on us,” the bandit begged.
Finally, Li Chiang relented,” All right. I will let one of you go to fetch whatever you have. If I think it is close to the value of a thousand taels, I will let all of you go. Send someone whom you can all trust. If he does not come back, I will be practising heart transplants on the rest of you.”
The men chose their “Fifth Brother” to go and fetch their hoard of spoils they had accumulated over the years. Then they waited. Li Chiang wrapped a blue cape around him, put on his wide hat and sat on the ground to wait. A quarter of an hour later, Fifth Brother quietly returned with a bow and arrow. Aiming stealthily from behind the trees, he sent an arrow through the back of the figure in blue cape sitting on the ground, and the figure keeled over dead. Fifth Brother laughed wickedly as he walked over to the dead man.
“I think you have just killed your Seventh Brother” he heard Li Chiang said, “I made him wear my cape and hat, and sit in my position. Do not make the mistake of thinking that I am stupid! A sly rabbit has three openings to his den!”
The frightened bowman had not brought the money. Li Chiang warned him not to try any more tricks, and then made him go and fetch the money again.
A quarter of an hour later, he was back with another bow and arrow. Stealthily peeping from behind the trees he saw the figure in blue cape sitting on the ground. The other two bowmen were in a standing position. All of them had hats covering their faces, but which one was Li Chiang? Then he saw the wind moved the coat of one of the standing men and revealed the presence of the twin sabres. Without hesitation, he shot the man with the twin sabres through the heart with an arrow.
Walking cautiously to the fallen man, he heard a voice say, “Why are you always killing your brothers? Didn’t you hear me say that the sly rabbit will have 3 openings to the den?” He turned around to stare at Li Chiang, who now was the man in the blue cape sitting on the ground.
There were now only two bandits left; Fifth Brother and an old man with no teeth.
The man with no teeth was weeping, and he cried, “You cannot let him go again! If you do, I will be the next to die! He is more stupid than a pig!”
“How far is your hoard from here?” asked Li Chiang.
“About a quarter of an hour” was the reply.
“Good! This is what we will do,” said Li Chiang, “Both of you will race to uncover your hoard. The first person to show it to me will be allowed to keep one fifth of it. The second person to reach the hoard will die from my blades. Now run!”
The two men ran at once trying to get to their hoard first. The man with no teeth had been in a standing position the whole day and so his legs were numb and slow. Within a quarter of an hour, they had come to a hut behind some trees. Fifth Brother was faster, and he got hold of a hoe to dig at the ground where the hoard was buried.
The man with no teeth went and got another hoe. He then swung the hoe and brought it down hard on the neck of Fifth Brother. The blow caused Fifth Brother to go very still, with the head lolling loosely at an odd angle.
“I am going to be the first man to show you the hoard, and so I need not die. Also, by your words, I get to keep one fifth of the money,” he said.
“You must have killed or paralysed him. Need you hit so hard?” Li Chiang asked.
“I had to. The second man he shot was my son! I must have my revenge,” the man said.
Li Chiang nodded. There was no true brotherhood among thieves. The man pulled Fifth Brother to the bushes and left him there. Digging up the hoard, the man took his share, and then handed Li Chiang the rest; about 400 taels of silver.
Li Chiang said, “In keeping with my word, I will let you go free. However, the will of Heaven must be obeyed. To prevent you returning to a life of banditry, I will have to break both your arms before you go.”
The man replied. “I have already lost my son. I beg you, take only one arm and not both. I promise to leave the life of banditry.”
“Very well then, stretch forth one arm,” ordered Li Chiang.
The man stretched out his left arm and Li Chiang hit it with his Iron Palm technique, smashing the bone in three places.
“It will heal in time. But you will never be strong enough to pull a bow firmly,” Li Chiang told him.
As he left the forest, Li Chiang chuckled, “400 taels for doing some medical training. Not bad! The ancient sages were right. Constant training does lead to life improvement.”
Fifth Brother lay among the bushes, unable to move. His neck was broken and he was paralysed. He called out weakly for help, but none came. The next day, a pack of wild dogs discovered him. Fifth Brother once heard someone made the statement that wild dogs have patience, and would wait for a human to die first before feeding on the body. The wild dogs gathered quietly around him, and then in terror, he found that the statement was not true.
Next episode : The Secret flight of Jade Flower
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Travelling through the forest into the Fujian Province, Li Chiang was overcome with loneliness. At the last two towns he passed through, he had abstained from the company of women. The problem with spending the night with a courtesan was that the pleasure lasted only a short time, and he still woke up with an empty feeling in his heart. And also with a lighter feeling in his pocket.
He lamented, “I have heard that when a boy loses his virginity to a courtesan, he receives an angpow in return. All these past weeks, I have never received a single angpow. So, officially I am still a virgin. Diu!”
Although he had about 200 silver taels worth of goods, and thus was considered a worthy trader, Li Chiang still sighed when he thought about his situation. “Yau mou kau chor arh. Spent so many years as a herbal doctor’s apprentice and now, look at me. Every inch a trader. It is merciful that sifu and simou are not alive to see this!”
Suddenly, an arrow winged from the right towards his head. Li Chiang’s ears picked up the lightest unusual whooosh of air, and immediately leapt up into the tree branches overhead. The arrow missed him and landed into a tree. The carriage kept on moving.
“What horse is this?” Li Chiang thought, “the owner is not on the carriage and the horse does not know how to stop. Lei lou mou keh lou mou. Horse so stupid!”
Peering through the leaves, he tried to locate the bowman. In his rush, he had left his Twin Dragon Blades in the carriage. Spotting some movement in the branches, he quickly shifted his position as two arrows whizzed past him.
He shouted, “Stay your arrows! I am only a simple daifu requesting passage!”
It was a mistake. His voice gave his position away and three arrows sped to his position from three directions. He had just enough time to leap to the trunk of another tree.
A hoarse voice answered him, “We are the Nine Dark Princes of the Bow. We are confiscating your horse and carriage.”
Li Chiang shouted back, “Oh, horse and carriage only, is it? You don’t have to shoot at me!”
He leapt to safety again as seven arrows flew and embedded themselves into the trunk of the tree where he was just moments before.
“You are providing us with valuable archery training! The ancient sages said that constant training would lead to life improvement. The one who gets you first gets an extra portion of the spoils! Hahaha!” laughed the hidden bowman. Other bowmen joined in the wicked laughter.
Deciding that it was too dangerous to hang around, Li Chiang leapt high over the branches as arrows flew about him, and raced over the treetops with his lightness kungfu. He caught up with his carriage and crouch on it as the horse continued moving on nonchalantly without a pause.
“Smart horse,” Li Chiang said, “the owner is not on the carriage and the horse is not stupid enough to stop. Chan hai mou tak teng. Horse so clever!”
Then he heard shouts of, “He’s getting away! Quick!”
A group of nine bowmen bandits appeared and started running after the carriage. Li Chiang whipped the horse and it galloped faster but the bowmen kept up the chase, unwilling to let their quarry escape so easily. After a while, it was clear that the pursuers were getting exhausted and about to give up the chase. Li Chiang slowed down for them, then stopped the horse and leapt down flashing his Twin Dragon Blades. The first two bowmen never quite knew how they died. The third and fourth bowmen saw the sabres swinging their direction but were too exhausted from the chase to avoid the unbelievably quick death dealing strokes.
One of the bowmen raised his bow and tiredly fired an arrow at Li Chiang, who deflected it away easily with his sabre. Before the bowman could fit another arrow to his bow, Li Chiang had reached him and sliced his stomach open wide. His intestines fell out onto the ground with a loud “PLOP!”
The four remaining bowmen threw away their bows and knelt down to beg for mercy, too tired from the running to put up a fight.
Li Chiang cut the strings on the bows, but felt uncomfortable in slaying four defenceless bandits, and so he wondered what to do with them. “I know. They can help me in my medical training. I will practise hitting the various yuedao points on them. It has been a long time since I had any practice.”
And so, Li Chiang started hitting the various yuedao points on the four bowmen so as to refresh himself on the knowledge his sifu had passed to him. He hit the yuedao points that caused the four bowmen to freeze in their movement. Then he practised hitting the ‘dumbness yuedao’ and found that the bowman could not speak. When he was tired of practicing the ‘dumbness yuedao’, he hit the ‘deafness yuedao’, then one by one he hit any yuedao that caught his imagination. At times he hit the wrong yuedao and obtained the wrong results. He was like a cat playing with four freshly caught mice. By and by, he even discovered a few yuedao points that his sifu had not taught him.
The four bowmen begged to be let off but Li Chiang told them, “A while ago, you wanted me to be part of your archery training. Now, you can be part of my medical training instead. If I keep training like this, in one year’s time I should be a very good physician. Nobody I know will allow me to practise on their qi pressure points like this. I am so glad that you came along!”
One of the bowmen begged to know for how long they would have to help the young herbal doctor in his medical training.
Li Chiang replied, “Let’s see. I also need training in bone setting. After this I will crack your bones one by one. Then I will practise setting them back. Consider yourselves honoured that you are allowed to help in my training!”
The four bowmen were getting very panic stricken. Then Li Chiang said, “Maybe I will open a private medical school. Then you four can help me in the yuedao and bone-setting courses. I am sure my students will love to practise on you. Mo tak teng! This is the best idea I’ve had all day!”
One of the bandits spoke, “Sir, if you will let us go, we will give you a hundred taels of silver.”
Li Chiang replied, “No. If I open a medical school, I can easily earn a thousand taels.”
Another bandit spoke up, “300 taels! All we have is 300 taels, and it took us years to accumulate that!”
“Are you trying to bribe me?” demanded Li Chiang, “Save your breath because I cannot be bribed! But I can be persuaded.”
“Please take all we have and discontinue all your medical training on us,” the bandit begged.
Finally, Li Chiang relented,” All right. I will let one of you go to fetch whatever you have. If I think it is close to the value of a thousand taels, I will let all of you go. Send someone whom you can all trust. If he does not come back, I will be practising heart transplants on the rest of you.”
The men chose their “Fifth Brother” to go and fetch their hoard of spoils they had accumulated over the years. Then they waited. Li Chiang wrapped a blue cape around him, put on his wide hat and sat on the ground to wait. A quarter of an hour later, Fifth Brother quietly returned with a bow and arrow. Aiming stealthily from behind the trees, he sent an arrow through the back of the figure in blue cape sitting on the ground, and the figure keeled over dead. Fifth Brother laughed wickedly as he walked over to the dead man.
“I think you have just killed your Seventh Brother” he heard Li Chiang said, “I made him wear my cape and hat, and sit in my position. Do not make the mistake of thinking that I am stupid! A sly rabbit has three openings to his den!”
The frightened bowman had not brought the money. Li Chiang warned him not to try any more tricks, and then made him go and fetch the money again.
A quarter of an hour later, he was back with another bow and arrow. Stealthily peeping from behind the trees he saw the figure in blue cape sitting on the ground. The other two bowmen were in a standing position. All of them had hats covering their faces, but which one was Li Chiang? Then he saw the wind moved the coat of one of the standing men and revealed the presence of the twin sabres. Without hesitation, he shot the man with the twin sabres through the heart with an arrow.
Walking cautiously to the fallen man, he heard a voice say, “Why are you always killing your brothers? Didn’t you hear me say that the sly rabbit will have 3 openings to the den?” He turned around to stare at Li Chiang, who now was the man in the blue cape sitting on the ground.
There were now only two bandits left; Fifth Brother and an old man with no teeth.
The man with no teeth was weeping, and he cried, “You cannot let him go again! If you do, I will be the next to die! He is more stupid than a pig!”
“How far is your hoard from here?” asked Li Chiang.
“About a quarter of an hour” was the reply.
“Good! This is what we will do,” said Li Chiang, “Both of you will race to uncover your hoard. The first person to show it to me will be allowed to keep one fifth of it. The second person to reach the hoard will die from my blades. Now run!”
The two men ran at once trying to get to their hoard first. The man with no teeth had been in a standing position the whole day and so his legs were numb and slow. Within a quarter of an hour, they had come to a hut behind some trees. Fifth Brother was faster, and he got hold of a hoe to dig at the ground where the hoard was buried.
The man with no teeth went and got another hoe. He then swung the hoe and brought it down hard on the neck of Fifth Brother. The blow caused Fifth Brother to go very still, with the head lolling loosely at an odd angle.
“I am going to be the first man to show you the hoard, and so I need not die. Also, by your words, I get to keep one fifth of the money,” he said.
“You must have killed or paralysed him. Need you hit so hard?” Li Chiang asked.
“I had to. The second man he shot was my son! I must have my revenge,” the man said.
Li Chiang nodded. There was no true brotherhood among thieves. The man pulled Fifth Brother to the bushes and left him there. Digging up the hoard, the man took his share, and then handed Li Chiang the rest; about 400 taels of silver.
Li Chiang said, “In keeping with my word, I will let you go free. However, the will of Heaven must be obeyed. To prevent you returning to a life of banditry, I will have to break both your arms before you go.”
The man replied. “I have already lost my son. I beg you, take only one arm and not both. I promise to leave the life of banditry.”
“Very well then, stretch forth one arm,” ordered Li Chiang.
The man stretched out his left arm and Li Chiang hit it with his Iron Palm technique, smashing the bone in three places.
“It will heal in time. But you will never be strong enough to pull a bow firmly,” Li Chiang told him.
As he left the forest, Li Chiang chuckled, “400 taels for doing some medical training. Not bad! The ancient sages were right. Constant training does lead to life improvement.”
Fifth Brother lay among the bushes, unable to move. His neck was broken and he was paralysed. He called out weakly for help, but none came. The next day, a pack of wild dogs discovered him. Fifth Brother once heard someone made the statement that wild dogs have patience, and would wait for a human to die first before feeding on the body. The wild dogs gathered quietly around him, and then in terror, he found that the statement was not true.
Next episode : The Secret flight of Jade Flower
On Xiaxue and travel
I must be a liberal. I am a tad more sympathetic than most bloggers to Xiaxue’s postings about her KL trip and all the amusing ballyhoo. I wish she had a better experience in KL, but the fact was, she hadn’t. It’s a statistical thing. Few things are ever 100% satisfactory. Millions of people visit KL each year and there will be the odd thousand people who do not enjoy it here.
I have been to quite a number of countries. There were some places that I enjoyed and there were one or two that sucked. I have been pretty lucky as a traveler. My luggage has always been intact and I always had enough cash. The only time when I was at a loss for words was when I checked into a small hotel in Madurai In India, and there was no toilet paper. No problem, there was a jug of water and my left hand.
On the point of traveling, I wish people will blog about the taxi touts in KLIA. They seem to be a perennial problem. A guy gets off a plane, then walks pass the KL limousine counter without noticing it, accepts a taxi from a tout, gets driven everywhere and then gets fleeced. That would be a bad start to a vacation for anybody. The arrival hall at KLIA is where first impressions of the country are made. And they are often lasting impressions. We need to get rid of the touts.
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I have been to quite a number of countries. There were some places that I enjoyed and there were one or two that sucked. I have been pretty lucky as a traveler. My luggage has always been intact and I always had enough cash. The only time when I was at a loss for words was when I checked into a small hotel in Madurai In India, and there was no toilet paper. No problem, there was a jug of water and my left hand.
On the point of traveling, I wish people will blog about the taxi touts in KLIA. They seem to be a perennial problem. A guy gets off a plane, then walks pass the KL limousine counter without noticing it, accepts a taxi from a tout, gets driven everywhere and then gets fleeced. That would be a bad start to a vacation for anybody. The arrival hall at KLIA is where first impressions of the country are made. And they are often lasting impressions. We need to get rid of the touts.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Twin Dragons of Li Daifu - Episode 2
Episode 2 : The Will of Heaven
Li Chiang was in no hurry to get to his new home in the Fujian Province where his father was currently stationed. However, his finances were limited, which meant that he could not go sightseeing, and would also have to spend sparingly as he made his way to his family in Fuzhou city.
“Money not enough,” he thought, “but no problem. I can save money by sleeping inside a carriage instead of an inn, and I can earn money on the way by being a daifu(herbal doctor). There must be lots of sick people around I can cure!”
So he bought a cheap two-wheeled carriage and hitched it to his horse. And he wrote a sign on the carriage that said:
“LI DAIFU
GOT PAIN, HEAL PAIN.
GOT SICKNESS, HEAL SICKNESS.”
When he reached a little town, he displayed his sign prominently at the market place. However, because he looked too young to be a doctor, by the end of the day, nobody approached him.
“Fed up! A hundred rotten salted eggs! This town is full of healthy people! Wasted my time only!” he muttered.
As dusk approached, a man came up to him and asked, “Can you prescribed something for a lady? She is 5 months pregnant and is constantly vomiting.”
“Are you her husband?” asked Li.
“No, no, the lady is unmarried,” replied the man. “While travelling with her family, all her brothers, father and mother were all killed by the Seven Ghosts. She was raped by the Ghosts but managed to escape days later. Now she is pregnant.”
“I am sorry, but I do not know how to treat pregnant ladies. And you should stop believing in ghosts,” replied Li Daifu.
“What kind of daifu are you that you cannot do this simple thing? What if your own wife is pregnant?” the man asked.
“In that case, I will have to seek a daifu,” Li Chiang replied.
“One daifu seeking another daifu? This world has gone mad!” the man shouted as he walked off.
Li Chiang was ashamed to find that that his skills were so limited. But never mind, he will try his luck in the next town.
As he was travelling to the next town, he was ambushed by a group of seven armed men with cruel looking faces.
One of the men looked at him evilly and shouted, “Two hours!”
Another one shouted contemptuously, “One!”
“What are you doing?” asked Li Chiang.
“We are taking bets to see how long you will take to die after we cut off your arms and legs. This is your unlucky day. We are the Seven Ghosts!” replied one of them.
“You mean the Seven Ghosts are human bandits? Who kill and rape like unworthy animals? Who are not even fit to be rats?” exclaimed Li.
“Ha! I am sure you will provide us with much merriment as you die like a worthless dog! Fourth Brother, go up the carriage and slice off his arms and legs!” said the leader.
One of the Seven Ghosts took out a long broadsword and leaped up the carriage. Li whipped out his sabres in a flash and parried the attacker’s cutting stroke with the left sabre. Within the same movement, he plunge the right sabre into the attacker’s heart, and then kicked him off the carriage. Then he leaped down from the carriage to prepare for further attacks.
“He has killed Fourth Brother! We cannot let him escape. Make sure he dies slowly!” shouted the leader.
The men surrounded Li Chiang and rained down blows on him with their weapons. He avoided their blows and parried their weapons with his Twin Dragon Blades, as he fought for his life. The bandits were strong and fast, and many times he only managed to avoid getting killed by inches.
When one of the Ghosts slipped and fell, there was a momentary lull in all movement. Li Chiang saw his chance and with his lightness kungfu, leaped over their heads to outside the circle.
“I can’t fight them off if I remained encircled by them,” he thought to himself, “and it would be a matter of time before one of their blades finds me. But if I can separate them, I can kill them off one by one.”
Quickly, he ran up the slope of the hill by the side of the road, and the bandits pursued him. When Li Chiang reached the top of the hill, he turned around and saw that the bandits were not equally fast. Two of the bandits were close by, but the other four were slower and still at the middle portion of the slope. Running down the same slope, and having the advantage of higher ground, Li Chiang lopped off the head of the closest pursuer in one quick move and then plunged his sabre through the heart of the second bandit.
He then charged down at the remaining four bandits. At the last moment, he swerved to the left and slashed downwards with his right sabre. The force was of the blow was so great that it cut through the sword of one of the bandits and sliced away three quarters of the bandit’s throat, thus severing the windpipe. Another bandit found Li Chiang’s sabre plunged into his heart without knowing where the thrust came from.
The two remaining bandits turned to flee. But Li Chiang leaped to in front of them and separated their heads from their bodies in a flashing of blades. With the fight over, the young man suddenly realised that he had just taken away some human lives.
“Lei lou mou! Why did you have to force my hand! I am a daifu! Open for business for two days and still not yet healed one man. But already killed seven! Heaven arh, what manner of healer am I?”
Mortified at what he had just done, he travelled to the next village and stayed at a little inn sleeping and getting drunk for two days, too numbed to do anything.
On the third morning, he noticed much excitement at the inn and asked the waiter what the fuss was about.
The waiter told him, “This is a day for rejoicing! The bodies of the Seven Ghosts have been discovered killed miraculously. They were notorious bandits who have kept the people in fear for a long time! But we knew that one day, Heaven would rid us of them. Today, the people are offering prayers of thanks to Heaven!”
At that moment, Li Chiang remembered the dying words of Madame Sung, “Li Chiang, if you are one day called to do the will of Heaven, do not flinch from the task. If you have to kill, then do so without remorse. A man should be firm and decisive.”
Finally, he understood what his simou had meant. “How can I, a daifu, be asked to do the will of Heaven? Yau mou kau chor arh,” he cried, “Heaven should have been much more organised than this!”
Nevertheless, he felt much better, and so he made his way to the marketplace. Again he waited beside his carriage hoping to earn money by healing people. This time, he opened up his bag of herbs and displayed them on the ground to attract attention.
Then he shouted, “Don’t buy also come and see mah! Everybody I can cure! Everybody except pregnant ladies!”
A rich man passed by with his servants and looked at his herbs. Then he said, “I will offer you 2 taels of silver for the tiger penis.”
Li Chiang looked down at the dried tiger penis in the pile of herbs and replied, “That penis came from a very fierce white tiger. It took my sifu many months to trap it. It is worth at least 80 taels. If you eat it, you will also be like a fierce tiger in your bed. You will feel the power! Mou tak teng. Your nights will be filled with vigour and your wives will be quivering in eager anticipation each time you venture near them!”
“Sure or not?” the rich man asked, but Li Chiang could tell that he was interested.
After much haggling, Li Chiang sold the tiger penis for 30 taels of silver. At the end of the day, it was the only business he had transacted.
“Fed up! I trained to be a daifu for so many years but I have no business. But when I simply throw some old stuff on the ground, suddenly I have business. I think it is the will of Heaven that I become a trader.”
And thus, Li Chiang became a trader. Being familiar with medicinal herbs, he stocked up mostly on medicinal goods, and would buy ginseng roots, deer antlers and sometimes tiger penises in small villages to sell at high prices in the larger towns. With his Twin Dragon Blades, he could go through risky areas that other traders dared not go. With great risks came great opportunity. That way he earned a highly profitable income as he travelled from town to town.
Li Chiang still referred to himself as Li Daifu. Occasionally, he would heal sick people he met along the way, but he would not charge a fee. Instead, the sick paid for his services with an angpow according to their means.
Soon, he neared the borders of the Fujian Province.
Next episode: The Nine Dark Princes of the Bow
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Li Chiang was in no hurry to get to his new home in the Fujian Province where his father was currently stationed. However, his finances were limited, which meant that he could not go sightseeing, and would also have to spend sparingly as he made his way to his family in Fuzhou city.
“Money not enough,” he thought, “but no problem. I can save money by sleeping inside a carriage instead of an inn, and I can earn money on the way by being a daifu(herbal doctor). There must be lots of sick people around I can cure!”
So he bought a cheap two-wheeled carriage and hitched it to his horse. And he wrote a sign on the carriage that said:
“LI DAIFU
GOT PAIN, HEAL PAIN.
GOT SICKNESS, HEAL SICKNESS.”
When he reached a little town, he displayed his sign prominently at the market place. However, because he looked too young to be a doctor, by the end of the day, nobody approached him.
“Fed up! A hundred rotten salted eggs! This town is full of healthy people! Wasted my time only!” he muttered.
As dusk approached, a man came up to him and asked, “Can you prescribed something for a lady? She is 5 months pregnant and is constantly vomiting.”
“Are you her husband?” asked Li.
“No, no, the lady is unmarried,” replied the man. “While travelling with her family, all her brothers, father and mother were all killed by the Seven Ghosts. She was raped by the Ghosts but managed to escape days later. Now she is pregnant.”
“I am sorry, but I do not know how to treat pregnant ladies. And you should stop believing in ghosts,” replied Li Daifu.
“What kind of daifu are you that you cannot do this simple thing? What if your own wife is pregnant?” the man asked.
“In that case, I will have to seek a daifu,” Li Chiang replied.
“One daifu seeking another daifu? This world has gone mad!” the man shouted as he walked off.
Li Chiang was ashamed to find that that his skills were so limited. But never mind, he will try his luck in the next town.
As he was travelling to the next town, he was ambushed by a group of seven armed men with cruel looking faces.
One of the men looked at him evilly and shouted, “Two hours!”
Another one shouted contemptuously, “One!”
“What are you doing?” asked Li Chiang.
“We are taking bets to see how long you will take to die after we cut off your arms and legs. This is your unlucky day. We are the Seven Ghosts!” replied one of them.
“You mean the Seven Ghosts are human bandits? Who kill and rape like unworthy animals? Who are not even fit to be rats?” exclaimed Li.
“Ha! I am sure you will provide us with much merriment as you die like a worthless dog! Fourth Brother, go up the carriage and slice off his arms and legs!” said the leader.
One of the Seven Ghosts took out a long broadsword and leaped up the carriage. Li whipped out his sabres in a flash and parried the attacker’s cutting stroke with the left sabre. Within the same movement, he plunge the right sabre into the attacker’s heart, and then kicked him off the carriage. Then he leaped down from the carriage to prepare for further attacks.
“He has killed Fourth Brother! We cannot let him escape. Make sure he dies slowly!” shouted the leader.
The men surrounded Li Chiang and rained down blows on him with their weapons. He avoided their blows and parried their weapons with his Twin Dragon Blades, as he fought for his life. The bandits were strong and fast, and many times he only managed to avoid getting killed by inches.
When one of the Ghosts slipped and fell, there was a momentary lull in all movement. Li Chiang saw his chance and with his lightness kungfu, leaped over their heads to outside the circle.
“I can’t fight them off if I remained encircled by them,” he thought to himself, “and it would be a matter of time before one of their blades finds me. But if I can separate them, I can kill them off one by one.”
Quickly, he ran up the slope of the hill by the side of the road, and the bandits pursued him. When Li Chiang reached the top of the hill, he turned around and saw that the bandits were not equally fast. Two of the bandits were close by, but the other four were slower and still at the middle portion of the slope. Running down the same slope, and having the advantage of higher ground, Li Chiang lopped off the head of the closest pursuer in one quick move and then plunged his sabre through the heart of the second bandit.
He then charged down at the remaining four bandits. At the last moment, he swerved to the left and slashed downwards with his right sabre. The force was of the blow was so great that it cut through the sword of one of the bandits and sliced away three quarters of the bandit’s throat, thus severing the windpipe. Another bandit found Li Chiang’s sabre plunged into his heart without knowing where the thrust came from.
The two remaining bandits turned to flee. But Li Chiang leaped to in front of them and separated their heads from their bodies in a flashing of blades. With the fight over, the young man suddenly realised that he had just taken away some human lives.
“Lei lou mou! Why did you have to force my hand! I am a daifu! Open for business for two days and still not yet healed one man. But already killed seven! Heaven arh, what manner of healer am I?”
Mortified at what he had just done, he travelled to the next village and stayed at a little inn sleeping and getting drunk for two days, too numbed to do anything.
On the third morning, he noticed much excitement at the inn and asked the waiter what the fuss was about.
The waiter told him, “This is a day for rejoicing! The bodies of the Seven Ghosts have been discovered killed miraculously. They were notorious bandits who have kept the people in fear for a long time! But we knew that one day, Heaven would rid us of them. Today, the people are offering prayers of thanks to Heaven!”
At that moment, Li Chiang remembered the dying words of Madame Sung, “Li Chiang, if you are one day called to do the will of Heaven, do not flinch from the task. If you have to kill, then do so without remorse. A man should be firm and decisive.”
Finally, he understood what his simou had meant. “How can I, a daifu, be asked to do the will of Heaven? Yau mou kau chor arh,” he cried, “Heaven should have been much more organised than this!”
Nevertheless, he felt much better, and so he made his way to the marketplace. Again he waited beside his carriage hoping to earn money by healing people. This time, he opened up his bag of herbs and displayed them on the ground to attract attention.
Then he shouted, “Don’t buy also come and see mah! Everybody I can cure! Everybody except pregnant ladies!”
A rich man passed by with his servants and looked at his herbs. Then he said, “I will offer you 2 taels of silver for the tiger penis.”
Li Chiang looked down at the dried tiger penis in the pile of herbs and replied, “That penis came from a very fierce white tiger. It took my sifu many months to trap it. It is worth at least 80 taels. If you eat it, you will also be like a fierce tiger in your bed. You will feel the power! Mou tak teng. Your nights will be filled with vigour and your wives will be quivering in eager anticipation each time you venture near them!”
“Sure or not?” the rich man asked, but Li Chiang could tell that he was interested.
After much haggling, Li Chiang sold the tiger penis for 30 taels of silver. At the end of the day, it was the only business he had transacted.
“Fed up! I trained to be a daifu for so many years but I have no business. But when I simply throw some old stuff on the ground, suddenly I have business. I think it is the will of Heaven that I become a trader.”
And thus, Li Chiang became a trader. Being familiar with medicinal herbs, he stocked up mostly on medicinal goods, and would buy ginseng roots, deer antlers and sometimes tiger penises in small villages to sell at high prices in the larger towns. With his Twin Dragon Blades, he could go through risky areas that other traders dared not go. With great risks came great opportunity. That way he earned a highly profitable income as he travelled from town to town.
Li Chiang still referred to himself as Li Daifu. Occasionally, he would heal sick people he met along the way, but he would not charge a fee. Instead, the sick paid for his services with an angpow according to their means.
Soon, he neared the borders of the Fujian Province.
Next episode: The Nine Dark Princes of the Bow
Sunday, September 04, 2005
The law is equal to all
The public hug between two VIPs have reminded me about the big story last year where two members of the rakyat who were hugging in a park were given summons.
I do not think the abovementioned VIPs have been summoned, and common sense tells us that we cannot have one law for the VIPs and another law for the rakyat.
Keep this in mind, guys, and bring out the case in the event some City Hall retards decide to terrorize the rakyat for public hugging again.
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I do not think the abovementioned VIPs have been summoned, and common sense tells us that we cannot have one law for the VIPs and another law for the rakyat.
Keep this in mind, guys, and bring out the case in the event some City Hall retards decide to terrorize the rakyat for public hugging again.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
3 sentences on public hugging
I don’t understand why people are making such a big deal out of the public hug.
What, people hug publicly for fun only, cannot meh?
Like you never do it before issit?
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What, people hug publicly for fun only, cannot meh?
Like you never do it before issit?
Friday, September 02, 2005
Twin Dragons of Li Daifu – Episode 1
Episode 1 : The young apprentice
As a child, Li Chiang was extremely active. He was the fifth son of a government official and was always getting into fights with the neighbourhood boys, much to the despair of his father. At the age of 12, he was involved in a bruising fight where the son of a junior official was badly wounded. Quietly, the father settled the case and decided that it is best that the boy left the capital. The elder Li arranged for the boy to be apprenticed to an herbal doctor in Hsi Shan Mountains for a period of 3 years. He hoped that by learning the healing arts, his son would pick up a less violent outlook in life.
“Die lah! Die lah!” little Li Chiang kept crying when he heard the news. His father, who was waiting for an appropriate time to send the kid, finally could not take it anymore and instructed his servants to pack the kid and some clothes immediately and sent the boy to the herbal doctor without delay.
Master Sung, more popularly known as Sung Daifu (‘doctor’), was a famed herbal doctor in the Hsi Shan Mountains. He lived with his wife, Madame Sung, and did not have any sons. As a rule, he did not accept apprentices, but he owed Li Chiang’s father a blood debt in the past, and thus he agreed to become Li Chiang’s sifu. The father made clear to Master Sung that his son was not to be taught any martial arts.
Although he was old, and his eyesight slowly failing, Master Sung was a strict teacher. With no distractions of the city, the boy soon learned the qi meridians of the body, the various pressure points, and the herbs required for healing the various types of ailments.
“Your practice has no prospect,” the boy told him, “You are not going to make serious money if you keep on healing sick people.”
“Then who shall I heal?” asked the master.
“Dead people,” was the reply, “If you can do that, I can guarantee you big money!”
“Shut up. Your mind is like a cloud of dust. Useless and unsettled. You need to learn concentration. Meanwhile, go fetch some water,” the master told him.
Master Sung taught the boy breathing control to concentrate the mind. Quickly, the boy realised that by controlling his breath, he was able to exert some control in the flow of the bodily qi, thus increased his Internal Energy. He was a gifted learner, and by the time 3 years were up, he could exert the force of two adult men in short concentrated bursts of energy.
Madame Sung took charge of Li Chiang’s calligraphy lessons. She was stunned to learn that the boy was ambidextrous, but she kept quiet about it. Instead, she taught him to use the brush with both hands, explaining to him that if ever his right hand was injured, he could still use the left hand to write.
On returning to the capital at the end of three years, Li Chiang behaved for a while. But he was bored, and would go around the house trying to practice his healing skills on the healthy servants, causing them to complain to the father. After his father admonished him, he would go around the house shaking his head and muttering, “Yau mou kau chor arh!. Heal you for free and still complain! Fed up!”
A year later, he was in a restaurant when two sons of a lowly magistrate got drunk and abused him. In the fight that ensued, he beat up the two men using raw force alone, without any knowledge of the martial arts. When they reached for their swords, Li Chiang picked up a bench and swung it at them with such force from his Internal Energy that they could not parry the blow. After the two men were injured, Li Chiang’s father was in a state of concern. He was expecting a promotion soon and cannot afford to have a son stirring up trouble. Thus he decided that it was time that the boy went for another 3 more years of training under Master Sung again.
Age had caught up with Master Sung. He was glad to see the sixteen-year-old boy once more. Because of his sifu’s failing eyesight, Li Chiang soon found himself taking on the role of the doctor whenever the sick called upon them. He would weigh the herbs, chopped and sliced them, pack them into dosages for the patients. Whenever he was free, he would practise the control of qi in his breathing technique. Master Sung impressed upon him that it was the constant repetition of the same basic breathing technique that would develop Internal Energy over a long period of time. The boy was a rapid learner. When the aged couple watched the boy practise calligraphy on a sandy plot of land using a leafy branch as a brush, it was like watching a formless flowing energy manoeuvring the brush strokes.
But when the boy was just 17 years old, Master Sung laid on his deathbed.
“Li Chiang,” he whispered, “I am dying. Listen well. A sly rabbit will have three openings to its den.”
“Sifu,” the young man cried, “You can’t die. And why are you talking about rabbits?”
Master Sung said, “Everybody dies. Some die in bed. Others on the battlefield. Death is the will of Heaven. Li Chiang, if you are one day called to do the will of Heaven, do not flinch from the task. The will of Man must bow to the will of Heaven.”
“What do you mean by that?” asked the younger man.
Master Sung smiled peacefully and died without answering.
After the burial, Madame Sung took Li Chiang aside and told him, “I am getting old as well and will not have many years left. You have two more years to go before your father’s servants come for you. I am not knowledgeable enough to teach you the healing arts. Your calligraphy brushwork is already better than mine.”
“You can teach me how to handle a sword,” suggested Li Chiang.
“In keeping with our agreement with your father, I cannot teach you to use a weapon during this three-year period,” replied Madame Sung, “and since I don’t think that you would like to learn sewing, I will therefore teach you the Lightness Kung Fu instead. This will be useful when you are at the hill slopes digging for herbs. Should you slip and fall, the Lightness Kung Fu may help you leap to safety.”
“Will it take long to learn?” asked Li Chiang.
“About ten years. But if you soak your body in a tub of herbs every evening, it will take only one year.”
At the end of the 3-year period, when his father’s servants came for him, Li Chiang had the strength of 4 men and could leap onto the roof in a single leap. Meanwhile, his father had been promoted to become the Imperial Governor of the Fujian province and the son was asked to join him in the Fujianese provincial capital of Fuzhou.
Li Chiang told the servants to return without him, saying, “The Fujian Province? I hear the Fujian girls all talk with one kind of funny slang. Weird but interesting! But my simou Madame Sung is already old and weakly. I fear she has not long to live. I will stay here and care for her in her last days. Leave me a horse and plenty of money. Tell my honourable father that I will join him in Fuzhou when the time comes.”
Governor Li was pleased when he heard of his son’s reason for not returning home. “It is good that my son learns responsibility. Finally, he understands the importance of caring for others, instead of fighting,” he told his wife.
Meanwhile, Madame Sung was grateful to know of Li Chiang’s decision.
“Kneel down, “she commanded Li Chiang.
The young man knelt down without knowing why.
Madame Sung proclaimed, “Li Chiang, you have been like a son to me. During the past years, I have agreed not to teach you the martial arts. Now, that period of agreement with your father is over, I wish to pass the Twin Dragon Blades technique to you. Although I know part of the technique, only an ambidextrous person can comprehend the balance of its strokes to fully bring out its tremendous power. When I first discovered that you were ambidextrous, I knew that you have been sent by Heaven to me.”
“Huh? What twins? What dragons?” exclaimed Li Chiang.
Pointing to a spot on the ground, Madame Sung instructed the young man to dig. He soon unearthed a metal box containing two sabres that were ordinary looking, shorter but heavier than the average sabre. In the box was also an old manual.
Madame Sung said, “I am the secret Guardian of the Twin Dragon Blades forged by the legendary Sword Master of Thunder Valley two hundred years ago. They were passed on to me by my late grandfather and I kept them buried here secretly. In the hands of the right person, wielding those two blades is like wielding two dragons. I am able to interpret the manual, but I am unable to demonstrate the strokes fully. I now appoint you the next Guardian of the Twin Dragon Blades. You will have to master the technique based on my interpretation of the manual. And you will have to practise hard.”
Li Chiang looked at her incredulously and said, “Practise hard? No need lah! I heard that some highly skilled martial artist can passed on their skills to a disciple by just putting their palms on the back of the disciple. Can save time and improve efficiency.”
His simou replied, “Shut up. You will learn it the hard way. I am going to refrain from dying until you learn! The techniques of sabre play are many. You have to feel as if the sabres are the extensions of your hands. To maintain balance, both hands need to coordinate closely with each other. Notice that the blades are short, yet heavy. Used correctly, they can cut through an ordinary sword.”
The many years of training in calligraphy brush techniques with both hands gave Li Chiang a strong foundation for his sabre strokes, and he soon mastered all the techniques in the Twin Dragon Blades manual. By combining his elegant strokeplay with the power from his internal energy, Madame Sung transformed him into a formidable martial artist.
Two years later, Madame Sung laid on her deathbed. With her last few moments, she gasped, “Li Chiang, We do not always know what Heaven has planned for us. You have enough knowledge of the Internal Energy Iron Palm technique to help you get out of trouble. Do not use the Twin Dragon Blades unless it cannot be avoided. Do you still remember what your sifu told you?”
“He said that a sly rabbit would have three openings to the den.”
“Remember that well. Your sifu also told you that if you are ever called to do the will of Heaven, do not flinch from the task. Listen to my words; you are a doctor who save lives, but if you have to kill, then do so without remorse. You are already twenty-one years of age. A grown man should be firm and decisive.”
“Yes, simou,” Li Chiang said, fighting back the tears, “Do you have any last matters you have not fulfilled? If so, I will fulfil them for you.”
“Li Chiang, to know that you will bury me beside my husband’s grave, gives me peace. To know that you will burn a candle for me when I am gone gives me great joy. To know that you, a son of a Provincial Governor, treat me and my departed husband better than many sons would treat their natural parents; that is honour enough for us.”
Li Chiang sat beside Madame Sung through the night. Tears streamed down his face when she breathed her last.
Two weeks later, he packed his belongings, the sabres and all the remaining herbs in the house, and placed them on his horse. Then he knelt down and bowed low before the graves of Master and Madame Sung. Having said his goodbyes, he took a last look at the surroundings, climbed onto the horse and rode away.
Next episode: The Will of Heaven
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Akan Datang
In the month of September, I will be posting a kungfu story. This one will be longer and more serious than the Lantern Tales so I can’t do what I did before; post the entire story in one week. The number of episodes will be around ten, therefore what I will do is that, I will post about 2 or 3 episodes a week concurrently with my normal blog postings.
Wuxia fiction is usually full of strange coincidences, backbreaking trials, revenge, friendship, courage and powerful weapons. Although I will try to break away from standard wuxia fare, there will be a lot of wuxia elements that I will have to keep, so that it will be recognized as wuxia fiction. In other words, I cannot try to be a trailblazer, since this will be my first piece of wuxia work. And another thing; it cannot be as inane as the Lantern Tales.
Posting a story through a blog has its limitations. The story has to be short. Each episode has to be kept to a length of not more than 4 Word pages. Anything more would be difficult to read. In keeping with wuxia tradition, I have to call it by an anime name, like the “Twin Dragons of Li Daifu” to make it sound like a traditional kungfu story.
The storyline is about the unruly fifth son of an Imperial official. The boy was always getting into fights, so at last the exasperated father sent the boy to the western mountains to train under an herbal doctor, in order that he might learn a different perspective in life. But the boy was quite a character, and grew up somewhat different from what the parents had envisaged. First posting will be this Friday.
Although I want to do a Merdeka post tomorrow, there is a chance that I will not be anywhere near a computer for the next two days. Hot Babe has something lined up for me. So I will just say this now:
MERDEKA!!! MERDEKA!!! MERDEKA!!!
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Wuxia fiction is usually full of strange coincidences, backbreaking trials, revenge, friendship, courage and powerful weapons. Although I will try to break away from standard wuxia fare, there will be a lot of wuxia elements that I will have to keep, so that it will be recognized as wuxia fiction. In other words, I cannot try to be a trailblazer, since this will be my first piece of wuxia work. And another thing; it cannot be as inane as the Lantern Tales.
Posting a story through a blog has its limitations. The story has to be short. Each episode has to be kept to a length of not more than 4 Word pages. Anything more would be difficult to read. In keeping with wuxia tradition, I have to call it by an anime name, like the “Twin Dragons of Li Daifu” to make it sound like a traditional kungfu story.
The storyline is about the unruly fifth son of an Imperial official. The boy was always getting into fights, so at last the exasperated father sent the boy to the western mountains to train under an herbal doctor, in order that he might learn a different perspective in life. But the boy was quite a character, and grew up somewhat different from what the parents had envisaged. First posting will be this Friday.
Although I want to do a Merdeka post tomorrow, there is a chance that I will not be anywhere near a computer for the next two days. Hot Babe has something lined up for me. So I will just say this now:
MERDEKA!!! MERDEKA!!! MERDEKA!!!
Monday, August 29, 2005
The Auntie snorkeller
Fed up. Expected Auntie Lilian to post up a decent pic of herself snorkelling in Redang.
Instead she posted a pic that is so covered up that whether that one is a man, woman or dugong, I also don't know. Some more dare to challenge me to give a better pic!
Okay, let's see my pic of Auntie Lilian, the fearless snorkeller!
Hooiyoh!
If you are Lilian's fan, and you think my pic is better than her pic, please go to her site and paste in these comments:
"Auntie Lilian, Viewtru's pic is si beh better than your pic!"
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Instead she posted a pic that is so covered up that whether that one is a man, woman or dugong, I also don't know. Some more dare to challenge me to give a better pic!
Okay, let's see my pic of Auntie Lilian, the fearless snorkeller!
Hooiyoh!
If you are Lilian's fan, and you think my pic is better than her pic, please go to her site and paste in these comments:
"Auntie Lilian, Viewtru's pic is si beh better than your pic!"
Returning cars to Proton
This is a shocker: Dr Mahathir returns cars to Proton.
Of course, the press is speculating on all sorts of ridiculous reasons why Dr M is doing this, mentioning APs and boardroom politics. Now I don't buy that.
So I am now trying to figure out the real reasons why he would want to return the cars.
Is it because the door handles and other plastic parts break off frequently?
Or maybe the power windows don't work as well as they are supposed to?
Or could it be the cranky central locking system?
Look, what I am saying is that you can't go around returning free cars. Not unless you have a good enough reason.
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Of course, the press is speculating on all sorts of ridiculous reasons why Dr M is doing this, mentioning APs and boardroom politics. Now I don't buy that.
So I am now trying to figure out the real reasons why he would want to return the cars.
Is it because the door handles and other plastic parts break off frequently?
Or maybe the power windows don't work as well as they are supposed to?
Or could it be the cranky central locking system?
Look, what I am saying is that you can't go around returning free cars. Not unless you have a good enough reason.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
3 sentences on answering questions
Sometimes the answer is "Yes" and sometimes the answer is "No".
It does not matter what the question is.
It all depends on who's doing the asking.
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It does not matter what the question is.
It all depends on who's doing the asking.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
WORD PUZZLE
I’m bored. But the fact that I’m bored is no reason why you should be too. Boredom hates company.
Tell you wut, I’m gonna solve today’s Star WORD PUZZLE for you.
_ ALM : “This can have a soothing effect.”
I know that when I need soothing, a nice massage does wonders, especially when a pretty masseuse rubs her palm all over you. The answer is “PALM”. And by the way, I don’t want any wankers giving me lewd suggestions in the comment box. We all know what a palm is for.
_ _ARD : “Misers tend to ….. their money obsessively.”
This is a tough one. I know that when my little nephew say that I am a miser, I will take out some money to shut him up. The answer is “AWARD”.
Okay, we’re doing well so far. Let’s go with the roll a do yesterday’s Star WORD PUZZLE as well.
S _ E _ _ : “A motel is a place where travellers can ….. the night. ”
Another tough one. You have to know what you are doing in the motel in the first place. 90% sneak a woman into a motel to have steamy sex. The answer could be “SNEAK”, but hey brother, you are paying for the motel room with good money. You don’t have to sneak shit. The more appropriate answer is “STEAM”.
F _ R _ : “A speech full of …. can roust a crowds emotion.”
This one is easy; the answer is “FART”.
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Tell you wut, I’m gonna solve today’s Star WORD PUZZLE for you.
_ ALM : “This can have a soothing effect.”
I know that when I need soothing, a nice massage does wonders, especially when a pretty masseuse rubs her palm all over you. The answer is “PALM”. And by the way, I don’t want any wankers giving me lewd suggestions in the comment box. We all know what a palm is for.
_ _ARD : “Misers tend to ….. their money obsessively.”
This is a tough one. I know that when my little nephew say that I am a miser, I will take out some money to shut him up. The answer is “AWARD”.
Okay, we’re doing well so far. Let’s go with the roll a do yesterday’s Star WORD PUZZLE as well.
S _ E _ _ : “A motel is a place where travellers can ….. the night. ”
Another tough one. You have to know what you are doing in the motel in the first place. 90% sneak a woman into a motel to have steamy sex. The answer could be “SNEAK”, but hey brother, you are paying for the motel room with good money. You don’t have to sneak shit. The more appropriate answer is “STEAM”.
F _ R _ : “A speech full of …. can roust a crowds emotion.”
This one is easy; the answer is “FART”.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Another political show
After the "not much fireworks" MCA show, we now have the Gerakan show also. Not that I think it is a fantastic show, but there is nothing remotely entertaining on TV lately.
So, Kerk is going to challenge Old Man Lim head-on, is he?
Lim has once likened himself earlier this year to "a banyan tree".
A banyan tree? Sheeeeesh!
Now Kerk wants to chop down a tree. He should know that this is environmentally not feasible and can't be done. The most he can do is lop off a few branches.
I'm bored already.
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So, Kerk is going to challenge Old Man Lim head-on, is he?
Lim has once likened himself earlier this year to "a banyan tree".
A banyan tree? Sheeeeesh!
Now Kerk wants to chop down a tree. He should know that this is environmentally not feasible and can't be done. The most he can do is lop off a few branches.
I'm bored already.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Tanjung Sepat lunch trip.
On Saturday, I took Hot Babe to Tanjung Sepat(Malaysia's UFO capital) for some seafood. We went by the Elite Highway to KLIA, turn towards the F1 racetrack, then turn towards Sungei Pelek and passed by Bagan Lalang. The journey took slightly less than one and a half hours.
To get to the seafood restaurant, we have to get off the main trunk road and turn in a small road at the water tower. This road leads to a coastal road parallel to the trunk road. There were a number of seafood restaurants, and we went to the one near the jetty, a small restaurant called Ocen Seafood Restaurant. (Look for a road sign ‘Jalan Senangin’, go past the shophouses to the end where there is a tree. The jetty is hidden behind the tree.)
This was what lunch cost me:
Steamed Red Snapper – RM19
Crabs (kam heung style) - RM30
Vegetables - RM6
Alright, the price was not exactly cheap, and the crabs were small. The fish was okay though. Comparatively, the restaurants at Kuala Selangor would be the better deal for the same traveling time. Beats me why the aliens want to visit this place. Still, it was an interesting trip, and parking was easy. After the lunch, we walked on the jetty to look at the fishing boats moored alongside.
On the way back, we stopped at Bagan Lalang to look at people flying kites
Look at the number of people staring at one kite. As a beach, Bagan Lalang is pretty unhappening, because the sand is darkish and one has to walk really far out to swim. Unlike many years ago, I did not see anyone digging for clams this time, so I guess that most of the clams have already been hunted to extinction by tourists. Surprisingly enough, the beach was decently well kept, with little evidence of rubbish, unlike Port Dickson. I bought 8 fried cempedak at a stall for 1 ringgit and ate at the beach while Hot Babe took pics of me.
Coming back, we passed a farm growing dragon fruits, so I stopped to take this shot.
The leaves of the plant are funny, like long green triangular shaped ropes. The fruits grown here have red flesh. I was told that the farms sell the fruit for RM12 per kg. Which is about the same as the prices in the supermarkets. The only advantage is that it is freshly picked.
There was a slight haze in the air while we were travelling, but it was not too bad.
Travelling back on the Elite Highway, we stopped for teh tarik at the Dengkil Rest area. This must be one of the most ridiculous Rest areas around. It’s like every third stall is selling teh tarik. And every second stall is a nasi campur(mixed rice) stall. Totally boring! The gawdawful corporate dickhead who runs the place must have such a flat imagination, that it could probably be utilized as an extension of the KLIA runway.
I bought a cempedak for RM6 at the Tanjung Sepat market, and when I reached home and opened it, I found that it was really sweet. It was all in all, considered a worthwhile trip.
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To get to the seafood restaurant, we have to get off the main trunk road and turn in a small road at the water tower. This road leads to a coastal road parallel to the trunk road. There were a number of seafood restaurants, and we went to the one near the jetty, a small restaurant called Ocen Seafood Restaurant. (Look for a road sign ‘Jalan Senangin’, go past the shophouses to the end where there is a tree. The jetty is hidden behind the tree.)
This was what lunch cost me:
Steamed Red Snapper – RM19
Crabs (kam heung style) - RM30
Vegetables - RM6
Alright, the price was not exactly cheap, and the crabs were small. The fish was okay though. Comparatively, the restaurants at Kuala Selangor would be the better deal for the same traveling time. Beats me why the aliens want to visit this place. Still, it was an interesting trip, and parking was easy. After the lunch, we walked on the jetty to look at the fishing boats moored alongside.
On the way back, we stopped at Bagan Lalang to look at people flying kites
Look at the number of people staring at one kite. As a beach, Bagan Lalang is pretty unhappening, because the sand is darkish and one has to walk really far out to swim. Unlike many years ago, I did not see anyone digging for clams this time, so I guess that most of the clams have already been hunted to extinction by tourists. Surprisingly enough, the beach was decently well kept, with little evidence of rubbish, unlike Port Dickson. I bought 8 fried cempedak at a stall for 1 ringgit and ate at the beach while Hot Babe took pics of me.
Coming back, we passed a farm growing dragon fruits, so I stopped to take this shot.
The leaves of the plant are funny, like long green triangular shaped ropes. The fruits grown here have red flesh. I was told that the farms sell the fruit for RM12 per kg. Which is about the same as the prices in the supermarkets. The only advantage is that it is freshly picked.
There was a slight haze in the air while we were travelling, but it was not too bad.
Travelling back on the Elite Highway, we stopped for teh tarik at the Dengkil Rest area. This must be one of the most ridiculous Rest areas around. It’s like every third stall is selling teh tarik. And every second stall is a nasi campur(mixed rice) stall. Totally boring! The gawdawful corporate dickhead who runs the place must have such a flat imagination, that it could probably be utilized as an extension of the KLIA runway.
I bought a cempedak for RM6 at the Tanjung Sepat market, and when I reached home and opened it, I found that it was really sweet. It was all in all, considered a worthwhile trip.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Viewtru’s Lantern Tales direction pointer
For those of you who are here to read the Lantern Tales because of a link from Minishorts, the story link is found here.
The Lantern Tales was posted over 5 days from August 1st to August 5th and is related to the Mid Autumn Lantern festival.
This story has a slightly adult theme and is best read with a relaxed mind, and so I wish you, “Happy reading!”
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The Lantern Tales was posted over 5 days from August 1st to August 5th and is related to the Mid Autumn Lantern festival.
This story has a slightly adult theme and is best read with a relaxed mind, and so I wish you, “Happy reading!”
Haze coming back, Monday
Some of my readers actually answered the zen riddle I put up yesterday. Frankly, I don’t know what the answer is. It would depend on whether the squirrel died or not, wouldn’t it? There are thousands of webpages explaining the answer to a similar riddle(“If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?”) so I won’t bother trying to outdo them.
Technically, sound waves in the air are silent, existing only as traveling pressure waves in a gas medium. The ear converts these air vibrations into sounds, so the squirrel will need to be alive to do the conversion. Interestingly enough, Spectrakia brought up the possibility of the squirrel having a hearing problem. Hahahahaha! I didn’t think of that one!
So, if ever anyone should ask you that riddle, you should answer back, “How should I know arh?”
This morning, I read in the papers that the haze is coming back next week on Monday.
You know how the Meteorological Services Department likes to give us a lot of technical reasons why this is so. Reasons that nobody can understand. Not even them. How sure are they that the haze is really saying “I am coming back, Monday”?
A little bird told me that the Meteorological officers were staring into space when they saw the haze form a smoky picture of a goat, a chicken, a bag, and a shower tap in the sky.
So they read, “Ayam, kambing, bag, mandi.”
And voila, they interpreted it to mean, “I am, coming, back, Monday.”
This is adapted from an old Valiant Hair joke, in case you noticed. But damn! I would have to keep wearing my face mask again. This just isn’t fair. I haven’t gone for my holiday yet!
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Technically, sound waves in the air are silent, existing only as traveling pressure waves in a gas medium. The ear converts these air vibrations into sounds, so the squirrel will need to be alive to do the conversion. Interestingly enough, Spectrakia brought up the possibility of the squirrel having a hearing problem. Hahahahaha! I didn’t think of that one!
So, if ever anyone should ask you that riddle, you should answer back, “How should I know arh?”
This morning, I read in the papers that the haze is coming back next week on Monday.
You know how the Meteorological Services Department likes to give us a lot of technical reasons why this is so. Reasons that nobody can understand. Not even them. How sure are they that the haze is really saying “I am coming back, Monday”?
A little bird told me that the Meteorological officers were staring into space when they saw the haze form a smoky picture of a goat, a chicken, a bag, and a shower tap in the sky.
So they read, “Ayam, kambing, bag, mandi.”
And voila, they interpreted it to mean, “I am, coming, back, Monday.”
This is adapted from an old Valiant Hair joke, in case you noticed. But damn! I would have to keep wearing my face mask again. This just isn’t fair. I haven’t gone for my holiday yet!
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Durian night
I’m still not happy with my template tweaking efforts. I like the current template because it loads fast. Slightly untidy though. Any change would be very minimal. I am currently experimenting with a test blog to see if the loading is still as fast.
Speed is more important than looks. At least, that’s what my constipated boss always say. It’s a mystery to all of us why he would go and hire all the slow-working but good-looking chicks in the office. Not that I’m complaining.
Last night, some girls with small appetites invited me over for durians just after I had finished my dinner. That timing was most inappropriate. They shoulda invited me before dinner, not after. But nevertheless, I don’t see how I have any cause to bitch, considering that I did not have to pay a single sen.
We had D24 and a species called the “Durian King”. The disparity in prices was so great that you could drive a truck between them. D24 is currently selling for like RM3 per kg and “Durian King” is going for RM9 per kg.
Some people will buy durians that have been partially eaten by a squirrel in the belief that the fruit will be good. Now, that’s dumb. Even dumber than trying to join the tongue to the sphincter. Anything that has already been partially consumed by a wild animal runs the risk of getting inhabited by strange mean viruses. Has SARS not taught us anything?
The eating habits of squirrels can be described as obnoxious and kurang ajar. They have a disgusting habit of eating only a tiny portion of a fruit when they are hungry. Then, instead of finishing the same fruit like polite little creatures, they gaily hop off to the next fruit to eat. Such blatant wastage! A human mother would have slapped her kid silly for displaying such shitty table manners. But not squirrel mothers, apparently.
Here’s a zen riddle:
"If a durian falls onto a squirrel and there is nobody there to hear it, does the squirrel make a sound?"
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Speed is more important than looks. At least, that’s what my constipated boss always say. It’s a mystery to all of us why he would go and hire all the slow-working but good-looking chicks in the office. Not that I’m complaining.
Last night, some girls with small appetites invited me over for durians just after I had finished my dinner. That timing was most inappropriate. They shoulda invited me before dinner, not after. But nevertheless, I don’t see how I have any cause to bitch, considering that I did not have to pay a single sen.
We had D24 and a species called the “Durian King”. The disparity in prices was so great that you could drive a truck between them. D24 is currently selling for like RM3 per kg and “Durian King” is going for RM9 per kg.
Some people will buy durians that have been partially eaten by a squirrel in the belief that the fruit will be good. Now, that’s dumb. Even dumber than trying to join the tongue to the sphincter. Anything that has already been partially consumed by a wild animal runs the risk of getting inhabited by strange mean viruses. Has SARS not taught us anything?
The eating habits of squirrels can be described as obnoxious and kurang ajar. They have a disgusting habit of eating only a tiny portion of a fruit when they are hungry. Then, instead of finishing the same fruit like polite little creatures, they gaily hop off to the next fruit to eat. Such blatant wastage! A human mother would have slapped her kid silly for displaying such shitty table manners. But not squirrel mothers, apparently.
Here’s a zen riddle:
"If a durian falls onto a squirrel and there is nobody there to hear it, does the squirrel make a sound?"
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
3 sentences on why I'm gonna tweak this template
Of course I'm aware that, somehow, this social commentary blog does have fucking brilliant authentic content, and you know that I'm not the shallow metrosexual type to indulge in form over substance, but it is nevertheless high time that I give this interface some sort of makeover.
Look, if you are asked to pick a doll, any doll, would you pick Winnie the Poo-poo or an Inflatable Vixen with vibrating attachments?
The awful truth is, no matter how kickass the contents may be, you can only get into the right humpin' pumpin' mood if the Inflatable Vixen does not look half bad.
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Look, if you are asked to pick a doll, any doll, would you pick Winnie the Poo-poo or an Inflatable Vixen with vibrating attachments?
The awful truth is, no matter how kickass the contents may be, you can only get into the right humpin' pumpin' mood if the Inflatable Vixen does not look half bad.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Sin is a gift from Heaven
Don't you just hate it when immoral politicians talk morals to you and tell you what you can or cannot do?
The people know that they are fucking idiots.
Even Heaven knows that they are fucking idiots.
Heaven does not expect you to be perfect because Heaven knows that sinning is not wrong, but however, you do have to know how to handle it properly.
It's a bit like handling fire.
Sin is not to be avoided in life, and can be useful if you know when and how to utilize it.
It is a gift from heaven, okay?
There are seven deadly sins; Pride, Sloth, Envy, Gluttony, Anger, Lust and Greed.
I'm ignoring all the non-deadly sins for the moment because, well, they're non-deadly, and therefore not as urgent.
As for the seven deadly sins, I have worked out my own personal timetable for them:
Pride
Mondays to Fridays, I swallow my pride. I was hired for my good looks, but my cold-hearted boss actually expects real work out of me. Put a thermometer to his heart and the mercury would freeze solid. So I LLB(look like busy) whenever he's around. I ought to save up enough money to buy up the company. In the meantime, I will just have to swallow my pride and pretend to work. So weekdays are my No-Pride days.
Sloth
Mondays to Fridays are also my Sloth days. You can guess the reason why. But weekends are my No-Sloth Days. By Sunday nights, I'm usually totally knackered. I said knackered, not naked.
Envy
I don't seem to envy anybody. This can't be right because I know I am not perfect. Or maybe I am already perfect, but I don't know it yet. Whatever the reason, the envy just isn't there. Okay, every day is No-Envy Day.
Gluttony
I generally have interesting meals during the weekends. I munch on anything......seafood, durians, pancakes, tom yam, dim sum, Hot Babe, buffet.......everything. By Monday, I'm too stuffed to eat. Sounds like a good day to give up gluttony. So, for No-Gluttony Day, Monday it is.
Anger
I don't really have a temper. That explains a certain lack of rants in this blog. Even my occasional rants don't appear as rants. Hot Babe said that I am the most tolerant person she has ever met. So, okay, I'm deleting Anger from my weekly schedule. And if anyone dares to suggest that I can't keep anger away, I'll fucking clobber his fucking ass into a fucking pile of fucking shit granules.
Lust
Alright, I'm keeping lust all seven days of the week. Every bone inside me is lusty. I can’t help it.
Greed
I figured that since I'm keeping Lust for seven days, then I may as well keep Greed just as long.
"Greed and Lust go well together.
Banyak macam salt and pepper."
Heheheh! I'm very proud of my unusual poetic abilities.
Oh heck, I forgot......today is No-Pride Day!
So okay, I'm not proud of my poetic abilities. Not today.
Next, I'm going to set up a timetable for my Seven Heavenly Virtues:
Sheeeeesh, I can't think of any virtue for the moment.
Somebody, anybody, please tell me that I also have Seven Heavenly Virtues!
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The people know that they are fucking idiots.
Even Heaven knows that they are fucking idiots.
Heaven does not expect you to be perfect because Heaven knows that sinning is not wrong, but however, you do have to know how to handle it properly.
It's a bit like handling fire.
Sin is not to be avoided in life, and can be useful if you know when and how to utilize it.
It is a gift from heaven, okay?
There are seven deadly sins; Pride, Sloth, Envy, Gluttony, Anger, Lust and Greed.
I'm ignoring all the non-deadly sins for the moment because, well, they're non-deadly, and therefore not as urgent.
As for the seven deadly sins, I have worked out my own personal timetable for them:
Pride
Mondays to Fridays, I swallow my pride. I was hired for my good looks, but my cold-hearted boss actually expects real work out of me. Put a thermometer to his heart and the mercury would freeze solid. So I LLB(look like busy) whenever he's around. I ought to save up enough money to buy up the company. In the meantime, I will just have to swallow my pride and pretend to work. So weekdays are my No-Pride days.
Sloth
Mondays to Fridays are also my Sloth days. You can guess the reason why. But weekends are my No-Sloth Days. By Sunday nights, I'm usually totally knackered. I said knackered, not naked.
Envy
I don't seem to envy anybody. This can't be right because I know I am not perfect. Or maybe I am already perfect, but I don't know it yet. Whatever the reason, the envy just isn't there. Okay, every day is No-Envy Day.
Gluttony
I generally have interesting meals during the weekends. I munch on anything......seafood, durians, pancakes, tom yam, dim sum, Hot Babe, buffet.......everything. By Monday, I'm too stuffed to eat. Sounds like a good day to give up gluttony. So, for No-Gluttony Day, Monday it is.
Anger
I don't really have a temper. That explains a certain lack of rants in this blog. Even my occasional rants don't appear as rants. Hot Babe said that I am the most tolerant person she has ever met. So, okay, I'm deleting Anger from my weekly schedule. And if anyone dares to suggest that I can't keep anger away, I'll fucking clobber his fucking ass into a fucking pile of fucking shit granules.
Lust
Alright, I'm keeping lust all seven days of the week. Every bone inside me is lusty. I can’t help it.
Greed
I figured that since I'm keeping Lust for seven days, then I may as well keep Greed just as long.
"Greed and Lust go well together.
Banyak macam salt and pepper."
Heheheh! I'm very proud of my unusual poetic abilities.
Oh heck, I forgot......today is No-Pride Day!
So okay, I'm not proud of my poetic abilities. Not today.
Next, I'm going to set up a timetable for my Seven Heavenly Virtues:
Sheeeeesh, I can't think of any virtue for the moment.
Somebody, anybody, please tell me that I also have Seven Heavenly Virtues!
Monday, August 15, 2005
Doozy woozy
For some reason, I didn’t sleep a wink last night. So, I got out of bed, surfed the net from 4 to 5 a.m., went to bed again, and still couldn’t sleep.
This morning, I drove to work feeling kind of whoozy. I’m feeling so sleepy right now that nothing less than a Class A blowjob will keep me awake. I can do with a good laugh right now. It will be good if somebody can entertain me.
There are supposed to be 10,000 blogs in this country alone. Can somebody recommend me a site that puts out the sort of distasteful shit that I do? You know, humour with more sexual innuendos than real humour? My slow internet connection does not allow me to surf all 10,000 blogs so I will have to depend on the kindness of you people. Even Singaporean sites will do. A site similar to the www.talkingcock.com site would fit the bill. Okay, that is not a blog, but you know what I mean.
This is an emergency.
I need to get through the day without falling asleep.
Need.to.keep.brain.from.seizing.up.
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This morning, I drove to work feeling kind of whoozy. I’m feeling so sleepy right now that nothing less than a Class A blowjob will keep me awake. I can do with a good laugh right now. It will be good if somebody can entertain me.
There are supposed to be 10,000 blogs in this country alone. Can somebody recommend me a site that puts out the sort of distasteful shit that I do? You know, humour with more sexual innuendos than real humour? My slow internet connection does not allow me to surf all 10,000 blogs so I will have to depend on the kindness of you people. Even Singaporean sites will do. A site similar to the www.talkingcock.com site would fit the bill. Okay, that is not a blog, but you know what I mean.
This is an emergency.
I need to get through the day without falling asleep.
Need.to.keep.brain.from.seizing.up.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Dear Lai Ma - Advice on filter masks
The serious haze problems have got a lot of people wearing filter masks like got no tomorrow. Everyday, the newspapers keep trying to give dubious advice on what to do and what not to do. But everybody knows that at the 5Star paper, we put out professionally proven scientific advice that is 5 times better than the dubious advice of our lousy one-star dipshit competitor.
And another thing……we are free of charge!
Miss Lai Ma, formerly a karaoke lounge singer and potential Malaysian Idol chief judge, will be giving her professional advice regarding the use of filter masks in this edition.
Dear Lai Ma
Our school teacher has asked us to put on filter masks. He said that the air got smog particles everywhere because of the haze. But we don’t want to wear. We think it is not necessary because we are only children. Got particles also never mind one. We got small lungs only mah. We don’t breathe in as much air as the adults.
Pupils of Sungei Lembu Primary School.
Dear Pupils
You cannot think like that one. Because you have small lungs, they will fill up with smog particles faster than adult lungs. Then your mother will have to take you to the hospital so that the nurse can remove the smog particles. That one very painful one. The nurses will poke a vacuum cleaner hose down your throat and into your lungs to suck out all the smog particles. Sometimes, when they are not careful, they suck out your liver also. So wear your filter masks and don’t play play.
Dear Lai Ma
I am the best English teacher at the Sungei Lembu Primary School. Because of the haze situation very bad, and some more cannot breathing easy, I want to wear a filter mask. But when I teach the English through the mask, my voice go out muffled and ruffled, like that. I am afraid all the pupils will not understand what I saying. Please advise me good good
Ingurish Tork
Dear Ingurish Tork
During the haze, it is important that you wear a filter mask and teach at the same time. Health is important. Don’t worry if the pupils do not understand you. Even if you take off the mask, they also will not understand you! If pupils can understand teachers, all the tuition centres will go bankrupt already. I have a share in a private tuition centre and therefore I must thank all the teachers. Please tell all your fellow teachers to keep the mask on at all times. You are all very important to the economy!
Dear Lai Ma
I smoke three packets of cigarettes a day. I have been trying to quit smoking without success. I follow the dubious advice given in the other newspapers, and they say to do this and to do that, but in the end their advice also useless. Lately, because of the haze, whenever my colleagues see me smoking, they scold me. As if the haze is my fault like that. I si beh fedup already…want to stop smoking, but cannot…..smoke, also cannot. Please tell me what to do.
Desperate
Dear Desperate
You are very wise in writing to me. If you want to stop smoking, this is what you should do. Wear a filter mask at all times. When you feel like having a smoke, remove your filter mask and inhale the smog. Then put your filter mask back on again. Your brain will think that you just smoked a cigarette. If you do this often enough, your brain will think you have smoked a few packets of cigarettes but actually you have not smoked. Do this every day and soon your body will lose the addiction to cigarettes. Wa lau eh. I should copyright this method!
Dear Lai Ma
I study at a private college. My Principal say that I should wear a filter mask in the campus everyday to improve the health condition. But I don’t want to wear a mask everyday. It does not make me look cool. I pay so much tuition fees to private education and I expect them to keep the haze away from me. I think you should investigate the college. They take my money already and some more dare to ask me to wear mask. Why like that? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan
Dear Chin Tu Lan
Actually, hor, I have no interest in investigating your problem. I am a columnist, not an investigative reporter. But my talkcock editor said that all 5Star columnists are also investigative columnists. Where got such thing one? But okay, I did some checking for you and I found out that there were a few cases of girls vomiting mysteriously on your campus. But each time you put on the filter mask, there were no incidents of girls vomiting. Your Principal thinks there is a correlation, so he wanted you to put on a mask to improve the health condition. Not your health condition but the other students’ health condition!
Dear Lai Ma
My wife and I enjoy outdoor sex at our farm. My wife would stand by the pond and I would stand by the cucumber patch. Then we would run naked at each other. But the visibility has dropped, and we miss each other in the haze, and end up don’t know where. Lately I have been falling into the pond a lot and also have to pry the cucumbers from my wife. Some salesmen have been coming to my farm to sell a new brand of filter mask, very expensive one. Only 100 dollar, and got free ball point pen summore. They say their filter masks can make the haze like got not haze one. Should I buy?
Farmer
Dear Farmer
Expensive does not mean good. There is no such mask that can make the haze like got no haze one. All this is only bullshit marketing talk. Made by unscrupulous bo liao salespeople trying to take advantage of the situation. What I suggest you do is to go to a pharmacy and buy their best face filter mask. It will be good and cheap. But don’t expect it to solve the visibility problem, so no more running towards each other until visibility improves. But you can try any sexual position you like outdoors and still enjoy yourselves. Of course you will have to use some logic a bit to know what can work and what cannot work. Once you have a mask on, do not attempt the sixty-nine position. Sure cannot work one! Use your brain. Not your tongue!
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And another thing……we are free of charge!
Miss Lai Ma, formerly a karaoke lounge singer and potential Malaysian Idol chief judge, will be giving her professional advice regarding the use of filter masks in this edition.
| 5Star |
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Dear Lai Ma
Our school teacher has asked us to put on filter masks. He said that the air got smog particles everywhere because of the haze. But we don’t want to wear. We think it is not necessary because we are only children. Got particles also never mind one. We got small lungs only mah. We don’t breathe in as much air as the adults.
Pupils of Sungei Lembu Primary School.
Dear Pupils
You cannot think like that one. Because you have small lungs, they will fill up with smog particles faster than adult lungs. Then your mother will have to take you to the hospital so that the nurse can remove the smog particles. That one very painful one. The nurses will poke a vacuum cleaner hose down your throat and into your lungs to suck out all the smog particles. Sometimes, when they are not careful, they suck out your liver also. So wear your filter masks and don’t play play.
Dear Lai Ma
I am the best English teacher at the Sungei Lembu Primary School. Because of the haze situation very bad, and some more cannot breathing easy, I want to wear a filter mask. But when I teach the English through the mask, my voice go out muffled and ruffled, like that. I am afraid all the pupils will not understand what I saying. Please advise me good good
Ingurish Tork
Dear Ingurish Tork
During the haze, it is important that you wear a filter mask and teach at the same time. Health is important. Don’t worry if the pupils do not understand you. Even if you take off the mask, they also will not understand you! If pupils can understand teachers, all the tuition centres will go bankrupt already. I have a share in a private tuition centre and therefore I must thank all the teachers. Please tell all your fellow teachers to keep the mask on at all times. You are all very important to the economy!
Dear Lai Ma
I smoke three packets of cigarettes a day. I have been trying to quit smoking without success. I follow the dubious advice given in the other newspapers, and they say to do this and to do that, but in the end their advice also useless. Lately, because of the haze, whenever my colleagues see me smoking, they scold me. As if the haze is my fault like that. I si beh fedup already…want to stop smoking, but cannot…..smoke, also cannot. Please tell me what to do.
Desperate
Dear Desperate
You are very wise in writing to me. If you want to stop smoking, this is what you should do. Wear a filter mask at all times. When you feel like having a smoke, remove your filter mask and inhale the smog. Then put your filter mask back on again. Your brain will think that you just smoked a cigarette. If you do this often enough, your brain will think you have smoked a few packets of cigarettes but actually you have not smoked. Do this every day and soon your body will lose the addiction to cigarettes. Wa lau eh. I should copyright this method!
Dear Lai Ma
I study at a private college. My Principal say that I should wear a filter mask in the campus everyday to improve the health condition. But I don’t want to wear a mask everyday. It does not make me look cool. I pay so much tuition fees to private education and I expect them to keep the haze away from me. I think you should investigate the college. They take my money already and some more dare to ask me to wear mask. Why like that? Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu Lan
Dear Chin Tu Lan
Actually, hor, I have no interest in investigating your problem. I am a columnist, not an investigative reporter. But my talkcock editor said that all 5Star columnists are also investigative columnists. Where got such thing one? But okay, I did some checking for you and I found out that there were a few cases of girls vomiting mysteriously on your campus. But each time you put on the filter mask, there were no incidents of girls vomiting. Your Principal thinks there is a correlation, so he wanted you to put on a mask to improve the health condition. Not your health condition but the other students’ health condition!
Dear Lai Ma
My wife and I enjoy outdoor sex at our farm. My wife would stand by the pond and I would stand by the cucumber patch. Then we would run naked at each other. But the visibility has dropped, and we miss each other in the haze, and end up don’t know where. Lately I have been falling into the pond a lot and also have to pry the cucumbers from my wife. Some salesmen have been coming to my farm to sell a new brand of filter mask, very expensive one. Only 100 dollar, and got free ball point pen summore. They say their filter masks can make the haze like got not haze one. Should I buy?
Farmer
Dear Farmer
Expensive does not mean good. There is no such mask that can make the haze like got no haze one. All this is only bullshit marketing talk. Made by unscrupulous bo liao salespeople trying to take advantage of the situation. What I suggest you do is to go to a pharmacy and buy their best face filter mask. It will be good and cheap. But don’t expect it to solve the visibility problem, so no more running towards each other until visibility improves. But you can try any sexual position you like outdoors and still enjoy yourselves. Of course you will have to use some logic a bit to know what can work and what cannot work. Once you have a mask on, do not attempt the sixty-nine position. Sure cannot work one! Use your brain. Not your tongue!
Friday, August 12, 2005
Early morning light rain
The early morning scattered showers in the Klang valley lifted up my mood. My throat is no more sore, and I did it without antibiotics. Just water, lots of it, and some strepsils.
Hot Babe got me a mask yesterday. She insisted that I wear it at work. So this morning, I wore the mask and looked like a yellow Darth Vader clocking in at the office.
For my next story project, I want to write something that is not my usual inane style, but a bit more novel-like. I’m thinking of doing a kungfu story. One, where the hero can really kick some asses. And cut up his adversaries to shreds. I have not decided the weapons he will use, but I have ruled out the nunchaku. You can’t cut anybody to shreds with a nunchaku. I thought of using a meat chopper, but that would make it inane. We only want shreds, not chopped liver. So, no. No meat choppers.
Also this time, I want the hero to be really good-looking. Like me.
I see that Belacan, Minishorts and Suanie are already making fun of the haze. Okay, my spirits have lifted up sufficiently after this early morning’s light rain, so I’m gonna join them. My next posting will be a ‘Dear Lai Ma’ article. It should be out by lunch time, tea time or dinner time. Or whenever.
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Hot Babe got me a mask yesterday. She insisted that I wear it at work. So this morning, I wore the mask and looked like a yellow Darth Vader clocking in at the office.
For my next story project, I want to write something that is not my usual inane style, but a bit more novel-like. I’m thinking of doing a kungfu story. One, where the hero can really kick some asses. And cut up his adversaries to shreds. I have not decided the weapons he will use, but I have ruled out the nunchaku. You can’t cut anybody to shreds with a nunchaku. I thought of using a meat chopper, but that would make it inane. We only want shreds, not chopped liver. So, no. No meat choppers.
Also this time, I want the hero to be really good-looking. Like me.
I see that Belacan, Minishorts and Suanie are already making fun of the haze. Okay, my spirits have lifted up sufficiently after this early morning’s light rain, so I’m gonna join them. My next posting will be a ‘Dear Lai Ma’ article. It should be out by lunch time, tea time or dinner time. Or whenever.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Need a short holiday
Because of the haze, some of my colleagues have taken to wearing surgical masks, which did improve their looks dramatically. Looking at their faces is now less torturous than it used to be.
On the negative side, the haze is also making me feel like I’ve been bottled up inside a pussy for the last 3 years. All my senses are shot to bits.
I have been drinking lots of water. And I mean LOTS. Oh shit, I am the reason the water level in the Klang Gates Dam went down!
I need a break. Preferably somewhere within driving distance like:
Cameron Highlands
Taiping
Sitiawan
Teluk Intan
Pangkor
Kuantan
Is there anybody out there who can tell me what the air(or haze) situation is like in those places?
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On the negative side, the haze is also making me feel like I’ve been bottled up inside a pussy for the last 3 years. All my senses are shot to bits.
I have been drinking lots of water. And I mean LOTS. Oh shit, I am the reason the water level in the Klang Gates Dam went down!
I need a break. Preferably somewhere within driving distance like:
Cameron Highlands
Taiping
Sitiawan
Teluk Intan
Pangkor
Kuantan
Is there anybody out there who can tell me what the air(or haze) situation is like in those places?
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Hazy days
The haze is making my eyes all watery. I think today’s air quality is worse than yesterday.
Yesterday, I had to send somebody to the airport. The visibility on the highway was bad. Some assholes drove ever so slowly on the middle lane instead of moving to the left lane. And other assholes drove as if there was no haze.
This is a bad time for jokes. But that’s not gonna stop me, issit?
Why is driving through the haze the same as making love in the sixty-nine position?
Well, in both cases, you can get the choked up feeling.
Why is driving through the haze different from making love in the sixty-nine position?
In the haze, you can’t see the asshole in front.
All right, back to some other matters before anyone forgets that we are a social commentary blog.
After my visit to the airport yesterday, I had a bit of time, so I took a detour and saw a branch of Southern Bank. I went in to look at the interest rates and saw a pay-in slip lying on the floor. Being the nice guy that I was, I picked it up.
Account number 1606006358
National Cancer Society of Malaysia, Penang Branch
The payment date was 9 Aug 2005. At the back of the slip were the handwritten words:
“Bloggers are indeed morons in more ways than one, but they appealed so hard, so I give up some restaurant dinners this month lor.”
Obviously, the stranger who dropped it was not bothered with such minor details as tax exemptions for donations to approved charities.
If any of you people feel like making a donation as well, remember that you can do so in any Southern Bank branch.
Okay, gonna end this posting now cos my eyes are smarting from the haze. I’m hoping for some rain to clean up the air.
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Yesterday, I had to send somebody to the airport. The visibility on the highway was bad. Some assholes drove ever so slowly on the middle lane instead of moving to the left lane. And other assholes drove as if there was no haze.
This is a bad time for jokes. But that’s not gonna stop me, issit?
Why is driving through the haze the same as making love in the sixty-nine position?
Well, in both cases, you can get the choked up feeling.
Why is driving through the haze different from making love in the sixty-nine position?
In the haze, you can’t see the asshole in front.
All right, back to some other matters before anyone forgets that we are a social commentary blog.
After my visit to the airport yesterday, I had a bit of time, so I took a detour and saw a branch of Southern Bank. I went in to look at the interest rates and saw a pay-in slip lying on the floor. Being the nice guy that I was, I picked it up.
Account number 1606006358
National Cancer Society of Malaysia, Penang Branch
The payment date was 9 Aug 2005. At the back of the slip were the handwritten words:
“Bloggers are indeed morons in more ways than one, but they appealed so hard, so I give up some restaurant dinners this month lor.”
Obviously, the stranger who dropped it was not bothered with such minor details as tax exemptions for donations to approved charities.
If any of you people feel like making a donation as well, remember that you can do so in any Southern Bank branch.
Okay, gonna end this posting now cos my eyes are smarting from the haze. I’m hoping for some rain to clean up the air.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Not enough rich pickings from blogathon
Can you believe it? After all that effort to set up the blogathon event to raise funds for the Penang Hospice center, the ‘bloggers are morons’ buggers only managed to rake in 1359.98 dollars in pledges as of the time of this posting.
That’s all? With all the fuss, all the hype and all the free publicity in a one-star newspaper? What a bunch of amateurs! And morons(but we knew that already!).
Look guys, not say I say one, but raising money is an art. You gotta play rough and dirty!
The first step is to figure out what it will take to get people to part with something as insignificant as money.
What we really need here is some really HARD sell. For that, we’ve got to involve everybody’s wives and girlfriends.
I even got this poster ready, in case we need something like this.
I am telling ya, HARD sell works! And don’t ever say that I have never contributed any ideas to you guys. Sheeeeeesh!!!
* Latest update *
Just when I thought this topic was over and done with, Suanie throws me a guarantee in the comments section.
Okay, dudette, if you can hit USD 5k, I'll stop calling you people 'amateurs' and 'morons'.
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That’s all? With all the fuss, all the hype and all the free publicity in a one-star newspaper? What a bunch of amateurs! And morons(but we knew that already!).
Look guys, not say I say one, but raising money is an art. You gotta play rough and dirty!
The first step is to figure out what it will take to get people to part with something as insignificant as money.
What we really need here is some really HARD sell. For that, we’ve got to involve everybody’s wives and girlfriends.
I even got this poster ready, in case we need something like this.
I am telling ya, HARD sell works! And don’t ever say that I have never contributed any ideas to you guys. Sheeeeeesh!!!
* Latest update *
Just when I thought this topic was over and done with, Suanie throws me a guarantee in the comments section.
Okay, dudette, if you can hit USD 5k, I'll stop calling you people 'amateurs' and 'morons'.
Monday, August 08, 2005
On being around morons
Feeling slightly fatigued. Although I was not directly involved in the bloggersaremorons.com charity blogathon, I was nevertheless logged on to the site whenever I had free time on Sunday.
Putting out 8 posts in 4 hours is murder, if you ask me. Maybe you would remember that I did an 8-post a day effort 3 weeks ago on 18th July. You have to do it to know how difficult it is. The first few posts, you are still coherent. After that, you don’t know what you are typing and can’t wait for it to end. Knowing how difficult the whole effort was, I decided to give some moral support.
For every shift, I would post a comment to the bloggers just to let them feel that they are not blogging out to empty air, that the posts they put out have readable value despite the hurry. I think I commented on everybody’s shift except Kenny’s shift. That was because he took the graveyard shift and I was fast asleep in bed already. By the time I woke up around 6 a.m., he had already passed the baton over to suanie and she had already put out her second post.
Oh yeah, Minishorts interviewed me online from 5-7 p.m. and asked me a lot of stuff. The posted version of the interview sounded so polite, so she must have edited out all the bad words I used! The interview is here if you are interested.
Before this blogathon thingy, I’ve never heard of the Penang Hospice. I’ve already set aside a small sum of money to give to Hospice. I won’t say how much it is, but it will not be less than RM100. Since it will be an anonymous donation, I will not put up a pledge, and if anybody as so much as bug me about it, I may just change my mind! So back off, and let me do certain things in my own way!
Oh, did you noticed that I updated my Malaysian Idol site as well? No wonder I’m having blogging fatigue!
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Putting out 8 posts in 4 hours is murder, if you ask me. Maybe you would remember that I did an 8-post a day effort 3 weeks ago on 18th July. You have to do it to know how difficult it is. The first few posts, you are still coherent. After that, you don’t know what you are typing and can’t wait for it to end. Knowing how difficult the whole effort was, I decided to give some moral support.
For every shift, I would post a comment to the bloggers just to let them feel that they are not blogging out to empty air, that the posts they put out have readable value despite the hurry. I think I commented on everybody’s shift except Kenny’s shift. That was because he took the graveyard shift and I was fast asleep in bed already. By the time I woke up around 6 a.m., he had already passed the baton over to suanie and she had already put out her second post.
Oh yeah, Minishorts interviewed me online from 5-7 p.m. and asked me a lot of stuff. The posted version of the interview sounded so polite, so she must have edited out all the bad words I used! The interview is here if you are interested.
Before this blogathon thingy, I’ve never heard of the Penang Hospice. I’ve already set aside a small sum of money to give to Hospice. I won’t say how much it is, but it will not be less than RM100. Since it will be an anonymous donation, I will not put up a pledge, and if anybody as so much as bug me about it, I may just change my mind! So back off, and let me do certain things in my own way!
Oh, did you noticed that I updated my Malaysian Idol site as well? No wonder I’m having blogging fatigue!
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Analysing the comments on “Viewtru’s Lantern Tales”
There has never been a good explanation why lanterns are present during the 15th day of the Eighth Lunar month, or the Mid Autumn Festival. I wrote ‘Viewtru’s Lantern Tale’ not because I wish to distort history, but because I think my version is just as plausible as any other. (Mooncakes, another festival fixture, are popularly associated with the rebellion against the Yuan dynasty, but the festival actually predates the Yuan dynasty.)
There have been more comments than usual for this particular story and I have done some analysis of the ideas expressed in the comments.
This is a story of Swordsman Wu, a common man, who has an uncommon heart. In the story, he has to go through the Emperor’s 5 gates, with each gate guarded by a Gatekeeper.
Gate 1: Swordsman Wu appeared as an inane lucky fella and this sets the mood for the story. This episode is funny, but only lightly funny. I do admit that the phrase "....why so long one" was a bit out of phase with the language of the setting, and one reader pointed it out. It's usage was to emphasize how inane the tale was going to get.
Gate 2: At this gate, it became apparent that the swordsman was able to bluff his way through a sticky situation. He had to battle someone who cannot be defeated and he was smart enough not to try. This is the episode that disappointed many readers because they expected an actual battle. They did not expect a common man as a hero.
Gate 3: This is the most inane episode of all five, and the funniest, if you appreciate adult humour.
Gate 4: In the previous 3 gates, Wu did nothing but talk his way out. But at this gate, he actually trounced the Gatekeeper 4 in poetry. The ability to create poetry was considered a sign of civilised culture in the olden days, so I hoped to create the impression that Swordsman Wu was not totally uncouth. This was supposed to be the episode to smoothen the transition to the more serious mood of the 5th gate. However, I think quite a number of readers found this one even funnier than the 3rd episode! So I did not completely achieve what I tried to achieve.
Gate5: This is the longest episode of all because I had to complete the story as well as explain why we carry tang lungs(lanterns) for the Mid Autumn(or Moon Cake) festival. In a real book, I could probably achieve a smoother mood transition from Gate 4 to Gate 5. In a blog, I had to shorten the content, but considering the limitations, I am quite satisfied with the effect. Despite the graphic description I employed in the sex scene, half the commentators called me a romance writer! On rereading the whole thing through several times, I realized now that the ending is sweet, much sweeter than was expected out of me. If another writer had written that, you would probably have called him crude!
Nevertheless, I wish to thank all the commentators for giving me feedback on “Viewtru’s Lantern Tale”. We will now wait for the official review from the professional book reviewer. For my next project, I hope that you will give me your feedback again!
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There have been more comments than usual for this particular story and I have done some analysis of the ideas expressed in the comments.
This is a story of Swordsman Wu, a common man, who has an uncommon heart. In the story, he has to go through the Emperor’s 5 gates, with each gate guarded by a Gatekeeper.
Gate 1: Swordsman Wu appeared as an inane lucky fella and this sets the mood for the story. This episode is funny, but only lightly funny. I do admit that the phrase "....why so long one" was a bit out of phase with the language of the setting, and one reader pointed it out. It's usage was to emphasize how inane the tale was going to get.
Gate 2: At this gate, it became apparent that the swordsman was able to bluff his way through a sticky situation. He had to battle someone who cannot be defeated and he was smart enough not to try. This is the episode that disappointed many readers because they expected an actual battle. They did not expect a common man as a hero.
Gate 3: This is the most inane episode of all five, and the funniest, if you appreciate adult humour.
Gate 4: In the previous 3 gates, Wu did nothing but talk his way out. But at this gate, he actually trounced the Gatekeeper 4 in poetry. The ability to create poetry was considered a sign of civilised culture in the olden days, so I hoped to create the impression that Swordsman Wu was not totally uncouth. This was supposed to be the episode to smoothen the transition to the more serious mood of the 5th gate. However, I think quite a number of readers found this one even funnier than the 3rd episode! So I did not completely achieve what I tried to achieve.
Gate5: This is the longest episode of all because I had to complete the story as well as explain why we carry tang lungs(lanterns) for the Mid Autumn(or Moon Cake) festival. In a real book, I could probably achieve a smoother mood transition from Gate 4 to Gate 5. In a blog, I had to shorten the content, but considering the limitations, I am quite satisfied with the effect. Despite the graphic description I employed in the sex scene, half the commentators called me a romance writer! On rereading the whole thing through several times, I realized now that the ending is sweet, much sweeter than was expected out of me. If another writer had written that, you would probably have called him crude!
Nevertheless, I wish to thank all the commentators for giving me feedback on “Viewtru’s Lantern Tale”. We will now wait for the official review from the professional book reviewer. For my next project, I hope that you will give me your feedback again!
